Random Plinkings

BobLee
January18/ 2000

… On the brink of the next “most critical game in John Bunting / Chuck Amato / Ted Roof / Jim Grobe’s careers” we gathered up a handful of editorial potpourri for you folks…. Don’t make the mistake that some of this is not “earthshaking” because some of it surely is…. … we introduce you to the latest clown at Cirque de Chapel Hill. …. We write it, you decide.

We are dusting off our duffel and getting set for a week long expedition to Texas and Missouri.  This will be our first flying since Big Shampoo conspired w/ Prez Bush to force air travelers to check their lotions and gels.  I’m a gel-less sort of fella but I do enjoy an invigorating shampoo now and then so I’m preparing a satchel with my Prell, my box cutter, and my Bible.  Hopefully it will meet me at each stop along the way.

   We begin in Mack’s Town – Austin TX.  Monday I’ll be with one of Harvey Pennick’s boys – Tom Kite.  To say that Tom is one of the PGA’s most personable players would be categorically incorrect.  He is not, but hey I could ride around in a golf cart for a few hours with a ham sandwich.  We’ll keep our conversation centered on him and do fine.

I plan on checking out Mack’s new Super Jumbo – the latest MegaTron that apparently one can see from deep space.  If The Ohio State whups Mack’s Horns on Saturday some Orangeblood loon will no doubt post a Fire Mack ad on Super Jumbo.

Then it’s off to Fort Worth and Texas Motor Speedway for a Tuesday morning thingie for Bank of America.  Some good memories of TxMS especially the time Wayne Newton and I opened The Speedway Club.

Thursday will be the highlight of the week … Busch Stadium in St Louis … “birds on a bat” … Stan The Man … Albert … the gashouse gang.  Another BOA gig and our first time in “the new” Busch Stadium.

Yes, I’m fitting in a drop-in on Kid at Mizzou … which artfully seques into our next segment.

Thursday night we got a call from Kid.  She was sitting on her dorm steps looking at a full moon and wondered if we were.  Kid is adept at astronomy from countless hours of watching Jeopardy and has the “one earth – one moon” concept down pretty good.  So, of course, Mizzus and I go out on the porch and YES, all three Swaggers start singing Fivel’s song … “somewhere out there beneath a pale moonlight, someone’s thinking of you …”

For all you Fivel trivia fans … Annabelle our cat ain’t a Fivel fan since he and his pals claim “there are no cats in America”.

OK OK … enough sappy stuff.  Lets find some wacky nitwit to pummel … .  that shouldn’t be too hard …

ahhh, here’s one – David Brannigan….

David Brannigan is Vice-Chairman of The UNC Employee Forum.  Before you go thinking this amounts to, well, anything … Vice Chairman of The UNC Employee Forum is the nerd equivalent of Sergeant at Arms of The AV Club in high school.  When he’s not “Vice Chairmanning”, David is a “Grounds Technician”.  “Vice Chairman” and “Grounds Technician” … indeed, when looking for superfluous silliness in academia, just blindfold yourself, spin around in a circle and fling a dart … you’ll hit something silly every time.

David The Grounds Technician wrote a scathing epistle in the Daily Tar Heel earlier this week  (Thinking back to my DTH reading days 35 years ago … gotta wonder how many “scathing epistles” have graced those hallowed pages … gotta be bazillions!… and how many have amounted to anything?… damn few!)   David was warning one and all that “those evil football people” were determined to destroy the arboreal heritage of the UNC campus with Tar Heel Town.  Apparently “fat cats”, “loonies”, and even toddlers with little Tar Heels painted on their cherubic cheeks were “compacting the soil” around the trees at Polk Place and David The Grounds Technician was not going to tolerate it ANY MORE.

Now “compacting the soil” around the Polk Place trees is actually a legitimate concern.  David Brannigan however is anything but legitimate.  Just a little bit of detective work by my staff and VOILA … Vice Chairman David has a constipated instigator rap sheet that would reach to Chappaqua and back … just another goggle-eyed UNC nitwit who hates everything about mainstream America.  Could not get a date to the prom and used to get wedgies in PE … and definitely never “climbed the rope” in PE … brought a note from his mom that his asthma prevented him from rope climbing … everybody has known “a David Brannigan”.  UNC collects’em.

