Where I Stand

BobLee
January18/ 2000

… In this instant classic year-ender, BobLee lays out his cards on a host of subjects…. He hits as many of the percolating issues as bandwidth will permit…. We’re adding new converts faster than a Butch Davis Bandwagon…. Some sign ups may be attracted by the fancy hats and horns, not realizing that BobLee’s true goal of WORLD DOMINATION might not be exactly to their liking… 2007 promises plenty of fun and frolic …. And remember – One year ago not a single one of us had ever heard the word – NIFONG ???

That last column apparently got linked attracting a mess of Tar Heel Shineolas.  As we told the Platinum Pals, we only visit the boards once/week and then just to read the thread titles.  Gotta make sure the hoot & hate bunch still …. Hates the media … Hates their coach or our coach … Hates our AD and marketing guys … and, of course, REALLY HATES those rival fans.  I DO usually read the barbecue threads which often have factual info in them …

Several readers have asked which websites DO I visit regularly AND RECOMMEND.  I’m glad to oblige.  Sites I check daily are StateFansNation .. RedAndWhiteFromNCState … TarHeelTimes.  I know those sites owners and I respect their objectives.  James @ TarHeelTimes provides a TERRIFIC clipping service of any articles on Carolina teams and athletes.  EVERY Tar Heel should have TarHeelTimes.com bookmarked. … SFN has a great format that does not totally exclude the “short bus crowd” but greatly minimizes their influence.  What I really like is that SFN and RWFNCS are both Pro-Wolfpack sites and NOT just Anti-Carolina sites.  “WE HATE THEM” sites are quite boring.  I’m sure PackPride still exists but I haven’t visited that biker bar in over three years.  As for the primary UNC fan sites … their barbecue threads are usually good.

I ALWAYS read Dave Glenn’s blogs on WRAL.com and everything Lee Pace writes.  Yes, Lee is on the payroll but that sonofagun can pack the facts in 1.000 words.  DG’s blogs and his Saturday AM show on 850TheBuzz should be required for every Triangle sports fan. ….

OK, enough nice fluffy chat … lets take the rubber tips off the arrows …

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   Hard to believe that one short year ago not one soul reading this column had ever heard of Mike Nifong.  Ol’ Crash has since gobbled up more Andy Warhol fleeting fame than a serial killer or a Democratic Vice President candidate (that’s a clue about what waiting down the page … hint hint!).  As most of the Western Hemisphere now knows, the NC Bar has finally dropped the hammer on Derm’s Dumbest DA.  And a Very Happy New Year to you Mikey.

My fancy lawyers pals tell me that this action by The Bar IS a BFD.  It’s a last resort action that The Bar takes very seriously.  They have been tracking Crash since March 30 hoping against hope he would eventually do something right … guess he showed them, huh.

That Josh Hamilton kid from Apex has a better chance of making Cooperstown than Mikey has of being on Derm County’s payroll on the 4th of July.  Kinda hard to be a DA without a law license.  I hear John Edwards is looking for a bus driver, Crash.

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   Ol’ Crash gets T-boned by The Bar on the same day that UNC’s Official one-term senator/love child cleans up a flood-ravaged yard in New Orleans.  You got to know Johnny’s media team didn’t like The Bar stealing their headline space.  Not to worry, The N&O’s in-house Edwards flunky, Rob Christenson, had already penned his latest political erotica on the tossel-haired, apple-checked dandy from Robbins.  How often do you read a reporter’s news story in which the phrase he makes my toes tingle appears.  Quite often if you read Rob’s love sonnets to his John.

The PlatPals got this early bird notice … Julian’s On Franklin Street is introducing Alexander’s Two Americas collection in honor of UNC’s Official Fair-haired Poverty Fighter Extraordinaire.  Flannel work shirts (with pre-rolled up sleeves) and pre-scruffy jeans.  To complete The Poverty Fighter Look one accessorizes with fake brow sweat and a long-handled shovel to lean on rakishly for photo ops.

