On Anson, AppleCheeks, Arnold, Josh, Rachael et al

January18/ 2000

. Was Thursday a boffo news day or WHAT!  News stuff aflying all over the place almost faster than I could laugh, cry and/or shake my head in sheer wonderment   BobLee will give you the Cliff Notes you’ll need to get admiring glances from the cute cashier at the drug store who thinks Martin Sheen really was president.  Some right good thoughts comin’ at you.

Where to start ????

Recall when I informed the world about The Great Star-Spangled Banner KABOOM several weeks ago, I also noted that Anson Dorrance’s victorious flying ponytails had appeared before the NC General Assembly in various modes of “casual campuswear”.  And how their casual appearance had generated a few raised eyebrows?  Well …. It was NOT by accident but integral to Anson’s very carefully calculated psychological manipulation of the post-pubescent female psyche.

Anson Dorrance has forgotten more how the young female mind works than the entire marketing army at Abercrombie & Fitch has ever imagined.  Throw in The Gap guys too.  How do I know this?  …. Because I’m BobLee …. And also because:

Long time reader Buck From Wilson is a hardcore Anson-ophile.  He has studied Anson like Theodore Sorenson studied JFK … or Doris Kearns Godwin studies FDR.  He sent me previously unpublished notes about how Anson choreographs EVERYTHING about his program relative to the end result of achieving TOTAL DOMINATION of women’s collegiate soccer.  What they will wear in appearances to assorted thieves, brigands, scam artists, hoodwinkers, and maybe a handful of honest men and women in the Jones Street Sausage Factory is found on Page 157 right after “temperature of the showers in the locker room”.

Also …. I recently bought and read Anson Dorrance’s latest biography “The Man Is Watching” by Tim Crothers.  Many of you have read my other recommendations …. That Bob Greene book about baby boomers and those Matthew Reilly action yarns about Scarecrow … well you REALLY need to get ahold of this Anson Dorrance biography.  Ol’ Anson is one smart sumbitch.  He may very well have invented MapQuest, the Triscuit AND Brunswick Stew.

To say “Anson is a coach” is like saying “Tyrannosaurus Rex is a lizard”.  He is to sports team micro-managing what Einstein was to relativity … and I mean that in a good sense.  GET THE BOOK … READ THE BOOK. ….. but BE WARNED …. Anson drops F-Bombs with the frequency of AppleCheeks smoothing his hair.  Yes, it’s true.  The Bombay-born coaching genius has the free-flowing colorful vocabulary of a certain South Chicago-born State Farm pitchman. ….. (clever segue there …).

State Farm bon bon …. John My State Farm Insurance Guy has cashed about 35 of my premium checks over the past 15 years and inline to cash mucho more in the years to come.  He is not a “cave man” or have “good hands” but I totally trust him to handle my auto insurance.  He shared this with me earlier this week. ….. be warned, it’s kinda scary

… A client actually told him that he was seriously considering changing from State Farm despite John’s excellent agent service for many years BECAUSE State Farm is using a certain basketball coach in their current ads.  John didn’t ask but it was a solid bet that this particular numb nutz was not driving a Chevrolet or carrying an American Express Card.   My suggestion to John was that if either of us limited our business dealings to only rational human beings we would be eliminating a rapidly growing segment of society.  If one placed a drop of K-hate, a drop of Bush-hate, a drop of Hillary-hate, and a drop of Islamo American-hate on a foot thick block of solid steel …. Which one would burn completely thru the steel first?

OK, since around 1 PM on Thursday, many of you have been wondering what does BobLee think about AppleCheeks NOW?”   

My personal distaste for John Edwards The Candidate was never predicated on the health of his wife so that has not changed.  Now, IF he had announced he was ending his political ambitions to be a dutiful husband and father I would likely discontinue my mention of him on a regular basis in this column.  Dutiful husbands and fathers are lampooned on TV and by the Hollyweirds but not here.  We like dutiful husbands and fathers a lot.

Here’s my offer to AppleCheeks …. Yo, former Robbins town bully and one-term senator … now that your wife’s health is endangered will you be cutting back on the hyperbolic BS rhetoric?  Will you stop treating the citizens of Iowa like Juror #7 with the uni-brow, snaggle-tooth, and single digit IQ?

Do I think John Edwards has somehow manufactured this latest Breaking News to further his political interests?  NO.  My level of beady-eyed conspiratorial cynicism is maybe 3 clicks north of that point.   Do I wish any ill-will on Elizabeth Edwards or the Edwards children?  Only to the degree that they never occupy 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue or any other position of administrative influence in this country.  That they might live out their lives exchanging carbon credits while playing racquetball and H-O-R-S-E in the monster manse is my sincere wish for them.

I do know that AppleCheeks has been incredibly successful for the past 30 years generating sympathetic responses from narcoleptic jurors over the misfortunes of 3rd parties.  Should he, or his campaign minions, or drive-by media toadies (yes, Rob, I mean YOU!) now refer to him by some combinations of …. “one-term senator, trial lawyer, failed vice-presidential candidate, testosterone-overloaded former poor little mill town boy, honor student and single mother of two (oops, wrong N&O buzz phrase), courageous poverty-fighting, giant house owning HUSBAND OF A WOMAN WITH CANCER …” then I’ll likely take issue with their description of him.

