Wolfpack Football 2005

January17/ 2000

.. That goal line stand on October 9 pulled John Bunting’s butt out of the fire.  It did not exactly stick Chuck Amato’s butt in the fire … but it did move his butt close enough to the heat to toast a marshmallow on it.  Year 6 of Chuck’s 4 Year Plan sees a fancy Murphy Center … and a fancy Vaughn Towers … but no fancy BCS jewelry.  No one’s crying “Bring back Tom Reed” but gloat-starved Wuffs are fidgeting. BobLee calls it like he sees it for Wolfpack Football in 2005.

   Like Bunting fed Dave Huxtable to his ravenous lynch mob in 2003, Amato did likewise with Noel Mazzone.  Being a “coordinator” in Big Time College Football is like being “point” on a night patrol through a heavily mined Viet Nam rice paddy.  The first body bag has your name on it.

   Bunting hired Marvin Sanders from Nebraska who was immediately heralded as THE greatest Defense Coordinator since Carl Torbush & Buddy Ryan … and now Chuck hires Marc Trestman, who according to Wuff Loons, is personally responsible for developing every great NFL QB since Yelverton A. Tittle.   WHO KNEW? Nothing gins up the fan rabble like superfluous hype.

Chuck, like John, has experienced quite a lot of staff turnover over the past 5 seasons.  Since both men were Head Coach neophytes, that is not unusual.  The toughest part of Head Coaching is effectively managing your peers … guys making $100,000 to your $1,000,000 and having to work in offices without big fish tanks or giant screen plasma TVs.  Both UNC and NCSU employ a full time SID just to spin the annual staff turnover without using the phrases … “did not get job done” … “did not play well with others” … “needed a human sacrifice” … “cussed too much” … “refused to bring doughnuts when it was his turn”.  If you think that’s easy you’ve never been in the PR spin business.

So Chuck begins Year 6 of his 4 Year “BCS Next Year Maybe” Plan with a big ol’ press box and fancy suites.  Vaughn Towers was built from donations coughed up by promises of Triangle, ACC, and BCS domination.  Thus far only Duke has consistently yielded to Chuck’s Lupine Juggernaut and, unfortunately, the Pack doesn’t play them any more.  The new facility is top notch, as is The Murphy Center.  Another tribute to Bobby Purcell and his high-pressure pocket pickers.


On the outskirts of Pyongang China we found one blind deaf mute who claims he did not know that State plays a “relatively weak” OOC schedule this season.  How he missed the all out global saturation media blitz from the Franklin Street PutDown Club is beyond me.  

Eastern Kentucky and Middle Tennessee.  I am damn good at NCAA trivia and I never knew  Kentucky had an “Eastern”.  Hell, Dan Durham has never even heard of it and he knows Austin Peay’s shoe size.  Did it used to be called Piedmont Airlines or First Union Bank?

   Daniel Evans told Lee Fowler about them after Broughton High played them in a pre-season scrimmage his Junior year.  Broughton beat’em.  EK moved up to 11 man football in 2003.  

The 3rd OOC opponent is Southern Mississippi which used to be called Mississippi Southern before they hired a dyslexic sign painter after Brett Favre left.  Whatever … they are “legit” and played California so tough last fall they, along with Watson Brown’s vote,  knocked Cal out of the Rose Bowl.

I’ve talked to numerous sane adult Wolfpack supporters and every single one of them is embarrassed by the two Little Debbie cakes on this year’s schedule.  The $40 they have to pay for those game tickets equals the football budget of both opponents.  Yes, one of the Little Debbie cakes replaced Temple in a Little East realignment.  That’s replacing a Yugo with a Vespa scooter … still an embarrassment.

Speaking of “embarrassing” … one of Lee Fowler’s minions, Dave Horning, actually gave a public explanation of the Little Debbie cake scheduling … quote:  “the quality of opponents does not matter, the only thing that counts is wins”.  Whatever bus took Mazzone outta Raleigh shoulda carried Dave too. … now, the final word on the scheduling.

If State were playing Southern Cal, Oklahoma and Patton’s 3rd Army all away and all on the same day … some Franklin Street Fruitbat would still find a way to twist it into a slur.  Such is the remarkable capability of each fan base’s “moronosity”.


As stated … last October 9, two programs reversed gears.  Carolina went forward, NC State went the other direction culminating in all its Florida-bred players getting to spend the bowl season at home with their folks as well as all their non-Florida bred players.  That “much needed break” was, of course, part of Chuck’s Grand Plan according to the “reality, what reality??” faction of Lupine Loonies.

State has its world class defense coming back … The Monsters of The (State Fair) Midway … Richard Dent, Mike Singletary, Dan Hampton, oops, wrong Monsters … The Pep Boys – Manny, Mario & McCargo, etc.  They had an exceptional coach last year but since he flew the coop he is like Valdemort … “he whose name is never said”.  UNCers have “proof” that State’s defense is “over rated” … the same proof they claim to have that David Thompson couldn’t jump and Tory Holt couldn’t catch.

