Behold The Petulant Clowns

January18/ 2000

… Even our casual readers know that BobLee has two favorite foils he loves to plink, poke and expose to the glaring light of reality – shineolas and faculty squirrels … Of these two, the faculty squirrels are the pesky varmints most likely to cause any ripples in the real world…. And then, only when they deign to leave their cozy campus hidey holes… Deign to leave they have done over at Duke…  As“Crash” self-destructs, lets round-up the petulant clowns

A quick word about Ol’ Roy and his recent ill-fated sojourn to Hokie-Town.  Last time I was up there, it was a similar outcome.  It was 1966 and me and Suitcase Larry The Weeper and Rusty and Grubar and Bunting (Bill not Burly) and Valdese Joe and our undefeated Super Frosh got ambushed in dem thar same hills.  I recall the Hokie guard Chris Ellis and a very steep angle on the arena seating and that we got waxed.  Our only L of the year which was one more than Lew and Lucius would have out West.

I thought we had a deal with Little Johnny to play 41 minutes if necessary.  That would have done the trick last Saturday.  What’s the point in having our own commissioner if we can’t take advantage of it?  Alas, the jinx continues … UNC has NEVER won a basketball game within 24 hours of a Nifong recusal.  What was Larry Gallo thinking about when he scheduled that one?  It’s too late to fire Ol’ Roy this year, but he better shape up or I’m calling Pat Sullivan or Quattlebaum.


UPDATE:  Effective Wednesday AM … Duke’s Gang of 88 has issued it’s eagerly expected Winter Letter as follow-up to their original Spring Letter last April.  This 2nd letter is their Definition of “is” ploy used so effectively by you-know-who.  A 3rd letter would not be surprising.  In Letter #2 they add a new enemy – the eeeevilll right wing blog hooligans. …. Stay Tuned … This 2nd stunt is now officially named THE CLOWNS GET A BACKHOE .

 .. as in “when you REALLY want to dig a deep hole for yourself don’t waste time with a shovel – GET A BACKHOE”!


    It was actually Chub Sewell that said it but Ol’ Jess always gets the credit.  It was the late 60s and North Carolina figured it needed a State Zoo.  Like last summer, it figured it needed a Tall Ships Boondoggle (ouch!).  Chub said A Zoo? … Heck, just put a fence around Chapel Hill.  Chub (ne Jesse) was a visionary.  He saw the pure entertainment value of watching the tenured petulant clowns parade around in their pompous fashion.  And that was way back in the 60s.  Imagine an additional 40 years without a bowel movement and we got a nasty bunch of mad little munchkins on the area campi.  And none more constipated than Duke’s and their now infamous Gang of 88 .

    The mother of my child swears that college teaching is THE best gig among all of society’s vocational options.  She did it herownself back in the late 70s at the Mizzou J-School.  Sure, you are surrounded by enough self-important fops and fools to populate a State Legislature with enough left over to provide kindling for a few bloated corporate bureaucracies, but the pay, especially these days, is approaching Major League Baseball if calculated on a per hour basis.

If one is among the ever-dwindling cadre of college teachers who are into that whole altruistic  really teach and inspire and motivate and light the lamp of learning crap God Luv Ya … cause your fellow college teachers sure ain’t gonna luv ya.   College instructors who give a rip about teaching are about as popular with their fellow faculty-ites as state government workers who stick around until 5:15.

Actually the real teachers are VERY popular among students.  OK, among some students … the ones who came to college to learn stuff.  The ones who came to college to get drunk, get high, get laid and get on a message board don’t like real teachers either.  (NOTE:  yes, we know that students who live on message boards are NOT the ones getting laid … why do you think they are so mad all the time?).

