Find A Religious Kid!

January18/ 2000

… Bye Weeks are scary times for an Internet Legend … Too much time to think is really dangerous for BobLee … oh well … Wuffs are basking in the after-glow of Daniel To Dunlap – Miracle ’06 and Tar Heels are writing letters to Trustees and spitting up blood and bile … We managed to eavesdrop on a recent telephone conversation between two beleaguered area football coaches ….

 One ringy dingy, two ringy dingies … 

    Hello, this is “the Man” … who’s calling?

Chuck, it’s me Big John.

John? … are you calling from a secure line?

“Secure?” … that’s not a word either one of us should be using these days. 

Speak for yourself Pisano.  I’m back on board the Wuffie Love Train.

Yeah right.  That’s what I’m calling about.  What the heck did you do to yank those manboobs out of the fire?

It was brilliant.  I used a trick that Bowden taught me.  I played the “God card”.

   “The God card” … whatchutalking about Amato?

You know … whenever Bobby’s Noles get ambushed he starts talking all that mush about going to church and stuff.  Goofball fans eat that mess up.  I found this religious kid and stuck him in at QB knowing the lynch mob would back off.  It worked better than I ever figured.  The kid throws a Hail Mary and VOILA I’ve got my own table again at Amedeo’s. … heck, I’m gonna rename myself “Lazarus” … a religious guy just raised me from the dead!

Religious kid huh?  Maybe I oughta try that.  I was planning on having my wife drive an armored personnel carrier leading our next Old Well Walk but maybe that “religious” schtick could work.  Thanks for the suggestion and by the way … did TA ever get a job?

Sure, you’re welcome.  TA?  Yeah he got a job juggling nitroglycerine.  With his hands he’ll blow himself to bits by Halloween.  Good riddance. Ciao John.


 Scene shifts to Kenan Football Center – Coaches Meeting Room “The best coaching staff in Div 1-A” is looking grim.  John Bunting walks in …

 “Cheer up guys … our problems are solved.  I just talked with Amato …”

    “Did he agree to be roadkill again this year?  That’s saved our bacon for two years now.”

    “No … we didn’t discuss that YET.  But he did tell me how he is avoiding his lynch mob.  He found a “religious kid”.  We need to find us a “religious kid” and use him as a human shield at the South Florida game.  Surely we have a few God-squaders around.”

    “Not really Coach.  There were a bunch left over from Torbush but after Tenuta, Fleming and a few of your spirited “pep talks” they all bailed out.”

“Aw  %$^#&%$, well we gotta find us one.   I’ll get Little Dickie to give a one year contract extension to whichever one of you overpaid sumbitches finds me “a religious kid” to put in against South Florida.” 

The words “contract extension” got Jeff Connors’ attention.  He rubbed his head and patted his stomach and remembered something he had read in a Daily Tar Heel when he was getting his haircut.  He couldn’t remember the details but it was about some “religious kid” on campus a few months back.  He would go get him.

(NOTE: If you have figured out where this is headed, please don’t spoil it for everyone else.  

Next week’s coaches meeting – Kenan Football Center 

OK … who found me a “religious kid”? 

Jeff found one Coach.  He has him out in the hall.

    In the hall … hell, bring him in.  Lets get a look at the kid that’s gonna make our Christmas a Merry one.

    I wouldn’t mention Christmas around this particular “religious kid” Coach.  

    Whatever! … bring that little Bible-toter in here.

    Uh coach … I wouldn’t mention Bible around him either.

The door opens and Jeff Connors walks in pushing a two-wheeled dolly carrying a young man in a Hannibal Lechter mask and wearing an orange jumpsuit.

 “ORANGE! … not Orange.  If our defense sees anyone wearing orange they’ll start waving their arms and crying again.  Why is this guy wearing orange?  … and leg irons … what the hell is going on Connors?

I found our guy Coach.  Not only is this kid VERY “religious” he’s also got LOTS of pent-up rage about EVERYBODY.  A buddy of mine is weight training coach at Central Prison over in Raleigh and he helped me sneak this nutjob out of their psycho ward.  Apparently Clueless Moe says this poor misunderstood young man will be a student in good standing for as long as he is Chancellor and doesn’t run out of votive candles.  … and it gets even better … don’t worry about having your wife lead the Old Well Walk in an armored personnel carrier.  This “religious kid” has his own SUV and he says he would just love to drive it through a crowded Tar Heel Town filled with infidels.

