Watching Girls Play Golf

January21/ 2000

…. The Women’s US Open is at Pine Needles this week.   Expect a plethora of media fluff about chick sports, etc.   BobLee does a no holes-bared “straight talk” about The LPGA dispelling some myths and confirming a few.   A post mortem on the Moochies and a few words on Marion Jones’ latest bout of awful decision-making. …..

“Dykes In Spikes” …. You’ve all heard that infamous description of the LPGA.  When it was first uttered 15-20 years ago it was pretty much on point.  The Sisters of Sappho did indeed dominate the world of Women’s Professional Golf BACK THEN.

Those of us who had “inside the ropes” status pretty much knew who was “hooking up” with whom.  It was NOT a safe place for a naïve young hetero-ette to wander into. To their credit, short of outright daisy-chains on the putting greens, not much was done to dispel the reality.

There was a period in the early-mid 90s when some LPGA commissioner du jour signed up a bunch of feminine/household product sponsors and plastered their logos on anything that moved at an LPGA event.  The sponsors began to get wise when they offered FREE samples to the players and NOBODY TOOK ANY.   Pro athletes turning down “FREE” anything is as rare as an NBAer fathering a child IN-wed-lock.  If you don’t bother to shave your legs, underarms or noticeable facial hair, why help yourself to a bunch of free razors?

In the 90s, an LPGAer (other than Jan Stephenson) wearing lip gloss and/or a ponytail was rarer than an AM radio on Franklin Street.  Their on-course wardrobes were as colorful as a Cary sub-division.  Who knew there were 27 shades of khaki?   The LPGA was going thru commissioners faster than the Memphis Grizzlies go thru coaches.  They ordered business cards one dozen at a time.

NOTE:  Even “back then” NANCY LOPEZ was, is, always will be as fine and gracious as any professional athlete in any category.  In the 80s, Laura Baugh was the LPGA’s designated “Hetero-Hottie”.

   The exact moment that it all began to turn around is unclear.  I chart it around the time that Laura Davies bent over to retrieve her ball on the 17th green at Rancho Mirage in the Dinah Shore and actually caused a solar eclipse.  If the players were not literally carrying castration knives in their golf bags, they were “asexual”.  Some whizbang sports marketing guru finally realized that a golf tour composed of Roseanne, Ellen Degeneres, and a handful of Clay Aiken lookalikes was not clicking with any of the Top Forty consumer demographics.

The LPGA 2007 is totally different from the LPGA of the 20th Century.  Not to say that it does not still have it’s marketing “opportunities”.   You might be considering going down to Pine Needles this week.  If so,, any of the following reasons are justified ….

  • You will see very good golfers compete in a relatively speaking major sports event.
  • You can “learn” more from watching the girls play than from the PGA guys.
  • It could very well come down to a dramatic finish on Sunday
  • More than a few of the girls are legitimate “babes”.  Paula Creamer & Natalie Gulbis are two.
  • 92% of the players will actually smile.  All, except two, have discernable ankles and at least a hint of mammary glands.
  • These athletes could actually be role-models for regular kids …. not just some confused  tyke growing up in Carrboro with “two or three or four mommies”
  • If UNC’s new Football coach is there, he might be THE ONLY BUTCH on the course in 2007.
  • Every player will be wearing pastels (even the two with no discernable ankles)
  • For this week, Southern Pines will have the largest South Korean population in the Western Hemisphere.  Yell out “Kim” or “Lee” and over 40 players will say “huh?” or the South Korean equivalent.

I am pretty jaded about sports (duh).  The only sport I will pay face value for a ticket to is college football.  OK, if I’m in a MLB city with a night to kill, I WILL go to a baseball game but I’ll get a discount ticket.  But if you are considering going to Pine Needles, you have my permission.

They ARE very accomplished golfers.  The very few that are still practicing lesbians hide it very well.  At least six of the South Koreans can sort of speak some English …. All 40+ of the Kims and Lees are quite “cute” if your raging xenophobia allows you to admit the truth.  Actually if one is cute they are all cute.  Imagine 40+ identical Oriental Lennon Sisters!

Michelle Wie likely will not play very well but she is sort of “the Mount Rushmore” of girl golf.  You simply HAVE TO see her in person.  Forget the fact that she is younger than most of our daughters.  Imagine Stacey Keibler with almond eyes.  Hubba hubba.


   A year ago I reminded everyone that “God loves Beavers too”.  I had no idea that He loved Beavers THIS MUCH!  Yo God … enough is one too many.

