IF All The World’s A Stage …

January18/ 2000

… I worked with Tom about four other lives ago… Tom thought a lot…. One day Tom expounded that if indeed all the world’s a stage and men and women merely players … then in the center of the stage was a Dentist’s Chair…. We were real estate managers at the time…. Do dentists think real estate management is “as good as life can gets”?….. to Tom (like Hermy) being a dentist was life’s brass ring ….. and we got some VERY COOL sports stuff too.

Dentists, Tom reckoned, get the occupational prestige of being called “Doctor”. Granted it’s not like Marcus Welby or Ben Casey but it’s a heckuva lot more cool than some wild-eyed PhD type doctor in the Philosophy Dept at Overthrow America University & Nail Emporium.  Tom figured if he was Doctor Tom The Dentist his social life would really improve.  Plus dentists (1) don’t have that life or death stuff the MD doctors have to deal with and (2) dentists don’t have anything to do with colons.  Tom did not want anything to do with “colons”.  Colon the organ, not colon the punctuation.

I thought about suggesting to Tom that dropping twenty pounds, getting some Head & Shoulders, and, at 32, moving out of his parents house, might be an easier solution to improve his social life than dental school but I knew he wasn’t about to go either route so I let him dream.

   Tom liked his concept of a dentist’s Wonderful Life.  I have since spoken with many dentists about Tom’s concept.  While not all dentists dislike being a dentist, most, given the choice, would be Formula One drivers or forest rangers.  After one has been a dentist for about eight months, give or take a week, most of the glamour has left the whole thing.  Yes, the money can be good but a gaping maw is a gaping maw and like the proctologists and gynecologists always say …. they all pretty much look alike.

   The only fun after the first six months used to be interviewing cute nubile dental hygienists and even that lost its appeal when the Dental Soceiities instituted that wretched you gotta hire some ugly ones too rule.   I didn’t like it when the airlines did that with their stewardesses nor do I care much for cross-eyed dental hygientists with facial hair.

 NOTE:  NEVER NEVER let your hand innocently brush a dental hygienist’s thigh when she has a sharp instrument in your mouth.

I was being facetious about dentists wanting to be real estate managers.  After (1) Formula One driver and (2) forest ranger … the other three of the Top Five Alternative careers to Dentistry are (3) International secret agent … (4)  Athletics Director at a Div 1 school that is BOTH a “football school” AND a “basketball school” and has a great Gameday experience … and (5) Street mime or broken glass walking juggler at Venice Beach.  I thought most of those guys were Maori tribesmen … but over 82% are disillusioned dentists from one of the Dakotas.

What happened to Tom?  He married the only daughter of a very old, very rich man with a very bad heart and a hobby of playing with dynamite.  Last I heard he was a day trader from his condo in Sun Valley, Idaho.  I think his youngest daughter did become a dental hygienist.


   We interrupt this column to discuss a lingering issue …. A number of you (six IS a “number”, right?), six of you have written in to tell me about a recent cyber attack on my mamma’s favorite wise guy columnist.  One of the local faux insider/mini-gods on UNC’s Rivals site ripped into me, apparently using multi-syllable words and everything.  Several of you were moved to come to my defense.  Gawd luv ya … I do appreciate the gesture, but let me share a trade secret with you. ….

If keyboard cowboys like that guy did NOT exist, I would quickly invent them.  They prove my contention about their ilk.  I do not read message board posts.   I subscribe to the sour milk theory.

Your wife says honey, taste this milk and see if it’s sour.  Run the numbers … that carton of milk NEW, and fresh, costs $2.00.  It’s now ¾ empty so you’re looking at fifty cents worth of milk.  If it IS sour … yuck, ptui … you’re facing gargling $3.00 worth of full strength Listerine plus a few garlic cloves and a few handfuls of salted cashews to get that awful sour milk taste out of your mouth … for maybe fifty cents worth of milk.   Don’t even sniff it … just go with yep, it’s sour pour it down the drain and then eat the cashews anyway on a clean palate.  90% of the stuff written about me on the boards is sour milk.  I don’t even sniff it …. And after all the nice things I say about them, darn it … go figure ???

