Week Two of Color & Pagentry

January17/ 2000

… Nine days ago if you had laid down $25 that TCU would be 1-1 on Sept 11, you would have $25.50 today … unless you said it would be “beat Oklahoma – lose to SMU”… then you would own Caesars Palace.  A nice trip to Atlanta w/ the Mizzus other than the obvious.  BobLee covers Saturday’s ups and downs and Mack’s (not big?) win.  We update you on the F-Bomb Alley project and Reaction to The National Negro which was what we expected but probably not what you expected.

   The Mizzus and I had our annual Tar Heel Away Game weekend in Atlanta.  My last time in Historic Grant Field was the 1971 Peach Bowl in a blizzard … Frank Kush’s Sun Devils’ Spaghetti Joe Spagnola and Monroe Ely vs Miller, Bunting, McCauley.  They say we lost but who knows for sure.  By the 4th quarter you could not see the field or the scoreboard.  The weather was much better this time but result the same … L for Heels. 

   Before the game we took a walking tour of Ga Tech.  Very “collegiate” except smack dab in the middle of metro Atlanta.  Greek Town is nicely compact.  I hate to tell the “only at Carolina” crowd but Tech has it’s “WreckFest” (Tar Heel Town) and it’s Old Well Walk except without a well, of course.  We were the only CBlue at the “player parade” but nothing but finest hospitality.  Nobody flipped us off or muttered obscenities.  Several folks went out of their way to welcome us.  My kinda fans … but, of course, you knew that.  GaTech has a national championship to its credit and a longtime football heritage … it does not have a “F-Bomb Alley”.  Any correlation ???

   Bobby Dodd Stadium is a compact boutique field with no room to expand … but with 5,000 empty seats in the end zone balcony, “expansion” isn’t on anyone’s agenda.  Apparently “Chan-mania” hasn’t quite caught on yet after 5 years.

   There was a wound up “street preacher” working Techwood Drive outside Gate 10.  He looked like a combo of Connor Barth and Marjoe Gortner.  His sermon premise was that our wimmenfolk are no-count harlots and our daughters dress like skanky Britney Spears.  He says it’s because us men are all couch potatoes only concerned with “where’s the remote”.  I wanted to ask him if he knew about fan message boards but Mizzus convinced me that mixing a lunatic street preacher with BobLee was a recipe for cultural mayhem.  I deferred the discussion.

   Speaking of the Howler Monkeys on “the boards” … we did a quick check on Sunday morning and found that the goggle-eyed spittle spewers are already in mid-season form.  Their keyboards were smoking …

  •  The refs are “the worst ever” (YAWN!) and, of course, all very anti-Carolina for reasons never quite explained.  Somebody somewhere obviously understands the new ACC replay rule … that “somebody” does not post on any of the major UNC boards.  At least 17 different “experts” pontificated on how it “should” work.  
  • The TV announcers were “the worst ever” (YAWN! Again) and, of course, all very anti-Carolina for reasons never quite explained.  It was universally agreed that the only “unbiased totally objective” analysis comes from Woody Durham.  Even the Woody one would spit up his Beefmaster at that silliness.
  • “Tranq” came in for some bashing because he’s a coordinator and coordinator bashing is what you do if the Head Coach is “a good guy”.
  • The greatest fussin’ and fumin’ was the 8th anniversary of “Mack lyin’ to dem boys”.  8 YEARS Folks … EIGHT FREAKIN’ YEARS and the obsession still rages!  Beating Ohio State at The Shoe before 100,000 and a national audience was, of course, NOT “a big game” and neither was beating Michigan in The Rose Bowl because “everyone knows” “Mack can’t win a ‘Big Game”.  Beating Oklahoma will be you say … no it won’t … we’re dealing with hard core loonies here folks.
  • Phineas T Teague and I discussed who will be this season’s “If UNC really cared about Football they would go hire ______”  aka “this year’s Spurrier”.  My bet is Charlie Weis.  Sure it makes no sense.  Reread above analysis of Mack-hate.

    Losing to GaTech does not portend a Fall of Darkness & Doom.  It likely does eliminate Carolina from serious BCS consideration however.  Matt Baker has a for real game under his belt.  Lets see how he develops over the next two weeks.  Demarius Bilbo always had a cool name … he is now a cool receiver. 

