Oh, To Be A Jaywalker

January18/ 2000

…. No, that’s not JayHawk or SkyWalker … it’s a “Jaywalker”.  One of those gloriously mindless human Kleenexes that Jay Leno scoops up on the sidewalk outside his Burbank studio.   You’ve surely seen them – sooooo dumb that even other people as dumb as they are say “wow, they really are dumb!”   Are they really “dumb” or simply purposely oblivious to pretty much everything.  If it’s the latter, do they “not know” stuff I’d be better off not knowing too? ….. bad week to be a public figure w/ cancer, a local coach’s son or “a Judd”.

Why do people who lose a lot of weight on this week’s Greatest Diet Ever” take those “Before” pictures? ….

Why do the Jaywalkers seem so proud that they are soooo dumb?  I think they should be required to name the high schools and or colleges they attended and their current employer.

Why do people so politically correct they will not even wish someone “Merry Christmas” get all gushy and “send prayers” when an Eagle Scout getting a burrito gets killed in a car accident in New Jersey?  The Eagle Scout in the ram suit was a committed Christian …. He’s fine.  His soul is in Heaven with God who he had accepted as his personal saviour.  The self-righteous hypocrites wrapping themselves in faux-piety are another case altogether. …. Those same paeans of love and charitable concern curse eternal damnation on The Krzyzewski family because Mike has beaten their team 27 times. …. A University community that “PRIDES itself” on being irreligious and overtly agnostic if not down right atheistic, gets all “God-dy” when it suits them.  ….. makes you say “very interesting”.

Speaking of praying …. Have you heard Oprah’s latest psycho-babble – The Secret?  Again, designed specifically for vapid intellectuals waaay too cool to fall for that “virgin birth and resurrection” hokum.  “The Secret” is “prayer for those who don’t believe in a higher power”.   Sorta like sending letters to Santa Claus % The North Pole.

Dear Santa or da genie in the lamp or whoever ….

   The Oprah says you grant wishes.  Could you please bring me lots of money and big houses, fancy cars, and walk-in closets full of cool clothes.  Also can you recommend a great cosmetic surgeon and a trendy sushi bar in La Jolla.  

   Not that it matters of course, but I’m a really cool person.  I feel sorry for all the poor people especially those little African kids with the flies all over them.  I might adopt some of them someday like Brad and Angelina do IF the condo in Steamboat appreciates like our accountant promises it will.  I’m against global warming, global cooling, meteors hitting our cul-de-sac, people who wear socks w/ sandals and I-pod earbuds that won’t stay in my ears when I do pilates.    

   I only hate those awful people who disagree with me on politics, sports, music, who should win an Oscar, my ex-spouses and their attorneys, and, of course, all those people who (1) have more money than I do, (2) are prettier than I am, (3) have actually achieved something in their lives, (4) seem happy.  You probably hate them too for all the same reasons I do. 

   I subscribe to Oprah’s magazines and always DV-R her TV show.  I don’t actually have any black friends right now but I do have a Guatemalan nanny and I do have some rap CDs.  And I wish I could dance like “those people” can.  

   How does all this work?  Will you e-mail me where I pick up all my keen new stuff?  Or do you text-message?  Can I instant message you if I think of more things I want?  

Ciao Baby

PS: FWIW, I have also written letters over the years to Depak Chopra, Dr Phil, Toni Morrison, Maya Angelou, and Stedman Graham’s cousin LeRoy.  None of them granted my wishes, made me happy, or even answered my letter (except for LeRoy).  The Oprah’s friends are not doing too good in the messianic savior department.  Stedman’s cousin LeRoy did ask if I had ever given myself an enema using lard and jalapeno peppers.  I haven’t.


  Rough week to be “a Judd” ….. Ashley (very pretty) loses her Tubby and hopes Eddie Munster can be bought for $3,000,000.  ….. Sister Wynona (very scary) learns her estranged hubby has sought love and companionship in the arms of a 13 year-old. ….. Mama Naomi (very pretty too) better stay in bed and pull the covers up close.


    More stuff that Jaywalkers don’t know about, or worry about it …… all these high profile people getting cancer.

