A Big Game (to us anyway)

… OK, so Ohio State and Michigan have 20 Ws compared to our collective 4, but Charles Kuralt and John Tesh didn’t go to their stoopid schools … SO THERE! The confrontation in Kenan on Saturday matters to a relatively small population of the world’s people. A high % of that population visits this site however so, we will accord it its relative due.

It has become a SwaggerSays annual tradition during “this week”… Like “Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus” we repeat this urban legend each year and subsequently receive at least 27 reports of supposed sightings of “The Purehearts” after each State v Carolina game regardless of whether the game is in Rawlee or Chapel Hill.

The Ultimate State v Carolina Urban Legend

The Perils of “The Purehearts”

The Purehearts (father Andy, mother Alice, son Andy Jr, and daughter Cindy Lou) are simultaneously both State AND Carolina fans depending upon which side is giving the “not quite” eye witness account.

The Purehearts are the quintessential salt-of-the-earth young family. Neither Andy nor Alice attended the institution to which they are now devoted but they, and the kids, truly “bleed (insert appropriate color)”. Attending this year’s game has been THE long awaited family event of the year for them. Both sets of grandparents died in the past three months from (pick one … fire, tornado, drunk driver, gang violence, a meteor).

The Purehearts humble “starter home” they scrimped and saved for, and just moved into last month, was engulfed by a sinkhole on Tuesday (and their insurance did not cover “sinkholes”) … all they saved was the family Bible and the four tickets to the Big Game.

On Wednesday, Andy lost his job at “the plant” and Alice’s biopsy came back positive. Andy Jr. was diagnosed with scurvy and Cindy Lou has “ricketts” … but nothing was going to keep The Purehearts from “their first Big Game” as a family.

Alice used the sewing machine at “the shelter” to make “a little cheerleader outfit” for Cindy Lou. Andy cut up his one good shirt for a “game jersey” for Andy Jr with his favorite player’s name on the back (insert “Rivers” or “Choo Choo”).

Bright and early Saturday morning they walked the eight miles uphill, in the rain, to the bus stop (which was really rough on Cindy Lou what with her ricketts) and caught the bus to “where the game is”. Alice carried the Pureheart family Bible as she always does and Andy had the only remaining picture of Fluffy their pet turtle who, alas, went down the sinkhole with the house on Tuesday.

As they neared the stadium, they paused and knelt for “a family prayer” so grateful were they to be about to enjoy this wonderful experience together. Then it happened …

Out of NOWHERE “they” descended upon them … a gang of eeeevvvilll, no-account, sorry (fill in either MooU or Crappel Hill) hooligans. For no reason at all except their no-account sorriness, the hooligans hit Andy in the head with a ball bat … ripped the family Bible out of Alice’s hands and threw it in the nearby muddy ditch … threw a urine-like substance all over Cindy Lou’s “little handmade cheerleader outfit” and … made Andy Jr say that “(either Philip Rivers or Choo Choo) was a communist queer who has sex with farm animals”. Then they grabbed the four tickets and picture of Fluffy and ripped’em to shreds right there in front of the family. …. All of which proves beyond any doubt that …

ALL (STATE / CAROLINA) ALUMNI And FANS ARE

AWFUL AWFUL SORRY NO-COUNT HUMAN BEINGS!

Be sure to join us again next year when The Purehearts will visit Carter-Finley. Andy is already collecting aluminum cans to get enough for the tickets and Alice is dumpster diving for rags to make Cindy Lou yet another “little cheerleader outfit”. Andy Jr is taking Tae Kwon Do lessons and intends to beat the crap outta those (State/Carolina) hooligans the next time.

To those of you thinking BobLee is making all this up … By Monday. There WILL BE a Pureheart Family story floating around … there always is.

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“F-Bomb Street” in Columbus … wherever ya go, it’s all the same … Officials at the University of Michigan have issued an official warning to “all Michigan fans planning to attend ‘the Big Game’ w/ Ohio State this weekend”. They are “warning” their fans to avoid High Street in Columbus. High Street is the “main drag” that defines the eastern perimeter of the sprawling tOSU campus. Apparently Buckeye hooligans abound in that area and anyone wearing “the maize and blue” could be endangered.

U of M partisans are also cautioned about any overt show of their Wolverine allegiance while in Columbus. Wearing “the maize and blue” … singing “Hail To The Victors” … or wearing a Bo Schembechler mask … are all strongly discouraged.

