…. My how time flies…. It was Saturday, March 13, 2006; a buncha “rich white boys” were kickin’ back at 610 Buchanan Blvd in Beirut On The Eno. One of’em had an idea …. Let’s rent us a coupla strippers. Everybody throw in $20. Gosh, how many times has that happened? … A local two-bit ho named Crystal “Precious” Mangum and a doughy sack of civil service mediocrity named Mike Nifong become international celebrities …. Buchanan Duke’s Trinity College won’t ever be the same again…. The Duke Report came out yesterday (yes, we have a copy for you!) …..
Super Kudos to “Everybody Loves” Jim Grobe. The NCAA poster boy for “see not ALL coaches are sleazy snake oil salemen” was given a new 10-year contract on Tuesday by his still giddy employer, and reigning ACC Football Champion, Wake Forest University. Deacon loyalists could not be happier …
Meanwhile in Chapel Hill, The Pale Rider continues to walk on water as he attracts the attention of Big Time Blue Chippers like a Two for One Sale at your local Escalade dealership. In West Rawlee Tom “Semper Fi” O’Brien is probably doing fine too although no one has seen or heard from the crusty Marine since his hiring press conference. …… but, alas and alak … Storm clouds gather in West Derm.
The Wally Wade restrooms just got pusher further back on the priority list. Remember that “If Wake Can Do It Why Can’t We” Football Summit Conference that Duke convened a month or so ago.
Well, apparently the Gang of 88 wasn’t invited and those not-so-lovable loonies be pissed. How pissed off is The Gang of 88, BobLee? Soooo pissed they want to drive a stake through the barely beating heart of Hapless Ted Roof’s ever-struggling program. ……. Oh, and they’re taking aim at El Diablo hisownself too. Talk about biting off more than you might wanna chew WOO WEE! …. The Gang of 88 versus Coach K … if that won’t sell out Wally Wade nothing will.
Here is the not-very-much-anticipated Duke Report … also known as Richard Backpedaling Brodhead’s whiz bang Every Constipated Faculty Squirrel Gets To Form His/Her/It’s Very Own Committee and File A Report Plan. I bet you thought they didn’t teach savy executive management techniques at Yale … didn’t you. Jack Welch take notes.
(this is a link … but don’t go now … wait til you’ve read all this)
The Duke Report is also called “Count the number of times the word “Diversity” can be used in a 36 page exercise in academic prattle”. (in case you’re wondering, “parentheically” does not appear even once)
If you bother to read this (and I did) you will stumble across at least one very worthwhile concern. How the heck it snuck in there beats me. Duke University, like 99% of all colleges in America not named Liberty or after Bob Jones, has a real problem with underage and binge alcohol drinking. Carolina has 
the problem as does NC State and East Carolina (DUH, ya think!) and even “Everybody Loves” Jim Grobe’s employer in Camel City has the same problem.
Despite the fact that this website has the smartest bunch of regular readers in the Milky Way Galaxy … a handful of you are already thinking “Aw BobLee, getting’ drunk is a college student’s rite/right. We all did it and now it’s their turn. It ain’t a full college experience unless you throw up all over your date and unless someone you know gets decapitated slamming his daddy’s Lexus into a tree or t-boning a school bus. Just silly kids being kids, leave’em alone …. !“ All together now … Yikes!
Remember the wise words of Willie … Scroggs that is. UNC’s Assistant Athletic Director in charge of friendly ushers and other stuff. Eight years ago, quote Willie … “there are two categories of schools. Those that have already had an alcohol-related tragedy … and those that will have one.” UNC has had several in the past decade. Category Two – the “will have” is decreasing in number as Category One grows each day.
I know you’ll find this hard to believe but college student drinking in 2007 ain’t quite the khaki-pants and a keg socials that you recall from those halcyon days of yore. Back then you needed liquid courage to try and get to second base or, in the case of you coeds, to let him get to second base. Now its 24/7 buzz, stupors, and Lost Weekends. And it’s inside-the park (and panties) on the first date but that’s a subject for another day.
This column will find its way into the hands of the Little Moron Crowd who care not about college students dying, maiming themselves or others, and/or ruining their futures. The crowd that views this issue as Anheuser-Busch’s way of “culling the herd”. Such a moronic mindset views “students” merely as kids who attend games and don’t cheer at the right times. College after all is all about dumb-ass fans trying to find meaning in their worthless lives by vicarious victories in way-over-hyped games. For you human hairballs … go grab a phonebook.
On the back of that phonebook is a group of grinning Cheshire cats known as “trial lawyers”. Everyone of’em dreams of a 28,200 square foot monster manse with their own basketball court like Apple Cheeks 
has … and your alma mater or adopted school could be that golden ticket to filthy rich heaven. A nice little cocktail of irresponsible student, alcohol, and a school administration that neglected to establish AND ENFORCE policies on under-age and binge drinking and it’s “hats and horns” time for “the trial lawyers”. Trial Lawyers on the back of phonebooks is a fairly new addition to the college drinking issue … but a very key addition.