    Elizabeth Edwards’ cancer is tragic because her husband was a poor little mill town boy who can SAVE AMERICA. …. Or …… Mrs Edwards cancer is contrived for votes because her husband is a slimey ambulance chaser who lies pretty much all the time.

  Tony Snow’s cancer is tragic because he is a dutiful husband, father, and darn fine Conservative ….. Or …… Tony Snow’s cancer is probably another lie by stoopid George Bush and those Halliburton people.

   Butch Davis’ cancer is tragic because he is poised to restore (??) Carolina football to its rightful place on the throne of College Football …. Or ….. Butch Davis’ cancer is what he deserves for recruiting thugs with bad grades.

 Kay Yow’s cancer is tragic because she is simply a really fine person …… Or ….. Kay Yow’s cancer is just another tear-jerking “basketball coach gets cancer” story that those no-good Wuffs come up with every 20 years or so.

….. and if all these celebrities getting cancer wasn’t enough ……

Sidney Lowe’s son gets arrested in Greensboro for a whole list of crimes.  That, of course, is also a simple either/or “depending” …. “depending” upon whether one is a biasly blind State partisan …. A biasly blind Carolina partisan …. Or a normal parent, citizen and observer of the human condition.

 To State loonies …. Another case of all those graduates of UNC’s notorious policeman school picking on State people.  (yes, we know UNC does not have a “policeman school” but this has naught to do with reality.  It never does).  A high profile area celebrity’s son being arrested for ARMED ROBBERY with a freakin’ assault rifle is “news” only because Sidney beat the Tar Heels at “National Anthem” and this is UNC’s journalists way of getting even ….. and hoping to cover up Dexter Reid’s arrest for gun and drug stuff.

   To Caro-Loonies …. Another example of how low-down sorry everybody connected with NC State always has been, is, and always will be.  Let’s compare this to Tom Burleson jiggling a pinball machine and those awful Twinkie bandits ….. and be sure to include Chris Washburn’s name at least 8 times in every story.  If NC State’s BOT doesn’t fire Sidney by noon, it means they condone armed robbery …. At least make Sidney replace his red blazer with an orange jumpsuit.  Recruits parents take note …. Sidney Lowe is a thug and St Paul’s should take back their diploma.

   To normal folks …… oh my God, what a sad mess.  Raising kids is damn tough.  Even IF you do everything right, it’s a crapshoot.  If Lowe Jr “did it” he should be treated like any other street hoodlum and be properly incarcerated.  If Lowe Jr did NOT “do it” lets hope Guilford County has a better DA than Derm County does. …… remember the Partisan Marijuana Rule …. no amount is “large enough to matter” if its YOUR guy getting busted.  No amount is “too small to matter” if its THEIR guy getting busted.  Marijuana is “no big deal” when its YOUR guy …… Marijuana is “get a rope” when its THEIR guy.


   And then we have “the sheep guy in Apex” ….. when you see a headline “The Sixty Sheep were not a Flock … They were his Roommates” you either get a case of “the vapors” …. Or …. If you are a State fanpray to your God that this nut is NOT a State alum or has ANY Wolfpack paraphernalia around at all.  …… Or …. If you are a Tar Heel fan, pray to your God that this nut IS a State alum with LOTS of Wolfpack paranphenalia all around …. And hope that the real Rameses was not a frequent guest at this sicko perv’s house.

So are you beginning to see why I wanna be a Jaywalker?


 Speaking of The Tonight Show …. 

what do you do when you get to “the Slawson cut-off”?


   Stephen Gates was a young up and comer with the Tar Heel Sports Network who was tragically killed by a hit & run driver on I-40 about 4 years ago.  The driver got off on a legal technicality.

   Tar Heels Shineolas convinced UNC’s 2nd Half Collapse is THE biggest story in sports.  And the evil, jealous media is “piling on” …… reality = It isn’t and they aren’t.

   How come ????  The N&O will NOT identify criminals by their race or skin color …. BUT they will go out of their way to identify SUVs anytime they are involved in a crime, accident or parkling violation.  You never see “a sedan”, “a coupe”, “a van”, “a pick-up truck”, “a hybrid” ….. but always “AN SUV“.  Don’t SUVs deserve protection under the Diversity Code? ….. if I called “an SUV” a “van” would that be “hurling a vehicular epithet”?

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