America’s Newest Bonnie & Clyde

January18/ 2000

… Somewhere in the US of A this weekend I betcha a child was molested … a young girl brutally assaulted, maybe dismembered … a wife battered … a family killed by a drunk driver … some urban gangstas shot in a “drive-by” … tornados wiped out schools … a bus carrying a baseball team crashed in Atlanta ….. but all of that is chicken feed compared to the “he & she” crime wave that has our nation cowering in fear  … forget 9-11 …. Terror has a new name … meet America’s newest Bonnie & Clyde …… ANN COULTER and GERALD HENDERSON. ….

Which one to cover first?  I think I’ll do Gerald “Clyde Barrow” Henderson first.

I appreciate my diploma from UNC.  I hung it in my office until I was 24 then I realized how totally dorky that was and relegated it to a box in the attic somewhere.  As I chased corporate rainbows across America for 20 years it never seemed that big a deal.  Most of my interviews went like this …

Have you ever been arrested for “illegal sex crimes” in an Airport restroom?  …. No.

Do you smoke? …. No

Have you ever “hurled” a racial epithet?  …. I grew up in the Deep South in the 60s.  What do you think?

   Did you graduate from a college?  …. Yes.

OK … you’re hired.   Thank you.  Can I have a pretty secretary and a big office with a nice view?

   Sure. … Cool.

Until we moved back to “the Triangle” the fact that I am indeed a UNC alum was never a big deal.  Here of course it is the first thing anyone wants to know about you.  OK, maybe the second … Do you live in either Cary or Carrboro being #1.  Admit to residency in either of those God-forsaken places and anything else is irrelevant.

Whatever … I’ve never been ashamed of my academic background and resultant college sports partisanship DESPITE countless embarrassments by gaggles of generations of faculty squirrels over the years.  But that may be changing now.

Remember now … I am pretty much THE authority on how ABSOLUTELY BUTT-STOOPID a high % of sports fans can be.  My bizness has required me to visit dark dank cyber basements where human hairballs gather to joust over which one is really the sorriest dumbest sack of human flatulence that was ever expelled from society’s anal sphincter.  I have seen and read stuff soooo repulsive and repugnant that I have had to send my monitor thru an acid wash before burying it in a nuclear waste dump.  …. Then about 6:15 on Sunday, March 4th, Gerald Henderson’s forearm met Tyler Hansbrough’s nose and VIOLA …. A new depth of abject group    stupidity was achieved.  

   Two outstanding young student-athletes who will now be forever linked to the greatest display of Tar Heel Ignorance since Dickie ordered The Pissed-Off Posse to come out and pose for pictures.

With all due respect to the filthy vermin in NC State’s notorious F-Bomb Alley … The gold medal for Dumber Than Dirt goes to a whole bunch of Internuts who claim to be UNC Basketball fans.  It’s called The Nifong Trophy after a well-known local fool.

It might be possible that Mike Nifong fathered many of these raving morons … such total idiocy could not “just happen”.  Dr Frankenstein could not glue such freaks together from spare parts.

How bad was it, BobLee?  I saw so much stoopid lying hyperbolic crap in Tar Heel Fan Forums I thought it was an audition for John Edwards’ next Blog Assassins. …. more on him later.

Yes … I saw the incident live on TV (I watched the entire game in fact).  Yes, I watched the numerous replays.  Yes, I normally don’t care for or agree with Billy Packer’s comments.  …. And then I BROKE THE RULE!   I actually listened verbatim to Coach K’s post-game comments.  The unedited version lasts 9 minutes and 44 seconds on WRAL’s website.  I listened all the way thru TWICE.  Verbatim means “word for word” for any of you human hairballs reading this.

A couple of “secrets” … you want to draw blood quickly hit the nose.  The skin is stretched tight there and blood will gush out … makes a nice mess but not nearly as serious as it first appears.  You want to take a guy out … undercut him and blow the knee or ankle or back.  In Henderson’s case, he was simply flying high for a rebound …… unless, of course, one is a blue blind, Duke-hatin’, no-life, conspiracy wing-nut.  ……… HEY, didya hear that Ratface had a back-up plan.  If Henderson had missed, K had a lone gunman in Section 212 with a 30.06 aimed at Jerod Haase.  REALLY … quick, somebody call Swofford.  BobLee says K was going to shoot one of Roy’s assistants …. that no-good so and so!  ……. Gawd help us one and all, Tiny Tim.

