…SIX of’em, but I …

January18/ 2000

… Alas, the Purehearts did indeed miss another “big game” as they were waylaid AGAIN.  … This is the twelfth year in a row.  … We can also report a new post-Big Game tradition we are calling “The Biggest Baddest Internet Hero”. … on a more somber note, there are unconfirmed reports as of Monday afternoon of “BLOOD IN THE BRICKYARD” … is it Chuck’s or just marinara sauce leaking from an Amedeo’s take-out? …. And “The headline you will NEVER see!”…. 

We were delaying this column as we sensed “something” might be happenin’ ‘tween Hillsborough Street and Western Blvd.  It’s that razor keen instinct that we Internet Legends seem to have in such matters.  But then we figured IF something does happen we’ll just write another column about it when it does.  We have way enough bandwidth to do a SPECIAL REPORT if need be.

Before history does close its chapter on last Saturday’s latest “Big Rivalry Game” we should pay it its due homage.

It was “a fun afternoon in Kenan” which there have been damn few of in recent memory.  The first quarter gave a glimmer of “a butt kickin’ rout” but that subsided as it should have.  With five minutes to go and State pointed towards “the infamous WEST END ZONE (aka “where TA’s career is forever buried!”) every attending fan was contemplating “what if …” and wondering “would Chuck go for two and the win” … but thweren’t to be.  Hard to believe but “it wasn’t as close as the score might indicate.”

As with most rivalry games, the real drama is all the fan yadda yadda.  That brings us to our latest “embarrassing fan crap”. … “The Biggest Baddest Internet Hero”.  By the time I checked the Internet Saturday night there were already a dozen or so entries.  The basic story is always the same:

 “There were these six (sometimes 7-8-9, maybe even A DOZEN) a**hole State fans and they were beating up these elderly paraplegic nuns outside the stadium. There were at least 100 other State rednecks cheering them on as they beat up the elderly nuns … but I ran up and beat the crap outta those 5-6-7 maybe a dozen a**hole State fans ALL BY MYSELF.  Then I turned to the rest but they were all running away … so I yelled ‘go have sex with a pig’ and I laughed at them… hahahahaha”

Then apparently our “Biggest Baddest Internet Hero” goes back to his dorm, puts on his spiderman pajamas and posts his latest adventure on “the board” for all to read.  Then curls up with his “inflatable Olson Twin” and sleeps the sleep of the Internet dweeb.


 The headline we apparently will NEVER see …

 Football Coach Fired … 

He Was A Jerk.  Good Riddance.

Athletic Director Applauded for Adroit Handling of Ticklish Situation

  We have long known that every death row inmate is “a good boy who didn’t do it”.  Now apparently every unsuccessful Div 1-A Head Football Coach is “a good guy who bleeds _____ and tried his very best … but a sorry, no-count Athletics Director was the reason good ol’ Coach lost all those games.”

   My one suggestion to my friends with NC State is PLEASE come up with your own lame platitudes to discuss Chuck’s Death Gurgle and don’t simply steal all the lame platitudes we wore out as Burly John flatlines.

I was skimming across the Wuff-Loon swamp trying to count how many different synonyms there are for “don’t like him” as applied to Lee Fowler when I SAW IT!  Some numbnutz suggestion to “make Chuck the AD and fire Foul-up … because (TAA DA!) CHUCK BLEEDS RED.” … Indeed, it was the dreaded He was a disaster managing one program but maybe he could be OK managing 15 or 20 because ‘he bleeds _____”

AGAIN … puhleeze Wuff-Loons don’t copy the same lame dumb bloviations that have littered CaroLoon Land for the past five weeks.  Come up with your own lame bloviations.  Be original.

Being a successful Big Time College Athletics Director ain’t rocket surgery or brain science.  Assuming there actually IS such an animal as a “successful Big Time College Athletics Director” (not named Ron Wellman) the job does require a bit more management expertise than “bleeding our color” and being (TAA DA!) “A Good Guy”.

Also, apparently “hiring high profile “Revenue Sports” coaches” is no longer to be left up to “sorry, stoopid, lying, incompetent ADs” but rather left up to anonymous “Big Wigs” that no one would recognize if they ran around wearing t-shirts saying “I’m a Big Wig at XYZ School and I hire the Coaches”.  As WuffLoons brayed and bellowed their distrust of “Lee Foul-up” I crossed my fingers hoping “Peaches The NCSU Trustee” gets involved. Yes, yes, yes … lets get “Peaches The Trustee” involved.

