Never On Sunday

January18/ 2000

…. Should UNC replace Hark The Sound with Melina Mercouri’s “Never on Sunday”?  The Sabbath just isn’t too charitable to Tar Heel sports teams lately.   Let’s hope Davis Love isn’t leading The Masters at the turn this Sunday because based on Men’s AND Women’s basketball lately he will go colder than a harlot’s heart on the back nine… That first half of that UNC vs Tennessee game explained why ratings for the WNBA trails Dwarf Poker in general audience appeal. AAARRRRRRGH!

    Remember when I said the UNC v Duke Women’s BB game was THE worst BB game ever played in Carmichael Auditorium?  That first half vs Tennessee now holds that record for the Western Hemisphere.  Folks I hate to diss the competitors who I am certain “give their all for dear ol’ alma mater” but LORD HAVE MERCY.  These were two of the Top Programs in NCAA Div 1 Women’s Basketball !!!! 

   NOTE:  I am certain all the UNC players love their mamas, daddies, grandmamas and cuddly animals.  I just hope they all are getting an education in something that has real world marketability.  Women’s basketball has the upside audience appeal of Nerd Syncronized Swimming.   

   I watched the first half in a hotel room in Santa Clarita CA.  I had to listen to the 2nd half on the radio as I tooled down the 405 to a soiree in Santa Monica.  Apparently Carolina actually played well for a five minute period beginning the 2nd half.  Incidentally, I had rented a very cool Ford Mustang and hit “the Slauson cut-off” just as Ivory laid the final brick. 

   After that earlier game in Carmichael I used the analogy “like watching a Jr High game in which you did NOT have a relative playing”.   Sunday night was like watching Special Olympians play basketball IN THE DARK.  At least with Special Olympians you cheer the effort and the participation.  

   I’m all for “participation” but lets not pretend its a spectator sport.  Put’em back in bloomers and use “rovers”.  Kid played BB in the 7th grade.  I went to every single game, served as chief statistician, etc.  Totally different “thing”.

   Sylvia Hatchell, bless her heart, shoulda stopped the misery and hung a Tennessee jersey over the Carolina basket.  Our girls seemed pretty good at hitting Tennessee jerseys dead center.  There were so many passes thrown dead center at opposing players’ chests I thought Joe Dailey was playing point guard for us! ….. ouch!

   It seemed to me that Ivory Latta, after last year’s Duke game in Cameron, not so gradually morphed into some cartoon character, more concerned with her “showtime” persona.  Developing a “showtime personality” is a dangerous way to go in sports.  You better hit buzzer-beaters a few times to give the image some substance.  Never met the girl …. probably a fine kid.  No question, if she played for any other team, UNC shineolas would hate her with a venomous passion.  Her hitting her double bicep pose just before the team totally tanked was not a highlight moment in Carolina sports history.

   It looked like playground dodgeball.  Our girls won THAT game by hitting 22 Lady Vols dead center before they could “dodge” out of the way.  The “highlight” of the sports version of “a two-bagger” was that little Tennessee she-midget running into not one but TWO mid-court screens.  SPLATT!    

   I’ve always had a weird S&M thing for Pat Summitt.  I picture her wearing a latex cat suit, wielding a cat-o-nine tails and using that line Jack Bauer uses when he goes to interrogate a bad guy …. “you know who I am and what I will do to get the information I need.”

   IF the NCAA and NOW and ESPN insist on televising Women’s Basketball, lets initiate a few changes real quick ….

  1. Lower the basket to 8 ft
  2. Double the size of the basket …. Go to “washtub size”
  3. Do not allow any ugly girls to play
  4. Ditch the baggy shorts for Daisy Dukes and crop tops
  5. Ditch the Jochim Noah ponytails.  
  6. Limit the game to 20 minutes with no timeouts
  7. Repeat #3 …. 
  8. Create a new TV option “Pay To View”.  You get paid $10 to watch. 