In 9:44 of taped comments, Duke Head Basketball Coach Mike Krzyzewski did not utter, snort, snicker, imply, insinuate, or in ANY way say a single word or syllable that was not appropriate, gracious, adult, respectful, conciliatory, responsible, and correct involving “what happened”.  I admit I was surprised too … thats why I listened to all 9+ minutes twice.  I am now two actual listenings ahead of every goggle-eyed wing-nut on any UNC fan forum.

   Figuring it must be a secret coded message like The Beatles’ Abbey Road album.  I taped it …. turned the video tape upside down … sliced it into micro-thicknesses .… rewound it backwards … went outside and sacrificed a goat to Iscis The God Of Polish Profanity .… I made a circle of wolfbane and garlic and …. I did a Laettner Stomp on one of Adam Lucas’ books ….. but alas ….. NOT ONE SINGLE WORD OR PHRASE FROM COACH K’S MOUTH MATCHED A SINGLE “That Sorry Ratface Said …” BEING RAGED ON THE UNC FAN SITES.  What are the odds that NOT ONE single comment he made in over 9 minutes was correctly quoted by the raving lunatics claiming to be Tar Heel fans.

One little Tar Heel nitwit makes up an outrageous lie.  Ten other little nitwits immediately believe it and within 45 seconds … 2,000 more nitwits are just that much stoopidier.  Nitwit stoopidity multiplies on the Internet faster than ants at a picnic.

I realize many of the raging morons are nothing but punk kids, most of whom ride “the short bus” to school.  So I’ll be charitable.  Find their parents and crucify them upside down along 15-501.

As for the 45 y/o Little League Right Fielders spouting their own brand of hideous crap … crucifying is too good for those flatworms.  Throw’em into a wood chipper and use the resultant compost to fertilize the magnolias in Duke Gardens.  A fitting end to their worthless existence.

 I don’t much care for Duke.  I’ve always criticized Krzyzewski for his public profanity.  Their Gang of 88 are repulsive ideological mutants.  Their President is a spineless weenie.  And of course there’s those Wally Wade restrooms … The University is located in a municipal hemorrhoid of a city.  The ancestors of the school namesake are goofier than Algore doing his impression of Howard Dean. …… and now I have to apologize to all my Duke associates for the incredible stoopidity of my fellow Tar Heel fans.  GACK!  YUCK!  BLECH!

Considering that Tyler lives in the paint 98% of the game it’s a wonder his face doesn’t look like one of those sides of meat that Rocky Balboa used to punch before meeting Apollo Creed.  Tyler, bless his heart, has more notches on his own x-rated rib-crackin’ elbows than Billy The Kid had on his six shooters.  Ten minutes after the game, assured his nose was not broken, Tyler was laughing about the whole thing ….. while a vigilante lynch mob of Tar Heel nitwits was scurrying along 15-501 determined to see that justice MUST be served … Billy Packer and CBS Be Damned. 

Other than that the only part of the game that will ever be remembered albeit totally unrelated to anything that actually happened … it was a much needed victory for Roy’s Boys.  Yes, he took my advice and started Biscuit.  A coincidence … yeah, right.  Any victory, especially over Duke, is prized and worth celebrating … but questions still loom about this team coming back in the final minutes and/or holding a narrow lead in the final two minutes.  A win is a win and #100 for Roy at UNC deserves better than the shameful actions of way too many of the pitiful souls calling themselves Tar Heel fans.

The Mike Nifong Award for Overt Human Flatulence goes to the Tar Heels Fans On The Internet… Hark The Shame of it all.   Wuffies in F-Bomb Alley you are now #2.  


    That takes care of Clyde … now for Ann “Bonnie Parker” Coulter.

