Jack Boots & Jelly Donuts

BobLee
January18/ 2000

Other than Britany dumping K-Fed there’s not much going on … is there? …. Oh yeah, “the coaching search” and “the elections”.  Having just written that sentence, it occurs to me how revealing that sentence is about America 2006.  Mizzus and I got stuck in gridlock on the Dan Ryan Expressway last weekend … cussing didn’t seem to help then … pretty sure it won’t help now.  I’m a “humorist”.  Some say “a pretty good one”.  Let’s find out ….

The first segment is about Britany.  The second segment is about “Butch or …”.  The third segment is on election results.  The fourth segment is about how BobLee spent Election Day.  Read’em all or pick and choose.

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    Yes it’s true … Dave Glenn, Buck Sanders, Eddy Landreth, Tom Suiter, Caulton Tudor, and SluggoDaHeel all are reporting that Britany Spears and Kevin Federline are splitting.  K-Fed’s “buy-out” will be a WHOLE LOT more $$$ than Butch Davis ever dreamed of.  Line up boys, America’s favorite slightly used trailer park skank is back on the market. ….. “Adam and Eddy” at CarolinaBlue are reporting Britt has offered Marvin Sanders a three-year deal to be her personal “coordinator”.

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    “Butch” is probably going to happen any minute.  Sources I would trust (in order) are The University of North Carolina Athletic Department … Dave Glenn … Buck Sanders @ IC … that’s about it.  All others are vultures wanting their Andy Warhol moment as a “Loon Celebrity”. … I still think Paul Johnson would be a better choice in the long run but I’m just an interested observer.   If “It’s Butch” will bring 10 minutes of happiness to “the Loonies” then its worth whatever it costs.  The importance of happiness for “loonies”and 18 y/os with 4th grade reading comprehension should not be minimized.  Plus the faculty squirrels will go COMPLETELY BONKERS when the Butch Dollars are made public … THAT WILL BE FUN TO WATCH!

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    It’s no secret … I am a reasonably hard-core right-wing Conservative in my personal views of how government, communities and individuals should interact.  Nothing that has happened in the past 15 years or the past 24 hours causes me to question those beliefs.  I will go to my grave sometime in the next 20 years with those same beliefs. … Lord only knows what this world, this nation, or my neighborhood will be like as those 20 years evolve.

Was I “surprised” at the election results?  No, not really.  I am incredibly pragmatic about such things.   OK, Super-crook weasel Jim Black winning by seven votes DID surprise me.  The Matthews community should be bulldozed into a sanitary landfill.

As a “Conservative” I am also a registered Republican.  Yesterday was a defeat for a number of Republican politicians who deserved to be defeated.  They failed to do what they were elected to do.  In some cases they were dishonest.  In some cases perhaps simply incredibly naïve.  In either case, deserving of not being reelected.  Not every defeated Republican “deserved” to be defeated but such is “the process”.

Are the Democratic politicians who “won” any “better”?   I doubt it, in fact I expect they will be much worse, but I hold Republicans to a higher bar of honesty and integrity.  I’ve lost parents, pets and most of the sight in my right eye.  Losing an election doesn’t rank with any of those.  I’m sure Nancy Pelosi, Teddy Kennedy and Harry Reid will be as honest and forthrighting in running America as they have been in everything else they’ve ever done.  We do still have Jack Bauer don’t we?

Do I “blame” the mainstream “drive-by” media?  Nope.  The mainstream media is what it is.  Do I “blame” the liberal Democrat politicians?  No more so than I “blame” Coach K when he beats UNC or an official who makes a call against Carolina.  That’s their job.  It is “my guys” job to beat them, overcoming all obstacles to do so … not the Libs’ job to lose.

In summation … I do not subscribe to the old saws that “politics ebbs and flows” and “America is resilient” and “the American people always rally when push comes to shove” yadda yadda.  The Greeks, Romans, and Mongol Horde all thought they were “invincible” and would “always dominate because we are ________ “.  “Empires” and “nations” are built on sweat and grit and determination.  Empires and nations crumble when their people get soft and demand “bread and circus” ……. Which brings us back to Britany-K-Fed and “Butch”. … really important stuff!  ….

At no other time in World History have “nuts had nukes”!  Neville Chamberlain, Cato The Elder, and Cardinal Richelieu could screw up all they want and not be VAPORIZED by “a nut w/ a nuke”.  Thats why THIS TIME ITS DIFFERENT!

For those of you not in the Triangle area.  Go ahead and book your rooms for “this Spring”.  Mikey Nifong “won”, barely defeating “an empty space” and “a guy who didn’t want the job”.  In his victory mumble, Mikey praised his supporters for being “dumber than dirt” and promised to further disgrace them, the City of Derm, the American Judicial system, the NC Bar Association, and every two-bit ho in Derm County.  Nancy Grace and “Greta” exclaimed “goody goody” when told the news.

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    For the past four elections I have served as an “official poll observer” at a local voting precinct.  I do it because I like to be part of the “process” … I learn something every time … I usually get a column out of it.

Being “an official poll observer” involves your political party notifying your local board of elections that you will represent them (your party) in observing that proper (legal) procedures are followed by voters and precinct officials on election day.  There are well-defined actions and “what ifs” that “poll observers” must follow.  “Carrying a sidearm”, “riding a unicycle”, and “threatening people” are all prohibited.