    Infidels … whats that all about?  Who cares.  He’ll do fine.  Marv, lets put him in at a linebacker spot.  We’ll have Kirschner come up with a catchy name for him … I know, lets call him “The Holy Terrorist”.

NO NO NO … Coach we can’t do that.  We can call him anything else we want to but WE CAN’T CALL HIM A TERRORIST!

    OK, let’s call him an “exotic dancer” 

or “honor student and single mother of two”.

    And that boys and girls is Uncle Swagger’s story about 

how Chuck & John Escaped “The Hot Seats”.   


    This may be an Open Date for UNC and NCSU teams but not for the CaroLoonies.  Those madcap scamps are in high hoot & holler.  They’ve been talking about John Bunting “bleeding blue” for six years. Now they want to see his “blue blood” flowing down Franklin Street.  Slicing his throat and gutting him are popular suggestions.

It’s LETTER WRITIN’ TIME in CaroLoonie Land.  Forget the e-mails to Dickie and Moe. That was last week.  Now they’ve moved on to old-fashioned “letters” to the UNC Trustees.  This will no doubt be followed by not-so-silent vigils in front of Mo Koury’s house in Burlington and/or on the first tee at Johnny Harris’ Quail Hollow Country Club.  The CaroLoonies are SERIOUS now. …. YEEEEEE HA!

We managed to get ahold of one of these impassioned epistles …

Dear Mister or Missus or Miss Trustee:

   My name is SuperRamHeel0056B.  My friends on the board call me …., well actually I don’t have any friends.  I live in a refrigerator box behind Spanky’s and use the computer at the liberry.

   I am the biggest Tar Heel fan there ever has been.  I bleed blue.  I know because I try to sell it every week down to the blood bank to get $$$ to go to Johnny T-Shirt’s and buy a cool tar heel decal to stick on my cardboard house.  But I digress.

   You Trustee people need to fire John Bunting right this minute because he is not a very good coach but I hear he likes Pink Floyd which is OK because I had a cousin named Floyd once but he got shot when he and his no-count girl friend Mavis tried to hold up a BP station in Siler City back in 19 and 93.  But I digress.

   We all know that UNC is a “sleeping giant”.  I once found a great big drunk gay guy sleeping in my box.  Was he a “giant”?  I slept in Amber Alley until the drunk gay “sleeping giant” left my box.  But I digress.

   You gotta fire John Bunting RIGHT NOW and then hire some big famous coach.  That’s what all the fellas “on the board” are saying.  They all have funny names too but I don’t know where they sleep.  But I digress. 

   Even though John Bunting loses too many games, I will always wear my Carolina blue cap and my Carolina t-shirt because … well because that’s all I own.  I found a Dook t-shirt once when I was washing dishes at the Denny’s on 15-501 but it was yucky and had cooties.  My Carolina shirt has cooties too … maybe it’s me.  What do you think Mr, Missus, Miss Trustee?

   Thank you in advance for firing John Bunting.  If it’s not too much trouble please fire Mr Baddour and that Moeser guy too.  And fire all those no-account Trustees too.  They are all a bunch of “fat cats” who don’t really care about football. …… oops, I shouldn’t a probably said that last part in this letter.  Forget that part about firing yourselves.  I didn’t mean it.  I’m just a CaroLoonie living in a cardboard box behind Spanky’s … but I am “a real Tar Heel fan”.

Sincerely Yours

SuperRamHeel10056B @ Spanky’s Dumpster  27514

 PS: Can you send me a purty picture of “Rita From Chester” and a John Edwards bumpersticker for my box?


   As alluded to above, a major component of the Daniel Evans story is his strong Christian faith.  Imagine “If Daniel Was A Tar Heel”?  The screeching and howling from Chapel Hill’s notorious anti-Christian crowd would be deafening.  Would South Bldg flunky, Jonathan Curtis, search Daniel’s locker for Bibles and WWJD bracelets? … probably.

  Following his recent Death Valley tunnel tirade … UNC’s much cussed AD has called “do overs” to his much-quoted knee-jerk response, modifying it to “ABSOLUTELY maybe NOT”!  If you don’t think the next two months are going to be fun, you just aren’t paying attention.

   Am I the only one who listened to Hugo Chavez screeching at the UN and thought of a nutty yahoo on “a board”. His user name would be BigCITGO.

   Woo Woo Headlines Of The Week: (from WRAL Website)

   * Scientists Gather At Duke To Discuss “Next Great Idea”

   * Car Dealer Slashes Customer With Machete   

   I warned you that Open Dates breed scary columns.    Til next week!

    Wanna e-mail BobLee?

[email protected]

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