Two Michaels – One A Winner, One A Weirdo

January17/ 2000

… The US Open had everything except the sort of celebrity shoot-out that appeals to the casual golf fan who thinks “Bob Jones” left golf to start his “University” in South Carolina.  Am I the only one who thinks Retief Goosen and Tim Duncan both need “emoting” lessons?   Why does anyone become a worshipping disciple of Michael Jackson – WHY?

    Payne Stewart was a very nice guy.  He died tragically.  I’m sorry.  Can we move on PLEASE.  At least the next US Open at Pinehurst won’t be devoting 8 hours to “whenever I hear those church bells I remember Jason Gore 4-putting for an 84 back in ‘05 …”.

    Everybody who knows who Todd Hamilton is please raise your claret jug.  Todd Hamilton is the most unfamous “whozit” to win a major (2004 British Open) until Micheal Campbell did yesterday.  At least when unknown Mike Weir won the Masters he was left-handed and Canadian.  This guy Campbell is simply the “is he black or another Figian” winner.  Actually he is part Maorian which is a Polynesian tribe that settled New Zealand.

    I think its fine Campbell won.  Unlike most other sports, there are no conspiracy theories for nutball fans to shuffle thru after a golf tournament.  No crooked refs, no USGA wanting a 7-game playoff, no steroids, no instant replays, no controversial Peter Jacobsen Amex commercials about leadership … heck, it’s a wonder anyone watches.  

    Speaking of commercials … there were zero “Elin Woods” sightings but like a zillion Levitra brunette hottie viewings.  Howsabout … “if your round of golf persists for more than Four Hours consult a physician or your local pro.”

    Kudos to the USGA and the folks at Pinehurst.  The winner shooting “par” is how it should be in a real test of golfing skills.  I vote they return to Pinehurst as soon as possible.  Heck, have it there EVERY year like The Masters @ Augusta.

    NO WAY Retief Goosen crashes like he did.  Jason Gore and Olin Brown yes … but not Retief.  The difference between approach shots “holding” or running off into “containment areas” was a matter of inches.  Thats the way sports SHOULD be.

    NCSU’s Tim Clark finished one stroke ahead of UNC’s Davis Love which of course negates the basketball championship and “the goal line stand” and firmly establishes NCSU as having the prettiest coeds on any campus on Hillsborough Street not named Meredith College or St Mary’s.

    Unlike most any other US Open “venue”, anyone with $300 can play #2 and experience the same basic issues the pros did regarding Donald Ross’ inverted saucer greens.  Those greens defy all the juiced up balls and space age Biggest Bertha titanium shafts.


    I’ve always been a big Tim Duncan fan.  He embodies everything I wish we saw in more pro athletes.  There is zero “thug” elements in Tim.  That said, his “I want my MayPo” expression after missing all those 4th quarter free throws was disarming.  On a couple of’em he was really close to tossing up air balls.  I figured the Pistons had it in OT.  

   If Robert Horry misses that 3 pointer, nothing gets said except about Duncan’s FT bricks; but Horry didn’t miss.  Francisco Cabrerra is still my all time sports playoff hero.   

   Usually I apply my “who has the fewer thugs” rule in picking any NBA team to pull for.  Since the Spurs are essentially thug-less this was easy plus I used to live in San Antonio and, as stated, I like to see sports’ Tim Duncans win.  The Pistons really aren’t too thuggy even with Rasheed.  Regardless win or lose, Larry Brown will cry later this week.

    NBA Draft question … if “Rashad the Enigma” pulls a Forte and flunks the NBA “grow up” test ending up back in Asheville, will he live at home during his NBADL career.


    As to Jacko … I do not feel threatened that a likely child molester is turned loose.  This quite sad freak poses no threat to me or mine.  The accusers were quite strange folks themselves.  This was not a victory or a loss for the criminal justice system.  Michael Jackson is what he is, whatever that is. BUT …

   Would somebody, anybody tell me what this yahoo has ever done to merit worldwide fame and apparent adulation by a seemingly significant number of my fellow human beings.  The trite phase “get a life” falls waaaay short in describing anyone who declares themself a devoted Michael Jackson fan/disciple.

   OK, I’m not into music.  The Statler Brothers, Donna Fargo, Neil Diamond, Herman’s Hermits and a few others are fine.  Nor am I opposed to “music” unless it is too loud.  I appreciate that most people are into it but what in the name of Emo Phillips, Pee Wee Herman, and Carrot Top has “Jacko” ever done to merit “worldwide cult celebrity status”.  

   His “Thrilla” video was essentially the previews for George Romero’s next zombie flick.  He and his brothers were The Black Osmonds from Gary, Indiana without Marie.  He invented “the moonwalk” which ranks right up there with cracking your knuckles and tying a cherry stem in a knot with your teeth. 

   Ray Charles and Little Stevie Wonder was/is BLIND for criss sake and can play the piano … so can Jose Feliciano and Ronnie Milsaps.  Chuck Berry and Cab Calloway and Little Richard and James Brown were all better “showmen” in my humble opinion.  Heck, so were Doug Clark and The Hot Nuts.

   Has he ever said anything coherent?  Professor Irwin Corey reciting the preamble to the Constitution in pig latin makes more sense than this loon.  Has he ever done ANYTHING that wasn’t self-serving to draw attention to himself simply for being bizarre?  He is “Chauncey The Gardner” with a plastic nose.

   I understand the power of great persuasive orators from Hitler to Billy Graham.  I even appreciate that the right combination of lyrics and music can reach people at some conscious level ergo John Lennon and his fellow Liverpoolians.  Certainly I can see the sexual stimulation of a Frank Sintra to bobbysoxers in the 40-50s and Elvis in the 60-80s.  Don’t even try to say “Jacko” gets anyone juices flowing unless its Bubbles The Chimp.  

   Kid Swagger is my go-to Kid on matters of “entertainment celebrity”.  She says it’s “a Euro and Asian thing”.  Apparently those sad huddled masses are the disenfranchised fringe element that for various reasons do not and likely never will be able to function in the “mainstream”.  In this sideshow creature they see someone even further separated than they are from even loosely defined “reality”.  … Yet another “advantage” of living under socialism which might also explain Franklin Street victory celebrations. 

    Perky Katie Couric interviewing the runaway bride and Dick Durbin’s speechwriter makes more compelling TV than Jacko.  For what its worth I have never understood Garth Brooks’ appeal either.


 Swagger’s Stumper

Name the four surviving ABA franchises?


   Donald ROSS designed #2 and Katherine ROSS played Etta Place.  They were not related that we know of.  Nor were Bobby Ross and Betsy Ross.

   MAJOR techno-glitch on SSays this past weekend.  Apologies to all.  Techie elves burned much midnight oil.  CSI Investigators found traces of a tassel loafer at the crime scene.

   New Feature on SwaggerSays Home Page … GOLDEN OLDIES … Top 12 Columns in special archive.  Right hand column, check it out.

   [email protected]

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