Ann Coulter is a self-promoting bomb throwing wiseass.  Yes, just like Rosie O’Donnell or Michael Moore except Ann’s smartass is a WHOLE lot smaller than either of their smartasses.  Yes, Ann is a registered Republican and an advocate of the Conservative agenda.  In a public speech on Friday she implied that John Edwards (aka The Tousseled haired Apple Cheeked Fraud From Robbins) is a “faggot”.  That was a very stupid thing to say.  She should not have said it.  Every Consv/Repub I have talked to since Friday shares my opinion.  She did it KNOWING that a firestorm of righteous indignation would blaze IMMEDIATELY from the knee-jerking jerks on the Way Out Uber-Extreme Rabid Bat Lunatic Fringe Left.  Ann Coulter knows exactly what buttons to push with that bunch.  She is a skinny blond Pavlov and they are her ever obedient little mongrels puppies.

Literally within MINUTES, John Edwards (aka THACFFR) had his diminutive hit yorkie … the notoriously sleazy David Bonior … send an e-message to their data base of mindless lemming wanting $100,000 in “Coulter Cash” to combat The Right Wing Smear Machine (not to be confused with The Left Wing Smear Machine … very similar but “the other wing”) out to get The THACFFR.  Johnny could simply sell a few acres from his back 40 to raise the $$$ but, hey, lets scam it from the mindless lemming.  OK, David, hit Send.

Pavlov Ann spoke and Screamin’ Howard Dean barked.  Yes, that Howard Dean …. Voted THE Most Insane Sumbitch In Vermont for the past six years running.  Howie wants REPARATIONS.  He is demanding that George Bush (1) relinquish the White House, (2) give up 26 Senate seats, (3) say 136 Hail Hillarys, and (4) carve on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in really big letters … “Howard Dean is NOT really as Stoopid as he acts.”

A White House spokesman issued the following response …. Howard Dean?  Oh, THAT Howard Dean?  We thought the Dems had him chained up in a maple tree outside Montpelier. Is he involved with Anna Nicole too?” 

So “That Howard Dean” barks … The notoriously sleazy David Bonior fleeces The THACFFR’s mindless lemming of more $$$ … 99.9% of Repubs wish Ann Coulter would shut up …. And Ann Coulter sells a few more books to bottom feeders Repubs like the Lib/Dem loonies that buy tickets to Michael Moore “hate movies” and think Rosie O’Donnell and Whoopie Goldberg are really really smart.

I wish Ann Coulter would shut up.  I wish The Oscars had not become The Left Wing Smear Machine wearing free dresses and augmented breasts.  Neither is likely to change any time soon.

Meanwhile Reverend Algore of The Church of Global Warming &/Or Ice Age &/Or Giant Meteorites Headed towards The Mall of America &/Or Killer Bees &/Or Assorted Cock&Bull is rubbing his chubby little hands together and chuckling …….

Tipper, Tipper… it’s working, it’s working.  I told you these morons would buy the Global Warming crap … hellfire, they’re as gullible as Tar Heel fans after a Duke game.  Call that sort of black fella up in Chicago, whathisname BammaLamma, and see if he wants to be my Veep.  If not lets find us a Lesbian Pygmy who can bring in the sideshow freak vote.  Oh, you’re right.  I’ve already got that.” …. “And, Tippy, call Ann Coulter and tell her I have some more really funny lines about Kerry for her next speech.  Turn off the hot tub, honey, we need those carbon offset credits.”


 In the last really Big Fight at a UNC-Duke game, 

who did “Suitcase Larry” Brown get into it with ? 


  John “Whack” Hyder was basketball coach at Georgia Tech in the 60s.  I bet there’s a funny story about how he got that nickname.  But probably not REALLY funny.

    Duke’s Gang of 88 has a bunch of really cool ideas for completely eliminating every single white heterosexual male American citizen from Duke.  It is a fitting task for these quite mad pointy-headed psycho-demaniacs.  BobLee has a suggestion (Hot Damn!) …. 

   Why not announce that Duke will no longer accept financial gifts of any kind from White Heterosexual Male Americans or their corporate affiliates.  That’ll show’em by golly!  ….. within 3 months, Duke will go from one of the top 5 university endowments to a bank account less than Bunny Hole Entertainment’s petty cash box on a slow Saturday night.  Should we tell The Gang of 88 that an alumni base of misfit toys, wickets, homeless leprachauns, and little green asexual minnonites from Pluto tend NOT to be cheerful generous givers ….. nah, lets let’em find out for themselves. …. They really should get rid of Gerald “Clyde Barrow” Henderson though because he beats up innocent little boys from Poplar Bluff.

 Say Good Night Gracie … 

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