From Yoda to Forty Point to The Beav

January18/ 2000

…. The latest evolution of Tar Heel Football introduces John “The Beav” Shoop.  If  physical appearance was all that counted, “The Beav” would be the first Offensive Coordinator to need a booster seat in his press box aviary.  Luckily his 12 years around the NFL count too…. ….. that and some sad news about Rachael Ray (“….. say it ain’t so you little zaftig twit!”)

BobLee joined 700+ UNCers on Thursday night in the Legend’s Lair for the final stop on the Tar Heel Tour 2007.  Despite some significant oops in event planning, I managed to eke out a darn fine evening.  I enjoyed a long chat with #23 From Garden City and a pleasant, as always, time with Prince Albert & The Henderson Hottie. …. Plus met a bevy of BobLee Buddies in the flesh for the first time.

For any of you considering using Ol’ Roy’s Practice Court for a $35/head oriental buffet gathering ….. here’s some free advice – DON”T!  When it dawned on the assembled multitude that they had paid $35 for a mini-eggroll & a brownie, it got a bit testy. ….. a good comparison is WKRP’s ill-fated holiday turkey drop.  As Gawd is their witness, did some naive intern with The Rams Club think you could satisfy 700 adults with a dozen eggrolls and nine dumplings.  3rd generation geriatric “fat cats” sharing toothpicks was a sight I never figured to see …. but I checked it off my list Thursday night.

Since neither were in attendance, most attendees simply blamed Ye Little Prince and/or Dave Huxtable but regardless, I can GUARANTEE “betterer” arrangements next year.  Allowing for an unintelligible PA system, I think Ol’ Roy actually blamed Billy Packer for the event logistics goofs.

Monty’s Gang are all “good people” and special BobLee Pals.  Don’t be cussin’em (too much!).  If that 92 y/o lady (claiming she was Choo Choo’s Jubilee date) complains about me and Lee Pace double-teamin’ her for the last pieces of kiwi fruit …. she’s lyin’.  There was one more piece behind the mini-bananas.

The highlights of the evening other than the first-rate company I enjoyed was (1) a very tasty lemon square …. and (2) the public unveiling of Coach “Beav”.  

A chemo-bald Pale Rider brought his Offensive Coordinator up on stage in a fashion mindful of trotting out your 11 year-old daughter to play Flow Gently Sweet Afton on her clarinet at the family reunion.

John “The Beav” Shoop looked about as uncomfortable at all the attention as he woulda been if former boss Al “Just Win Baby” Davis had asked him to escort his Great Granddaughter to the Oakland Debutante Ball.  The Beav is 37 years old.  The first evidence of beard stubble is due at about 41 based on his current puberty rate. ….. but then there’s those 12 years of NFL experience.

Gary “Yoda” Tranquil taught Norm Van Brocklin how to “jump pass” …. “Forty Point Frank” Cignetti was not around long enough to learn (or care) that Tar Heel is two words.  Now we have Opie’s running buddy – John “The Beav” Shoop.  My first notice of “The Beav” was a UNC FB insider describing him back in January as “looks like a walk-on punter“.

I’m 100% sure of two (actually three) things ….. (1) John Shoop will be a very fine OC and QB Coach and possesses all the necessary qualifications and experience.  …. 

   (2) The first time his offense is relegated to a “3 and out” some knucklehead in Section 228 will whine “same old Carolina football”. …. 

   Oh, and (3) “The Beav”, if shown this column, will laugh harder and more sincerely than any of you have so far.  Butch’s Posse, both individually and collectively, have quite secure self-images and nary a dollop of pretense or arrogance.  I kinda like that about’em A LOT.

Remember my note about these gosh-darn “Christian coaches” considering a Kenan communion at the Virginia game?  Well, that’s been shelved in favor of an “altar call” before the Miami game on Oct 6.  The Old Well will be modified to serve as a full dip immersion tank.  I REALLY like these guys. ….  This could result in the entire city of Carrboro having the first recorded case of municipal vapors.  I’d like that A LOT too.


    Got some most unfortunate news to report. hereby officially rescinds its standing suggestion that if you want a “Politics-Free Channel” you can find safe haven at The Food Network.  Can’t say that any more.

   None other than TFN’s most shark-jumping giggly-celeb Rachael Ray has done united with Herr Schlickmeister in one of his “fool’em once, fool’em plenty more times” scams.  This particular one uses “school children eating healthy” as the carrot to draw naïve TV twits into the scam.

It’s quite possible that the increasingly zaftig little Yum-O has no clue who Bill Clinton is (or his vaunted lusty appetite for zaftig little airheads!) but she should have advisors to update her.  Yo Yum-O …. all the Red States just switched over to watch Denise Austin doing pelvic thrusts on a Maui beach.

The “but it’s for THE CHILDREN” retort does not hold EVOO as there are plenty of non-polarizing figures that Rachael could have hooked up with.

This announcement will surely lead 51% of the American viewing public to other mind numbing depositories …. I did get wind of future Food Network “progressive” plans.

  • Paula Deen will no longer “fry chicken” as the grease violates paragraph 25, section 103 of The Kyoto Accords.
  • Bobby Flay will no longer “barbecue” any form of animal carcass as PETA commandos have taken Emeril hostage and threaten to bury him in “essence” if Bobby even says the word pork ever again.

I will be surfing for alternative safe havens.  A&E with non-stop CSI-Miami reruns is a likely contenda.  Stay tuned. …. in a related news item ….. Neilsen Ratings execs are projecting that, based on current trends, on June 16, 2007 absolutely ZERO American TV sets will be tuned to CBS News (!!!) to watch Perky Katie Couric try to pronounce shiite without giggling.  This despite Katie now having been reduced to going commando and sticking a celery stalk in her ear.


What quaint Southern city claims Paula Deen as a resident?


   Benjamin Martin hid his family at what is now Hilton Head SC (actually Beaufort …. that’s BEW-furt …. not BO-furt!).

   In a post-script to our story on USoCar AD Eric Hyman being targeted for Internet Slander Assassination by Gamecock howler monkeys …. I reminded Eric this week that just 2.5 years ago, THE most villified and hung in effigy AD in college athletics was JEREMY FOLEY.  

   Anyone wanna guess where Jeremy is AD?  ….. come on, guess. …… and let it be noted that not one of the “HANG THAT IDIOT FOLEY” shineolas has ever apologized …. nor ever will.

   In last night’s Democ Debate, AppleCheeks was asked “who is your moral compass”?  After 17 seconds of agonizing silence, the best he could come up with was “Hopalong Cassidy”.!!! …. even Elizabeth gagged on that one. 

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