To those modern day Mr Chips who prepare for class, who take their calling seriously, and who push their students out of the darkness of ignorance into the light of learning; to you we say Huzza … Huzza!   To the rest … those constipated petulant clowns with their colons packed with ideological sacrete … we say A Pox on You and All you Represent.  May anger, frustration, acid reflux, toe fungus, root canals, herpes, broken shoe laces, and halitosis follow you all the days of your life and may you find eternal tenure in the utter depths of Hell For Uber-Liberals. (Defined as Rush 24/7 at max decibels!)

Who among you remember Lion Country Safari?  This was a commercial zoo concept back in the 70s.  The idea was the wild animals are free to roam about (sorta) while the people stayed in cages (their cars).  Lion Country Safaris were drive-thru zoos.  Actually Jurassic Park is an even better example.  Keep the raptors inside the fence and everything is fine.  Which is pretty much the same as a college town.

Load up the wife and kids and let’s go to Chapel Hill.  It could be any college town if the town is synonymous with the academic institution.  Where do you go to school?  I go to Chapel Hill … I go to Lawrence … I go to Blacksburg … I go to Ithaca … I go to Stillwater.  If you go to NC State or GaTech or UCLA you don’t say Raleigh, Atlanta or Los Angeles.  And if you go to Duke, you definitely don’t say Derm.  Hell, if you live in Derm and have nothing to do with Duke, you still don’t tell people you live in Derm.

As regular SSaysers know, I’m not exactly giddy enamored with Chapel Hill which is just fine with Chapel Hill /Carrboro’s primary inhabitants.  I visit for ball games and the occasional consulting assignment when the BLO is needed … that’s BobLee’s Opinion.

When one thinks Chapel Hill one thinks nubile coeds, sticky-floored beer bars, t-shirt shops, no parking, preening frat boys, wafting echoes of sports memories, and scruffy bohemian anarchists out the wazoo.  Other than pretty girls and exciting games, alls you got is yuck and double yuck.  EXCEPT for my pal Jon Childres’ BBQ Joint of course … on Weaver Dairy Rod … tell Bear BobLee says hi.

If Disney did Chapel Hill they would have costumed characters caught in a 70s time warp protesting who cares what outside any building that represents order, responsibility and the expectation of personal accountability…. and that advocates individual personal hygiene.  Choreograph the shows with sing song chants and the usual signs containing obscure literary references and as many four-letter words as they can fit on the piece of poster board.  Chapel Hill is Hyde Park without the fish and chips.  Goggle-eyed street corner anarchists belching up hate and indignant rage.  But for Chapel Hill that’s OK because the whole town is zoned BC – Bloviating Clowns.  This isn’t politics folks … this is just bloviating loonies.  So long as the clowns stay in Chapel Hill who really cares much about’em other than the comic relief they provide … BUT when they breech the wall.  That’s when the rules change.  Scene shifts 8 miles NE to West Derm.

The Gang of 88 over at Duke broke the cardinal rule of petulant faculty clowns … they crossed the campus property line and stuck their upturned noses into the real world.  Bad petulant clowns … naughty naughty naughty.  Recall the scene in Field of Dreams when Archie Graham crossed over to become Doc Graham and save Ray’s daughter from choking?  Sure, you do.  It was noble and wonderful when Moonlight did it … it was mean, hateful, and quite unacceptable when Duke’s Gang of 88 got frisky and crossed the line last April.

Despite all their silly self-awarded fru fru intellectual accoutrement, these galoots ain’t all that bright, possessing the foresight of a new-born gosling (that’s a baby goose).  Their MENSA keys open intellectual vaults as empty as Al Capone’s.

They figured they could write.their little letter/ad sprinkle in a few academic silly words and be seen as quite the little band of social activists.  Alas, thanks to Crash The Dough Boy DA, this little off-campus escapade had already moved well beyond the latest school newspaper tempest in a styrofoam cup and was like a REAL mess not the standard 3rd World who cares crap the petulant clowns usually amuse themselves with.  Think monkeys in a zoo picking off their body lice and examining it for three hours before eating it.

