More Fun Than ….

January18/ 2000

…. First, BLS readers are doing backflips all across our ever-warming (cough, cough) planet over that last column about “wise men”.   I stopped printing out the attaboys after the first 100 fearing insulin shock.  The comparisons to Hemingway, Al Capp, and C.S. Lewis were all humbly appreciated.  But, what have I done for you LATELY you demand?  Alas, we must venture back into “the forbidden swamp”.  Bear with me as Truth once more trumps even BobLee’s deranged mind …. Meet RYAN TEAGUE BECKWITH!

You all GOTS to believe me …. I was all set to embark on a 10 column journey thru pier fishing, Waffle House, cafeterias, Pretty Wimmen DownEast, and all kinds of universally acclaimed warm and fuzzy heart-warming subject matter.  I still have my duffel all packed to do just that ….. I luv writing those as much as you folks luv reading’em ….  but The Muse of Hilarious Circumstance hid the keys to the F-150 and is making me write this one.

Words ALMOST fail me on this one.  The only comparison I can draw is it was MORE FUN THAN …. sitting in a hot tub fulla Brunswick Stew listening to the Statler Bros Greatest Hits and watching Suzanne Somers demonstrate The ThighMaster in HD.” …. Let that visual take ahold for a moment.

For this one we have to go back down to Thee Journalistic DollHouse on South McDowell Street in Rawlee.  I know that frightens and annoys a few of you but we just gotta do it.  I owe this one to generations yet unborn and to my pals Jerry up in Chicago and Don in DC.

BobLee has been a badddd boy lately.  Three or four weeks ago The Palace of Progressive Pomposity began a new segment on their website.  Since I no longer allow their dead-tree version on my property, I visit their web-site for giggles.  Can I get carbon credits for no longer taking their paper version? …. Howsabout if I use it for TP …. Will Sheryl Crow’s tour bus stop in my cul-de-sac? …. I digress.

So anyhow …. The N&O created a political blog using an old column name from the bygone Daniels’ Days …. Under The Dome.   It involves them posting daily blurbs about  regional and national politics, and permitting readers to add pithy e-comments.  (don’t get ahead of me here)

You’re all saying “But BobLee, everyone knows that …. (1) no one with an IQ above plankton will bother to comment …. (2) if anyone does it will quickly dissolve into the usual septic tank of extremely toxic partisan potshots.  Well …. everyone knows that BUT Ryan Teague Beckwith …. The designated Jimmy Olson assigned to this latest futile attempt to slow down mass subscription cancellations.  So, I decided to play “plankton”.

In its first few weeks, this whizbang idea has attracted even fewer viewers than  …. (NOT a visual to dwell on!)

I have graced the site with a dozen or so rubber-tipped bon bons of moderate cleverness.  I save the good stuff for here of course.  My contributions comprise over 80% of the total reader comments to date.  50% of the remaining 20% were BlogMaster Ryan Teague Beckwith telling me I can’t say “pissin” or “Polack” on His Site …. BUT (these are his own words) “I’m not telling you what you can and can’t put on your own blog or anywhere else.” ….. …. you can imagine what a tsunami of relief swept over me with that realization.

He then used the word “canard” which impressed me even more than his exasperation with lacking control over this rogue website.  As I reread his sentence above I got the same euphoric sense of “Oh Boy … Oh Boy!” I had the first time I saw the words Bunny Hole Entertainment in a Nifong report.   I immediately alerted my national network of new media commandos that I had a live one hooked and was afixin’ to reel him in.  I set the drag, popped the top on an A&W Diet Root Beer and settled in for the fun ride.

You may recall the Annapolis lawyer that used parenthetically twice during our recent Georgetown dinner party with Richard Perle and Paul Wolfowitz’s ex-wife.  “Canard” is an actual word with a for real meaning.

   Ryan Teague Beckwith ….. what sorta image does that conjur up?  I admit my first thought was 3rdstring “middie” for the Duke Lacrosse team or maybe “Chatsworth Osborne Jr’s” roomie at Andover Prep.  On second thought no one connected with Duke Lacrosse would ever get past the security guy at The N&O. …. not nearly “diverse” enough.

Ryan Beckwith Teague Osborne Jr and I had become e-buddies on Day One of my first post on “his site”.  I pegged him from the get-go as having passed Melanie’s interview test …. (1) Rank the Kennedy Brothers in your personal Holy Trinity ….  (2) Tell us your best “Bush is soooo dumb that ____” joke. …. (3) Works cheap.   Not necessarily in that order, but close.

I also assessed REALLY quickly that he was yet unborn when JFK, RFK, and Mary Jo Kopechne were all dispatched to wherever agnostic Liberals think they go from this life.  I was, of course, spot on ….. but it got soooo much better. ….. doesn’t it always …. I swear.

