Sticka Fork In Football???

January18/ 2000

… I woke up Sunday morning in “the Triangle” but had lunch in Austin TX. … Substitute live oaks for pine trees and there’s not too much difference today.  In both metro areas “big time” College Football 2006 officially flatlined on Saturday.  Countdowns have started for “Say Hi To Sidney” … “Midnight w/ Mike” … “Late Night w/ Ol’ Roy” … and “Rise & Shine w/ Rick”.  Three big time programs (plus Duke), according to their “real fans”, all emitted death gurgles on September 9 … the earliest such demise in anyones’ memory. Toe tag’em and roll out the roundballs???

The rational “big boy answer” to “Is it time to stick a fork in football for 2006?” is NO, OF COURSE NOT …   … until the State game, all sins are forgivable … but lets have some fun with mass hysteria, ledge leapers, and two guys on CarolinaBlue trying to stick their heads in the same oven.

    BL Swagger actually had a “good time” on Saturday.  Check that, I had a very good time.  I tailgated Friday evening, Saturday morning, and late Saturday afternoon with The Clubhouse Guys from Beamerville.  Camraderie Hokie-style with a touch of Tar Heel spice to add some kick.  BLS and Hokie Jim did an altar call Friday night after Ivan The Mad Russian claimed he saw the face of Michael Vick in a deviled egg.

   Many of you will recall that it was this gang o’ guys that inspired “F-Bomb Alley” last September   When Hokie Jim and Kevin From Cary BOTH said State’s notorious hooligan sewer was worse than “the Cuzzins Camode” up in Morganton, I took it from there to where it went.

   The setting for this boisterous bacchanal was the Park N Ride Lot of The Friday Center.  My first time there BUT NOT MY LAST.  Parking and tailgating in The Friday Center off Hwy 54 is a GREAT way to enjoy a Saturday GameDay in Chapel Hill.  Anything that helps that experience this year is worth noting … huh?

   My appreciation for this bunch of 15-20 hardcore Hokies is due to my weird appreciation for bright adults who laugh a lot, smile a lot, are hospitable to the extreme, and understand that in a oft-ugly world of elderly parent dementia, children’s brain tumors, corporate layoffs, and assorted life potholes … finding time to enjoy the company of friends is time very well spent.  Hear … Hear!

      I was sitting with a Swagger Inner Circle Confidante (SICC) trying our best to avoid concentrating on the unpleasant events transpiring far below us on the greensward when SICC mentions out of the Carolina blue that he “lives next door to Emily Proctor’s mamma”.  HOLY CSI-MIAMI BATMAN!  Emily Proctor is Cally – the ballistics expert on Horatio’s crackerjack CSI squad … and a blond hottie of extreme hotness.  My admiration for my colleague went thru the roof and scheduling of our annual Brunswick Stew Gala took on added significance as well as the possible VIP guest list.

  Note with all of the above … I go out of my way to not allow the actions of “student athletes” to determine my happiness or my daily feelings of self-worth.  I know … I should be banned from “the Internet” for such heresy.

  OK … here’s the post mortem on Saturday’s various DOAs.

   When a team gives up 35 points, after giving up just 21 the week before and the first comment is “… our defense was much improved”.  You know the highlight reel will be a really short one.

   Apparently many Carolina fans were told, thought they were told, and/or wanted really badly to believe that “Carolina Football in the Bunting Era had “turned the corner”.  If so, it has either turned the wrong way onto a one-way street or into a dark, dead end alley.

  The mathematical chance to finish 10-2 still exists as does the chance of finding JonBenet’s and Mrs OJ’s killers, not to mention missing aviatrix Amelia Earhart.  Maybe the Orange Bowl scouts on hand still have Dickie’s tele # in their speed dial.  Hey … it’s possible.

  I still intend to be on hand for all but two of the remaining ten games.  My long held suggestion to paint Kenan’s infamous aluminum a pretty shade of blue will be resuggested and that it be done as soon as possible.  Actually BobLee and Twombley knew we were in for a rough day on Saturday when there were no pre-game M&Ms in the Choo Choo Lounge.  Sure, its a “little thing” but big time winning programs pay attention to “the little things”.

  Some keen observations … Joe Dailey spent last season QBing the scout squad and throwing passes to players wearing our opponents’ jerseys.  He HAS mastered that skill.  His sternum piercing “between the numbers” passes to defensive backs have the accuracy of GPS laser guided missiles.  Put boxing gloves on the DBs and blindfold’em and Joe could hit’em so dead center they couldn’t drop’em.

   Joe’s odd choices in favorite receivers notwithstanding … he is DEFINITELY our finest “tackling” quarterback.  If anything is certain after just two games, I think we can check off that one.  

    Cameron, Cameron, Cameron … son, I realize when your parents gave you a nice polite Phi Delt pledge name like “Cameron” they never figured “tackling” would be a skill set you would ever need … and 40,000+ Tar Heel fans sure wish they had been correct … but alas, t’weren’t so.  I figured Wes Miller trying to dunk a basketball (or LT attend a class) would be THE most painful sight I’d ever witness from a Tar Heel student-athlete but Lord Have Mercy I was wrong.  Those Hokies steamrolled you like three Mack trucks playing chicken with a blind possum on I-40.