    The most talked about Tar Heel running back this weekend was neither Cooter nor Edwards but now-Steeler Willie Parker.  The timing of Willie’s success is not ideal for Coach Bunting; but darn good for former Wuffie Bill Cowher.

   Over in West Derm, the Hokies caught the Devils looking ahead to VMI and escaped with a 45-0 W.  Good thing Beamer played the Dookies before they jell into their annual November one upset mode.  The Hokies scored more points than the Dookies amassed offensive yardage.  If its had been Little League, it woulda been called at halftime.

   Tommy Bowden is 2-0 which amazes most anybody except the hardcore Esso Club gang.  Keep the “Bring Danny Back” signs in storage for another week.

   Visor Boy scared the bejeebers outta the Dawgs between the hedges.  We listened to the Georgia Football Network driving home.  Their “Voice of” (Larry Munson) is a certified coot that you gotta love or hate.  Apparently he eschews player ID aids and simply refers to “one of theirs” and “one of ours”.  This guy ain’t Norman Vincent Peale.  He preaches doom for the Dawgs as hard as that loon on Techwood Drive.      

   At Big Ten Plus Penn State HQ, Jimmy Delany has to be worried.  All three of his “big-uns” got spanked.  Charlie Weis has the best winning % in Irish history.  Ty Willingham got beat BAD by Cal.  The ND AD has reassigned the intern previously used to start his car each morning.

   It starts getting serious this coming weekend and that means at least a dozen coaches will be “in the crosshairs” and “on the hot seat” by next Sunday.


   BobLee’s “F-Bomb Alley” Project is underway.  Our “Dear Lee” letter did indeed get quite a bit of coverage, but not nearly as much as it will next week.  As we are reminding all our fine Wolfpacker pals, the offensive human scum in the Fairgrounds Parking Lots are NOT “State fans”.  They are simple “White Trash”.  If you know any UNCers planning to attend the Carolina-State game on the 24th, tell them next week’s SwaggerSays is a MUST READ.  

Last Thursday, BobLee wrote Little Johnny Swofford strongly recommending a Noon start on the 24th.  On Monday, Little Johnny announced a Noon start on the 24th.  Coincidence? 

   The Trinity Road White Trash will still be a problem, but the early start will help … as would 50 MPs from Camp Lejeune.


 The National Negro now occupies the #4 spot in “Most Read SwaggerSays Columns EVER”.  We lost ONE subscriber … and picked up 13 new ones.  Three longtime readers nominated it for “best ever” and our Pinetops expatriat said “build a new wing on the BobLee Hall of Fame”.  Kentucky Bill compared it to Gimghoul Star Chamber which is ethereal company.  A number of readers were worried we would catch a lot of PC whine.  The PC Lib crowd knows better than to set foot in Mr Swagger’s neighborhood. 

   The secret to website marketing … (1) a provocative title … (2) a picture of the ORIGINAL Daisy Duke in her Daisy Dukes.


 Swagger’s Stumper

What was Wisconsin Badger Great “Crazy Legs” real name?


    The recently deceased Bob Denver played “Maynard G Krebs” on Dobie Gillis.  Long before he served as First Mate on The Minnow.  As the quintessential “beatnik” he was deathly afraid of “WORK”.

   History was made on our Atlanta trip.  BobLee beat The Cracker Barrel peg board game.  And I had a witness … Mizzus and our waitress.  Mizzus immediately called Kid back at Swagger Manor.  Little Miss Swagger was awed.  Her Ol’ Dad has finally hung a “done something BIG” on the board.  Internet Legend Smedgend … Dad won The Cracker Barrel game!  I may qualify for Show & Tell now.

   This Saints win over the Panthers was just a tad over glamorized YA THINK … now if they had been playing the Carolina HURRICANES … that would have been a story.

   Is it just me but … Eleanor Clift (Newsweek’s foremost raging Bush-hating harpie) illustrates the limitations of the English language.  “Butt Ugly” doesn’t begin to describe her (even BEFORE she opens her mouth) … the love child of The Grinch and Agnes Morehead.  Teresa Kerry and Nancy Pelosi should hire Eleanor to stand beside them at all public gathering.  When someone yells out “My God you’re ugly” they can say “he’s talking about you Eleanor.”  Imagine if she and Beano Cook spawned children !!!

   BobLee WILL have a post-Katrina column.  It will be the ONLY column written “in the aftermath” that will NOT contain the words beignets or Café du Monde.

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