Dr BL Van Helsing

BobLee
January18/ 2000

… I took the occasion over Christmas to meet with and chat with “people with educated opinions” about several of the issues dominating the media and the public discourse….. I met with two major colleges Director of Athletics and e-chatted with a third….. I was at a social event with “a buncha” lawyers and heard much Nifongian opines…. A SSays reader gives a new name and a conundrum to BobLee…. And “Beauty Queens Gone Wild” hits at the core of America’s Socio-cultural morass.

I am not as much of an Ann Coulter fan as some of you might imagine … what with “all of us right-wingers” being oh-so predictable in our tastes … but I did enjoy her take on Trump v Rosie.  Quote Ann: “I don’t like Donald Trump but I don’t like Rosie O’Donnell even more than I don’t like Donald, so I’m pulling for Donald.” … Actually I’ve always enjoyed The Donald.  I met him very very briefly 8-10 years ago and was summarily unimpressed with him in person.  People like Donald are best viewed in the media celebrity bubble.

I also have always liked Joe Namath and Muhammed Ali so “boastful sorts” don’t bother me as long as “if you can do it, it ain’t bragging.”

The “Tempest in a D cup” Redux with Miss USA and then Miss Nevada are classic Trumpian “cause de press conference”.  The whole gendre of beauty pageants ranks on a scale of extreme irrelevance right along with the width of the stripes on UNC football pants.  I’m pretty sure when “the Islamo-fascists” take over America, beauty pageants are on their short lists of “first 24-hour changes” … kinda like “40 Point Frank’s” UNC tenure in The Butch Era.

If you did not google Miss Nevada, what you missed from her skanky past was a series of photos ala “Girls Gone Wild”.  Prior to her coronation, she attended at least one “typical college party w/ alcohol” and ended up doing stuff with her tongue and her thong that all those “Girls Gone Wild” always do in those post-midnight infomercials.  Someone had a camera and access to the Internet and Voila.  This was admittedly BEFORE she was Miss Nevada. ….  Someone’s daughter permanently “skankified”.

Alas, if pageant applications “no-nos” are going to involve such “have you evers …” as this, I fear the hottie factor of beauty queens is going to suffer BIG TIME.  We’re going to be limited to Olive Oyl and Elsie The Cow and Bert Parks will be spinning in his grave.

Once crowned, beauty queens should be subject to whatever “code of conduct” a pageant wishes to impose during their reign.  But concerns over pre-pageant hijinxs have to be reasonable especially in “the Internet Age”.  The most famous of such, of course, was the former Mrs Rick Fox and her (Vanesa Williams) soft-core porn photos pre-Miss America.  If even Vanna White has “pictures out there” then no girl is safe.

Of course, the rule that EVERY Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader be a clinically certified virgin is a good one … and inviolate-able.

As for Rosie O’Donnell … at her “best”, Rosie O’Donnell is nothing more than Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem in San Diego.  Get the hook … her visa to linger in the celebrity spotlight has long expired.  Rosie is a fat Paris Hilton without Paris’ charm and likability.

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    As noted above, I met /chatted with some ADs over the past few days.  I asked them individually about various incidents and issues involving certain area notable ADs.  Under promise of anonymity of course.

   All three ADs contacted say both UNC and NCSU hit home runs with their FB hires.  No debate on either The Pale Rider or Semper Fi.  Now in the lead-up to those hires, each AD questioned offered a couple of “do-overs” for their oft-maligned fellow ADs.

   For Prince Tassel Loafer, his “uh oh” moment was post-game in Death Valley.  Dickie’s unfortunate “ABSOLUTELY NOT” shout back at a drive-by Shineola inquiry was regrettable.  The best way to avoid such “heat of the moment” faux pas is to “disappear” in such times.  A loonie spots Dickie … hurls a stoopid comment at him … Dickie instinctively replies … the loonie grabs his PDA and posts Dickie’s rash reply all within 5 minutes.  Before PTL left the tunnel at Death Valley, his “ABSOLUTELY NOT” was “on the boards” and driving the Shineolas to new levels of maniacal hysteria.

Dickie scored high marks for pulling off the dangerous “early notice of intent” to Burly John … but was panned for the Dickie & Just-fired John MEET THE PRESS … that tawdry event was simply too painful for everyone except Dickie apparently.  Been better to simply tie John down in the middle of Franklin Street, cover him in Bush-Cheney bumperstickers and let the local vultures have at him.

Somewhat the same … Lee Fowler’s disparaging public opinion of “Internet fans” did him no good during Chuck’s “final days”.  The existence of this parallel universe of cyber-fans is a reality that sports administrators simply refuse to accept.  “Accept” or not … they are “out there” and they are not going away.   Reflect on “the good old days” but acknowledge this is not the information age that existed even 8-10 years ago.

I also discussed “Gamedays” with my ADs.  Again, a consensus of opinion.  The increased “lack of civility” in our society and the growth of the litigators (see the back of your phone book) mean changes for institutions involved in catering to “the masses” where alcohol and ribald behavior is rampant. The Gameday that Carolina Shineolas dream of, and “demand”, simply ain’t never gonna happen ….. but some exciting changes are coming.

