The Village (people)

January17/ 2000

 The master of cyber silliness takes you on a pulse pounding excursion into the myths, legends and worn out insults about Tar Heel Sports fans.  Set in Chapel Hill’s Napa Valley, our cast of characters includes Skippa Bowles, Sam Cassell, The Legend, Billy Armfield’s niece, Officer Swain, “the coed from Wilmington”, and Lord knows who else we might run into. … This column will get passed around quicker than a $2.00 hooker at a West Texas truck stop.

   To be sure, any insults and negative insinuations that have attached themselves to “the Carolina fan” are well earned.  Sure, those tired slurs and pop phrases are worn out and incorrect.  But when far too many “Carolina fans” insist on parading around in a glorified state of pompous arrogance one has to expect outsiders to fire away at the slightest provocation.  People laughed at Uncle Miltie dressed in drag too.

   “Carolina Fans” are no better, and no worse, than 95% of the college sports fans in America.  Unfortunately, “average” is an insult when one has been brainwashed into the mistaken belief that WHERE one endures the collegiate rite of passage really determines ones worth as a human being. It does not … never has … never will. That deeply ingrained false sense of superiority “just because” ain’t about to go away.  It’s all some sad souls have to keep them from the harsh reality that self-worth cannot be accurately measured if your fraternity house bills where charged on Daddy’s credit card.

   Several years ago the dude that writes the Rams Club magazine did a sugary sweet piece of pap calling Carolina Fans “the greatest fans in America” … gag, hack, gag, burp, vetch.  SOUTH  Carolina fans MAYBE.  South Carolina, Texas A&M, and LSU fans do occupy the rarified air of “Great Fans” … applause, applause.  All others, including our friends over in West Raleigh, are “typical fans” who’s enthusiasm and support for their program comes with very definite “conditions” and predictably ebbs and flows based on yearly fulfillment of said conditions.  

    Football “support” in Columbia, College Station, and Baton Rouge is UNconditional.  Those crazy sumbitches are going to show up and have a good time REGARDLESS!  Only a handful of schools can say that. None of which are located in the Piedmont section of North Carolina.

    How many of you have ever heard about “tea sippers” … they are Texas’ version of “wine & cheesers” … Southern Cal has the same reputation … as does Florida … as does even Georgia (although to lesser degree).  Every large state university has such a contingent and that’s not necessarily “a bad thing” at all.


Swagger’s Stumper

When WJM-TV shut down … 

what was “Murray Slaughter’s” next acting gig?


   The real heroes of any university are the men and women who further their knowledge while there and go on to “really make a difference” in the world.  

Hint: “playing professional sports” does NOT register on the “really make a difference–o-meter”.  

   NC State alum, Jim Goodnight, is a great example.  His SAS juggernaut first breathed life in an NC State computer lab.  I am pretty darn sure that Jim Goodnight does not get all likkered up at a Carter-Finley tailgate, paint his face red, and scream “F You Fat Ralph Friedgen ”.

   Would you really want to see the surgeon who is going to do brain surgery on your infant daughter on Monday morning, knee walking up the aisle in Kenan Stadium with his shirt off screaming “Duck Fuke” … how about the attorney that manages your grandfather’s multi-million $$ estate having to be restrained by ushers from diving into a pack of profane Wuffies on October 9.

   BIG NEWS … quite a few UNC (and NCSU) alumni have moved beyond the “whoopee cushion – get drunk – scream dirty words out loud” stage of their lives.  They do write great big checks to their schools … and endure insults from no-count Internet morons who worship 18 year old no-necks who can’t spell SAT if you spot them the S and the A.  Just one of those successful high achiever alums arriving late and leaving early is more of a credit to his/her school than all the Internet loons and illiterate no-necks put together.  Which is still no excuse for not wearing one’s school colors … that truly is shamefully weak regardless.      