   I’m not anti-Title 9.  Girls Soccer, Girl Tennis, Girl Golf, Girl Cheerleaders I appreciate and admire their athleticism.  One of my favorite parts on any Carolina sports event is the flipping cheerleaders and I don’t mean that in a perv way.  I think they are terrific.  I’m a big Danica Patrick fan.  I’m outnumbered 3 to 1 by females in my household.  OK, the cat has been rendered “non-gender” but “her” name is Annabelle, not Andy.

      Those who say “they (girls) play the game like it’s suppose to be played, not that showboat crap in the NBA” must be big fans of two-handed set shots.  I channeled Dr Naismith after Sunday night’s yucky 1st half.  Dr Jim had already switched to The Food Channel.

   Either modify the game or stop promoting it.  The gender equivalent is watching ten fat guys knit. ….. (that’s KNIT, not what you first thought you read!) …. oh, and another thing …. The analysts for Women’s basketball should not be allowed to use “buzz words” used in real men’s basketball …. “off the glass” …. “from the perimeter” …. “on the defensive end” … “in the paint” ….. when you have players throwing up “air balls” from inside 10’ that’s not “basketball”.  …… yes, I know.  I’ll GET LETTERS from Women’s basketball fans!  …. all 15 of’em.

   So Billy Donovan now has two NCs in a row.  He trails Anson Dorrance by several dozen.  He is now two ahead of Herb Sendek but only one ahead of that guy at Barton College.  Has the inevitable “Is Florida the Greatest Basketball Dynasty Ever?” column been written yet?  Wonder if Joe Alleva will go after Billy to replace Coach G?

   I had an 11-hour red eye ordeal back from LA.  During the two hour layover in Houston I noticed what a motley group of passengers we all were at 5 AM.  My own level of motleyness at 5AM put me about in the middle.  I tried to figure if our plane crashed in the Andes, which one of us would the rest eat first.  Before I could resolve that one I was enveloped by the arms of Morpheus about 20 minutes east of Houston.  I awoke two hours later, uneaten, and with my latest Clive Cussler still opened to the page at which I had left it.

   I also noticed how many mid-late 20-ish young girls travel with small children and infants and without wedding bands.

   Obligatory political comment:  One thinks a lot on long multi-hour plane flights even with Freddie Fender’s “Before The Next Teardrop Falls” on one’s IPod.  I thought up an excuse for Rosie O’Donnell.  Why would proponents of any ideology permit, nay encourage, the public existence of such a thing …. Thing being Rosie.  

   If she ever possessed any theatrical talent it has long ago been overtaken by her overall multi-grotesqueness.  She is pretty much “the complete package” of Yuck.  The southern end of a north-bound Jabba The Hut.  That Barbara Walters finances Rosie’s TV appearance on The View confirms that Baba jumped the shark when she asked Clint Eastwood what kind of tree he would be if he could be a tree.  That was 20 years ago.

   By having Rosie as a public spokesman, “The Left” automatically makes its other screamin’ meemees slightly less outrageous by comparison.


 Who played “the mystery girl” in the convertible 

in American Graffiti?


    A  BLSays Reader “gets it” …. We received the following recently from a reader of the Lupine persuasion. 


   I can't begin to tell you how much I've enjoyed your sense of humor  
since discovering your blog. Of course you're often roundly condemned  
for making sense, but we all have our crosses to bear.

   Even with your (forgivable) passion for a certain institution in  
Orange County, I find myself agreeing with your position on a great  
majority of topics. Though I am State grad (’82), I note that you are an  
equal opportunity offender. You spend just as much time shearing the  
occasional Sheep or poking the blue pitchfork crowd. Good for you, Sir.

   As for Jaywalkers, I'm inclined to believe that they're in on the  
joke. Rather, I hope they are. If not, California has raised some  
Grade A idiots.

 Of course, all of you regulars “get it” too.  Occasionally a passer-by loon stumbles in here of some perverse sports or political persuasion and assumes it is their new found reason d’tre to straighten me out.  We toss’em out back on the compost heap.  Collectively they generate enough heat to incinerate each other.

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