Cure For What Ails You

January21/ 2000

…. Last week was “arduous”.  Way too much Jimbo The Weasel and Mr Almond’s Joy and whatever the candidates from hell said about each other…. Beck & Posh notwithstanding, I needed some hardcore Scallywag Relief so Mizzus and I went where “America” still shops (no, not Sears!) and reaffirmed our “faith in our fellow man”.

This time last week, David Almond “was” a two term Republican state representative from Stanly County.  He is as nondescript as a ‘03 harvest gold Camray in a Kroger parking lot.  But Rep Almond felt he possessed something “descript” and he wanted to show it off.  Its better you hear it from me than some junior journalist who would not know “truth” if it fell out of a State representative’s pants …. Which is pretty much what happened here.

He asked his 63 y/o legislative assistant to “step into my office for a moment”.  Imagine your Aunt Clara or “Betty Crocker”.  He closes the door …. Unzips and whips “it” out.  …………… (dramatic pause for full effect).  There is no indication that he had any intentions other than for Aunt Clara to “see it”.  That objective was achieved.  She had enough composure to exit the room post haste.  Almost as hastily, Mr Almond was “former Republican State Representative”.

This was a Four-Step Process …. (1) He shows “it” …. (2) She sees “it” …. (3) His career in Republican politics is abruptly over …. and  (4) Both sides issue their oh so predictable statements …. To wit:

Democrats/Liberals bray ….. “So much for the Family Values party!”

 Repub/Conservs reply ….. “At least we fire our crooks and perverts.  You guys canonize yours.”


   It was an appropriate addition to a humdinger week of Jimbo The Weasel’s Perp Walk, Jimbo The Weasel’s $500,000 “perfectly legal” (wink, wink) lobbyist loan , Elizabeth’s July “suspicious substance” Scam, and Elizabeth’s spouse sniffs Hilly’s hair while saying something stoopid AGAIN. (photo courtesy of BeoWolf)  ….. I needed a break!


 Mizzus and I have a list of places we go to remind ourselves that while America, without question, teeters over the bottomless abyss of eternal hellfire; there still are places where one can go to get a fingertip hold on sanity.  We arose early Saturday morning ……

   Tomatos, Peaches and Perennials …. The Farmers Market …. “Chicken Soup for the Dispirited”.  We did it right starting with a hearty breakfast at the Goodness Grows Restaurant and then a solid hour of aisle meandering.

Waiting in line for breakfast, a geezer in front of me was telling his peeps about “The Corn Palace” but he could not remember where it was.  BobLee to the rescue.  I whispered to the geezer “Mitchell South Dakota”.  He repeated it to his astonished peeps.  “Grandpa, how did you remember that?”  “I don’t know. I just heard a voice telling me.”  And you wonder how “legends” grow.

Breakfast at the Goodness Grows Restaurant ALWAYS includes seeing at least a dozen Gerber babies …. Just THE cutest toddlers right off a baby food jar.  They were there this time too.  Empty nesters love to “look” at cute toddlers because that is the extent of our responsibility for them.  (NOTE: Reader Bill in Ponte Vedra just said “bingo” as did Grandpa Paul in Texas and The Expatriate in Reno, and Doc Ed in Louisville!)

I go to the Farmers Market for a passle of reasons.  (1) it always inspires a column … (2) It’s such fun watching Mizzus shop knowing $20 still goes a LONG way at the Farmers Market …. (3) you buy a little something for $1.50 and the farmer/merchant says “thank you, hope you enjoy it” and MEANS IT.

PLEASE TELL ME WHY ??? …. Everytime I go to The Farmers Market the ethno-cultural breakdown is 97% Alabaster and maybe 3% Ebony …. HOW COME?  Fruit, vegetables, flowers at great prices and  friendly people – what is un-African American about that ???  Yo, Barry Sanders, How Come ??

A delightful visit to a Farmers Market should be mandatory before and after a colonoscopy and/or voting in a national election.  They are incredibly similar experiences except you do get anesthesia before the colonoscopy and they remove the pain-in-the-ass …. instead of swearing it in.  (yes, I HAVE copyrighted that line).

The very best “parking lot etiquette” is de rigeur at a Farmers Market.  “Rude people in a faux hurry” simply are not allowed there.  You see very few people talking on cellphones because the only people who really matter (aka Your Family) are right there with you.  Everyone else can wait.  The only “blackberrys” at a Farmers Markets are sold by the pint in little wooden boxes.  That’s a good thing.

There is still one change I might implement ….. not a biggie but becoming a issue with me.

I am calling for a global moratorium on the manufacture and use of “exposed foot footwear”.  If ALmer GOREtry (my new name for Algore … “Elmer Gantry” the hysterical evangelist …. Get it?) wants a real global crisis he should go after sandals and flip flops.

Dear departed Lady Bird would not have sandals in any “sidewalk beautification” program.