    Yes, Sam Cassell had a point on that fateful night back in the 80s … but Skippa Bowles had made it too easy for him.  If all the fans of one “type” are concentrated in one confined area (the lower level of Dean’s Dome) then they will be noticed.  Put all of Maryland’s jackass fans in one section and say they are “typical”.  Spread them out and they “blend in”. I guarantee you I could glean thru a crowd at the RBC Center and find enough gap-toothed, battery-throwing rednecks with Skoal cans in their back pocket … herd’em together … and claim they represent “all Wolfpack fans”.  Skippa’s unique construction financing plan carried a heavy price of a legacy all Carolina fans must endure. 

   I know all about “Mack’s last game in Kenan” (I was there!) and any other “but BobLee what about” anyone wants to bring up.  Carolina Fans will behave just like any other fans under similar conditions … because they ARE just like any other fans. No better and no worse.   

   Yes … Kenan Stadium crowds are affected by campus liquor laws.  Dickie Baddour did not write those laws nor is he in charge of enforcing them.  But since the Loonie Brigade have already blamed the little fellow for the Chicago Fire, San Francisco Earthquake, Lockerbie/Pan Am, and J-Lo’s movie bomb Gigli … this is his fault too I suppose!  

    In the early 90s when that coed from Wilmington walked off the roof of Battle-Vance-Pettigrew in a drunken stupor it directly affected future Football crowds in Kenan Stadium.  Michael Hooker and the highest level of UNC Poobahs moved likkety split to enact more stringent campus consumption laws.  Had those rules not been put in place and if they are not enforced, John Edwards and his ambulance chasing cronies will be licking their chops for those 30% fees when the next student, faculty member, or “visitor” is killed or maimed in an alcohol related accident on UNC property. 

   Make a big deal over “Officer Swain” harassing Billy Armfield’s niece over her beer can.  Ignore the reality that no one was more upset and disheartened when that incident happened than UNC athletic officials. Dickie does not like Officer Swain … he never did, probably never will.

   “Dickie Baddour has taken the fun out of Carolina Football” is as profoundly stupid as “Dickie Baddour does not care if Carolina Football is successful”.  Any moron that says, thinks, or posts such idiocy should be dragged out and beaten, stuffed in a sack and thrown into the river. I want a new Athletics Director at UNC ASAP but for much sounder reasons than such silliness.  

   If John Bunting, or whoever, fields exciting teams that play consistently competitive football the Carolina fan base will respond in an affirmative fashion … just as the Wuffies are doing in their current “revival”.  28,000 season tickets based on the past two seasons is actually a pretty amazing accomplishment.  

   I have season tickets to UNC Football (plus I usually see at least 3 NCSU games each year) but I never sit in my seat because I visit good friends all over the stadium … I roam thru “Napa Valley” – Kenan’s infamous “wine & cheese” country between the 40s.  Yes, I can find obtuse examples of “that stereotype” … and I also see plenty of folks really “into the game” and emoting appropriate to the flow of the game.  

   Recall that moronic Internet statement “Too many Carolina Fans consider a football game to be a social event”.  I will use that stoopidity in my ALIVE shows for years to come.  Gawd bless us everyone Tiny Tim … Attending a college football game IS, and should be, a “social event” enjoyed by/with good friends and considered a diversion from the required tedium of raising a family and making a living. Enjoy the color and pageantry and consider a win as icing on the cake of a delightful Autumn afternoon on an arboreal greensward.   

   This website has not YET reached the circulation saturation to effectively jerk a knot in the worn-out flatulence that permeates both UNC and NCSU sports.  The Al and Bud Bundys in both fan bases will drone on and on for it is their sad plight to do so … the last original comment I read from either side had something to do with Uncle Gut eating popcorn or was it about Les Robinson’s sweater?


Han Solo won The Millenium Falcon from Lando Calrissean in a disputed card game.  You don’t encounter too many guys named Lando Calrissean much these days … at least not where I travel.

Wilson Rotary next Monday … Greensboro Kiwanis a week from Thursday.

On a national map … New York, Las Vegas, and Los Angeles are on the Fall calendar.

Kid’s appearance in Saturday’s column has apparently necessitated her immediate entry into the Embarrassed Teenager Protection Program.  The family cat thinks she is being quite silly and is demanding equal exposure.

Any problems negotiating this site … contact BLS directly at the address below.

Comments & Questions

[email protected]

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x