…. This little tale involving The Pale Rider hits on so many salient points it’s like trying to identify all the ingredients in a Shrine Club Brunswick Stew. Just sit back and enjoy it. If for no other reason than it does NOT contain “that N-word” from Derm. Even UNC’s mouth-breathing howler monkeys will be able to understand some of this …. maybe.
Boshamer’s Moochies VS The Beavers
Rematch At Rosenblatt – YEE HAA!
Go Moochies Go
The setting was GOVERNORS CLUB, that mythical “rich white folks enclave” behind the ominous security gate in northern Chatham County. Being a notorious roguish Internet Legend I am well-known to the ominous security guards who control access to the mythical enclave. …. “Good morning John.” “Howdy BobLee. Loved your last column, best yet.”
As I weaved the F-150 pass the expansive manses with the meticulously maintained lawns I looked for “that lot”. You know “the lot” that all prospective UNC coaching candidates are given, according to Shineola lore, when “their people” begin secret negotiations with Dickie.
You may recall my suggestion to Gov Club’s Mayor Emeritus Kirk Bradley last Winter. I suggested that Kirk pick out an unsellable quarter acre under the high voltage wires and set it up like a “Closest To The Pin” stake at a Pro-Am. Have every famous coach on Earth come by and sign the sheet. …. I Knute Rockne swear I was offered this lot if I would come coach at Carolina. I chose not to but I do think Carolina is “a sleeping giant”. …. Message board loonies could come and get their pictures taken by the stake …. Except, of course, cross-eyed spittle-spewing loons are on the “STOP or we’ll shoot” list at the aforementioned ominous security gate. ….. I digress.
The reason I was in the mythical enclave this go-round was a diabolical plot hatched by the ever-mischievous Prince Albert The Long. Prince Albert is one of those pesky “Christian” activists and he had assembled a dozen or so “Christian Capitalists” for a most sinister purpose ….. support Agape Corner – a Christian childrens home in Durham. Agape Corner takes in abused and neglected children and gives them love and support and room and board. OH NO!!!! …. Yep, and these eeeevilll Christian Capitalists were donating their ill-gotten capital gains (no doubt from the sweat of minorities and illegals!) to keep Agape Corner in operation another year.
Albert had considered calling a press conference at The Carolina Inn to announce the project but UNC officials said that John Edwards has the exclusive for all “earthshaking announcements” in their atrium. We told’em we even had “a for-real cancer victim” in our group TOO, but “that Christian thing” freaked them out. So we ended up at Governors Club.
The eeevilll Christian Capitalists were writing sizable checks. Albert arranged for The Pale Rider to stop by and play a few holes with the sinister benefactors. Last year The Blue Messiah stopped by. The year before Yea Olde Legend had done so. We did not tell Dean that these guys all believed in the King Jimmy Bible not the Robert Seymour abridged version. …… so, enough with the commercial BL, what about Butch? Relax, I’m getting to that part.
My first time up close and sociable with The Pale Rider. I hate to tell ya boys and girls but Ol’ Butch is just “a regular fella”. He drove himself …. no limo and driver …. no posse of sycophants. He still has no use for Vitalis as he remains follicly deficient from the chemo but he seems unphased by the Mr Clean non-hairstyle.
Let me qualify this situation right now. Me, and my fellow Christian Capitalists, ain’t ‘xactly hicks from sticksville. We’ve all been around the hoity AND the toity more than a few times. We tend to measure a man’s character more than his stack of press clippings. One of us was Josh Hamilton’s father-in-law …. Another is married to a Tar Heel sports goddess …. One is heir to a major St Louis brewery fortune. Most of us have “played Augusta”. Heck, I once spent 20 minutes alone in a relatively small room in Fort Worth with Wayne Newton. Meeting Butch was nice but none of us had a case o’ da vapors about it.
Butch is incredibly “normal”. If you had walked in on the dozen or so of us sitting around the lobby of the clubhouse (assuming you got passed the security guards of course) you would have had a hard time picking out “the Chosen One who will deliver Tar Heels to their BCS Destiny”. No flashy Super Bowl rings …. No smarmy “fool a recruit” oilyness in his speech …. No thinly-veiled discomfort in having to hang with these knuckleheads.
I’ve hung out with enough A-List celebs to recognize the various defense shields they use to avoid getting “fan cooties” in such situations. Just incredibly “normal” is as good as I can describe “just Butch”. I now know “just Butch” well enough to know he would be quite pleased with that description.
Another less well-known UNC sports celeb was on hand – Dr Dick Coop. Dr Coop is one of America’s pre-eminent sports psychologists …. Specializing in tinkering inside some of the PGA Tours most notable noodles …. Payne Stewart, Corey Pavin, Justin Leonard and a water hazard full of other Tour notables did (in Payne’s case) or do consult Dick when they start leaving 6 footers short too often. I’ve known Dr Dick for 10-12 years …. A most interesting fellow to be around …. An official “smart sumbitch” to be sure. Just ask “just Butch”.