The only test left was “is Teague Ryan Beckwith’s anal sphincter even tighter than (Taa Daa! …. yep, you guessed it) – ROB CHRISTENSEN’s.  Since Ryan Chatsworth  Beckwith and Robbie are both titled “political reporter” one figures they hobnob and maybe compare e-threats of bodily harm they get from gap-toothed, mouth-breathing “people like me”.  Maybe they join Jimmy Jenkins for lunch in Nash Square munching their egg salad sandwiches and snorting “Rush is fat and he does drugs” rejoiners.

But BobLee …. you’re not threatening him at all.  Of course not but any reply from a “right-wing extremist” is labeled “attacked by a Republican blog hooligan” in the N&O stylebook.  They have seven chapters and part of an eighth devoted just to cynical euphemisms for “people like that BobLee jerk.

Speaking of visuals to savor …. Beckwith Teague Ryan, Robbie, and “Jenks” all sitting on a Nash Square park bench tossing bread crumbs at homeless guys and dreaming of high-ranking positions in the Edwards Administration. ….. resident “constipated coot” A.C. Snow ambles up and drools oatmeal on their Thom McCanns.

Whatchawannabet that after work, Ryan joins Op/Ed editor Steve (I went to Yale and none of you grit-eatin retards didFord at a table down at Morey’s and the place where Looie dwells? …… baaa, baaa, baaa.?

Towards the end of my e-banter with Teague Beck Ryanwith I asked for his opinion on The Fairness Doctrine.  Oh BOY! … Through my 19″ flat-screen monitor I actually saw a wet spot growing in the front of his trousers as he realized he was destined for immortality on this silly ol’ website.  He declined to opine …. Bwahahaha.  As this pretty much signaled an end to the festivities, I was glad I had already gotten a copy of Ryan Teague Beckwith Jr’s curriculum vitae (attached below).

Dear friends (and all of you lurking in the N&O newsroom …. Yes, I CAN see you!) …. If I had to make up a resume for Ryan Teague Beckwith Osborne III I could NOT make it as stereotypically uber uber way-out-yonder over-the-horizon Super LibDem as the reality.  Columbia J-School AND occasional instructor at UNC along with assorted treatises and expoundings in more drive-by media mags than Chris Matthews reads every morning before breakfast.  Ryan Chatsworth Beckwith Teague Esquire has touched every single base for a brain-washed uber-lib inside-the-park home run EXCEPT a summer internship as George Soros’ cabana boy. …. Hell, maybe he simply left that out due to space considerations.

I have NOT been officially expelled from Ryan Osborne BeckTeagues’ website.  But I have decided my work there is done and tis time for this Johnny Appleseed to move on.  Not … just move on.  If any of you locals wanna hop in and give Ryan a wedgie …. Well, I don’t have any more control over His Site than he does over this one.  Have at it.  But better hurry.  Pretty soon the bottom-feeders from both camps will settle in and the usual stench will take over.  As I told him ….. I got what I came for …. and then some.

 …. Ahhhh, here are those missing keys to the truck ….. next bunch of columns will be those warm fuzzy kind everybody loves so much.  I promise …. Unless, of course ……..


Ryan Teague Beckwith is the full-time political reporter for the “Under the Dome” blog at The News & Observer in Raleigh, N.C., and an occasional teacher of journalism. Previously, he worked as a reporter, assistant copy editor and features editor at The Daily World. He has taught as a visiting instructor at UNC-Chapel Hill, N.C. State University and Grays Harbor College. Along with John C. Hughes, editor of The Daily World, he wrote and edited “On the Harbor: From Black Friday to Nirvana,” which is currently available from Stephens Press. He has worked as an intern at such publications as Newsday on Long Island; The Daily News in Longview, Wash.; The Stranger and Seattle magazine. He received a bachelor’s degree in Rhetoric and Media Studies from Willamette University in 1997 and a master’s degree in journalism from Columbia University. He was born in Pennsylvania in 1974 and grew up in Bellevue, Wash.


 Who were the most famous residents of these two “coves”

Crabapple Cove

Cabot’s Cove


   Hold up that one-iron cause even God can’t hit a one-iron …. But Ben Hogan sure could on the 18th at Merion.

   Didn’t I know that “pissin” and “Polack” would set off alarms at Thee McClatchey DollHouse”?  Certainly …. I’m an honor graduate of the Karl Wallenda School of Politically Incorrect Tightrope Walking and He can’t say THAT …. CAN HE?  

   If any of you still do read the N&O, watch for Ryan’s byline for his oh-so-objective reportings on “politics” ….. and if you’re strolling thru Nash Square around noon …. He’s the young pup on the park bench between Robbie and “Jenks”.  Don’t worry about Ryan’s mamma seeing all this and getting upset …. he was “raised by a village” dontchaknow.  

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