Beezeball & Ozzie’s Mouth

January18/ 2000

… BobLee is hardly a champion for the gay community … Hell, I resent homosexuals hijacking the otherwise nice word “gay” … But current World Champion White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen is not doing much for future Venezuelan Major League managers by being incredibly STOOPID! … BUT in Omaha HEELS ARE JUST 27 OUTS FROM GLORY!

“Beezeball she’s been very very good to me” – Ozzie Guillen

I won’t go into all the gorily gory details of Ozzie Guillen’s latest “diarrheatic” diatribe.  Basically he told an assemblage of Chicago media that local sportswriter Jay Marriotti was an “F—ing F-g”.  You can “buy the vowels” from Vanna and figure it out.  Ozzie supplied all the letters in his version.




Another “7th Game” … Except It’s a “3rd Game”  


    Jay Mariotti is a regular on various ESPN talking heads shows but all those guys morph together in one big jabbering dogpile.  “Mariotti” … was his Daddy J. Willard Mariotti the Italian Hotel Mogul?

   I don’t read the Chicago Sun-Times but I have been told Mariotti has indeed built his “rep” on being a smart-ss.  A sad case like Greg Doyell?  Other than Peter Gammons and Buster Olney … the average ESPN “contributor” just barks like a terrier puppy daring you to throw a bedroom slipper at him.

   Assuming that Mariotti is indeed “a jerk” and according to every fan board we’ve ever read … EVERY sportswriter and sportscaster (except Saint Woody The Wonderful of course!) IS “a jerk”.  Ozzie Guillen still shouldn’t oughta be calling him what he did.

I also have no clue or interest in Jay Mariotti’s sexual preference.  If Ozzie was correct, albeit overly descriptive, Jay’s locker room interviews will be watched closely in the future I’ll bet.  Eyes up Jay … Eyes UP!

No doubt Jay had recently or consistently been second guessing Ozzie’s managing of the White Sox.  Maybe Jay got overly “personal” in his criticism?  I don’t know.  It doesn’t matter.  Jay, like the N&O’s Barry “Bojangles” Saunders, might get bonuses for how much “hate mail” he generates.  I don’t know.

Ozzie Guillen has been a Major League manager for less than three seasons.  The White Sox’ victory last October crowned him the latest “genius du jour” of managers.  With Chicago’s South Side being starved for baseball success since Nellie Fox hung up his bottle bat and Bill Veeck kyboshed those short pants (on display along w/ “the unitard” in The Museum of What Were They Thinking?), last fall’s win made local Super Heroes out of everyone involved including Ozzie and anyone with the initials “AJ”.

Speaking of guys named “Fox” … do you think folks in Chapel Hill will start watching Fox News if they think it is named for Coach MIKE FOX?

Ozzie is the first MLB manager from Venezuela.  Apparently there had been “concerns” by baseball’s hierarchy that Venezuelans in particular might lack the “civility restraints” required for that high profile position under today’s 24/7 media watch.  Let’s hear a big “YA THINK?” for MLB hierarchy.  Somewhere Al Campanis is saying “I’ told ya so“.

The local hooligans (descendants of Comiskey’s infamous Disco Disaster promotion) love Ozzie for making a public jackass out of himself because they are themselves “jackasses”.  Ozzie just justified the jackass behavior of every punk kid in ChicagoLand.  “Hey, Ozzie got away with it!”

According to Ozzie … “Dis be da way we do tangs wheres I come from.”  Yes Ozzie we  know all about Hugo Chavez and his Caracas thugs.  Ozzie then muttered a bunch of Latin mumbo jumbo macho crap that only Sammie Sosa could have understood. It should be noted that Ozzie speaks with a Venezuelan accent so thick you could cut it with a chain saw.  I’ve heard his interviews.  It would take a Navajo code breaker to figure out anything he says.

The national sports media had a conference call to figure out how to run the original story and deal with “F—ing F-g“ in a politically correct fashion … The White Sox held a “damage control” press conference to allow Ozzie to “clarify” his original remarks.  Big problem … Ozzie used Terrell Owens’ speech writer ….

