A Cast of Clowns & A Pair of Pajamas

January18/ 2000

…. Imus & Al …. Zach & Jesus …. Elizabeth & Monty … 3 gophers charged with sexual assault !!! …. A parting shot from Chuckles …. The Ball Coach meets BobLee …. A Blinking Contest w/ The Queen Bee …. “The N&O suits” get nervous …. And Pajama Power …. If this one don’t get you smiling – You’re DEAD!

Very rarely do I “not have anything to write about”.  Very often I simply do not know where to begin.  Like “favorite Bond Girls” and the serving line at Piccadilly Cafeteria, you really can’t go too far wrong with today’s column.  Read it from the top down, bottom up or start in the middle, just don’t be drinking spit-upable liquid or sharpening a hawkbill knife while reading today’s contribution to the BobLee Wing of The Rogue Journalist Hall of Hilarity.

Don Imus & Reverend Al … I’m on record as an appreciator of “The Rev”.  Very few charlatans on the public stage over the past 25 years have their act down pat like Al Sharpton. NOBODY does what Al does, as well as Al does.  Sure he’s a race-baitin’, bling-loaded, pomaded ol’ shyster who is the ultimate amalgamation of every race baitin’, bling loaded, pomaded shyster to ever run roughshod across the American landscape.  He is Algonquin J. Calhoun, Reverend Ike, and every crooked black undertaker that ever resold the same casket 27 times. …. And he ran rings around the rotting corpse of Don Imus.   The Libs are afraid of Al because he is a smart-ass black guy.  The extreme “right” hates him because he is a smart-ass black guy.  I like him because he is very good at being a smart ass black guy …. And he KNOWS IT!

   I was a fan of Don Imus for a few months 6-7 years ago.  I thought he interviewed well.  Then after a few months I realized I had heard his entire assortment of drug jokes, kissing a marine and peeing in a phone booth.  There is a market for what Imus does.  I’m not it.  His “nappy-haired Hos” remark about the Rutgers women’s basketball team was stoopid.   IT WASN’T FUNNY!  The reason it “wasn’t funny” wasn’t because it was in bad taste (which it was).  It wasn’t funny because IT WASN’T FUNNY!

In his appearance on Rev Al’s radio show on Monday, Imus looked like that woefully decrepit constipated senior citizen you see in the recreation room at every “assisted living center”.  The orderly runs a mirror fog test on him every couple of hours, otherwise he just sits there and molts.

I’m fine with suspending him, firing him, disemboweling him in Times Square.  If Imus had called Condi Rice a “nappy-haired ho” he would be booked as the keynote speaker at the DNC Convention in Denver.  There are rules for stoopid white folks and rules for stoopid black folks … different rules.  Consider that a form of reparations.

The Ball Coach Meets BobLee … So we’re standing on the 7th tee at The Dye Club at Barefoot Resort at Myrtle Beach … me and Boo-ya Stuart Scott.  I’ve done some schtick w/ Stu before so we can adlib without a script.  There’s maybe a 100 or so in the gallery, mostly all Sandlappers as you might expect.  Stu and I are doing some “the REAL Carolina” lines.  Suddenly I go into my big scary guy outdoor voice …. “Be Warned … Butch Is Coming to steal your youngans and salt your fields.  Behold The Era of The Pale Rider Has Begun!” …. And I point.  Everyone follows my point … directly at Steve Spurrier who had walked up from the 6th green.  They say they heard the roar back at the clubhouse.

   The Ball Coach walks out on the tee with me and Stu and everybody is cracking up.  It’s how intelligent adults have fun with sports rivalries.

Of course, an hour earlier Coach Spurrier and yours truly had chatted at the breakfast buffet at Hootie & The Blowfish’s annual Monday After The Masters charity golf event.  I told him “Coach, we got some board monkeys around Chapel Hill that don’t like you very much.”  He said “Board monkeys? … is that those people on the Internet.  Those folks are nuts.”  “Yes it is and yes they are”.  He asked if he could use “board monkeys”.  I said sure.  Then I told him about “Shineolas”.  He thought that was even funnier than board monkeys.  I asked him about all his lots at Governors Club which apparently are all appreciating quite nicely.

I also told him we have a new scoreboard at Kenan.  He reminded me he still has a picture of the old one.  I told him I figured he did.  We laughed.  It’s how intelligent adults have fun with sports rivalries.

Chuck & The N&O … Former NCSU football coach Chuck Amato was interviewed recently by a Florida paper.  Proving that old wuffs cannot learn new tricks, Chucky bashed the N&O saying they were always “out to get him and to undermine the NC State program”.   His paranoid remarks were useless other than to validate the decision to fire him by proving he is woefully lacking executive management skills.  When a man of his former position starts sounding like a PackPride bottom-feeder you realize why discipline and staff management were constants in his seven years at the helm of NC State football.

Yes …. that N&O cartoon last Fall was “too much” and never close to ever “balanced” by jibing UNC or Bunting.  But Chuck does himself no good with people that matter with his whining.

Elizabeth & Monty The Neighbor …. Folks I really and truly want to stop chronicling the hilarity otherwise known as Another Day In AppleCheeks’ America.  I want one week to go by without the candidate, his wife (who has cancer!) or some wuzzle on his staff stapling their tongue to their desk blotter.   If you know these people, PLEASE ask them to declare a one week moratorium on really ridiculous statements …. just one week!