Faculty squirrels do love to give themselves high falutin’ symbols of their own self importance.  “Chairs and Esteemed Titles” … The best analogy are banana republic dictators with their chest full of plastic medals.  When the dictator is pontificating from his balcony and his thug army is holding his audience hostage, he can say/do whatever he pleases.  His captured audience is thinking whatever just don’t shoot us please … think students required to listen to Professor Angry Anarchistette flatulate her idiocy.  The students think just regurgitate it back to her on the final, get a grade, and say adios to this nattering nutjob.

But when the clowns crossed the line it was open season on the nattering nutjobs with their silly degrees and pompous profundity.  Yikes cried the clowns … this is no fun at all.  The real untenured world (whose chairs are for sitting not for self-importance) did not take kindly at all to the petulant clowns interfering in a reality-based environment.  Crawl back in your campus hidey holes you wacky loons or we’ll give you a wedgie and a noogie and force you to get your hands dirty.

And the simple truth is if 50% of these vacuous loons had gotten prom dates or been able to undress in PE without hiding in the toilet stall, the world would have far more corporate Dilberts and far fewer petulant faculty clowns.  At least most Dilberts bathe fairly regularly.

To be fair to the Gang of 88, they only meant to intimidate President Richard The Invertebrate Brodhead.  This foppish Ivy League Ichabod was already treading water and sinking fast under the frantic antics of Crash The Dough Boy DA.  Dr Cathy and her cohorts decide to toss the Prez an anvil and see how quickly he would drown … about 24 hours was all it took.

Unaccustomed to any tougher decision than which cutlery to use for a cobb salad or how to assign every Duke BOT member his/her own Presidential Suite at the Washington Duke, Prez Brodhead hugged the anvil and sank his career faster than the Bismarck sent The HMS Hood to the icy depths of the North Atlantic … glub, glub, glub.

Normally that would have less real world impact than a Josh McRoberts’ sniffle, but both the Gang of 88 and the Invertebrate President failed to realize that America had taken a fancy to the plight of the rich white boys and the antics of the lying ho.  Not to mention Crash The Dough Boy DA making up his own rules faster than Fidel did when Batista adiosed Cuba.

Take out any one element of the whole Cirque de Nifong and it is a two-week story at most.  No national news team on an expense account WANTS to park their satellite truck in Derm … REALLY.  Given a choice of the Derm County County House or a Malibu brush fire which would you choose to cover … capice!

The petulant clowns are falling all over each other to get back into those hidey holes, but the damage is done.  Not only Derm but lots of America has seen these loons out of their esteemed “chair”.  A petulant loon without a “chair” is a jockey without a horse … just a funny little dude in a silly suit.

Updating our prognostications … Looking more and more like Crash The Dough Boy DA will be Crash The Dough Boy Convenience Store Clerk this time next year.  The Invertebrate President will become Provost at Guam A&M.  At least a dozen of the Gang of 88 will get their very own “chairs” in Phoenix University’s telemarketing department.

We did hear that at Saturday night’s dinner of the Duke Football Summit, Crash The Dough Boy DA was given a standing O by the attendees for being a much more ridiculed Loser than Duke Football will ever be.


 ?  Despite Chub’s suggestion, where did NC actually put their zoo ?


Jerry Jones’ new stadium is in Arlington as part of the Rangers / Six Flags complex.  Jill Mercury Girl Wagner is a NCSU alum.

   In case you’re wondering … Roget’s Thesaurus shows the following synonyms for petulant  bad-temperedbitchycaptiouscavilingcomplainingcrabbycranky*, crosscrybaby*, displeasedfault-findingfractiousfretfulgrouchygrumblinghuffyill-humoredimpatientirritablekvetchymeanpeevishperversepillpoutingqueruloussnappishsoursulkysullentestytouchyungraciousuptight*, waspishwhiningwhiny …. fits pretty well, huh?


 Want to e-mail BobLee …    [email protected]

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