… It was never intended to be this way at all. The original goals were “modest” …. Start a website, piss off some puckered butted loonies, become nationally renown, and develop at least one groupie. That was it. We did all that in our first month over five years ago. But NOBODY predicted what Topsy has grown up to be. On Wednesday night “your favorite website” recorded The Triangle Sports Trifecta. Historians say UNC’s 1957 “Win over Wilt” MADE ACC basketball. Gotta wonder what they’ll say about BobLee ???
Really, it all began with 2-3 column ideas, a messa wings and a 6-pak of Dr Peppers. We got the anonymous tip about The Gimghoul Starchamber. Dickie bought off Jim Heavner to try and shut up me, Alfred Hamilton, and Artie Chansky on GoHeels. There was that whole “Carolina Goes NASCAR” thingie. Then 750+ columns later we apparently now outrank “Little Johnny”, Mother Vick, and Castleman D. Chesley in “influence” within The New ACC.
We never saw BobLee as a “crusader” … well, OK, we sorta did; but not really. Surely the “powers that be” at area Big Time College Sports Institutions had “grand plans” and “broad visions” and had reasonable clues what freakin’ day it is … right? Surely these arrogant bureaucratic papershufflers don’t start their days “checking message boards” not to mention one little ol’ website in particular. WHO KNEW?
The Triangle Sports Trifecta
Aye Zigga Zoomba was/is a wonderful college fight song. So wonderful that Bowling Green State University also uses it. It was an old Zulu war chant. Norm Sper (sp?), a UNC cheerleader, brought it to Carolina in the late 40s. It became a Kenan staple under the late Major Y. The Hill Hall purge that ousted the popular “Major” in the late 80s also wiped off AZZ from the Marching Tar Heels playlist. “Who did it” remains a mystery. Like most really dumb decisions, no one has the cojones to step up and say “I did it” … buck passing is a favorite pasttime among college administrators. I always figured whoever taught Susan Ehringhaus to trowel on make-up was likely involved somehow. I do so miss that enchanting South Building dominatrix.
Mr Swagger was part of an ill-conceived circle-jerk exercise back around the turn of this Millenium that was supposed to drag UNC Athletics kicking and screaming into the rapidly departing 20th Century. It ranked only behind “Hillary’s HealthCare Summit” in abject absurdum. A “focus group”, aka The Star Wars Cantina Hosts The Board Loonies convened in the “Impress The BlueChippers” Room at The House That Mack & Johnny Built. Right off the bat the newly-arrived Prodigal Son “Burly John” announced that the band would no longer play visiting teams alma mater. That pronouncement along with a stack of pizzas compliments of Fruitcake Freddie From Franklin Street was pretty much “IT” for that epic gathering. Well, almost … BobLee (1) began a blood feud with a TarPit junior woodchuck and (2) ended a friendship w/ Band Guy Jeff Fuchs that never had a chance to begin with.
“Bring Back Zigga Zoomba” seemed such a simple task. Kind of like “Find That 1965 Coker Arboretum Murderer” … sigh, sniff, sob! Zigga Zoomba had and has the potential to be Carolina’s Rocky Top or Boomer Sooner. You know, the song that opposing fans really really hate. Unfortunately Jeff Fuchs was still a tad insecure as he had inherited the Band Guy baton pretty much like Carl Torbush and Matt Doherty got hired … none of the three ever had “mandates”. Jeff took such offense at my persistence that he had his wife send me a threatening e-mail. I still have it.
Allying ourself with Phineas Teague, we ran a Twin Spin … Bring Back Zigga Zoomba and Bring Back The Mike Man. Despite the best efforts of our dear Burlington amigo – The Legendary “Lump”, The New Millenium Mike Man was not to be. A Kenan sound system powered by two geriatric gerbils pretty much kiboshed that “great idea”. BUT we somehow got at least a Fuchified-version of Zigga Zoomba back on the play list but not before BobLee was threatened by a junior assistant drum major punk at The Peach Bowl. Why do these things always involve BobLee getting threatened?
Who will ever forget F-Bomb Alley … Yee Ha! We sorta knew that one would “have legs” from the get-go. Any time you publically criticize anything related to NC State Univ athletics you unleash more malicious morons than George Bush announcing a new Supreme Court nominee. We hit the mythical “5,000 hits in one day” mark with that one. We drew incoming fire from a few of the F-bombers (yawn!) but really attracted a whole bunch of new Tar Heel readers (many of whom eventually ran away when they learned we make fun of them TOO! … that Lake Norman bunch coulda warned’em). That little epistle got us on two radio shows PLUS a TV show PLUS generated its very own “Task Force”. BobLee’s lengendary “Report From Ground Zero” on 850TheBuzz is considered a landmark moment in Reality Radio.
