Food Porn & Woo Woo News

BobLee
January18/ 2000

… This will be a smorgasbord of gluttonous excess for all your senses … With the Holidays now upon us with its traditional over-indulgences, BobLee is going to introduce you to a most wicked wicked world…. Two guys named The Allen Brothers.  You’ll thank me, at first … until its too late. ………….. and we have Woo Woo News… You remember Woo Woo … really peculiar stuff about “those people” who aren’t as normal and cool as we are and get into the most hellacious messes …. “talking moo cows” …  “skanky beauty queens” … “and honor student, single mother of “who knows how many”. 

 Allen Brothers Meat Company in Omaha, Nebraska.  Old family-owned business that ships meat to people.  Fairly successful company apparently.  Successful enough to pay exorbitant rates to advertise on a friend of mine’s radio show.  Gotta sell A LOTTA lambchops to do that.

   I had never heard of them but then again I’ve never been too interested in meat.  Meat, vegetables, desserts, most any all of that eating related stuff I have always taken for granted. I’ve always been “a big-boned” fella so while I don’t think about food, I do tend to clean my plate and ask for seconds (just to be polite to the cook).

The best way to describe my eating habits is how I did so to the Mizzus back in our pre-Mizzus period.  She was trying to figure what sort of life situation she was getting herself into relative to degree of domestication I would require.

A crock pot … a big cereal bowl … a large spoon.  There you go.  The essentials for yours truly to survive.  Brunswick Stew is my idea of the perfect meal.  Throw whatever you got into the crock pot … let it all cook up together … ladle it out into the big cereal bowl … hand me that large spoon … and don’t worry about BobLee … he’s just fine.

I’m not sure my mother-in-law has ever believed that I was that easy to satisfy, but it’s true.

But that might all be changing.  I sorta feel like the country boy who steps off the bus at the Port Authority at NYC and gets a crick in his neck from looking up … or maybe I’m Joe Buck come to town for “carnal pleasure”.  Because I have been introduced to The Allen Brothers … who mail meat to people.

I’m not a neophyte to glossy enticing magazines.  I understand about “air-brushing” and how lighting and camera angles work.  When I used to read Playboy for the articles on humidors, stereos, and Ferraris, I would occasionally notice some pictures of ladies the likes of which were unknown to the likes of me and where I had come from.  I was introduced to the phrase “… like a dog chasing a car”.  

Now, ol’ Brunswick Stew Swagger is chasing porterhouses and ribeyes and lamb shanks and veal chops and all sorts of airbrushed “meat” and I’m not sure that bowl and big spoon will do it for me any long ….

My name is BobLee Swagger … 

I’m addicted to Food Porn.  

… Hello BobLee.

   The downspiral from “a bowl of stew” to a picture of chateaubriand didn’t happen overnight, no addiction does.  It snuck up on me.  My gateway addiction was an Orvis catalogue, then Cabelas.  I found myself lingering a little longer over safari jackets and chinos and before I knew it I knew all the RealTree camo patterns.  Outdoor Sportsman catalogues insidiously prepared me for Allen Brothers’ meat catalogue.

That friend of ours sent us some Allen Bros steaks.  That got our name and address in their system.  The first catalogue was in the box with the steaks.  Was it curiosity or that illegal subliminal advertising that lured me in.  I forgot what was on that first cover.  I started thumbing my way thru.  I thumb a magazine back to front which I am afraid to ask a psychiatrist what that says about me.  A lot of things I do fit that category I fear.

I lost track of time standing in the breakfast room thumbing backwards thru a meat magazine.  I recall Kid asking what I was reading.  I lied, I didn’t have to, but I blurted out Sports Illustrated.  From the get-go I somehow knew I should be ashamed … OK, I wasn’t fixating on 18 y/o BlueChippers w/ 4th grade reading comprehension.  I wasn’t staying up til all hours writing “MooU fans are %$&*” or “Tarholes $%#@&*” but who am I to judge … I began hiding the Allen Bros catalogues “in a secret place”.  I closed my den door and would go thru “my collection” looking for that issue with the Goulash.

Understand, I’m not addicted to “eating meat”.  I’m addicted to “looking at pictures of meat”.  It’s called Opticalcarnivoraphobia.  We’re not big enough for our own Hollywood celebrity spokeweirdo.  I’m kinda it for now. …. I wrote to Emily Proctor but haven’t heard back.