   You need to have a chat with some QB veterans.  You got two choices … (1) when chasing an interceptor run fast enough to “almost”, but not quite, catch him as he crosses the goalline  … or (2) don’t think about your autograph signing hand or your profile and sacrifice your body to hold the final score down.

   I’d give you a break on that “Cameron” name except we once had a UNC QB with the androgenous name of “Darly Gayle” (!!! … Really!) from Peru near Kokomo and he would “stick it” … even ended up at DB and even sired a hard-nosed youngan named “Goal Line Tackle David”.

   My backup plan, Cameron, is to slip Ho #2 (Kim The Embezzler) a $20 and tell her “I give you the boy, return to me the man”.

  For what it’s worth, of all the tackles in all the games of football, not involving Hooters girls, that “tackle” yesterday trumps about anything I’ve ever seen not involving Garo Yepreminian in a Super Bowl.


   The 4th Annual Butch Davis (and 176 Other Coaches “We Oughta Hire”) Sweepstakes has officially begun among the UNC Lunatic Fringers.  Unlike the past three “We oughta” lists, in addition to the names Torbush, Huxtable, and Marshall please add Tranquil to the “please don’t include” list out of respect.  Yes, Bill Cowher was actually mentioned as a UNC “oughta hire” at 6:38 PM Saturday by some deranged fruit bat on TheTarPit.  Cowher will NOT be the craziest name to surface.  Trust me I know these human hairballs.

   Suggestions of a “real fans like us” rebellion to take over the entire university are also under “serious” discussion at  Liberte, Equalite, Fraternite … Power To The People … Che Guevarra Lives … Damn The Torpedoes & Hang Dickie & Meezie from The Davie Poplar.  And all this before the middle of September.

   There are eight Lowes and five Home Depots in “the Triangle”.  Between Woeful Wuffs and Hatin’ Dickie Heels … there is not one pitchfork or torch to be found east of Gibsonville. 

   The best solution came, as many often do, from my erudite comrade young BeoWolf.  He suggests combining the local Liberal  Arts and Land Grant institutions into ONE and building one giant “killing field” at I-40 and Miami Blvd.  The two merged fan bases could gargle razor blades, poke sticks in their own eyes and take turns beheading ADs, Trustees, Fat Cats, Caulton Tudor, Grey Blackwell, and whatever scheduling geniuses picked traditional powerhouses “Rutgers” and “Akron”.

   Unlike Wuffs and Heels, the “other school” in The Old Dominion steamrolled Jim Kiick’s alma mater Wyoming 13-12 in the shadow of Monticello.  State and Carolina loonies can at least pretend to hire and fire coaches and ADs.  Up in Hooville its not even an option to discuss.  Unlike Pete Gillen’s “lifetime contract”. algroh has already said he would not even consider a “buyout” regardless of how pathetic Groh Family Football might become.   As for AD Craig Littlepage, the Hoos are still paying reparations for Mr Jefferson’s little dalliance with Ms Sally and Bro Littlepage has firing immunity for life baring an ethnicity change.

   And down here in Austin, websites were up and running before Troy Smith and Ted Ginn Jr and Sr had cleared security at Austin’s Earl Campbell / Tommy Nobis International Airport. 

   Chuck did officially become the first of the two much-maligned Triangle coaches to actually fall on his sword by taking full personal responsibility for Toney Baker taking off his helmet costing the Pack 15 yards and a possible return to the Meineke Bowl.  Meanwhile in Chapel Hill, Dickie will begin his annual “try to grow a beard” so he won’t be hassled at Rotary and a student manager has been assigned to shoot Dawn Bunting with a tranquilizer dart each day until Burly John springs his annual “BIG UPSET”.

UNC WILL beat Furman … but Pack will fall in Hattiesburg … meaning the TV rights for the 2006 State v Carolina game on Nov 18 will go to the Millbrook High School AV Club for $13.96 worth of recyclable soda pop cans.  


   Five years ago on Sept 11, 2001 yours truly was sitting in O’Hare Airport at 8:15 AM CST when Darcy called to say “Hey big guy have you heard …….”.  Where were you?



 Before CSI Miami … on which show did David Caruso pull a Pernell Roberts?


 BLS sez … never order spaghetti or French onion soup on a first date.


   Bill Dooley was VaTech Head Coach before Frank Beamer … but, if you remind most Hokies of that unpleasant memory, be prepared to fight, run or, at least, duck!

   Oh me oh my … I just got word that some no-account Mizzou rascal tried to kiss Kid!  I’m due to arrive on campus Wednesday with a bad attitude and a tire iron.  I just may pick out one fuzzy cheeked punk at random and kneecap’em just to scare the rest of’em.  Yeah, I think I will. 

   Want to e-mail BobLee?

[email protected]

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