“Peaches The Trustee” lives in Tennessee where Norm Chow now coaches so its easy for Peaches to mosey over to the Titan HQ and work her “Peaches Magic” on Norm.

WHOA WHOA WHOA BobLee … WHAT ABOUT BILL COWHER?  OK … here’s the official “take it to the bank” statement on Bill Cowher.

  • Yes, the Cowhers are building a dream manse in North Raleigh (7,000 sqft, $1.6 million, etc).
  • Yes Mrs Cowher and their youngest daughter now live in Raleigh.  She goes to Ravenscroft.

Put those two facts together, sprinkle liberally with WuffLoon nonsense and OBVIOUSLY Bill Cowher will be the next NCSU Head Football Coach.  No, it won’t happen but it insures that whoever is hired (unless it is Chow) will be unacceptable to WuffLoonNation.  And more reason to lynch Lee Fowler from the Bell Tower.

Paul Johnson, Frank Solich, Shane Montgomery, Steve Rivers, et al … ONLY Norm Chow can appease the “COWHER COWHER COWHER Crowd”.

There is a reason that Norm Chow has not gotten the 4-5 HCs jobs he’s been mentioned for over the past five years.  I have no idea what such reason might be.  I’ll leave such up to CaroLoons to make up if Norm is indeed hired.

 Norm vs Butch” does indeed have some “sizzle” to it.  I like “sizzle” in rivalries.

Or, of course, maybe Chuck stays … and Butch gets a nice headstart on “locking up the borders and owning the state”.

    Note: In a Monday PM “quite odd” teleconference Chuck said more un-smart stuff but not about non-qualifiers this time.  Some one asked NC State Sports Info-babe Annabelle Vaughan if she was leaving to become PR Consultant to Mike Nifong.  Annabelle glared, threw a hissy fit,  and hung up the phone.  Lots of touchy folks around Ye Olde Case Center these days. 

   Lee Fowler is into the latest fad among beleaguered Triangle ADs … the “I have nothing to say now” order from his upline.  Not nearly as much fun as Lee calling State fans all the same nasty names they call him.

REMINDER:  For all Tar Heels going to Wally Wade for the season finale.

There is certainly no F-Bomb Alley to worry about … BUT … there is “The Quonset Hut Latrine with ankle-deep mysterious liquid …”.  The Men’s restroom behind the visitors section is THE WORST RESTROOM in Division 1-A and has been for the past fourteen years.

Nan Keohane promised to fix it but never did.  Richard “Overreact” Broadhead is waiting for faculty activists to demand he do something about it.  Joe Alleva says Coach K hasn’t put it on his “to-do” list so he can’t do anything.  I thought about contacting Malik Zulu Shabazz and seeing if he’d bring his Swat-booted New Black Panther thugs back and protest … or maybe have “Precious and Kim The Embezzler” do a benefit Hootchie Cootchie Dance to raise the $$$ to fix the plumbing.  We could call it “Famous Derm Ho’s for Better Urinals” and sell t-shirts and pound cake.


 Where did “Norm” coach BEFORE coming to NC State?


  “Butch” is from Tahlequah, Oklahoma.  Oklahoma is one of those 49 “other states” that non-consequential things occur in beyond the Chapel Hill Universe.

  Dozens of e-mails about “Fluffy the Turtle”.  We’ll probably make “The Purehearts” reoccuring characters here.  A few pervs asked about “Cindy Lou’s” abs.

  NOTE:  We learned late Monday night that “Peaches” is no longer a NCSU Trustee.  We think every BOT needs someone named “Peaches” so we are keeping “Peaches” on OUR NCSU BOT.  UNC has a “Stick” … NCSU has a “Peaches”.

  For those UNC fans trying to guess John Bunting’s next UNC admin position … move along, theres nothing to see down that road … nothing at all.

  Here’s a juicy “what if” … At worse, Chuck HAS to fire Trestman, right.  He’ll need a new OC … lets unite The Cignetti Brothers!  “Forty Point Frank” moves over to Rawlee to reverse the MO’C one year at UNC switcheroo …???  Lee pays Frank $1/year and Dickie pays him the other $199,999 to be Chuck’s OC.

  Good News for Wolfpack fans (Yes, there actually is some …) … #17 is rapidly becoming “The NFL’s Next Most Marketable Super Hero Not Named Manning”.  Congrats to PR.

  The new James Bond movie stars Joe Montana as “the young Bond”.  This one bleeds a lot and acts like Jack Bauer.  The “torture scene” (you’ll know it when you see it!) would never happen to Sean, Roger or Pierce. 

  Want to e-mail BobLee? …. [email protected]

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