The Good Die Young and so …

January21/ 2000

.. Are our lives so over-flowing with scandals, crime, anger, blame and general angst that we can only find solace in genuine sorrow?  Does eulogizing the life of Skip Prosser or Bill Walsh help us forget at least temporarily the likes of Jimbo The Weasel or Michael Vick or “Who Killed Pat Tillman” or Nifong or Barry or whichever set of politicians or Hollyweird nymphets gives you acid reflux?  ….

I mean no disrespect (though some will take it) to the memories of Skip Prosser or Bill Walsh or the President of Campbell or your Aunt Sadie or Uncle Fred …. but we as Americans seem to relish the opportunity to mourn …. especially high profile public mourning.  The English do “it” even better than we do but that’s because they have castles.  Castles (and moors) spice up a fancy funeral really well.

It’s like those battlefield scenes where on Christmas Eve both sides cease fire for a few moments to remember for all our differences we do share some emotions in common.  Of course that won’t apply versus the Islamo-Terrorists since Christmas is no big deal to them.  It also won’t apply in battle versus the ACLU or a lot of tenured academicians around the country.  But even blood thirsty Muslims and UNC professors recognize that “death” is a significant event in at least one life and others depending upon the extent of the celebrity of the honoree.

I have given three eulogies in my life.  In each case I had the full assemblage laughing and “the family” asked for a copy of my remarks.  Alas, it is a niche market.  If I have too many opportunities to do so, it’s a guarantee there won’t be too many folks around when I’m the honoree.  I plan on taping my own eulogy in case you’re wondering.

Actually all I am requesting “when it’s my turn” is (1) a bagpiper …. (2) a solitary bugler …. (3) a midget …. and (4) a not-too-skanky Vegas showgirl-type wearing Daisy Dukes and passing out leftover copies of my CD in a 2-CD gift pak with the eulogy..

“Why the midget?” you’re asking.  Me and Kid have this “thing” that “seeing a midget means good luck”.  She almost ran over one in Columbia Missouri last week.  “Seeing one” is good.  “Running over one” is not so good.  Where was I ….

I’ve already made it clear in that last column that I liked Skip Prosser when he was alive and I praised him then.  I also liked Bill Walsh.  I never knew the Campbell President who died.  Lining up to be in a photo op with the assembled mourners is not for me.

One of the show-stopper bits I do in BobLeeALIVE concerns the circumstances of my mother’s death and funeral.  If I can find humor in my own mother’s “passing on” then I am a dangerous guy to invite to a memorial service or graveside ceremony.  I had my mom cremated because (1) she had no expressed preference otherwise and (2) I knew it would really piss off my two evil aunts from the utter depths of hell”.  I was right, it did. Bwahahahaha.

If you haven’t done “reverse care-giving” for an aging parent yet, you are in for “a treat”.  No matter how nice the “assisted living center” or how often you visit or how much you pray over every heart-wrenching decision in the grim process …. You are fair game for the miserable no-account relatives who lurk in the weeds and throw rocks at you when you’re not looking.  In a best case scenario they all get wiped out by an 18-wheeler on the way to your loved one’s funeral so everyone else really has something to celebrate.  If you think this sounds “harsh” ….. wait til you’ve been thru it.

People are always asking why our society is “going to hell in a handbasket”.  It’s obvious.  All the “good people” DIE.  When is the last time you read about a no-account lying scoundrel dying.  Actually no-account lying scoundrels die all the time but the obituary elves clean’em up so even their ex-wives, ex-partners and the IRS can’t recognize’em.   (Remember when Bartzini’s men ambushed Sonny and Vito asked the mortician to clean him up so Mamma Corleone could see him?)

Obituaries are nothing more than THE ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS LETTER.  We all know about those sickenly sweeeeet self-laudatory “Christmas Letters” in which folks you never much liked remind you why you never much liked them …. But they like themselves A LOT.

Newspapers are way too busy rubbing their socio-cultural agenda in your face to care a whit about what is in an obituary.  Someone dies and someone who knew them writes up “their life” and submits it to the local fishwrapper.  No one checks it.  Hell, the paper doesn’t bother to fact-check its “news stories” so it sure isn’t going to double-check whether your Uncle Mort single handedly cleaned the Japs off Guadacanal, won three Boston marathons despite his wooden leg and was the stunt double for Errol Flynn in Prisoner of Zenda.   Who knew that Gladys Schwartz, not Marie Curie, really discovered radium.  Kudos to Gladys.

If your check clears the bank your “deceased” can be memorialized with any faux accomplishments he/she ever imagined. ….. and for goodness sakes …. NEVER use a picture in an obituary that was taken after the person passed 40.

I have this picture of Jeff Chandler I plan to use.  It came with a picture frame I bought at JC Penny’s a few years ago.

I bet some of you figured me for a “New Orleans Jazz Funeral” which was indeed my back-up choice.  If I have the time to set it up before it’s “my time” I might opt for a caisson pulled by a horse with the empty boots in the stirrups ….. or maybe a Shetland pony ridden by the aforementioned “good luck” midget wearing my custom-made Tony Lamas.  ….. if the damn midget shows up wearing “sandals” it could be a double funeral.


 Who was the featured performer 

at Princess’s Di global mega-funeral?


 Pedro will “see RED if you go RUSSIAN by” South Of The Border.  The massive response to “who is SOTB’s SpokesMexican” further solidified this audience as THE savviest bunch of folks on “the ‘Net”.   SOTB actually has a “Mexican restaurant” on-site where NOT ONE PERSON speaks Spanish.  I asked for “chips con queso” and Darlene The Waitress said “We ain’t got no queso.  Would ya like some melted cheese with those chips?”  Indeed.

   Mizzus is an I-Phone Mizzus now.  One of her famous fancy clients sent her one of Steve Jobs’ latest tech-toys.   Mizzus has a crucial “first 24 hours” with any new technology gizmo.  If it survives around her for 24 hours with out being sledge-hammered, garbage disposaled or being flung out in the woods it becomes integrated into her daily life.  I had “yea” and the cat had “nay” on whether the I-Phone would make it.

   Am I the only one who has noticed ….. the VERY SAME race-baitin’ alphabet groups that DEMANDED the public lynching of every Duke Lacrosse player within the first week of that mess are NOW demanding “due process” for Michael Vick.   The first person to find one iota of integrity with those groups please raise your hand.

   Without a doubt, the highlight of Jimbo’s Latest Criminal Proceeding was the description of disgraced Jimbo’s co-conspirator Michael Decker as “living in a van and taking sponge baths in the legislature’s restrooms”.  ….. that visual’s gonna be hard to beat.  Assume you all said “Damn BobLee was right AGAIN!” when Don Beason (see photo) was fingered as Jimbo’s $500,000 bag man.  If you saw this Uncle Wiggly lurking around a school playground you would shoot him THEN call 911.   Just two years ago Don Beason, Jimbo and “Mere” were Raleigh’s high-flyin’ “Rat Pack”.  Wonder who inherits that title now?

   AppleCheeks&Elizabeth Watch ….. America’s Most Courageous First Lady Wannabee and her husband celebrated their thirtieth anniversary this week at the Wendy’s in Carrboro.  Local fawning media-sycophants were on-hand to record the dynamic duo posing courageously with some local poor people.  Neither Elizabeth nor her husband showed any cleavage at the contrived event.  There was a “suspicious substance” in the chili but the manager scooped it out saying “how did another one of those get in there?”

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x