The Silly Saga of Huggy The Ex-Bearcat

January17/ 2000

… In my odd little world one lives for such foolishness as The Silly Saga of Huggy Bear.  In a post-Tarkanian world of college basketball, one man came to represent the sham and the shame of it all – Bob Huggins @ Univ of Cincinnati.  “Huggy The Bearcat” was reknown for his thoroughness – NONE of his Mandingo Warriors EVER graduated.  AND, If this ship of fools needed a cabin boy, it got one … Daisy Duke’s boy toy – Nick Lachey.

    In our never-ending game of 98 Degrees of BL Swagger … yes, I have met Bob Huggins.  Several years ago at The Jimmy V Celebrity Golf Classic, Bob and I met.  He scored a Hole-In-One that year and among my various entrepreneurial enterprises is a Hole-In-One commemorative plaque.  I sent him one.  I can only assume, as he cleared out his office on Wednesday, “my plaque” was carefully stored in a cardboard box.  I found him to be quite affable and a pretty typical representative of his breed – Big Time College Coach (BTCC).  

   I’ve met a bunch of these BTCC guys (Big Time College Coaches) over the years.  Contrary to the legend of Ye Olde Legend In The Basement, none of them ever discuss Kierkegaard.  Unless Kierkegaard is the name of that cheerleader with the bodacious ta-tas.  These guys are “men’s men” in the old days meaning of that term … not the metro-sexual version.  NOT AT ALL!     

   They know they can make a bunch of money if they win a bunch of games over a bunch of years.  They know winning a bunch of games will attract a bunch of sycophant fans eager to get a photo-op with the winning-a-bunch coach.  They know those fans have an autograph Sharpie in one hand and a back-stabbing knife in the other hand.  They know the faculty squirrels and administrative flunkies at their schools don’t like them very much.  Win-A-Bunch Coaches make more $$$ than entire academic departments, drive nicer cars, and, as always, get the hotter chicks.  These “smart white men” also know that you do NOT win a bunch of games in Big Time College Basketball with “smart white boys” … the tried and true formula is 95% Mandingo Warrior with the occasional Lithuanian.  Bob “Huggy The Bearcat” Huggins knew the rules and was/is quite good at the game.

   If you recall, last February I did an update of Chase The Legend and revealed that Huggy The Bearcat was on track to eventually pass Deano, Bobby, K-Rat, Lute, Tubby, Boeheim, et al in total career wins.  Huggy got started as a head coach in his late 20s and hit the 25/per rate earlier than most.  When Huggy got to Cincinnati in 1989 he found Bearcat loyalists starved for a return to the glory days of Oscar and Ed Jucker.  They told Huggy to “win” and they didn’t much care how.  They turned Huggy loose and loose is how Huggy likes it.    

   Bob Huggins is a “big ol boy” about 6’5” and 240 with Wayne Newton’s hairstylist.  In fact he kinda favors Dancha Schoen a lot except Huggy is usually pictured yelling instead of crooning.

    A few years ago the NCAA got fascinated by “graduation rates” of “student-athletes”.  Huggy likes “graduation rate” geeks like moonshiners like revenooers.  Unless one sneaked by in the past 2 years, ain’t nary a one of Huggy’s boys EVER come close to graduating.  Huggy was/is from the Tarkanian, Steve Fisher, Nolan Richardson School of Team Building.  No Indiana farmboys for him.  It was all Mandingo Warriors from “the mean streets”.  You can’t put John Thompson in that category because Big John did legitimately stress academics with his boys.  Huggy stressed “don’t get caught” as he turned his testosterone-overloaded high jumping warriors loose on a campus filled with all sorts of stuff to steal or have sex with.  Alas, not all of Huggy’s boys took his advice.  Many did indeed “get caught” raping and pillaging over the years.

   BTCCs like Huggy know the rules.  Until you get your name on something other than a parking space … preferably a building like a Dome or at least “a court” … your sweetheart of a deal is in jeopardy.  A BTCC needs either of two things in his backpocket at all times:

  1.  A goofy doofus of a Chancellor and/or University Top Dawg.
  2.  A filthy rich loud mouth galoot who loves you on the Board of Trustees

 Otherwise there’s the outside chance someone is gonna wake up and smell the coffee one day and your little “you just said WIN!” scam is kaput.  Hopefully if that happens its one of the 3 days each week that the LA Clippers are looking for their next coach so your bank account doesn’t suffer.  Huggy lost his goofy doofus.

