Speak up Sam, I CANT HEAR YOU!

January18/ 2000

.. We always say, there is a 2-3 year lag time for the nimrods and nitwits to get within sight of “factual reality”. …  Put’em on the clock.  Last night in The Legend’s Lair, BobLee put a mirror up to “the wine and cheese” myth and there wasn’t a trace of fog on the mirror.  Stick a fork in that old myth.  It’s flatlined.  … As Swampy said after the game “It ain’t Skippa’s Napa Valley any more”.  

Like the headwaters of The Nile, no one has ever pinpointed the geographic center of Carolina’s mythical “wine & cheese” region … “Napa Valley” as we “used to” call it.  Sam Cassell never told us … but ……….

 Section 126  – Row C – Seat 6

 … is darn close to it.  Had I leaned over former UNC BBer Bill Chamberlain last night I coulda “thumped” Ol’ Meezie on his little noggin.  No, I didn’t … but I did think about it.  Dickie V was in front of Meezie and Ersky was just down to our left.

If I’d had a “fat cat” and swung it by it’s tail, I could have hit pretty much the entire BOT, BOG, and enough high dollars lawyers, surgeons and one-armed saxophonists to start my own ultra exclusive country club.  Hell, even Adam Lucas from Tar Heel Monthly was two rows back.

There were enough light blue button-down oxford cloth shirts within 50’ of me to stock a “frog strangler” sale at Milton’s … We could have held Figure Eight, Bald Head AND Governors Club Homeowners Meetings and had a quorum for all three by tip-off.

OK, BobLee, HOW CLOSE were you?  Have you ever wondered which cheerleaders and/or dance team members have “innies” or “outies”?  BobLee knows.  I and “Bill and Beth” from Fairbanks, Alaska paid close attention.  (Thanks to our photog pal Gene Galin for this photo.)

As with most “special occasions” they so often come about via “the kindness of others”.  In the case of last night “the others” were Charlie & Et from Asheboro. …. Most of you are already figuring “there is probably one of his goofy stories coming up”.  Hehehehe.  We’ll get to that story in a minute.

Memo To Sam Cassell … Sambo, your stay of legendary prominence in Tar Heel sports lore just ended.  It was a long run you snake-headed rascal (and the nitwits will keep you alive a few more years … but they don’t count).  There is no more “wine & cheese” being served beneath The Holy Rafters in Ye Olde Legend’s Shrine.

I was paying attention to the game and not the concessions, but I think the “wine and cheese” ran out about the time “The Kid from Poplar Bluff” slammed that breakaway dunk thru towards the end of the first half.  I looked up just in time to see the freakin’ roof lift about 3”.  Good thing too, because when Wayne Ellington made those two steals towards the end, all that noise needed to get out somehow.

When Ellington made his steal at about the 2:00 mark I turned to the two Alaskans in the building and mused “do you think that a moment like that is why he came to Carolina?”  Bill From Alaska said “yes”.  Alaskans being men of few words.  Actually Bill mighta said more but he was 6” away from me and I couldn’t hear a word he was saying.  Yeah, it was THAT LOUD!

Bill got positively loquacious later in noting he had “NEVER heard the Dean Dome like this”.  That was pretty much the general consensus among the deep-pocketed gentry “in the lower level”.  Not that their opinions have any relevance since most of’em are highly successful and NOT spending 18 hours/day “on boards”like “the real fans do”.  (NOTE:  Someone asked me recently if I will ever stop pounding on the board monkeys?  I said “when they pry the keyboard from my cold dead fingers.”  A pox on the board monkeys.)

Mizzus Swagger developed a blood blister on her finger from clapping so hard.  We looked for John Edwards thinking maybe we could sue the University for not providing mittens for energetic clappers.  We couldn’t find him … probably still hanging out at Wal-Mart.

There were a few other sights you don’t see every day.  John Montgomery, Grand Poobah of The Rams Club and general all-around fine fella, was going thru “the lower level” selling what he said was 3 oz. cups of Butch Davis’ bathwater … and delirious fat cats were throwing dead presidents at him, yelling “Aye Zigga Zoomba” and telling Monty to “keep the change”.  Somewhere in Blue Heaven, Choo Choo and Bud Carson probably smiled and said “I’ll be damned.”

At the half I had to “work the arena” to see some special folks.  None more special than “Wanda The Pussycat”.  If I ever thought of giving up this gig for that piano-playing job at the whorehouse, all I have to do is remember Wanda and “Coach Tony”.  I don’t know how many BobLee Buddies there are up in Heaven but “Tony” gathers’em all up on a cloud and reads’em every column I write. …. just “a smart ass w/ a website” … yeah, I used to think that was all this was too.  I was wrong.  Wanda and I both agree that Tony “is pleased” with the get of “just Butch”.  … but you’d better teach our “boys in blue” solid fundamentals, Butch.  Tony always said “no excuse for not knowing how to block and tackle.” … we miss ya, Coach.