Memo To File: Remind Dick Coop that with “his name” NEVER autograph a picture across the front of his pants!
Dr Dick got to telling PGA Tour stories which merged into basketball and football stories. I was standing about 5’ from “just Butch” and he was absolutely awed by what Dr Dick was saying. “just Butch” is “a thinker”. What Dick was describing was the type of fascinating “why they do that” stuff that “just Butch” gloms on to like a Franklin Street loonie to a crackpot theory. I guarantee you that “just Butch” will have Dr Coop speaking to his staff before the next full moon. “just Butch” is that rarest of coaches that actually reads book without centerfolds …. And has seen movies other than Patton, Animal House and CaddyShack. …. As you might imagine, by this time I was ready to slap the BobLee Seal of Approval on “just Butch’s” right butt check and declare him “My kinda guy!”
Me and the Christian Capitalists spent 5+ hours with “just Butch” and Dr Coop. We all had a lot of fun in our Christian Capitalist sorta way. Agape Corner’s doors will stay open another year thanks to the dogged persistence of Prince Albert The Long and the generosity of His Friends.
I can’t tell you’ans all the cool inside info that “just Butch” chatted about because us Christian Capitalists have a code of Omerta that governs such leakage. He did admit he likes “navy & black” as jersey colors and thinks Oregon State’s unis are “rad”. ….. I suggested The Righteous Brothers “Unchained Melody” as a cool intro song to run out of the tunnel to. He wrote it down and said he would discuss it with Steiny. We also discussed moving the Lettermen Lounge back to the Choo Choo Room. The Wrath Of Little Ricky is far worse than those Florida State defensive ends. ……….. OK, we didn’t really discuss the unis but I figured I might as well explode a few Shineola heads with that one. …. Hehehehe.
Folks, as I’ve been telling you, Frank Beamer ain’t losing sleep over “just Butch” being on his schedule every year …. been there, beat that …. four times outta four …. and there simply are not enough thoroughbreds in the Kenan stable right now to make anyone BCS’ list in the very near future. But …. “the capable hands” that corralled “just Butch” to Chapel Hill deserve a sincere attaboy from the TarHeelNation. “just Butch” and Ol’ Roy are NOT the same breed of cats. There’s noticeable differences tween’em but not in the qualities that matter. So go ahead and call Clint Gwaltney to order those Kenan seats. Tell Clint that BobLee sent you.
There is a new day dawning in Kenan Stadium and it looks like a sunny one with “our color” skies.
Let’s see here …. we got Butch … Roy …. Anson …. Sylvia …. Mike …. only four out of the five took their teams to national tournaments this year. Damn that Dickie Baddour!
For what its worth to you Wuffies. I was with El Sid on Monday out at Brier Creek and he’s a darn fine guy too. I told Sid how much I liked his National Anthem routine. He said “you’re not BobLee are you?” …. I said “That be me!” …… as always LIFE IS GOOD!
Who designed the 27 holes at Governors Club?
True NewsFlash: Yahoo has bought Rivals.com? Yahoo …. Is that not appropriate? The selling price was $2.00 per average IQ point of their typical message board subscriber. A check for $73.00 was delivered today to Rival’s home office in the men’s room of a Dick’s Sporting Goods in Brentwood Tennessee. …. Now back to our regularly scheduled column.
TRUE REPORT! …. A Gallup Poll this week revealed that 14% of Americans (Dems & Repubs & “Other”) said they “had some confidence” in Congress. This compares to 19% who say they believe Elvis is still alive. That is “the lowest” un-approval rate EVER for Congress but consistent over the past five years as regards Elvis. …. sigh, sniff, sob ….
Phiedippides ran the first “Marathon” to tell the Athenians that the Greeks had defeated the Persians at Marathon. Good thing that battle was not fought in Kalamazoo. His final word, according to the folks in Beaverton OR, was “Nike” …. In reference to the Greek goddess of Victory …. And Phil Knight’s great great grandmother.
After the shindig at Gov Club we moved the party to Squid’s for hushpuppies, tall tales, and making fun of Prince Albert. ……. Before partaking of dinner, we bowed our heads to “give thanks”. Yikes, that is felonious political incorrectness in “that town”. Suppose some beady-eyed local atheist anarchist complained? Relax …. Greg, the owner of Squid’s, was sitting two feet from yours truly echoing the “amen” when Albert was done with the blessing. Us Christian Capitalists have “friends” in very high places …. REALLY “High Places” if you get my drift.