Am I the only one who noticed that Roy, Sylvia and now Mike ALL had trainwreck final games this year?  OK, for you Wuffs and assorted other non-Heels, those “Final Games” were Top Eight for Roy …. Final Four for Sylvia …. And CWS Finals for Mike.  Not too shabby for a “Girls’ Soccer School” now is it?

I still LUV THOSE MOOCHIES but it was pretty much nine innings of “character-building” on Sunday night.  “Humility” has never been a course offered at UNC.  We usually learn about that emotion thru sports losses.

I’m sure each of you Heel fans developed your own “survival mode” as it became quite apparent early on that there would not be a third game.  I enjoyed hearing Mike Patrick, Barry and Orel praise the Beavers, knowing that every laudatory comment had to be driving Carolina Shineolas even deeper into their terminal constipation.

I GUARANTEE you that “the next Derek Jeter” could not make that perfect relay throw to home again in 20 years.  Hell the REAL Derek Jeter could not make that perfect a throw!

How many times did Dean and Roy make it to “the Finals” without “a dogpile”?  Quite a few as I recall.  I say we keep Coach Fox and give him and his Moochies a big Zigga Zoomba!


  That clicking sound you hear coming from the UNC SID office is the minimizing of the type face used to print “Marion Jones” anywhere in UNC Sports Annals.  Her file just got moved to the drawer with the ones marked Lawrence Taylor or  Nakhtar.

Marion is down to her last $2,000 and she still has a cable bill and a Verizon bill past due.  Stick a fork in her.  She’s done!  That gal’s IQ score must be lower than Katie Couric’s Neilsen ratings ….  I guess she proves that old adage …. “you can’t outrun stoopid”.

I thought it was impossible to make that many wrong decisions in a ten year period.  Even Chris Washburn guessed right once or twice.  Didn’t he?   …. (NOTE:  I had to stick in a Washburn reference.  The Wuffs were all snorting over the line above about LT and Nakhtar).

I got worried about the gal back in her gold-medal glory days when she was scooping up mega-$$$ and never invested a few thou in orthodonture.

Damn right its tragic.  I don’t know all the particulars of her total life collapse but I do know that some caring folks at UNC tried to advise her when she began her unprecedented string of incredibly dumb life choices.  I had compassion for her thru the first 5-6 thug boyfriends, assorted drug messes, etc; but I draw the line on double figure dumb.

Not sure how but I bet somehow “Talk Radio” was responsible for Marion’s downfall.  Now that she’s flat broke, about all she’s qualified to do is be an extra in Apple Cheeks’ next Prince of Poverty photo op.

Speaking of Johnny …. He’s on the cover of this month’s Vogue For Men.  You are going to think me and Beowolf created the whole thing as a spoof.

He’s all decked out in Alexander Julian’s latest Apple Cheeks’ Faux Macho Collection …. a manly twill shirt and a brawny barn jacket.  The “scratch’n sniff” new pick up truck smell is a hoot.

They have this photo labeled (I swear I’m not making this up!) “John Edwards hammers a nail in the ninth ward”.  With his campaign begging not all that successful lately, the article does remind us that HIS WIFE HAS CANCER.

Check your calendar.  On June 30, Johnny is trotting out his stable of luminaries to try and juice up his flatlined fund raising.  Yea Olde and Mrs Yea Olde along with former N&O honcho Frank Daniels and assorted ambulance chasing pals.  For $5,000 Johnny & The Ambulance Chasers will autograph the back of your phonebook.  Little Rob the Journo-Dork is in charge of carrot sticks and cheese puffs.

I’m actually going to miss Apple Cheeks when he throws in the towel and finagles his way back into another scam deal at UNC.  A world without Mike Nifong or John Edwards …. ????  Jest won’t seem right will it?


 One of Omaha’s tourist attractions is Aksarben.  Cool if you know what it is …. even cooler if you know how it got its name???? 


   Jack Nicklaus designed Governors Club’s 27 holes.  27 VERY difficult holes I might add.

   I went to Allen & Sons BBQ for the first time this weekend.  Then took our hosts by to see Apple Cheeks’ NO TRESPASSING signs across from Monty’s.

   That tragedy in Ohio with the cop boyfriend, et al.  Guess who the cop’s “other girlfriend” was “seeing”?  Shawn Kemp!  Shawn holds the modern NBA record for extra-marital impregnations …. at least 6-8 we know of.  Since its in Ohio, gotta figure a Bengal or two will end up involved …. maybe a Buckeye footballer too.

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