You know it was a special night when Prince Albert The Long came, knowing it would keep him up two hours passed his bed time.  Jackie was babysitting the grand kids so “UNC’s last 4-sport letterman” was aleading the cheers up in 224 … not quite “Billy Arthur” but then Billy couldn’t run the Statue of Liberty play, so it’s a draw.

Swampy, of course, was on hand as he’s been everytime they’ve jumped center in that building.  He only has to make a 220 mile roundtrip from Vine Swamp every time.  Just “another wine & cheese fan” who doesn’t really care … yep, just another one of them.

You all recall that incredible column I wrote about our experience at Notre Dame?  It got linked on a Fighting Irish website.  2,500+ ND fans saw it and a high % of them wrote me to thank me.  I went to the website to thank them for thanking me and saw a post from a fella called “TarHeel69”.  I don’t blink and go “WOW” too often … I did then.  TH69 had written “BobLee Swagger posted on your website!  That guy is A BONAFIDE INTERNET LEGEND!  He never posts on message boards.  You don’t know how special this is!  That guy is AWESOME. Wow!”

Now one of the Golden Domers had already said he thought I must be Grantland Rice’s grandson to write so wonderfully so the air was pretty rarified BEFORE TarHeel69 chimed in.

So I tracked down “TarHeel69” and next thing I knew me and the Mizzus were in Section 126 – Row C – Seat 5 & 6 and I was thinking of thumping Meezie on the head.

I’ve never said EVERYBODY who posts more than four times on a “message board” is incapable of reading without moving their lips and picking their nose at the same time.  TarHeel69”, now better known as BobLee’s Buddy Charlie From Asheboro, is among the minority faction that actually leads parallel lives as both “a very productive citizen” and “a loonie”.  Now that I’ve outed him, I suppose none of the hard core IC loonies will play with him any more.  That’s all right Charlie … there will always be a prime parking spot for you and Et in Mr. Swagger’s world. …. and it was Verga, not Vacendak, that got sick before that UK game in ’66.

Anyone who experienced The Dean Dome last night, and still has to piss ‘n moan and play that tired old “class envy” card, really should consider changing allegiances … or move to Cuba … no “fat cats” to bitch about in Cuba. (they EAT’em before they can get “fat”) …..  So what have we all learned from last night?

If you are a Carolina fan and you EVER make another disparaging remark about the level of crowd support and enthusiasm in The Dean Dome, we’re sending Bill Chamberlain, Bradford Marsalis, Beth from Fairbanks and Adam Lucas to kick your butt.


   This morning we got a call from Kid.  “Mom said the weather out here would be the same as back home … she PROMISED!”  And with that, the last hope of The Swagger Family to possibly “marry somebody rich” began to experience her first Midwest snow storm … 8-12″ expected by nighfall. (UPDATE:  They got 18″ and classes cancelled for only 5th time in 33 years.!!!)

  Kid’ll be fine.  She has made it thru tornados, numerous hurricanes, swealtering summers, Dad’s road rage, and that time we kidnapped Grandma from the nursing home.  She sprayed her Uggs with Scotchguard and wore plenty of “layers” … being ever mindful to be color coordinated.  In this picture she’s comparing the taste of a Midwest snowflake to the ones she caught back home.

  She watched the UNC-tOSU game from her dorm room at Mizzou.  Other than right around Poplar Bluff, “Tyler The Traitor” isn’t exactly a hero in The Show-Me State!  Kid thought she saw her Dad on TV “right behind the funny-looking Chancellor“.  Oops.


   Kindly Ol’ Bill Friday (KOBF) is, guess what, grumbling about high coaches salaries.  OK, what roguishly handsome Internet Legend called “that one” just about a week ago?  Thank you, thank you very much.  Sure KOBF has a point but its really a matter of …….

WHICH “inmates” do we want running the asylum? … The Jocks or the Squirrels ???  

….. Neither faction has even a toe in the “real world” swimming pool.   I’m going with “the jocks” …  they are fun to watch, they seem to attract MUCH prettier girls than the constipated anarchists, and they bathe when they’re done.


   Other than the Dean Dome, the 2nd loudest place we went last night was Spice Street.  I was sitting next to those same Alaskan folks there too and it was too loud for polite conversation.  Why do fancy restaurants do that?


  Before he moved to Ohio State, Thad Matta coached where … and “who” did he replace at that “where”?


   Dwight Clark made “The Catch” and was Butch’s VP of Personnel in Cleveland.

   Why aren’t we “making sport” of the NCSU coaching search here?  Because Lee Fowler is a friend of Leon’s and because we have too many WuffPals very upset about the whole mess.

   Want to e-mail BobLee? … [email protected]

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