With proof of purchase of the shirt/jean combo, one can go to Barnes&Noble and get the John & Elizabeth coffee table book twin set along with a little ribbon you wear to show that, like Elizabeth, you think cancer is a bad thing (if elected, John will make it go away immediately!).  Unlike eevvvilll Republicans who, according to The Edwards, cause hurricanes and cancer, kill GIs, make poor people, and trod down upon black people … The Edwards don’t like those things and are hoping you don’t either.

If you buy the shirt with the pre-rolled up sleeves, the pre-scruffy jeans AND the posing shovel … you get a CD of the UNC Pep Band playing Arlo Guthrie’s Grapes of Wrath Medley. ….. such a deal.

We hear Meezie bought two of the shirts (with the pre-rolled up sleeves) after catching Mrs Meez gazing longingly at the John Edwards bobblehead doll Meezie keeps on his organ.  .  He wore one last night and, according to Enrique (Meezie’s Filipino houseboy and parttime Ultimate Frisbee partner), the master suite at Chancellor Manor was “arockin’ way past 9 PM. … there’s a visual to carry around the rest of the day!

Why do I not care for John Edwards, not even a little bit?  Fair question.  It has zilch to do with my disappointment in George Bush, Newt, Trent, Delay, Hastert or any other of “my guys”.  I think John Edwards is a tossel-haired, apple-cheeked FRAUD from Robbins.  PLUS, I really really really resent the whole UNC’s Official Poverty Fighting Presidential Wannabee scam.  …. No, its not the $40,000.  Ol’ Roy and The Pale Rider burn up that much and more on Surf&Turf for BlueChips.

Do I hate “Trial Lawyers”?  Wrong again.  I have no abiding love for Big Tobacco, Big Pharma, Big Oil, Big Asbestos, Big Pool Drains, Big Insurance, or Big Anything.  … actually BIG COCA COLA is helping pay Kid’s way thru Mizzou via Great Granddaddy Swagger’s taking a chance on some sugar water bizness in Atlanta many many years ago.  Has John Edwards sued Coca Cola yet?  I’m more likely to need an “ambulance chaser” someday than to be pitted against one.

No, I simply do not like John Edwards because I consider him a tossel-haired, apple-cheeked FRAUD (from Robbins).  You are all free to think of him as your Apple-cheeked AntiChrist on A Soda Cracker (from Robbins).  Consider BL Swagger as the Anti-Rob Christenson.

In a profession (politics) that actually applauds frauds of either party … this smarmy cat bird gets a standing O.  He’s taken Clinton’s lip-biting and the old fashioned baby kissing to new levels of fool some folks all the time.  When the adoring national media asked the sweaty shoveler in the flood-ravaged yard why he was a better choice than Barack Yo Mamma or The Smartest Woman In Chappaqua, I did love his answer.

…. because I have cuter ears and I have discernable ankles.  lets watch how Johnny squirms out of that one when he folds after 2 primaries and sucks up to Hilly for a possible plum admin spot … IF she wins.   

We just might have more to say on John Edwards in 2007 …. Ya think! …. If that is going to bother you, contact our Customer Service Dept and the full amount of your SSays subscription costs will be donated to the Put Mayor Ray Nagin Behind Bars fund.

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   Trouble in CBS City.  Yes, the same BIG TV network that hid the fact that Uncle Wally was at least 3 clicks left of Fidel Castro, is having trouble yet again in their pesky “anchor chair”.   Indeed, that very same hallowed throne upon which Danny Rather squirmed so pathetically and so often … apparently ain’t quite so hallowed any more for the ever-dwindling audience still coming to “Black Rock” for “the news”.  CBS’ longtime regular viewers … 76 y/o bag ladies and 84 y/o bocce ball players in Ft Lauderdale … are checking out.  Adios Black Rock!

Whatchusay Swagger???  Can’t be!  Didn’t CBS just a few months ago dole out BIG BUCKS for “The Perky One” herownself.  Indeed they did.  But alas and alack … another woeful ratings book reveals CBS’ big bucks woulda been better spent on Barry Zito or convincing Nick Saban to move to Tuscaloosa.  (Wow, talk about hop-scotching frames of reference … that sure did it, huh?)

