Behold The Pale Rider!

BobLee
January18/ 2000

… “And all about them was in dismay and torment and agony.  The dark forces of destruction had feasted upon their weak and helpless.  No man among them was up to the task so the call went forth … and lo the call was answered. … Come and see, come and see …. Behold a pale horse coming …. and upon the saddle sits The Pale Rider … and hope sprang forth as they welcomed him …”

 

…and The Pale Rider’s name is “Butch”.

    Butch Davis is the first Carolina Football Coach in 60 years that will NOT have his picture taken with the late “Choo Choo”.  Butch Davis is also likely the first Carolina Football Coach in 60 years to have no clue on God’s green earth who Charlie “Choo Choo” Justice was.  And therein lies the real story as The Butch Era begins in The Village they call “the Southern part of Heaven”.  

   At no time did the quite capable adults in charge care about the color of Butch’s blood.  The Village was imperiled and a call went forth for he who could save it … … “Behold a pale horse and upon the saddle sits The Pale Rider … and his name is Butch”. 

Kudos to the capable hands for a VERY effective media leak lockdown.  A delay purposefully inserted as “Dickie’s Revenge” … to see how many Caro-loonies could actually perch on a ledge taking turns screaming “It’s Done/Not Done …  We’re Beamered Again … Make Bunting a Provost – What’s a Provost?” … and that was the saner ones.   Dickie knew the board monkeys would blame him anyway so this was Dickie’s wedgie to the board monkeys.

Kindly Ol’ Bill Friday was not on-hand to welcome The Pale Rider to Chapel Hill.  Kindly Ol’ Bill took a double handful of Extra Strength Sominex and laid down on Frank Porter Graham’s grave.  A simple hand-written note pinned to his sweater vest stated …

   I tried.  I give up.  

   Sincerely,  Kindly Ol’ Bill Friday

The Big Winners:  The families of Jared Haase and CV McGrath … and Wanda Williams.  Wanda can now get solid gold faucets for the guest bath room.  She can have her very own Lowe’s Store and a SuperTarget too.  Just send the bill to Dickie.  He’ll pay it.  Trust me ….. Butch just handed Ol’ Roy a Golden Ticket.

   Memo 

   From:  D Baddour       To:  Martina Kendrick Ballen

   Re:  Whatever Roy Wants …

   Give it to him.  Yes, yes … Anson and Sylvia and Mike Fox too.  Nelson and Paul and Rusty and Stick and Ellison said give’em whatever they want.  Meezie said he’d just take it out of the College of Arts & Sciences budget (like they matter?) … and cancel that donation to John Edwards’ poverty scam.

DB

 The Big Losers:  Anyone who bought LTRs at Carter-Finley anticipating the imminent arrival of Big Time Championship Football at the Fairgrounds.   The price of poker just went up and Chuck is holding a pair of deuces and a Philip Rivers rookie card.  Is it time for Dr. Goodnight to take SAS public and give Lee some serious “walking around” money?  He’s gonna need it.

  Now The Real Fun Begins:  Would you like to be a fly on the wall at the next UNC Faculty Squirrel Mob Rally?  Will Meezie be pecked to death by the enraged facu-loonies screaming FOOTBALL FACTORY … OH ME, OH MY … FOOTBALL FACTORY … NO MORE FLY-OVERS! … NO MORE TAR HEEL TOWN! … FOOTBALL FACTORY … AARRRGGHHH! … BobLee would pay cash money to be on hand for that … wouldn’t you?

 Any body worried about Butch running a rogue program filled w/ thugs?  Don’t be.   BLS ran a due diligence on him with coaches across America.  He’s a straight shooter and runs a tight ship … mandatory team chapel on Friday nights.  Butch will be even better than you hope he will be.  Be Warned … Butch is a Christian (YIKES! … ammo for Chapel Hill’s “God-hater” crowd)

 The Jock-Sniffers Shuffle:  Chapel Hill, as does every college town, has its cadre of “jock sniffers” who cozy up to assistant coaches and key staffers to glom nuggets of inside poop that will give said jock sniffer Loon Cred.  With a regime change, the sniffers will scramble to build new “best friends”.

    On his “official visit” to Chapel Hill, Butch was shown “quaint and charming Franklin Street” and asked his opinion.  ….   “Well, it’s not Fayetteville or Stillwater but it’s OK I guess… which building is the bank?”  

Will The Pale Rider and his soon-to-be-assembled band of gridiron mercenaries give a flip about that whole “Chapel Hill charm” gloppo?  “Yeah, right, sure, you bet … t-shirt shops and sticky-floored bars … cool …”which building is the bank?”

NOTE The looming challenge for Butch will be his old nemesis Frank Beamer but that’s better than “a looming challenge” every week?

 Bet U Didn’t Know That …   A certain “Kangaroo Kid” played a key role in bringing The Pale Rider to Kenan. …. Huh? … whatyoutalkinbout Swagger? … ohmagosh, quick somebody call Buck … call Eddy … Loon Alert! 

>>><<<

   In hindsight analysis of this latest coach search one can easily see the growing influence of “the Internet” in such high profile situations.  Just go back ten years and see how the dissemination of information and wild-ass speculation has evolved.