Now that I’m talking about it, I feel better.  I feel so good in fact I’m going to share my pleasure with you.  I want you to understand and maybe embrace my passion too.  Maybe we can e-mail back and forth about filets stuffed with crabmeat.  Maybe we can have a support group and get together “at a Holiday Inn on the bypass” and share our magazine collections.  Maybe, I know this is silly, but maybe we could get a for real Allen Brother to come to our meeting and tell us about his favorite meat pictures.  …… why do I read this sounding like Ed Grimley meeting Pat Sajak?

I have to go now.  Never mind where or why.  Here are some of my favorite pictures of Allen Brothers meat.  I hope you will like them as much as I do …

    We’ve covered some of the following in Platinum Pals but I promised not to cheat the SSays fan base simply to make “the Pals” feel special … although they are.

_________

“The Donald” has another skank for his Miss USA.

http://www.wral.com/entertainment/story/1107139/ 

As sweet little Tara’s latent skankiness was manifested, pageant officials reflected on her answer to the age-old pageant question … What is your primary goal in life?  … Everyone knows it’s always World Peace and to open my own baton twirling studio in the inner city to teach poor kids the joy of twirling.” … Tara’s answer was “to “do the entire NBA” and someday cop a backstage pass to a Motley Crue concert.”

_______________

Controversy has hit one of America’s most revered families – The Grahams.  Partisan factions are bickering over where Billy and Ruth Graham should be buried.  If you’re thinking “have they died?” … No, but family friend and celebrity mystery author and lesbian activist Patricia Cornwell is at odds with son Franklin and others.  The choices – Billy’s beloved Western North Carolina mountains … or … in some Graceland-esque sarcophagus at the Billy Graham Museum, Theme Park, IMAX Theater and Smoothie bar in Charlotte … where Franklin will have “a talking moo cow” narrating Bible stories to (and scaring the bejeebers out of) small children.

   George Bev Shea, Prince Albert, and BobLee are voting for “in a small grove of rhododendrons at The Cove”.

______________

http://www.wral.com/news/local/story/1107841/

You’ve surely heard that Ho #1 aka “Precious” did, nope – did not, but will … be having a baby soon but not last Thursday.  Sometime in February, Derm’s most famous unnamed Ho will become a former honor student and pole-dancing single mother of at least three”.

   In keeping with their policy … The N&O will not give out “Precious” name, but will gladly tell you the names of the three innocent “rich white boy” victims of this hideous miscarriage of justice, as if you would ever forget them.

   This little surprise was conceived at least 60 days after no one touched her at 610 N. Buchanan Blvd well after she falsely identified whoever Mikey Nifong told her to falsely identify.

   Preliminary paternity tests are bring given to every male in Krzyzewski-ville with at least $5 in his pocket” … “a guy named Bruce in Rm 214 at The Red Roof” … “three Mexicans in a pick-up truck on Roxboro Rd” … “that lonely boy with a kind face in the right field bleachers at the Bulls v Mudhens game” … and Geraldo Rivera’s aide-de-camp – Frankie. …. Crazy Cousin Jakki thinks it was “one of dem rich Duke doctors”.  She’s not sure which one but one of “da really rich ones with a convertible sports car”.

   A new DNA report revealed 5 different male DNA traces in Precious’ nether regions.   None of which matched any Duke lacrosse players or Precious’ long ago disappeared boy friend.  What do I think about that?  I confess I don’t know much about the activities of Derm hos … maybe “just 5” is a slow night.  

    If Tara loses her Miss USA title over skankiness, maybe she can cover for Precious while she’s regaining her girlish figure after delivery.

 >>><<<

 What Western NC town is synonymous with Billy Graham?   BONUS:  Who is Patricia Cornwell’s fictional heroine? 

 >>><<<

    Congrats to The Mountaineers of AppState and Coach Jerry Moore.  Its been a pretty good year for Black & Gold teams west of Kernersville.

   If “BobLee’s Platinum Pals” had all met in Jaxville for the ACCCG, there’d abeen one less empty section.  Wanna be one?  E-mail TheGuys and say “Let me in”. …….. If you have tried to join Platinum Pals and have NOT received at least one PPal e-mail, let us know.  Our server might have eaten your name. 

   Want to e-mail BobLee … [email protected]

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