The precinct I have been assigned to all four years is “predominately” Democratic” and “predominately” African American.   “Predominately” in this case defined as “out of 3,267 registered voters – five are registered Republican”. … and think Otis Day & The Knights’ club in the “road trip” scene in Animal House.

   The first three years I dressed as a “Ninja” … all in black.  This year I chose highly polished “jack boots” and Ray Ban “Reflectos” (think Cool Hand Luke!).  Needless to say, I have earned quite a reputation with the precinct volunteers.  But not what you are thinking.  In true Sallie Fields style “They like me!”

The precinct judge, Ms Etta, could be Sapphire Stephens.  Ms Etta is a good six foot, maybe 200 lbs and could jerk a knot in a gangsta punk quicker than you could say “Snoop Dogg”.  Etta and I pretty much shuck & jive all day.

The “opposition party” has poll observers too.  This year it was three Dems and one BobLee … about fair enough.  This year’s Dems were two George Carlins and a Mama Cass.  I swear I can’t make this stuff up.  This trio was right out of a 60s protest newsreel.  When they paraded in all beady-eyed and scruffy, Etta looked at me and we both winked … and giggled.

My job was to watch the 800+ expected voters and Etta’s staff.  George, George, and Mama Cass’s job was to watch me.

   When I got there at 6:15, Louise, one of the registration ladies, quickly noted she had brought the “jelly donuts” she remembered I liked.  Hence this colunm’s title.  If this had been a Jewish precinct it would be “Jack boots, Lox and Bagels”.

I was on WPTF 680AM at 8:40 “live” from “a predominately Democratic precinct” … I was part of a “three celebrities” segment … FoxNews’ Judge Anthony Napoliatano, Dan Rather, and me.  I was supposed to be batting clean-up … but Dan cleared the bases.  Donna “The Hammer” Martinez got Dan to make a complete fool of himself about the fake Bush National Guard documents.  Donna nailed Dan’s pathetic lying butt to the wall … and I did five minutes of snappy patter but Senile Ol’ Dan was clearly the “star”.

Ms Bertha is the “ballot hand out lady” after Louise and her team hand the voter their “Ok, you can vote” slip.  This precinct still requires some form of legitimate ID.  That will likely change with the latest election results.  Expect to go to “fog a mirror” by the next election and anyone “with legitimate ID” will be prohibited from voting.   You think I’m kidding … I’m not.

Back in year one of my career as a “poll observer” I noticed Bertha telling voters where to mark to “vote straight Democrat”.  Other than being completely “illegal” that is, well, completely illegal.  I politely suggested another way to phrase the instruction.  She politely told me there were only five Republicans in that precinct.  She would tell me if “they” showed up.  I replied that “those aren’t the ones I’m concerned with”.  She always reminds me about that.

Some local fellow used to bring fried fish and chicken for lunch for “BobLee and the precinct ladies”.  Now one of the ladies makes a pot of chili.

The precinct is an elementary school.  It rained all day yesterday.  One of my jobs is to insure that the campaign literature people stay outside the “no campaign literature people beyond here” line.  They stood in the rain all day.  I stood on the porch and watched them get soaked.

Several people asked me “Are you a sheriff’s deputy?”  Remember now I’m 6’4”, top out at around 220 wearing Ray Ban “Refectos” and I can do “somber” very well.   I said “No, I’m an Internet legend.”  I decided to get more creative after the first 3-4 folks asked.  I started saying “No, I’m an INS agent.”  

I noticed a short time after I started saying that, no more Hispanics showed up to vote.

What poll observers really watch for is “the big stuff” not just one or two supposedly dead people showing up.  We call’em “tombstone ballots” in the election business.  Dems call it “Chicago-style” voting.  In St Louis it was 10,000 or so “tombstone ballots” that helped Claire McCaskill win last night.  That sh*t wouldn’t happen in my precinct.

I’m normally lenient with the occasional “double-dipper” coming back for a second ballot.  When Bertha would try to hand someone a stack of ballots I would walk over to her table and give her the evil eye.  She would claim the dozen ballots “were stuck together”.

The fun comes late in the day when a couple of shifty-eyed types would appear and head over to the ballot box.  My line is “Hi there fellows, I’m BobLee with the GOP, whatcha got in that bag?”  They mumble and leave.

Last election a fancy schmanzy Dem she-lawyer showed up.  High-falutin’ carpetbagger sort.  Etta didn’t like no carpetbagging she-lawyer sniffing around HER precinct.  The she-lawyer got too close to the voting booths … I got Etta’s attention and pointed.  Etta shot across the room … spun that she-lawyer around and gave she a double “what-for”.  She-lawyer left.  I ate a cheeto and smiled.

I know some of you think the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are virgins and that election fraud and downright ballot box stuffing doesn’t really occur.  It’s probably best you keep thinking that way.  But, if you ever want to see for yourself … just get a pair of “Reflectos” and join BobLee in a tour of “America’s Sausage Factory” on the next election day.  I’ll ask Louise to include an extra jelly donut for you.

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A SSays Classic … What was Luke’s crime?

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    At least half of the 80,000 Notre Dame fans at the game last Saturday have read our column on Knute and Jumbo.  They are as nice over the Internet as they are in person.  Notre Dame is now my adopted “favorite team with a really kick-ass fight song”.

   Don’t be surprised if “some Notre Dame Game Day” gets implemented around Kenan next year.  Don’t be surprised at all.

  When “Butch” happens, we’ll probably have an opinion on it.

   Want to e-mail BobLee?

[email protected]

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