In the old days it was a newsboy on a street corner shouting EXTRA EXTRA …“READ ALL ABOUT IT” … and the public eagerly handing him a nickel and grabbing a paper to see Dewey Beats Truman or Golenbock Accuses Valvano.   A TV announcer’s voice ominously says “We interrupt this program to bring you the following announcement” and the family nervously gathers in front of their RCA Victor to hear “President John F. Kennedy has been shot today in Dallas Texas”.  

Jump ahead to 2006 and curious sports fans click on message boards every ten minutes to read updates from “anonymous palookas” declaring “That idiot Baddour has hired Junior Samples … Let’s go lynch him”.  Then thirty two people e-mail that link to me asking “Hey BLS, any truth to this?’

To which I reply “Where did you get this?”

 “From an anonymous palooka on a board.”

To which I reply “Then it MUST be true.  Grab a pitchfork and join the mob.  Send me a picture of Dickie dangling from a limb.  Try to get South Building in the background.”

It would be easy to be frightened by this and such fear is justified.  This is 2006 …

  • A pot-bellied dog-eating dictator in North Korea now has the wherewithall to vaporize Omaha whenever he wants to.
  • Your spinach salad could kill you in eight minutes.
  • Flying to Grandma’s for Christmas, your plane could be blown to smithereens by Omar The Not-a-Terrorist carrying a baggie full of C-4 in a suppository up his butt.
  • The Head Football and Basketball Coaches at The University of The People now have a net worth greater than the combined GNP of The Sudan, Mozambique and New Guinea.

… and yes, we have indeed reached the point in our descent into the socio-cultural abyss where anonymous palookas can hunt and peck indecipherable sludge on a computer and cause Eugene4327  in a double-wide on the outskirts of Brevard to attack a meter-reader with a tire iron because the name on his uniform shirt was “Dickie”. ….  A little concern for the future of the human race is justified (even before last Tuesday!). …..  But concern for the next 5-8 years of Tar Heel Football can be set aside for awhile.

BobLee Swagger proclaims his total support for The Pale Rider and his soon-to-be-assembled band of gridiron mercenaries. … The Sleeping Giant Awakens … Tippecanoe & Tyler (Hansbrough) Too … Hark The Sound … God Save The Queen. 

… Ol’ Roy                … just Butch

“The Blue Messiah”    “The Pale Rider”

 “… Roll’em Down You Tar Heel Warriors ….”

    Q: WHO told all of you four weeks ago that all this was “in capable hands” and not to worry?   A: You did BobLee. You did.

    Q: WHO assured you that the Dickie Factor was not a concern?   A: You did BobLee. You did.

Q: WHO warned you NOT to let the palookas and the screamin’ meemies get you all upset?   A: You did BobLee.  You did.

       Oh My Gosh … Dickie Did It AGAIN!

Instead of Butch … He hired “CHANDLER BING”!

  >>><<<

Go Forth Tar Heels and BE HAPPY, damn it!

   There is EVERY reason to BE HAPPY if you are truly a “Carolina Fan” … and, no, I don’t mean that faction that hides in the weeds and pisses and moans forever and always.  That crowd will quickly start whinin’ and second guessin’ staff hires and not-hires and recruiting.  It’s their nature, don’t make it yours.  

   The “capable hands” have delivered us an exceptionally qualified Head Football Coach.  We already have as fine a Head Basketball Coach as walks the face of the Earth.  

   DAMN IT … SMILE … BE HAPPY (but not arrogant!).   Come out to these next two games and be agrinnin’ like chesire cats because EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE JUST FINE!  Are you still worried about “Game Day in Chapel Hill” … DON”T WORRY ABOUT THAT!…  More “capable hands” will be fixin’ that too.  Butch will handle on-the-field and other “capable hands” will take care of other stuff.     Just as we did with “Get Butch” we will keep you up-dated on that stuff too …… or you can go squat and pick body lice with the board monkeys. …..   Oh, before we all get too giddy.  

  To those capable hands guys:  Hark The Sound of Tar Heels saying “Thanks guys … a job very capably done.” 

>>><<<

 What color did Clint paint the town?  …. No, not “paint the wagon”.  That’s a different Clint movie.

 >>><<<

   Luke cut the tops off of parking meters … “because it’s a small town and there’s not much to do.” 

   Shhhhh … don’t tell anyone BUT … all these “Big Butch Bucks” will be recouped soon thru higher ticket prices and eventual LTRs in Kenan. But let’s just be happy for now.

   Sure … BLS has gone “a tad overboard” in hyping Butch … (like Ol’ Roy … “he ain’t THAT good!”) but what the heck, lets hoot and holler instead of pissin’ and moanin’ … OK!

   Remember our incredulousness that Jim “The Weasel” Black might have actually won re-election.  A large portion of Jim The Weasel’s gerrymandered district is populated by total illiterates.  Jim’s hench-skank, “Mere”, handed out fliers in the barrios of East Charlotte proclaiming “Vote For Jim The Weasel and he will bring Selena back to life”.  It was written in “Mexican” and included a tear-off fake ID at the bottom.

   General Robert Montgomery Knight is on schedule to pass “Ye Olde Michaelangelo Legend” in late December.  Should the lights on Franklin Street be dimmed at that precise moment?   No, let’s wait until Coach K gets to 880.  

   Want to e-mail BobLee?

[email protected]

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