Sayonara Dragons PLUS

January21/ 2000

… What do NFL Europe and Michelle Wie have in common? …. Both “called it quits” this weekend. …. BobLee laments the demise of the Barcelona Dragons, the Scottish Claymores and “the leggy links phenom-ette” …. Your favorite wordy website wizard finds solace in a bevy of other hoot-worthy goings-on in sports and politics.  WARNING: This one has a Top Five feel to it.

I always wanted a Barcelona Dragons ballcap.  One of NFL Europe’s original franchises (it folded a few years ago), Dragon memorabilia prices surely kicks up a notch with yesterday announcement from NFL Commish “Chain Saw” Roger Goodell that the NFL was axing it’s “take American football to the EU” experiment.

We got an exclusive interview with “Chain Saw Roger”.  Quote the Commish …. “Unlike David Stern’s silliness with his WNBA joke, we do not have 38 lesbian season ticket-holders threatening to sic Rosie on us if we fold our silly league. No one much cares.”

But Rog, could there be another reason for this turn of events?  “You mean the rumor that Pac-Man Jones was working out with the Amsterdam Admirals?  Let’s just say Pac-Man and Tank Johnson will not be suitin’ up in any league I have anything to do with.”  You tell’em Roger.

Meanwhile up in Chestnut Hill, former talk-show impresario and ex-Rhein Fire QB coach Steve Logan just smiled as he enjoyed a Dizzy Gillespie riff on his MP3.

Down at Pine Needles I would say Tora Tora Tora if it had been South Korea rather than Japan that attacked Pearl Harbour.  It wasn’t but the South Koreans have officially taken over this year’s U.S. Gals Open.

There is an old joke about such and such fat person “has more chins than a Chinese phone book”.  The Pine Needles leaderboard has more Kims, Parks and Lees than the membership roster at Seoul National Golf Links & Sushi Bar.

Between the 20+ “which one of ‘them’ is she’s” battling heat and thunderstorms at Peggy Kirk Bell’s golf Shangri-la, and wunderkind Wie’s crash & burn bye bye …. the TV ratings for this thing will approach the networks version of the Mendoza Line …. aka “Katie Couric coos The CBS News”.

NOTE:  This week’s SI actually has a story on Mario Mendoza.  BobLee Buddy “Don at the WashPost” needs to check it out.

The sniping Shineolas will chortle over Wie’s current malaise.  Will she bounce back at this juncture of her career at 18?  At 18, most Shineolas only have maybe 10,000 message board posts on their impressive personal resumes.

ESPN is celebrating it’s annual Sex-capade.  Past annual honorees have included Harold Reynolds and Mike Tirico.  This year’s designated “bad Boyz” are Smilin’ Jay Crawford and Woody “The Grinch” Paige versus Rita The Make-up Girl.  In a post-Nifong world we must keep the parameters of possibilities wider than Rosie’s butt.

The “money line” so far is Rita’s description that Woody grabbed my backside so forcefully that I was propelled forward and into the air.”

Now if I could just find a way to work that line into The Greatest Headline In Sports History …. “Two Cheerleaders In A Toilet Stall”.

Nobody likes Woody very much because he has crafted an on-air persona that only Barry Bonds could admire.  As for Jay …. I always thought he and Karolina Kit Hoover made a nice couple of grinnin’ metro-sexuals to set on top of a Twinkie.

Who knows who propelled who thru what ….. ESPN will likely toss Woody Paige on the sacrificial pyre and reassign Jay to 3 AM Sports Center on ESPN Mars.


   Yes, Another broadside lampoon of “you know who”.   You don’t have to read it …. but you probably will.  As will 1,000s of others.   Just one guy and just one website.

Tonight (Saturday the 30th) is The Big Frantic Beg-Fest for Ms Elizabeth and The Poverty Pimp.  Time’s running out for Elizabeth to beg enuff bucks to keep hubby’s grinning mug on billboards in Des Moines’ poverty-infested urban canyons.

This silly shindig is being hosted by Steve & Louise Coggins, Elizabeth and her husband’s next door neighbor, out on “Figure Eight”.  For those of you not familiar with Figure Eight Island.

It’s THE 3rd America.  A mega-toney exclusive gated enclave on North Carolina’s fabled Golden Hypocrite Coast.

Ya wanna see what sort of decadence one can amass from asbestos, a few caesarean sections, half a dozen lead paint cases, and a dozen or so whiplashes?  Finagle your way passed the guards onto Figure Eight.  Tell’em you’re a BellSouth ad salesman and you have a phonebook back cover available.  That works for me every time.

Someone told me there are more trial lawyers per square foot on Figure Eight on a June weekend than at a four-way crash at the intersection of Trade & Tryon.

This fete won’t be all slimey trial lawyers.  A mummified hoops legend will be on display in the foyer with a popcorn chompin’ Gut playing “Teller” to Deano’s “Penn”.

   Fishwrapper Mogul Frank Daniels Jr and wife Julia will be there too.  Former NCCU Chancellor Julius Chambers is the token “colored man” on the guest list.  The token “gay guy” has yet to be selected as Elizabeth’s husband has a well-noted ”allergy” to “those people”.   Mogul Frank Jr, tho no longer “Mr. Big” at the N&O, has arranged for Rob the Androgenous Journo-Dork to be a lawn jockey.  

At the 11th hour, a piñata in the shape of Ann Coulter will be lowered from the cathedral ceiling of the Coggins’ Tort Castle.  Elizabeth, rising gallantly from her sick bed, will flail away at the papier mache Ann with a leafblower signifying her husband’s deep compassion for “those brown people down at Taco Bell”.

   Speakin’ of “money lines” … this one from our pal BeoWolf.  Has anyone ever seen John speak while Elizabeth was drinking water?  Kudos to the feisty right-wing commando.

Promise not to tell anyone BUT yours truly will be arriving on the beach at Figure Eight via zodiac boat at 22:00 just before Elizabeth’s dramatic piñata flail.  I’m planning on running thru the Coggins’ backyard with a battery operated ambulance siren.  With any luck there won’t be anyone but Coach Gut still hanging around to cheer on Elizabeth.  Everyone else will, of course, be chasin’ me.   ….. so much hypocrisy …. So little bandwidth.


  FOLLOW-UP …. the diversion went off like clockwork.  I led 136 of Johnny’s buddies on a 3-hour “snipe hunt” all across Figure Eight Island chasing BobLee’s ambulance.  


 Speaking of NFL Commishs … 

Name at least Four of them.


   King Rice’s infamous visit to Chapel Hill’s police department was to demonstrate the effect of a point guard’s fist when applied forcefully to sheetrock.  No charges were filed since King graciously agreed to autograph the hole in the wall.  $35 was deducted from the legendary “hush-slush fund” to cover repairs.

   HOW COME ???? … two recent cases of pregnant women being murdered.  In both cases “double homicides” is the crime.  How can something “legally not alive” be killed?  Are only reluctant mothers and abortion doctors allowed to do that? …. just curious?

The latest Bruce Willis Die Hard 4 – Live Free Die Hard is a Five Butt Kick Corker.  BobLee says “Ya Gotta See It”.  It’s a primo date flick IF your date, like mine, has her own conceal carry permit.  The “money line” comes from McClane’s daughter Lucy to Very Evil Guy as everything starts blowing up …. “That would be …. MY DAD!”

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