The Defense is coming back AND a Rivers, alas, it’s Daddy Steve and not his son Philip.  It will be up to an older and wiser Jay Davis to hand off to a phalanx of running backs that look like a Southern Cal Heisman Tailback Reunion.  These guys could be special.  1,000 yard stats would be nice, but most Wuff fans will settle for a few dozen fewer key fumbles than they endured with TA “Two Tries From The One Yard Line” McLendon.  

With TA having taken his slicky fingers and his 12 total college credit hours back to the mean streets of Albemarle, the burden of being State’s highest profile alphabet name falls upon AJ “Pizza Party” Davis.  When AJ finally leaves State will his mamma have to vacate the Cary condo and his girl friend give back the Beemer?  More gospel facts gleaned from the Tar Heel Encyclopedia of Rival Slander.  No, No, No … she wasn’t given a cushy job.  That’s Coach K that arranges the cushy jobs for parents.  Silly readers, everybody knows that.

State WILL suffer injuries in whatever area they can least afford them (just like every team will) but in State’s case it will, of course, be part of the Global Anti-Wolfpack Conspiracy masterminded by Johnny Swofford, Mickey McCarthy, and ESPN bimbette Kit Hoover. 

Chuck Chuck & more Chuck:

Defense, Offense, Special Teams blah blah blah … none of that matters when discussing NC State Football … It’s All About Chuck … What Chuck Says – Chuck’s Wardrobe – Chuck’s Voice – Chuck’s Chest – What Chuck did that nobody knows about except every mouth breathing Clem on a UNC fan board – Where Chuck was on 9/11 – Why Chuck only recruits thugs, hoodlums, and a bunch of other kids Carolina wanted really badly. 

Chuck            Chuck           Chuck

   The biggest news out of The Murphy this summer was the blockbuster announcement that all of Chuck’s “Rent don’t Buy” Assistants will be wearing THOSE RED SHOES on the sidelines this year.  No word yet about the Oakleys or the funny little bucket hats.  

When told this news, Reggie Herring just smiled and said I told those guys this was going to happen but only Doc Holliday believed me … I guess Ol’ Reggie looks pretty smart now, huh?”  Yeah, Reggie, real smart You’re in Arkansas, Dude!

State will easily win a MINIMUM of 6 games in ’05.  Little Debbie #1 and Little Debbie #2 and GaTech (finally) and one big upset … either VaTech, or FSU.  I’m not calling State-Carolina YET.  State will fall in Boston.  IF State beats VaTech (it’s possible) AND beats UNC then 8 Ws is possible, maybe even 9.

If State should lose to Carolina by 10 or more points on Sept 24 the after shock will level Wolf Mountain and I GUARAN-DAMN-TEE you all the red shoes will disappear from the sidelines before the next game.

Before I forget it … MAJOR KUDOS to Lee Fowler and Company.  They have totally power washed the Trinity Road Shooting Gallery and F-bomb Artillery Range.  Yes, it’s too late for two families and all the rival fans insulted over the years by the bottom feeding life forms that used to loiter there … but that’s in the past.  The New Get-Tough Policy for access to the former Beirut On Trinity requires a Willie Wonka Golden Ticket … a mortgage application from Chris Corchianni … and a personal letter of recommendation from Pastor Leon Tucker.  I’m good to go except for the mortgage app.

Ye Olde Internet Legend will be on-site at “The Carter” on Sept 4 

The tailgating equivalent of Elvis Meets The Beatles 

BobLee Swagger & Hokie Jim 

… will be standing tall and swapping lies as the wildest double barrel duo since Dalton and Wade Garrett cleaned up The Double Deuce.  Our exact whereabouts to be kept secret until 4 hours before kick-off to avoid snipers, suicide bombers and 13 year old skanks looking for Marcus Vick.


Only One More Prediction Left – Carolina

… It was written while eating the same sardine and peanut butter sandwichs Swagger was eating when he wrote these last two columns so you might expect sorta the same reverent and somber tone.


 Swagger’s Stumper

 What summer camp did Alan Sherman attend?


    Yes, I did this entire article on Wolfpack Football without using the word “parade”.  It would be my fervent hope that at least one more of my UNC brethren can reach that point by the year 2064.  I ain’t holding my breath.

   If you’re not reading Hokie Jim’s www.the-a-line.com then YOU are the reason for Global Warming and all your kids will grow up to look like Teresa Kerry, even the boys.

    Commanche, aka Tonka, was the only non-Indian survivor of The Battle of The Little Big Horn.  He was Myles Keogh’s horse and also the subject of a Johnny Horton song. 

    Looks like Kid Swagger will be attending the #3 rated Journalism School in America in 2006 … and it ain’t the one you figured it would be.  She just had her “official visit” and will be holding her “pull the cap outta the bag” press conference in the near future. More about this recruiting coup in the months to come.  

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