The UNC Sports Marketing guys are nothing if not great respectors of arboreal heritages.  They are taking great care to fence off the “drip lines” of the endangered trees, even going well beyond the “drip lines”.  That plus the relatively small amount of traffic on seven Saturdays removes any culpability of heinous compaction from the evil “football people”.  I’m thinking of carrying a chainsaw with me to Tar Heel Town tomorrow. Crawl back under your rock you “Grounds Technician” you.

This story has a nice ending.  Carolyn Elfland, herself an Associate Vice Chancellor for Campus Services, countered David The Grounds Technician’s stoopid DTH epistle with her own well-crafted letter.  An Assoc Vice Chancellor trumps a Vice-Chairman every time.  Carolyn the Vice Chancellor basically said David was a goggle-eyed nitwit … the trees were not endangered … and Go Heels – Beat The Hokies.

I thought Ersky was flushing out all those silly Assoc Vice Chancellors.  I’ll tell him to spare this one.  Carolyn sounds like “the Wizard gave her a brain”. 

Those of you keeping score … add David Brannigan to the list with South Bldg flunky, Jonathan Curtis (hates heterosexual Christian Conservatives), and Susie “Racquetball” Estroff (outspoken dyke who hates jocks but “plays racquetball”) and that History professor (Leutenberg? … Sp?)) who went bonkers when we had that military fly-over last Fall.  He was one VERY angry Carrboro Communist.

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   Speaking of angry UNC squirrels …Art Pope, well-known Republican rich guy, just gave $2,300,000 to UNC Football for “assistant coaches’ salaries” and other such stuff … and to further studies of Western Culture.  Not sure how those areas tie together but we like Art so what the heck. Art’s generous gift pisses off the faculty squirrels so it must be a good thing.

Art’s $2.3 trumps the $2 million that Johnny Edwards recently scammed from a unisex Chapel Hill couple to help him “fight poverty” and fly around Iowa trolling for “caucus votes”.  Seems to us that $2 mill would buy a lot of “Happy Meals” for the local soup kitchen but then the loon couple wouldn’t have a personally autographed picture of them handing Johnny the fat check.   …. The very rich Repub Art Pope gives big $$$ … the very rich Democ Johnny Edwards takes big $$$ … huuumm!

By comparison, E. Boone Pickens just gave $160,000,000 to Oklahoma State Football.  GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!

Well, bless her heart, Marion Jones’ B Sample came back clean.  The score is now A Sample = dirty … B Sample = clean … Marion = jumped the shark months ago = who cares any more!  What’s next … Marion has another love child, this time with Barry Bonds and the baby glows in the dark and sprouts wings?

Let’s get off nitwit stories for an honest to goodness “good people” report.  Remember a few months ago we noted the passing of Bill Dooley assistant Billy Hickman.  A former Tar Heel player for Coach Hickman had had his ’71 ACC Championship ring stolen a few years ago.  He asked to borrow Coach Hickman’s to have a duplicate made.  That ring meant a lot as you can imagine.  Coach Hickman’s children have decided to give him one of Coach’s.  Knowing Billy Hickman, I’m sure that would be exactly what he wanted.

If you’re around the Friday Center Saturday AM, drop by The Clubhouse RV.  Me and Hokie Jim and the Blacksburgers will be hootin’ and hollerin’ and deciding which hotties to allow to use Clota’s privy. … speaking of which, Joe Ovies at 850TheBuzz still owes me that cupful of Amy’s bathwater.

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Who was Head FB Coach at VaTech before the current guy? 

 Yeah … I know its a gimmee, but we Tar Heels need a gimmee right now.

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BLS sez … if your PIN # is your birthdate, you are a fool! 

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  Both Steve Irwin and Jim Fixx died doing what they loved.  Fixx was the running guru in the 80s.

  The “Where is Willie Parker from” Controversy … he’s not the first to use his hometown.  Being “overly sensitive” is a by-product of too much Old Well water.  Willie now makes 3x as much as Burly John.  That’s revenge enuff. …. After I’ve brought lasting peace to The Middle East I’ll work on Willie Parker’s “where I’m from”.  geeezzzz.  move along folks … nothing to worry about here …

  Want to e-mail BobLee?

[email protected]

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