What does this all mean? … maybe yet another “canary in the coalmine” that the “lunatic fringe” is taking over sports. Ya think? …… Unconfirmed rumor that NCSU’s Uber-Bureaucrat and “conceiver of heavy-handed dumb solutions extraordinaire” Tom Stafford has offered his services to tOSU as “a fixer of any problem”.

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Is that Dickie Baddour INCREDIBLE or what? Am I the only one who felt that Meezie was “just a tad” overly-effusive in praising The Dickster’s role in Operation “Get Butch”. Not to downplay the importance of Dickie sequestering himself in a janitor’s closet in Playmakers Theatre for nine days with his Gameboy and a roll of Mentos … but calling him “the chipmunk who singlehandedly saved Carolina Football” seemed a bit much. … of course Dickie repaying the compliment by calling Meezie “My Organ Daddy” was noteworthy too. … I’m really gonna miss those two goofy guys.

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Wanna be an AD ??? … out in Seattle, Todd Turner (remember him, I bet you do !!!) is “embattled” as he defends Ty Willingham who is not making anyone forget Rick Neuheisal or Don James. Todd is being called lots of nasty names by Huskie-Loons. All the same nasty names Wuffs call Lee, etc. … but no one is calling Todd “Prince Tassel Loafer” because we got that one copyrighted three years ago.

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“… In the history of Chuck” … Saturday’s “big game to us at least” is also “THE MOST “MUST WIN” Game “in the history of Chuck” (until next week). Yet, if Chuck does win, which is entirely possible, he will get zero credit for it. “Beating a lame duck coach” and a hapless team” = BFD.

If the embattled Wolfpack Head Coach manages to lose yet again to Burly John The Lame Duck it will surely be “THE worst, most dismal off-season EVER” for the man once said to have his choice of “replacing Paterno or replacing Bowden”. Lose this one and the only coach Chuck will replace is “Tom Reed” in the pantheon of NC State Gridiron Mentors of Undistinction.

Meanwhile 50 yards away on the opposing sideline is “a blue-bleeding burly lame duck with his bags packed” wanting nothing more for his “last meal” than roasted Chuck.

As of Friday at noon, BobLee is still negotiating with Jim Knight’s agent for the renown referee to walk out on the Kenan turf in full zebra gear for the coin toss. “Just for the coin toss” which should be more than enough to explode the heads of at least 3,276 of the 5,000 Wuffs on hand.

While above it all … in a private alcove of the Koury Box sits “The Pale Rider” scribbling notes on a game program … “get Dailey’s eyes checked” … “what’s with all the pine trees?” … “We need the peeing walls” … “so that’s Baddour, huh? I wondered what he looked like.”… “who the hell is “Choo Choo” … “how old is this ‘Woody” guy?” … “baby blue is a wuzzy color, get it changed first thing Monday” … “call realtor for tour of this Governor’s Club place”.

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There will be an F-15 “fly-over” before kick-off on Saturday. Timing for this show of American military might is impeccable. Earlier this week Carrboro/Chapel Hill’s grungy, unwashed 60s hippie wannabee club staged one of its infamous “protest marches” against “the US military and all that it represents”. As usual … the 30 or so grungy, unwashed loonies were outnumbered by the “non-partisan” local media who turned out en masse to give the local scumbags all the attention they never deserve, but always seem to get.

As with previous such demonstrations, a on-site survey revealed that none of the participating females had had prom dates and none of the males could “climb the rope” in PE. Pretty much how it was back in the 60s at Y-Court … and every time since then.

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Those wanting a fine Kenan Gameday Experience are encouraged to park and tailgate at The Friday Center off Hwy 54 … easy in/out, a convenient shuttle, a large pretty paved lot surrounded by trees or, of course, don’t and just keep griping and complaining … whatever.

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The 2008 Elections are acoming … John “I was a POW” McCain went out and bought himself a chimpanzee to play “Bonzo” as he tries to fool Repub voters that he is “the next Reagan”. Meanwhile John Edwards is auditioning “really pathetic-looking poor people” to stand downwind of him in “photo ops” on the campaign trail.

One of those “poor people” will NOT be “Baby Boy Bowden”. Jeff “quit” as Daddy’s OffCoor and will now get $500,000 “severance” from FSU for being shutout by Wake Forest on national TV. Is America a great country or what?

Say goodnight Gracie.