I wrote off Johnny’s latest Fox News silliness as the trial lawyer in him thinking he can “select his jury” and decline anyone not likely to fall for his courtroom histrionics and cutesy flim flam. …. But now Elizabeth (who has cancer!) proves she may indeed be “the smart one” in the family but that’s not saying too much.  Elizabeth says she is afraid of Monty Their Neighbor.  She has never bothered to meet Monty Their Neighbor (duh!) but issued a press release that she is afraid of him.

Welcome Wagon has “Issue a national press release insulting your new neighbor” as #63 on their “lets all just get along” list.  #62 is “keep 60 sheep in your living room”.

   There are 37 outed Republicans in Orange County.  36 of them subscribe to this website.  Monty doesn’t have a computer.  Monty does have a gun.

I know several of The Edwards’ former neighbors “inside the beltline” in Raleigh.  There was NOT a “going away” party when they left.  There was a “They’re Gone” party however.  It is well-chronicled (except by Rob of course) that Edwards did not even carry his home precinct in ’04.  John and Elizabeth don’t exactly have a rep for being too sociable in the Southern tradition.  Elizabeth (who has cancer!) was a military brat and John, of course, was a scrappy little mill town bully.  Long before The Edwards became the darlings of the lib info-babes and long before Rob Christenson put a John Edwards poster on his bedroom ceiling, this couple had a terminal case of the nouveau riche stuck-ups.

With his “If you really are sorry that my wife has cancer, prove it by sending me your money” fund raising scam having about run its course …. one can only imagine the potential results of “If you really feel sorry that we have a scary neighbor, prove it by sending me your money.”   What’s next …. “Feel sorry for us that we only have six bathrooms; please send me your money” …. and somebody most assuredly will.

Three Gophers Charged With Sexual Assault! ….. as Larry The Cable Guy would say, I don’t care who you are THAT’s FUNNY!  If it appeared in the Minneapolis-St Paul Bugle Picayune Blade it would make sense.  If it appeared on the WRAL-TV website in Raleigh it is a 5-star “Say What?”  ….

Yes, it involves Minnesota Golden Gopher footballers doing the usual “arrogant dumb jocks assault the coed” garbage that seems to happen somewhere about every day.  Publicly castrate a few of’em and I predict a marked decrease in such “boys will be boys” crap.

Runner-up in the double-take headline contest this week was in the N&O …. Pictures of George Bush, “Dingy Harry” Reid and Princess Pelosi – the headline “Who Will Blink First?”.  Gotta be Bush or Dingy Harry since Nancy can’t. ….. prior winner was also in the N&O – “Man Who Decapitated Baby Daughter May Have Been Unbalanced!”  I swear folks.  I don’t make these up.

Zach Johnson Credits Jesus For Masters Win …. Want to see Jim Nantz swallow his tongue?  Just watch him interview Zach Johnson in the Butler Cabin after winning The Masters and hear Zach credit “my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ”.  In addition to a Green Jacket, Zach, until Sunday a PGA Tour whozit, earned himself an appearance on the 700 Club and the deep-seated animosity of the ACLU, UNC’s faculty squirrels, the uber-Left, Rosie O’Donnell, Ossama Ben Laden, the New York Times and Satan.  …. Which is a pretty darn impressive list of enemies.   You Rock Zach! ……. I wonder of Zach realizes he could actually visit Chapel Hill this month and not be persecuted.  It’s Be Nice To Christians Month in honor of Jason Ray’s tragic death.  I think Zach and Jason would buddies. ….. As local hypocrites brainstorm for a proper memorial to Jason, howsabout just being nice to Christian Eagle Scouts …. or just running over South Bldg’s designated Christian basher Jonathan Curtis with an SUV…. or both.

Pajamas Are A Good Thing …. Mizzus wanted to get me something recently just because.  Possibly in retaliation for some purely unintentional act of spousal thoughfulness on my part.  Regardless of the motivation, I moved quickly to capitalize on her largess.  I order a lot from Rochester Big & Tall because (1) I’m Big & Tall and (2) They send me a catalogue once/week and daily e-mails.  I picked out a fancy pair of pajamas.

The last pair of pajamas I had had feet in them and a picture of Howdy Doody on the front.  They probably cost $10 way back then.  This new pair cost $100 and has no built-in feet nor cartoon logos.  They are not silk or polyester but some quite comfortable cotton broadcloth.  I like’em.  I may have to get a back-up pair for when these are in the wash.

A Busy Week For Ye Ol’ Internet Legend …. Monday I was in Myrtle Beach …. Thursday noon I’m lecturing at The N&O on Rogue Bloggers & Shineolas (word is “the suits” are getting nervous!) …. Thursday night I’m speaking to the Belhaven Chamber of Commerce …. Friday, me and the fellas are being feted by The Pale Rider at the Annual Lettermen’s Spring Reunion …. Saturday is the Blue-White Game in Kenan.   As always …. Life IS Good!


 What sign does Monty The Scary Neighbor

have in his front yard? 


   Long-legged Lib Info-Babe Paula Zahn is splitting from real estate mogul hubby.  Rumor has it the winsome cello playing Ms Zahn has been “unfaithful” to aforementioned real estate mogul hubby.  ….. sigh, sniff, sob.  Her ratings on CNN have been faithfully tanking so prehaps Paula sought comfort in the arms of another.

   “The Little Apple” is Manhatten Kansas.  I’ve been there …. it’s a Nothing in the middle of Nowhere. …. but smells better since Huggy left.

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