    Huggy shoulda seen it coming when UCincy got a gal, Nancy Zimpher, as it’s Prez two years ago.  Unless the gal has a kinky fetish for sweaty Mandingo Warriors, it’s usually a bad sign for guys like Huggy when a gal gets in office.  To make matters worse, Huggy tied on a snootful and got busted for DWI.  What happened Wednesday was pretty much ordained as soon as Huggy blew a 2.0 on that Cincinnati roadside.

   Madame Prez set to work building a case against Huggy.  

  •  His players never ever graduated or even tried to
  •  He never cut down the nets in April
  •  His players spent more time in jail than in class
  •  He looked too much like Wayne Newton
  •  He got drunk and got caught
  •  He wouldn’t give her a pedicure and call her Madame Prez

   Madame Prez called a presser on Monday announcing that Huggy could either quit or be fired.  Either way he was guaranteed enough of UCincy’s $$$ to finance full scholarships for 652+ legitimate students.  Huggy quicky called his shyster lawyer who was playing video poker at a Kentucky truckstop. A deal was cut and the UCincy locksmith was quickly dispatched to Huggy’s lair to make it official.  Huggy’s Mandingo Warriors are, of course, scattering quicker than a covey of quail in a South Georgia bean field.

    From our “You Guessed It” Department … The Goggle-eyed Bearcat Loonies are going full-bore ape sh*t against Prez Nancy.  Talk shows and message boards are en fuego as illiterate no life huff and puffs rage against the establishment. Like utility companies after a hurricane, sports loonies from within a 500 mile radius of UCincy are converging on The River City to help Bearcat loonies stand outside local Hooters and yell obscene limericks about Prez Nancy.

   In a riverfront community famed for Marge Shott and her crapping St Bernard, Pete Rose’s head first slides and bets, and very ugly professional football uniforms, this one had to have a clincher … it does.

   The local fish wrapper, The Cincinnati Enquirer goes to the most celebrated and distinguished Bearcat fan for his take on Affair De’Huggy Bear – Jessica Simpson’s Boy Toy – Nick Lachay.  Nick, of course, did not attend UCincy but he did wear a Bearcat ballcap on his Nick & Jessica TV reality show.  Other than supposedly deflowering the horse-faced Texas Trollop, Nick’s claim to fame was being in a boy band – 98 Degrees.  He’s not exactly a Nobel Laureate or Pulitzer winner but UCincy ain’t exactly Harvard either.  Besides, with umpteen appearances on the cover of PEOPLE and KEEN TEEN magazine, Nick was UCincy’s most famous ballcap wearer.

   SURPRISE SURPRISE … Nick was 100% on Huggy’s side.  In his surprisingly well-written response to Affair De’Huggy he lambasted Madame Prez and her cohorts for dissing his main man Huggy.  One can only imagine the quizzical look on Prez Nancy’s face as she read his verbal assault … “Who is this Nick person?”

   Imagine the N&O asking Dan Cortese for his opinion when Mad Matt was canned? … How did John Tesh feel about Les Robinson? … Does Sandra Bullock like Skip Holtz?

   Weep not for the displaced Huggy.  He will collect UCincy mega-$$$ for several years plus win-starved ADs and college admins with kinky fetishes for sweaty Mandingo warriors are lining up at Huggy’s door as we speak.  BTCC like Huggy, Tark, Fisher are like trashy porno magazines.  Everyone says they don’t read’em, but someone ALWAYS buys them.

   I haven’t checked but knowing Wuff Loonies as I do, you gotta figure a batch of those goggle-eyed fruit bats would sell their sister to have Huggy replace Herb ASAP.


 Swagger’s Stumper

 Who did UCincy defeat for their Two NCAA Championships?


    Mr Ed and Frances The Talking Mule were Hollywood’s two talking equines.  As one astute SSays reader noted “there have been MANY talking jackasses”.

    Our Tar Heel Prediction column did indeed rattle a few cages in Loon City.  But, as always, our base constituency remains among adults with IQs larger than their shoe size so we shall stay in business.

   Huggy gets fired and Dave Bliss may get Hired.  The former Baylor Very Bad Boy is the leading candidate to coach a CBA team in North Dakota.  Ya can’t make this stuff up!

    We’ll be on-site for our 12th Annual Jimmy V Celebrity Golf Classic on Sunday.  Swaggy will get his annual hug from Pam Valvano and Kid will discuss High School life with “Mr Belding” from “Saved By The Bell”.  Lots of BTCC, Mandingo Warriors, and Hockey guys will be around Prestonwood CC checking out the bodacious ta-tas. … Life Is Good!

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