I’ve polled many podiatrists and in a 30 year career a busy podiatrist MIGHT see 5-6 pair of “pretty feet”.   Four of those (pair, not individual feet) belong to 14 year old girls named “Julie”.   They live in Killeen TX, Ogden UT, Clovis SC, and Ellicott City MD.  If that is not you please don’t wear sandals of any sort.

Companies like Sperry, Nike, Bass and Ed Eagle’s Navajo Novelties all produce many varieties of moccasins and incredibly comfortable leisure footwear that cover the foot and toes.

This is NOT a conspiracy to sell socks.  I own two pair of socks (and one tie).  A white pair and a black pair.  I do not HAVE a sock drawer “to sort”.  I use the white pair when I wear my Tony Lamas and the black pair for funerals and sometimes for church.

But Boblee, sandals and flip flops keep my feet cool.”  ….. yeah right, lots of fatal cases of metatarsal prostration being reported these days.  CDC in Atlanta has “hot feet fatalities” at near-epidemic levels.

I know what you’re thinking …. Covering up ugly feet is just the beginning.  Next, I’ll be demanding burkas for any non-Jaclyn Smiths and motorcycle helmets w/ tinted visors for anyone ever mistaken for John Kerry or Ted Kennedy.  …… huuuum, now that you mention it.  Lets not get sidetracked with hypothetical’s …. Just ixnay the exposed feet, OK?

We had a wonderful time at Farmers Market.  Then we went to “the Farmers Market for non-native Southerners” (aka “those people in Cary”) …. aka Trader Joe’s.  I LOVE TRADER JOE’s …. It is THE COOLEST grocery store / supermarket / wellness grocery in America.  It’s a growing chain started on the west coast.  If there is not one in your area then you live in South Central, New Orleans’ 9th Ward or a similar blighted area …. Move to a cool “best place to live” place.

Normally I go to places like Whole Foods or Fresh Market for one reason ….. to REALLY piss off the earth mothers, hippies, and atheist anarchists who apparently live there.  I go between noon and three M-F and I take a ghetto blaster turned up loud to my local AM talk station.  It’s like driving the PopeMobile thru Carrboro with a blow-up doll of Hillary strapped to the hood like a 10 pt buck.   You get some “classic” evil looks.

Trader Joe’s is different.  Trader Joe shoppers bathe, smile occasionally and know that there were twelve disciples and ten commandments.  They can’t name’em but they are not offended by’em.

Trader Joe’s is where you can get “Two Buck Chuck” …. Wine from the Charles Shaw Vineyard & Go-kart Track in Petaluma.  “Two Buck Chuck” has won all the wine awards.  It comes in real glass bottles with corks and in the usual colors …. white, pink and red.

BobLee is as qualified to give advice on buying wine as Elizabeth’s spouse is to give advice on national defense.  Don’t take my word on “Two Buck Chuck”.  Mizzus buys more cheap wine than the Rosemary Street Homeless Shelter and she loves “Two Buck Chuck”.  Trader Joe’s sells Two Buck Chuck by the bottle, by the case or by the SUV-full.  The latter being the best bargain.  The price gets down to a buck eighty.

Trader Joe’s has a sense of humor.  The little signs on the cukes and squash and stuff are “funny”.  Guess we know where Bart Simpson works after school.

Could the day get any better?  Indeed! …. We went to Southpointe Mall and I dropped Mizzus in “Heaven” …. aka Coldwater Creek, Nordstroms & Pottery Barn.  I could leave her in those three stores, run-off to Belize with Ann-Margaret for a week, come back and she wouldn’t even ask, or care, where I’d been.

We got home and I had DVRed my new favorite Food Network show …. Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives.  The host dude is a bit much and every show is pretty much the same …. Three segments featuring some 10-seat diner/dive in Flagstaff or Moline where the menu favorite is “a heart attack stack” with the cholesterol equivalent of 37 Hiroshima bombs.  IT’S GREAT …. Check it out.

All the places we went on Saturday and I did not see ONE kid or horny soccer mom wearing a David Beckham LA Galaxy jersey.  So far “the Beck Effect” is not registering on the Pop Culture Richter Scale.


 Everyone knows Victoria Beckham was “Posh Spice”

Name at least two other “___ Spice”. (just their stage names) 

BobLee knew all three “other Spice Girls” names. 

And you were already impressed with Corn Palace!


    I do appreciate all of you who volunteered to “go get” the reader who took issue with my irreverent attacks on “The Edwards”.  That’s not how we do things here.  Well, sometimes it is; but definitely not this time.  He (a most fine fellow) and I worked thru the issue, reached a compromise and he has resubscribed.  

   In addition to being America’s newest Urban Planning Guru, BobLee is teaching Conflict Resolution at Golan Heights Community College next semester. 

   In local news, Wake County Public Schools announced this week that as many as seven of their classroom teachers are NOT yet listed in the most recent Internet Sexual Predator Registry.  In Chapel Hill, it’s just two and one “just a peeper”.  If You don’t think we have SERIOUS problems in public education, then you might be “the problem”.

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