What was expected to be some version of I don’t like Mariotti but I shouldn’t have called him a F-ing F-g because I’m not sure he is one. Ozzie he be sorry.” was translated from  OzzieSpeak and came out more like “I called the F-in F-g a F-in F-g because he is an F-in F-g” and if any you other F-in’ F-gs don’t like it you can F yourselves … Ozzie don’t care.”.  Again, Ozzie used the full words for maximum effect and shortcircuited 37 media mini-recorders in the process.  Ozzie then added that “where I come from “Fag” means “sportswriter with buck teeth and webbed feet” …”

Up in the owner’s box, Jerry Reinsdorf swore he heard Dennis Rodman laughing his butt off and braying “… And you thought I was out of control!”.   And then to Ozzie’s everlasting glory, Ozzie added:

“But hey, Ozzie (he likes the 3rd person?) he don’t hate F-gs.  I mean I got friends who are gays (droll Oz, very droll) and we go to WNBA games (Yikes!) and other gay type stuff …”  …. GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!  …. Ozzie bites the heads off microphones just like “that other Ozzie” (Osbourne) bites the head off of bats.

When I read that I figured “Ozzie read my column on the LPGA and knew that at least the LPGA isn’t “dykes in spikes” any more.” … Ozzie did NOT mention if Ozzie has a Melissa Ethridge CD, OR if Ozzie watches ‘Ellen’.” 

  Ozzie Guillen… Now Venezuela’s Most Famous WNBA Loving Homophobe … will be fined some pittance and sentenced to the dreaded SENSITIVITY TRAINING.  The mind reels at Ozzie’s first encounter group session.

 “Hi, my name is Ozzie and I’m from Venezuela and I have a World Series ring and I don’t see no F-in World Series rings on none of youse F-ing F-g fingers so don’t give me no sheeeeit.” ……….. Ozzie’s rehab might be even shorter than Patrick Kennedy’s.

Meanwhile in Dallas …

Mark Cuban changed his name to Mark Venezuelan so he can use “The Ozzie Defense” … “I say stoopid things because that is de way wee Venezuelans talk…”

There ARE still some decent “good guys” in MLB … David Wright, Michael Young and Grady Sizemore are three.  Ozzie, you, however, are a stoopid idgit “where I come from”.


   Am I the only one who has done the math … Mike Nifong spent 20+ years as an Assistant DA in Derm … 20+ years.  That is NOT a “fast track career”.  That is like being an Accounts Receivable clerk for Piggly Wiggly for 20+ years … then one day they make you CFO and tell you to handle the IPO. The 6th man in the Kansas City Royals’ bullpen has a brighter career future than Mike Nifong.

   Watch for Ho #1’s cousin, “Jakki”, to soon be jockeying for camera time.  As soon as she can memorize her story “Once upon a time my dear sweet wonderful cousin  Ho #1, she …..”.  Just imagine if Cynthia McKinney had a really fat and ugly sister … that be “Jakki”.  She’s going to fit right in … yes indeedy.


Swagger’s Stumper

 What was the name of Forrest Gump’s lifelong love?


    Ava Gardner’s “most famous” husband was Mick Mixson.  Her “shortest husband” was Spud Webb … or maybe it was Frank Sinatra and Mickey Rooney!

    The Charlotte Observer’s provocateur columnist, Tom Sorenson, wrote a “who cares” piece about the Canes’ Cup win.  Such pieces are “de rigueur” for competitive cities and purposely designed as “bulletin board fodder” for the city being insulted.  True to form, Raleighites got all upset … adding 1,000s of hits to the Observer’s website and accomplishing Sorenson’s primary objective.

    Univ Calif-Santa Cruz’ Chancellor Denise Denton attempted to commit suicide Saturday by jumping off the roof of a 42-story apartment building in San Francisco.  The openly-Lesbian administrator had become despondent over a series of incredibly stoopid decisions she was being publicly reprimanded for.  Her suicide attempt was successful according to her life partner, “Gretchen”.   When asked why Denise did not use “that famous bridge” like everyone else does, “Gretchen” noted “Denise was all about making an impact!” … according to passerbysshe did.

   At least prior to her Saturday jump, the late Ms Chancellor Denton bore an amazing resemblance to Mrs Doubtfire (or Tom Hanks’ character in Bosom Buddies).  ……. Ozzie Guillen could not be reached for comment.  It can only be hoped that Ozzie will NOT say “As God is my witness,, I thought Lesbian Chancellors could fly.”

    Want to e-mail BobLee?

[email protected]

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