If you want reliable factual recruiting info read or listen to Dave Glenn.  Miller Safrit is also good.  If you want reliable factual info on UNC Football personnel, read Lee Pace (or Adam Lucas or Jones Angell).  If you’d rather fill your heads with cannonballs and powder your behind then read faux insider/mini-god blowhards on message boards. … and check out some kiddie porn sites while you’re at it.  Might be some of the same people???


   I was back in The Legends Lair on Sunday for the Dayton scrimmage compliments of Lawyer John and his daughter.  We were “in the ring” which are quite excellent seats.  Swampy’s seats are in the ring and he swears they’re the best of all worlds.  A ho-hummer since Don May no longer plays for the Flyers.  By far the hi-light of the afternoon was Ol Goosebump’s quick speech at halftime.  They hung May, Felton and McCants “in the rafters”.

Have I told you lately … I like The Blue Messiah.  I called him Ol’ Goosebump because when that sonofagun stands at mid-court, 21,000 loyal subjects are ready to drink kool-aid, cut off their thumbs, or throw their first borns into a fiery volcano if Roy says so.  He doesn’t use a prepared speech.  He sticks the mic next to his heart and with each beat, the faithful go more insanely delirious.  

   When Ol’ Roy said he plans to be around another 40 years, I saw 138 Lower Level Fat Cats hand John Montgomery their entire stock porfolio and deed to the beach house.

There are three lump in your throat moments in a man’s life.  (1) You are standing at the altar of the church and see your bride to be walking down the aisle on her daddy’s arm …. (2) Your first child says something that you are certain is Yo, Daddy, I love you man …. (3)  The DMV license examiner tells you at 16 that you passed.  I believe there might be a fourth.  You’re among 21,000 Tar Heels in The Legend’s Lair and Ol’ Roy is standing at mid-court saying “I’d like to say something”.  The hairs on your neck stand at attention.  The Pale Rider might GET there someday but Ol’ Roy IS THERE.

Ol’ Roy has an incredible Everyman quality to him that Yea Olde Legend never had.  He’s Regular Roy but hardly regular.


   We had a great time on the radio from 9-midnight on Saturday on WPTF.  Our primary audience was a convoy of Kenworths highballing up I-95 from Lumberton to Halifax but I gave’em the full show.  We set a rule of no more than 100 N-words … Nifong.  We hit # 87 at 11:45.  I officially declared Canes Win The Stanley Cup as The #1 local story of 2006.  Because not only was it quite cool … but everything else was simply yucky.



Speaking of filled his head with cannonballs .…, what happened when they set the powder off?


    Perky Katie followed Deborah Norville as Today Show resident perky princess.  Deborah was on about a year, never responded properly to Bryant Gumbel’s clumsy flirts, left on maternity leave and never returned.

   We sent The Platinum Pals a copy of the Brian Piccolo Story.  Most confessed to some degree of ocular precipitation.  “To An Athlete Dying Young.” 

   Mack and Colt rebound to “win 10 again” … Frank’s Hokies get bit by a BullDawg … BC kicks the Middies (how many BC staffers then went straight to The Murphy Center?).

   If you missed Boise State v Oklahoma … you missed the 2nd best exciting bowl game since Vince beat Reggie & Matt last year.  Boise State v Okla was a Good’un.

   Can we expect several coaching announcements in the area this week … probably.  If we mention Browning and Connors again maybe we can get another firey post in our honor.  … burp ….

   Go to TarHeelTimes and read the story about Anson’s next Superfrosh … Rachel Givan.  She and Tyler might hit it off … small town Southern gal.

   “879” is now “just a number, not a record”.  General Robert Montgomery Knight now at 880 and counting.  I called Mount Palomar.  They report that “the universe is still pretty much intact” … good to know! 

   In a recent campaign rally, “the tosseled haired, apple cheeked Fraud from Robbins” said he “did not think that President Bush should be hung like Saddam”.  That upset half of his disciples.  The other half of the Edwards Elves were being force fed industrial strength ritallin by the handfull.  Watch the videos of his “rallies” and note how many of his “followers’ eyes never seem to focus on anything.  Julian’s On Franklin reports sales of the Two Americas work shirts with the pre-rolled up sleeves noticeably declined after it got out about Meezy buying two of them.

   Want to e-mail BobLee?  …. [email protected]

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