The Nickname Nuts & Hockey

January17/ 2000

… Sure, you think you’ve heard all the angles about Hockey’s future, and 1,000 words from now you will be correct.  Swagg’s proposal will knock your bouncy ponytail off.  ….The SSays mailbox has been overflowing with reader concerns about the NCAA’s new crackdown on team nicknames, and rightly so.  Will any local schools likely be targeted? … only the ones with kook fringe factions.  If that fits your school … BE AFRAID – BE VERY AFRAID!

    Our treatise on the UNC System did indeed attract considerable attention.  Three days AFTER BobLee proposed Skippa’s boy, Ersky, as a “not totally unacceptable choice”, the N&O jumped on that bandwagon too.  Several ultra right-wing neo fascist insurgency groups have also praised BobLee on-point analysis of the situation.

>>> The Nickname Nuts <<<

   The NCAA spineless weinees are caving in to the Nickname Nuts who want to get rid of “offensive” team nicknames.  

   Don’t label the Nickname Nuts as Liberals or even “the politically correct crowd” because those are both misnomers.  The Nickname Nuts are nothing but disenfranchised societal outcasts aka “losers”.  Akin to the PETA crowd, they are the dorks and nerds that did NOT understand computers.  This is the bunch that not only missed the prom and wouldn’t undress for PE, but could not even get elected 3rd vice president of the A-V Club.  Got the picture? … nose pickers … dandruff eaters … non-bathers … they had a chance to amount to something, they blew it and now want to “get even” against those of us who did amount to something.

   Yes, these clowns are usually associated with Liberal Democrats. The LibDems, desperate for voters and running out of tombstones, will accept any mirror fogging, kook fringe loonies they can snare in their drag nets.  “Grab a picket sign and a pair of Birkenstocks and follow Howard Dean to the Land of The Lost … YEEEEE HAA”.  Legitimate Democrat ideologues laugh at these pathetic kook factions just like the rest of us do.

   The Nickname Nuts are going after all the Indian names again and have grabbed Myles Brand by the short hairs.  Myles shot his backbone wad fighting Bobby Knight at Indiana.  He is all out of “spine”. 

   Could Tar Heels, Wolfpack, or Blue Devils be next?  Absolutely.  Don’t think for a nano second that because some of these nuts are on the payroll of these institutions that that matters to them.  They could wipe out “Tar Heels” AND Silent Sam while goofy ol’ Meezie is looking for his “Go Cornhuskers button!”  Wolves are an endangered species, Devils and Deacons are “religious symbols” and Pirates raped and pillaged too much.  Don’t laugh, these kooks are quite insane.

   Consider these kooks as societal terrorists.  There is no noble purpose.  They simply want to disrupt and even destroy the society they will never fit into. They don’t care about some Seminole being offended or a Ute feeling ridiculed. Geronimo and Hiawatha be damned.  It’s never been about “the poor ridiculed Indians” any more than the PETA nuts care about puppy mills or corn-fed veal. It’s all about “the Nuts” getting headlines.  They won’t stop at this silly nickname issue. 

   PETA is now targeting “fishing” as too painful to the fish.  The Nickname Nuts are jealous of the media attention that the PETA nuts get.

   These kooks have always been “outsiders” unwilling to conform to mainstream society’s broadest parameters.  It was their choice not to find a seat at the adult table.  

   It would be nice to think that mainstream society, both Democrats and Republicans, would eventually draw a line in the sand and say THAT’S ENOUGH … It’s over Kooks … no more pandering to your stoopid idiocies … Find a seat on the bus with the rest of us or we’re tossing you under it … count of three … 1 … 2 …

>>> Hockey’s Future <<<

    The National Hockey League has settled its quite silly war between the Serbo-Croatian millionaires named Serge and the billionaire owners.  Final score Billionaire Owners – 1 … Serbo-Croatian Millionaires Players – 0.  The head of the NHL Players Association immediately resigned to manage Rafael Palmeiro’s Hall of Fame campaign.  The NHLPA turned down a proposal a year ago that was better on every issue than the one they finally accepted.

    What does this all mean for Hockey and its primary objective of making “the Triangle region of North Carolina” a “WORLD CLASS” region?  

    Jim Rutherford, Chuck Kaiton, and the management staff of the Carolina Hurricanes are some of THE nicest sports people I have ever met.  Not a jackass in the bunch.  The vast majority of the players are likewise great ambassadors for their sports and for this franchise.  A few have been your basic spoiled punks but that’s to be expected.  Give most 22 year olds with an 8th grade education a million dollars and the chance of a few clinkers is high.  The Hurricane on-site staff deserve a break.  They won’t get one.

    Remember my story about the Dallas Blackhawks of the early 80s?  They teetered on the bringe of bankruptcy for several years and 6,000 hard core fans annually urged them to “stick it out” it would eventually take hold.  There were 6.000 hard core hockey fans in Dallas.  Not 6001, just 6,000.  The team finally folded.  Ten years later the Dallas area had added 500,000 additional residents including enough hockey fans to make the relocated Minnesota North Stars viable. 

    When the Hurricanes had their “miracle Stanley Cup season” in 2003, I really thought that incredible stroke of good fortune would ignite interest in the franchise.  Owner Peter Karmanos hired a local gladhander, Jim Cain, to twist arms and cajole the area’s corporate decision-makers to buy season tickets.  Cain did a pretty good job. Karmanos figured he had gotten his use out of Cain so he treated him like crap and ran him off.  Cain is now Ambassador to The Netherlands.