What’s a bazillion dollar corporation gonna do when “America’s Wide Mouthed Sweetheart” can’t draw flies.  Being the ONLY wife and mother to ever lose a husband to cancer oughta be worth somebody watching, shouldn’t it?  Apparently not.  Katie Couric’s core audience is now down to seven homeless guys outside a Western Auto Store in Wichita watching Katie on the demo TV in the window … and an on-line Perv club of 32 guys named Anonymous all waiting for Katie to dangle her stiletto off her cute little foot. …… CBS’ crackerjack ad sales guys are having a heck of a time finding potential buyers for that unique demographic.  Her $15,000,000/yr deal only has 4-5 more years to go.  It’ll turn around …….. rrrrright!

.   So, of course, who gets called?  Yep, Ol’ Swaggy himself.  One of my “inner circle” media celebrity chums recently picked up a gig providing snappy patter for WABC in The Big Apple (as well as WLS in Chi-Town).  No, not “the fancy wine guy”, I’m talking about my favorite Canadian guy named “Jerry”.

So, Jerry Agar e-calls me last night on this CBS & Katie dilemma.  “BobLee we oughta help’em.” … “And WHY is that, Brother Agar?” … I replied.  … “Because you’ve done enough Edwards zingers today and I can sense you’re still “in the zone”, that’s why.” ….  He had me there.  I agreed to give it some thought.  Seven minutes later I sent him the following:

 Top Ten Ways To Juice Up Katie’s Abysmal Ratings:

10.   Wear a neoprene cat suit

9.     Forget the cat suit … try Daisy Dukes and 

a “What Happens in Carrboro Stays in Carrboro” t-shirt.

8.     Marry Kevin Federline

7.    Add either Precious, Kim, or Crazy Cousin Jakki 

as a co-anchor/ weather Ho.

6.    Marry Kid Rock … and adopt three Zulu orphans 

and a harp seal for a few days.

5.    Have Willard Scott stand behind Katie 

juggling chainsaws, in a speedo

4.    Marry Rosie O’Donnell … AND Kevin Federline   

3.    Move the set to “a flood-ravaged yard” in New Orleans

2.    Ditch that 50 y/o Liberal Victim Perky Tart schtick 

and learn to pronounce Mogadishu.

1.  Trade Katie to FoxNews along with 

CBS’ Ozzie & Harriet tapes and the draft rights 

to Kelly Pickler in exchange for Page Hopkins.  

…. Stick a fork in “Perky” … she’s done.

 HAVE A QUITE WONDERFUL & HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

The Swaggers Certainly Plan To.

  … “Crash” probably won’t but that just too bad, isn’t it!

          Have ya still got that visual of Meezie and Mrs Meezie playing “Poverty Fighter & The Chancellor’s Wife” …. Relax, it’ll fade out in a week or so … hopefully. …. that line about having an Edwards bobblehead doll “on his organ” made you stop for a second too, I’ll bet.  Hell, it did me too and I wrote the darm thing!

 Who did “Perky Katie” replace as Today Show Femme?   (Be Careful … this is tricky)

 BobLee On The Radio … again

   Triangle SSays Folks … This Saturday Night, yours truly will be on WPTF-680 AM from 9PM- Midnight (or until the FCC SWAT Team storms the studio, whichever comes first ).  BLS is helping fill-in for Bob Langford.  “Left Wing Langford” would fight Rob Christenson for a cup full of John Edwards’ bathwater … if you get my drift.  …. Imagine you’re a Langford fan (or maybe a unicorn!) and you tune in for him … and get ME! …. should be a hoot … tune in 680 AM – Sat 9-midnight … call in with your best Nifong jokes … bring me a pizza and Dr Pepper … whatever.

   LOTS of reader comments on BLS’ intention to buy a seersucker suit.   I’m going for the Atticus Finch/ Ben Matlock / “Fat Daddy” look complete w/ straw hat and big ol’ handkerchief for wipin’ sweat.  Wanna see it … book a BobLeeALIVE show in a venue near you.

Want to e-mail BobLee … [email protected]

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