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   Somewhere on Earth, there is no doubt one person who thinks Mike Nifong has a snowball chance in Hell of getting thru this horrid mess that he has created.  But I’ve yet to meet or hear from that one person.  I was with “a messa lawyers” and they agreed 100% that Nifong has deserted any connection to “the law” and legal procedure and is simply “making it up as he goes along” now.

I don’t count card carrying nutjobs like Derm resident racial-harpy Victoria Peterson now gobbling up every second of media attention she can before she fades into the swamp of deranged characters that this mess flatulated upon us.  Victoria and Crazy Cousin Jakki’s celebrity candles are low and flickering and doomed.  Like “the Duke faculty squirrels” have all done,  these comical one-trick ponies will soon all crawl back in their hiddey holes to await the next socio-cultural calamity to occur.

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   A long time, well-respected SSays reader gave me two primos items over the weekend.  He has declared that BobLee is “the Dr Van Helsing” of the Internet … A lone force for Good in a World of Evil.  Like the legendary vampire-hunter, BobLee wages his war against the evil Shineolas and the danger they pose to innocent sports fans in civilization as we know it.

While the Shineolas fear their intrepid foe, they know they far outnumber him and will ultimately prevail.  In the meantime, however, many of their ilk will be exposed to his laser beacon of truth and good sense.  Each day he drives his stakes of reality into their bile-soaked viscera … and a handful of innocent villagers are freed to enjoy sports without the necessity of hate and lunacy that the Shineolas demand.   Like Blue Diamond Almonds … if BobLee can just free a few good fans each week … that’s all he asks.  Run you cowardly Shineolas … flee before the wrath of the Internet Avenger.  …..   I think I need a cape and a crossbow … and maybe “a sidekick” and a noble steed.

This reader also posed a baffler to me … a “genie of the lamp with just one wish” question.  If I (BobLee) had the choice of “doing away with” either of two categories of humanity which would I “get rid of” …  “The Shineolas” … or … “The Carrboro People”?.

I gave it some thought and decided NEITHER.  If “the best society” is like “the best Brunswick Stew” then it needs a mixture of spices and herbs and secret ingredients all mixed in and playing off of each other.  A Ying without a Yang is just a Ying.

I don’t begrudge “Shineolas” or “Carrboro People” their existence or their inherent right to be terminally constipated and quite angry.  My task is simply to expose “them” to you and let you decide which type of sports fan or citizen you prefer to be.

In a related note … “Lawyers” have long been the primary category of SSays readers, by far.  But a new reader group is gaining momentum … those beady-eyed rascals in “the counting houses” … Bankers … especially that breed of “banker” that thrives in The Great State of Mecklenburg.  Maybe I should get me a soapbox and a megaphone and hold court at Trade & Tryon and catch both groups.

Adored by lawyers and bankers …. ???? …. Ya know if I did take that open offer to play ricky tick piano in a whorehouse, I would STILL keep my lawyer and banker fans PLUS attract more engineers and car salesmen.

Someday we gotta have us a SwaggerWorld Woodstock … that mélange of corporate America yearning to shake their shackles, grow beards and wear “loafers with no socks” would be awesome to behold.

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What is the connection between Jimmy Stewart and Shelley Fabares?

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   I have seen soooo many CSI Miami episodes in the past few weeks, I can identify which episode within 10 seconds … but I watch anyway.  I’m working on that “sunglass technique” that Horatio uses.  You either put the aviators on or off and mutter a killer phrase like “CSI never sleeps” or “you WILL slip up, I’ll be watching” … then fade to black … Horatio Caine has to be related to Steve McGarrett of Hawaii 50.   

   A friend of BLS’ has seen the first eight hours of “24” … swears its BEST EVER!  Only three more weeks …

   So many of you wrote in congratulating Kid on her 4.0.  She asked “will they expect it every semester?”  I told her to ask Ol’ Roy about “fan expectations”.

   Either Jeff Connors and/or Ken Browning’s fate will be revealed this week … and the WORLD as we know it will be forever changed. …. not as significant as “width of pants’ stripes” but many breaths being held. …. Trust The Pale Rider!.

   The kid from Athens Alabama, #17, did he “get it done” in crunch time in Seattle OR WHAT?  I’m pretty sure he’s passed Scott Stankavage’s NFL stats by now …

   Those dozen ECU fans that were arrested in Birmingham for disorderly conduct were THE EXACT SAME ECU FANS that stormed Carter Stadium 20+ years ago and injured the Raleigh policeman.  SAME ONES … they never grew up … never sobered up … still bat sh*t crazy and just 20 years old … bet you thought those original hooligans were now 45 y/o and all mayors of downeast towns … nope … they never grew up.  Dr Leo Jenkins created those sorry rascals in a abandoned Hardees on Evans Street. 

   We added another 100+ Platinum Pals just since last Friday.  Damnedest thing I’ve ever seen.  GET A LIFE YOU PEOPLE! … just kidding … 🙂

   BobLee’s Christmas cache included TWO Clive Cusslers, ONE Vince Flynn and a Bill Bryson … plus the usual boxer briefs and Waffle House gift certificates.  Life Is Good!

   Want to e-mail BobLee? … [email protected]

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