When we Grow Up & other myths

January17/ 2000

Why do you think (want to believe) that Lance Armstrong IS drug free but Barry and Marion are juiced?  Where will Big Unit end up?  What did you want to be when you grew up … and who ever actually does “grow up”?  Did Marvin Miller invent the fungo bat?


Hooray for Lance Armstrong and #6 … BUT am I the only one who noticed that most sports fans were quick to dismiss the charges that Lance used “pharmaceutical enhancements”.  The evidence seems as conclusive (or inconclusive) as with the BALCO Bunch … the only obvious difference being Lance’s ethnicity as opposed to Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, et al.  Probably something we should each consider as we cast our aspersions.  


   You should grab a copy of current Sports Illustrated (Olympic Issue) … GREAT group picture of all living Baseball Hall of Fame members.  Try to identify as many as you can without reading the list.


   Mike Tyson … KOed in 4th round by a whozit pug.  How much longer will this sad creature hang on to a few lines of agate type on the nation’s sports page. Hey, his “fame” did outlive his “ex” Robin Givens!


   I never loathed “Kathy Lee” like many did … but Kelly Ripa is simply soooo cute.  I like her. Me and Kid agree that both of “The Olsons” seem to be heading straight to Skank City.


   The judge in The Kobe Case is on track to join Lance Ito in the pantheon of Jurists Dumber Than A Box of Hammers.  America’s Most Celebrated Consenual Adulterer will skate for certain … Eagle Colorado’s most well-known concierge punchboard better go ahead and ink her deal with Playboy and book an appearance on Howard Stern’s Ho Parade.   


Swagger’s Stumper

Who did The Millenium Falcon belong to?


    It’s “silly season” in Major League Baseball as the Big Unit Watch continues.  The effect of Marvin Miller, Curt Flood, and Andy Messerschmidt on baseball has already surpassed Abner Doubleday and whoever invented the fungo bat.  I still remember the headlines “Kuehn Traded For Colavito” … and “Ernie Broglio Dealt To Cubs For Some Guy Named Brock”.  The St Louis Cardinals’ “home whites” are THE best looking uniforms in sports … that’s a FACT!

   I wonder who invented the term “caught in a pickle”? I suspect it was either Horace Mewborn or John Rudisell or Mickey Thigpen.

   The Jason Giambi “mystery illness” is quite strange.  I’ve always liked him … I hope “the undisclosed tumor” can be cured. 


   Women with ugly feet should NOT wear “foot jewelry” … Men with ugly misshapen heads should NOT shave their heads.  Why are these obvious fashion principles so hard to understand?


   Quinton Richardson announces engagement to pop diva “Brandy” 48 hours AFTER being traded from the Clippers.  “Brandy” is no fool.  Does Donald Sterling even own any Clippers’ merchandise?


   Kid Swagger had a wonderful two weeks at Kanukuk Kamp in Durango Colorado.  She came home full of tales of outdoor adventures and new chums from all across America.  The pics of her and her cabin mates restore one’s confidence that MTV and VH1 have not converted all of America’s teens into skanks and thugs.  This was Kid’s second year at a Kanukuk camp …   If you want more info for your kids and/or grandkids I’ll be glad to oblige. Note: Atheists, agnostics, and Godless Bolsheviks probably should pass on Kanukuk.  No snake handling, clay eating or speaking in tongues … but JC and His Dozen Boys and King Jimmy’s Book have a most definite presence.

   Another indication that restores confidence in our “younger generation” is Kid’s reconsideration of “what I want to be when I grow up”.  Preparing for her Junior year of High School, she had been thinking Journalism and following Dad’s run thru the academic gauntlet of ideological quicksand and socialist punji sticks otherwise known as UNC-Chapel Hill.  Now she’s thinking Youth Leadership … in other words she was blown away by the counselors and adult leaders at her camp. Which only reconfirms a Swagger Guiding Principle to “keep all options open” and never stop learning.

   I’m a BIG believer in a Liberal Arts education.  UNC’s bastardization of the 2-year “General College” was a bad idea.  Just keep learning “all sorts of stuff” and maybe, if you are lucky, around 30-40 you will stumble into something that will both interest you and provides the sort of lifestyle that fits your personality.  The “masses of men do indeed live lives of not so quiet desperation” and many turn to Internet message boards to share the despair of their mundane existence with anyone who cares to listen.

When I grow up I wanna be Jimmy Buffett … wear Tommy Bahama aloha shirts that he probably gets free … play to sold out arenas … just play all the old favorites over and over.  I used to think being a Statler Brother would be cool … but Jimmy doesn’t  have to share billing with anyone.


   I confess, I only watched 10 minutes of the Democratic Convention.  But in those 10 minutes I did NOT see Skippa’s boy, Erskine, or Gov Mike Easely; nor did I hear the words “same sex marriage” mentioned.  I’m sure some of you were more attuned to the goings-on … did I miss anything? I heard Therasa Heinz described as “Tonya Harding with a billion dollars” but, again, I’m not qualified to judge.  Did John Kerry really deliver his speech wearing camo-gear and a Rambo bandana? 


Latest Internet Idiocy … From A UNC Message Board

“Too many Carolina fans consider a football game as a social event.” 

What is it MORON? … Life or Death … WAR …  ????

Colonel Trautman warned Murdoch that John Rambo was a different breed of cat … Murdoch didn’t believe him.  Swagger met Dick Crenna and Sly together a few months before Crenna died.  

If you are having trouble getting on (or off) our e-list … contact us at the address below.  We can oblige immediately.

BobLee at Triad Sports Club on Tuesday at noon … 

call for reservation – 336 668-4556

Upcoming Swagger appearances in

Wilson, Greensboro, Charlotte and Raleigh.  Details to follow

2nd printing of Swagger’s literary epic Braggin’ Rites due out in mid-August

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