Wanna play a little game …. Count the number of times the word “cancer” will appear in any article or TV/radio report about AppleCheeks from now on.  When you get to a gazillion (by Monday) let me know.

As of Friday AM at 10AM I had already exchanged e-mails with  the N&O’s Sportin’ Life Saunders over Barry’s rapid first strike against “people who still dislike John Edwards a lot”.  That be me I think.

Apparently “people who still dislike John Edwards a lot” are, in Barry’s opinion, a whole lot less deserving of respect, not to mention a right of free speech,  than “people who still dislike (take your pick) …. George Bush, Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Rumsfeld, Newt Gingrich, Dick Cheney, The Baby Jesus, illegal aliens, heterosexual white males, Ann Coulter, Bill O’Reilly, Jack Bauer, Mel Gibson, Joel Chandler Harris, and Slim Whitman. …. A lot.”  I fail to see much difference.

Sportin’ Life acknowledged that perhaps I had a point.  Indeed.  Life is never dull in BobLee’s world.

Earlier this week I had cause to go to an LA Times blog concerning a media inspired mini-brouhaha involving Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and a certain controversial national talk show icon.  There were over 200 anonymous comments from assorted partisans from the Left, the Right, and Planet Neptune.  Any of those 200+ comments had the toxic venom of a black mamba with a toothache.  Made me think of that scene in Lonesome Dove where they are driving the herd over a shallow river and one of the drover’s horses’ stirs up a nest of cottonmouth moccasins who strike the drover and his horse like 10,000 times in 5 seconds.  Imagine a giant ball of mating moray eels.  Luckily the word Krzyzewski had not appeared in the LA Times article otherwise it woulda been a Three-Mile Island meltdown.  If we can channel the visceral hate in our society into an energy source, lots of lunatics will have lots of carbon credits I think.

BUT I have resorted to my old stand by solution for when the toxic hate hits TILT.  The Food Channel.  Gawd luv’em …. Those smiley celeb-chefs and assorted happy guys and gals are America’s last bastion of good cheer.  When push comes to shove, knowing how “they” stamp the m&m onto m&ms is just more soothing to my digestive system than Valerie Phlame, Alberto Gonzales, Never Blink Nancy or John McCrazy.  I strongly recommend The Food Channel when you find yourself screaming “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE” from wherever you choose to get your news.  Rachael Ray, Paula Deen, Emeril, Bobby Flay, and their TFC pals are good for what ails’ ya.  I figure I’ll be watching them A LOT between now and November 2008.  ….. sigh, sniff, sob.

Better sit down for these two tidbits.  (1) “They” are finding bunches and bunches more odious dealings by Jim The Weasel Black.  Like digging up John Wayne Gazy’s backyard … the rotting carcasses of his crimes against the people of North Carolina are stacking up like cordwood.  The Weasel’s RINO buddies are next in line for “book’em Dano” ….. and, alas (2) Mikey is edging ever closer to that fateful day he will be referred to as Most Notorious Idiot In The History of Derm AND Disbarred Lawyer.  Look for ALL charges to be dropped against the Lacrosse boys possibly within 2-3 weeks …. And the civil suits to begin.

Josh McRoberts is leaving Duke.  His jersey will never hang in those fabled rafters of Eddie Cameron’ Indoor Stadium.  He will never join that pantheon of elongated Cameron heroes like Cherokee Parks, Hack Tyson, Jay Buckley, and Terry Chili.  Is Josh doomed to permanently reside in a cardboard box in Cameron’s basement with other modestly-achieving former short-term Duke guys now playing basketball somewhere in either Eastern Europe or Micronesia?

For those who are/will mock his NBA potential … remember Shav …. Like Josh, Shav had the imposing physique and general toughness of a very tall clarinet player.  Of course, Shav has also already earned more $$$ in the NBA for his basketball skills than the total net worth of 95% of Inside Carolina’s premium board population.  Ouch!

Be aware ….. the rising super star in Conservative cyber-journalism is Mary Katherine Ham.  MKH is Managing Editor of TownHall.com.  Her wit is rapier sharp and slices thru onrushing goggle-eyed lib-loons like grapeshot.  Mary Katherine Ham …. A for-real Red, White and Blue-Chip Star Arisin’.

As we stalwart right-wing extremists form ranks at our Thermopylaes and our Alamos, I want MKH by my side.  Maybe we will be overrun but, by damn, the funeral pyres of The Left will number like sands on the beach before we fall.


Why might some folks disapprove of

Joel Chandler Harris?


   Edmond Dantes became The Count of Monte Christo.  A rollicking good classic Revenge Yarn.  A BobLee fave for many years.

   Tubby says Adios to the hyper-ventilatin’ Wildcat loons of Lexington.  Look for the usual suspects to surface as “likely” replacements …. Callipari, Lavin, Gillespie, Auerbach, Riley, Jackson, Creane, Donovan, and, of course, Nick Saban.  Whoever gets it will be college basketball’s first $3,000,000/year man and recipient of Ashley’s Judd’s bicycle seat.  

   IF Ol’ Roy’s Boys do falter this weekend, remember the rules.  It can either be because of (1) The Crooked Refs … (2) The Unfair Media … (3) The NCAA Seeding Committee …. or (4) BobLee mentioning the National Anthem thing.  You can not use more than two of the above.   

   Go get that book about Anson. 

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