Chancellor Oblinger heard from so many outraged Wolfpack solid citizens that he ordered a “task force” to study the situation. If anything at all comes from that bureaucratic exercise it will likely be off-the-mark and completely ignore the simplicity of the obvious solution. F-Bomb Alley is simply one easily defined cess-pool in the Fairgrounds Parking Area. Increase the uniformed security in that specific area and institute a “No Hoodlum Punkiness” Policy. Also try to keep out psycho brothers from Edgecombe County carrying 9mm with the safety off.
Last Friday we informed one and all that “Devil With The Blue Dress On” had been eliminated from the Duke cheerleaders repertoire. Since it was undoubtedly THE best adaptation of a popular song for a school spirit purpose EVER, we unleashed the full might of our media influence to correct this abomination.
The initial excuse was “it was too hard to dance to” for the Blue Devils cheer troupe. We didn’t buy that. Rub some analgesic balm in their panties, drop a couple of spiders in their hair, and slip a grasshopper down the front of their blouses … they would “gyrate” just fine in spite of themselves.
We pulled out all the stops. BobLee dashed off e-mails to all six of Leo Hart’s e-addresses. Hell, 50 freakin’ years of friendship ought be worth something. The fabled Blue Devil QB with the broken shoelace got the Yo Center built. He could handle this. Granted he still hadn’t fulfilled his earlier promise to FIX THOSE WALLY WADE RESTROOMS that he made to me over a year ago … but I knew he had been busy managing an international business empire. Usually I reach Leo at 40,000 feet over “the Pacific Rim” at 3:00 AM.
As back-up I contacted Mike Sobb. Duke’s designated celebrity golf tournament attendee and Sports Marketing Guru. I bet you thought those 10,000 rabid fans just sorta show up in Wallace Wade on those six Fall Saturdays without professional provocation, didn’t you. Mike is also known as “the Mike at Duke that doesn’t cuss a lot” … Mike is an official “good guy” and long time BobLee Buddy.
He was flummoxed at the news about “… Blue Dress”. He had been preoccupied getting a great big #4 made up to retire into the Cameron rafters real soon. He surmissed that maybe Mitch Ryder had decided to demand a royalty for Duke using his song. He did nix my earlier idea to bring in “pros” from Thee DollHouse. Apparently Eddie Cameron’s Will specifically prohibits very skanky and VERY non-virginal Duke cheerleaders in his Indoor Stadium.
Sooooo anyway … bright and early Thursday morning I hear from Iron Duke Dale that “DEVIL W/ THE BLUE DRESS ON” IS BACK! … COINCIDENCE – BWAHAHAHAHA! … and you were wondering how Duke pulled away from Herb’s boys Wed night. Even Cedric “Reincarnation of Len Bias*” Simmons was not enough to overcome the magic of the return of “…Blue Dress”. (* Len Bias reference to ON-court activity)
Quoting SSays Legal Counsel, Duke Buck: “Amazing … simply Amazing”
The Clampetts used cue sticks as pot passers in the Billy-Ard Room. Yes, this was a SSays repeat stumper.
Special Kudos to our pal, Hokie Jim. His www.the-a-line.com treatises on the Marcus Eruptions earned him the coveted “you &*%$#, you singlehandedly destroyed VaTech Football” accusation from a Hokie numbnutz.
Carolina Panther Cheerleader Update … the un-pretty one has coped a plea. The sorta pretty one is negotiating a deal to be the new American Standard Toilet Babe at the upcoming National Plumbing Convention. She will hide behind a screen and “make sex act sounds” for VIP customers. Place an order for a buncha bidets and you get your picture with her on a souvenir fake driver license.
Speaking of Panthers … Will this be the Battle Of The Jakes in Super Bowl XL?
Paul Azinger is “going after” The PGA Tour big time. This will be fun to watch. Go get’em “Zinger”.
N&O readers might recall the infamous Nicole “Bra Burner” Brodeur (aka “most cussed columnist EVER, not named Barry”). The Waaaay Leftwing Nicci is mildewing in Seattle these days. She recently reached Nirvana for her species by meeting the queen of liberal columnists, Maureen “MoDo” Dowd.