So … somehow among 30+ pages of yadda yadda diversity crap the Duke Report says Duke needs to “do something” about its student drinking problem. What Duke will do is form more committees to generate more reports on how it should “do something” about its student drinking problem.
Nobody ever really does anything about student drinking … but they really should.
Forcing a middle-class heterosexual Caucasian Christian kid from Kannapolis to room with two transsexual lesbian cross-dressing Satan worshippers from New Delhi certainly will be diverse. it won’t do much to improve Duke Football or keep the kid from Kannapolis from transferring to “anywhere else” ASAP. BUT if Richard Backpedaling Brodhead does grab his ankles AGAIN for The Gang of 88 it could have a positive result in the “end” (pun fully intended).
It’s a novel idea if ya think about it ….. instead of recruiting the best & the brightest (& the snobbiest & the geekiest) students across America … The Duke Report recommends conducting a global search for every sort of misshapen maladjusted sideshow freak that ever slithered out of primordial ooze looking for a hug and a free education. Turn the Gothic Rockpile into a Circus Bizarro that only Phineus T Barnum and Dr Frankenstein could love. An academic Island of Misfit Toys where Abby Normal can be Homecoming Queen (or King or Thing). Instead of SAT scores, one is judged by how many sexual encounters one has had outside one’s own species. Everyone who said “Durham cannot possibly get any weirdier” …. YOU LOSE!
Eventually all the relatively normal Duke alumni who function in and contribute to society in traditional socio-occupational capacities will simply say ENOUGH. Despite indiscriminate breeding by the quite goofy descendants of Ol’ Buck Duke, there are far more normal Dookies than there are Gang of 88 AND “goofy Dukes”.
At some point, someone WILL “bell the cat” and get word to WhatsHerName Ms Gates and Clay Hamner and my buddy Leo Hart and Russell Robinson and Ken Starr and Sonny Jurgensen and all those really smart surgeons and Wall Street titans … and Cherokee Parks. They will simply remove Brodhead and his quite insane Chock-Fulla-Nuts Faculty Lunatics and start all over on Methodist Flats.
You’ve read this far just to hear about what gonna happen to Rosemary’s Other Baby … haven’t you? That’s really all 
most of you care about when it comes to Duke any way, right?
Totally predictable … The Gang of 88 wants to raise academic standards for admitting student-athletes and hold them to higher legitimate academic progress. Apparently the Head of Duke’s notorious Sociology Dept was not on this committee. His whole department becomes, shall we say, “expendable”. …. and Myron Pigge … won’t be needing him in the rolodex any more either.
This solves the Wally Wade restroom issue as NOBODY will come to see Duke Football at all. Even parents, girlfriends (or boyfriends as the case may be) will stay away from six Saturday massacres each Fall.
Oh, did I mention that “the Gang” also wants less practice and less travel time devoted to athletics … presumably so the student-athletes can spend more time in sensitivity sessions with the increased enrollment of Gay Eskimos, Agnostic New Guinea Cannibals, Atheistic Amazons and quite mad Islamo-fascist suicide-students.
A “perfect Duke” for the Diversity Squirrels will have 60% fewer white males than the NBA. That calculates out to a total of 14 if you are wondering. …. and 50% of those better be Gay Buddhists and Damn Proud of it!
Ya got know when Coach K (AND Coach G) realizes that Albanian dwarfs simply cannot play tough-D or hit a pull-up jumper … they gonna be pissed. Who ya gonna call? Call Joe Alleva … Call Tom Butters … hell, go all the way to THE TOP … Call Dickie V! Or simply hand “Mickie” a K-bar knife and the keys to a bulldozer and let her handle it. A very mad Mickie Krzyzewski versus The Gang of 88 … take Mamma K and give the points.
Stay tuned … this is gonna be fun to watch.
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An easy one … Approaching the 1st anniversary of
“Rich White Boys Hurl An Epithet …
But Do Not Rape The Crazy Ho”.
What was the name of Precious’ employer?
(and where did you first learn that factoid?)
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Talk about great timing … in the same week as “The Duke-Carolina Game” we get not only The Duke Report BUT …. that doughy sack of civil servant mediocrity hisown pitiful self – Mikey “Crash” Nifong has to respond to the NC Bar today. No, it won’t be Mikey’s Perp Walk …. YET. But it will be another opportunity for this pathetic deranged humanoid to further embarrass himself, his family, his friends if he had any, Derm (if that were possible), and District Attorneys around the world. Any time Mikey opens his mouth, somebody grab a bucket and a mop cause he’s gonna make a mess.
The studio production of Sacred Cows & Other Roadkill is done. I know how Michael Jackson must have felt the first time he heard Thriller. Apple is already interested in putting it on I-Tunes. THAT will even impress Kid! More details to follow.