    Peter Karmanos is not an evil, ruthless sports franchise owner.  He is a pro sports franchise owner.  The “evil ruthless” part is a given.  He will eventually sell it to some delusional group of suckers with a larger credit line than good sense.  There are lots of those types “out there” if you know where to look.  Peter knows.  It is Peter’s right to do what he wants to with The Hurricanes.  IT’S A BUSINESS.  He does not “owe” the community or the fans a thing.

    Hockey has about 5.000 serious fans in “the Triangle”.  Bless their hearts. 12,000 warm bodies in the 19,000 seat RBC Center is cause for high fives in the owners box.  And this was just two years after “the Stanley Cup miracle” and BEFORE the “lost season”.  Those same “hockey fans” watched Lyle Wildgoose at Dortion Arena in the late 90s … and would again.

    A corporate mogul pal of mine was excited when the ‘Canes came to town because “now I have somewhere to take clients other than The Angus Barn and Thee DollHouse”.  .

    The 5,000 “Caniacs” will all show up when the Canes play the Panthers or the Canucks or the Sharks or the Pottstown Whozits.  5,000 people in this market really care about hockey and understand “icing” like the rest of us understand “the infield fly rule” and “3 seconds”.   I will show up if Butch or Norwood score some comps and call me.  Of course I would meet Butch or Norwood on the courthouse steps to spit and whittle if they called.  Hockey has nothing to do with my enjoying BSing with my buddies.  We don’t even watch the game from our $75 free seats at center ice … we check out chicks in lowriders and play rock, paper, scissors for who goes and gets the next beer.

    Hockey 2005 has no recognizable “stars” to anyone not a hockey nut.  Unlike the NBA, the players are the same general ethnicity as the prime audience demographic but all the players look alike … Michelin Men on skates.  Karmanos could sew on the names Gretzky, Hull, Orr, Richard, Geoffrion, LaFleur, Messier, and Dryden and only a handful of hard cores would know or care.  None of the players “went to school” around here … “grew up” around here … or can spell Mattamuskett … which qualifies them to be President of The Consolidated University of North Carolina but who would pay $75 to watch Molly Broad ice skate or sip high tea at The Carolina Inn?

    I am a much better than average sports trivia authority.  I cannot name ten current NHL players or feel I should be able to.  This isn’t Detroit, Chicago, Boston, or Edmonton and most of us appreciate that it isn’t.

    The NHL has made some “rule changes” to bring excitement to the game … yawn!  They moved “the blue line” 3’ … not exactly raising the basket to 12’ or shortening the bases to 60’ and adding a shortfielder.  If they want to bring excitement to this area, here are some suggestions:

  • Change the game from ice hockey to indoor girls soccer and bring back Arena Football.
  • Forget Serbo-Croatians named Serge … go with pretty girls in satin shorts with big smiles and bouncy ponytails.

    The Triangle already has more chick soccer fans than it does hockey fans.  But outdoor soccer is a snoozer for anyone not born in Manchester or Rio de Janeiro or who doesn’t have a kid playing soccer.  Move the bouncy ponytails INDOORS where they will score 10-12 goals a game and run around hugging each other.  Charge a maximum of $25 for the best seat in the building.  Pay the “superstars” $100,000 and the rest a lot less but more than they can make as cosmetologists or “nail technicians”. 

    My corporate mogul pal can take his client and get much of the same “dirty old man” kicks he would get at the nudie bar and won’t have to lie to his wife where they went.  Me and Butch and Norwood might even PAY for tickets to watch.  Pretty girl athletes in satin shorts and bouncy ponytails scoring lots of goals … even beats lowriders on tattooed biker babes.

   The same ownership of the Indoor Chick Soccer Team should buy an Arena League Football team too and fill the RBC with combo games.  Arena Football has proven its “staying power” and, if nothing else, it will keep T.A. McLendon off that Albemarle street corner.  Pay them just like the bouncy ponytails.  What’s T.A.’s value now?  Can his hands hold a shovel or a broom without dropping it?

   The earlier Arena Football team in Raleigh (The Cobras) was owned by a sleazy bunch of integrity deficient con men.  Have Jim Goodmon and Jim Goodnight share the ownership of this new venture.  Goodmon can run the business side with his Durham Bulls folks … and Goodnight can deliver the entire 50,000 people in Cary by simply telling them to be there.

   The Triangle has a quality of life matched by very few places in America.  This already is a “world class place to live and work”.  It needs the National Hockey League like Bill Clinton needs Levitra.  

   I know the above will never happen.  I will also bet you that the NHL is gone from “the Triangle” within 2 years either by league compaction or new ownership moving it to a viable hockey market.


Swagger’s Stumper

Who was Hamilton Burger’s nemesis?


   Dr Zorba’s symbols were Man – Woman – Birth –Death – Infinity.  We’ll ask this again in two more years.  Eventually you all will get it.

    Denver was quite cool.  That westward view is still pretty spectacular.  BobLee was just south of Denver in Castle Rock.  Had breakfast at, of course, WAFFLE HOUSE.  Knew it was a good one as the entire word HOUSE was burned out in the sign.    

    Lots of attention for our rant about the UNC System.  Plenty of first time readers saying “Who in the hell is this guy BobLee Swagger?”  hehehehehe!

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