The Great WHAT IF!

January17/ 2000

… The OFFICIAL Last Column About The Derm Mess For A While (unless something REALLY big happens) ….. About 30 seconds after “The Derm Mess” first hit the headlines (can you remember that far back?), amateur pundits and your Aunt Sadie all began posing The Great “What If”.  Now that this glorious mess has had time to season and develop its cast of characters … let play The Great “What If”.  You know the one … (drum roll please) … “WHAT IF it had been a team of BLACK athletes and a WHITE “college (honor) student and single mother of two”? …Ready?  Let’s play.

The following story is, like Mike Nifong’s “silver bullet” incriminating evidence, purely FICTION.

Exotic Dancer Accuses NCCU Football Team of

Rape, Sexual Assault and calling her “a Cracker B*tch”

Derm County District Attorney Mike Nifong announced today that a dental hygienist student at Derm Tech and single mother of two was raped and sexually assaulted by 40 members of the NC Central football team at a private party on March 13.  The victim, and a gal pal of equal ethnic purity, are employees of a local exotic Appalachian Clogging club.

Hired to “clog exotically” for the African-American gridders at a post-midnight soiree, the victim, according to Mr Nifong, was held against her will in a bathroom of the rented house and discovered “what ‘they say’ about all black guys was indeed true”.  She fainted from fright and awakened to find her fingernails were missing.

Every member of the team, except Felipe the Brazilian long-snapper, voluntarily gave DNA samples which Nifong says “will definitely prove they are ALL guilty or at least enough of them for me to make a name for myself.”

“The DNA samples will for sure prove they are guilty, unless they don’t, in which case we will indict them anyway because (1) they are black, (2) she is white and (3) I’m running for election.”

   “We showed the pretty little girl a bunch of NBA media guides and she said “that’s them” except for Dirk Nowitzki.  Since Dirk is German we can’t arrest him. The cook in our jail doesn’t know how to make strudel.” 

   “All the players are probably from poor urban backgrounds.  Their mommas are all crack whores and their fathers are, well let’s just say unavailable for comment aka “in solitary”.  95% of’em have lengthy rap sheets and the remaining 5% will have eventually.”


College Officials Quick To Respond

NCCU Chancellor James Ammons, when told of the charges, said “Uh oh” and called in Football Coach Rod Broadway to tell him he was resigning.

Broadway said “You are resigning?”

“No, said Clancellor Ammons, “You are.”  

   “Why?” said Coach Broadway.

“I’m not sure” said Chancellor Ammons. “But that’s what those elitist white schools always do in cases like this.”

“But I know my boys and they wouldn’t do something like this” Broadway retorted.

   “Oh come on Coach … (1) they’re black, (2) she is blond and white, and (3) the DA is running for election.  Besides, you know what “they say”… all black guys’ DNA looks alike.”  

   “Yeah I guess so.  I hear those DNA tests are pretty conclusive. OK, I quit.”  


Trailer Trash White Clogger Falsely Accuses College (Honor) Students

   The News & Observer has learned (well actually “prefers to believe”) that the no-account trailer trash white clogger (aka hooker) who has falsely accused those poor under-privileged young African-Americans of sexually assaulting her had to be lying since otherwise we would have to accuse the black guys and unless it’s black-on-black crime we don’t, as a matter of editorial policy, do that. Those stories can get “icky”.

The no-account trailer trash white clogging hooker, whose name by the way is Amber Wilson , lives in Willow Glen Trailer Park, Lot 15, in Rougemont.  Her trailer is a double-wide with a tip-out and costs “maybe” $1,000,000 if that’s possible.  She has a prior history of jay-walking and prefers country music over hip-hop and various other racist tendencies probably.  One or maybe both of her kids sniff glue at kindergarten.  Her father, Everett C. Wilson once played in the Jimmy V Golf Classic so he’s probably a crook too.

We got ahold of her Derm Tech transcript and she made a “C” in Bicuspid last quarter proving she is a slackard.  And, not that it matters (wink, wink), but she and her daddy are both registered Republicans … yuck, ptui!

The N&O’s crackerjack ethnopologically ambivalent columnist, Barry “Bojangles” Saunders says Fred Sanford never mentioned cloggers  “so ‘sweet thang’ and me thinks they must be bad people.  She probably likes JJ Reddick too, so she should rot in hell.”

She probably led these poor boys on with her flirtatious ways.  Maybe she was dressed like a cheerleader and might have even worn a toe ring.

Even if the DNA proves all 40 of’em had their way with her, Rougemont doesn’t have enough potential subscribers or advertisers for us to worry about so “the N&O officially believes the black (honor) students didn’t do it” … even if they did, what the heck … nobody likes us anyway.        

Now, if by “black guy” they meant Jim Black, then we think he probably DID do it.   Meredith Norris was “the 3rd clogging hooker” at the party too, maybe?


CNN’s Exclusive Interview w/ White Trailer Trash Clogger #2 …

    “Good evening, this is Nancy Grace.  Is my cleavage showing enough?  We have an exclusive interview tonight with Mavis Osborn, known professionally as “Little Egypt”.  Mavis, like that lying skanky friend of hers, was at that charity fund-raiser /prayer meeting sponsored by the NC Central Football team last week.  

“Mavis, why are you and that lying Amber trying to hurt the reputations of these fine young men.”  

    “Let’s get something straight here Nancy.  I am a no-account trailer trash clogger who is so ugly I only get hired to clog at “black guy parties”.  My meth habit runs me $1,200/week.  I’ll do or say anything, and I mean anything, for a few dead presidents and a pack of Juicy Fruit.  Wire $200 to my account at the Siler City Bank & Tanning Salon and tell me what you want me to say.”

   “Wow, this is even better than interviewing Howard Dean.  Tell our ever-declining audience how that lying skank drove those innocent boys into an uncontrollable rage and how she, not them, should be charged with the crime.”

   “Wow yourself.  You want a whopper that big, it’ll cost you another $50.”

   “We’ll be back with Little Egypt after this word from whatever sponsors haven’t left us for FoxNews.”


Aryan Bubbas Support Trailer Trash Clogger

 Lester “Stonewall” Kumquat, Imperial Grand Guffoon of The New Aryan Bubbas, will bring a flat-bed truckload of his “associates” to Derm on Monday to join the circus known as “That Lying White Clogger (in the $1,000,000 double-wide) vs The Innocent Black (Honor) Students”..

“Me and the boys are comin’ to show Amber that we believe whatever she says whether it’s true or not.  Hellfire, she’s a lil ol’ white gal and they’re a bunch of Mandingos … why waste $$$ on a trial.  We got a trailer hitch and a logging chain and we know how to use’em.  We talked to that Nifong fella and alls he wanted to know was if any of our boys are registered to vote in Derm County.  Cletus and his idiot brutha “One-eyed Ralph” said they ‘might be’ which was good enuff for Nifong.  Get a rope!”

    “We got us new uniforms we’ll be wearing for the first time.  They are orange coveralls that the guys got to keep when they broke out of county jail up in Wynona KY last month.  They replaces those old Eye-talian army surplus unis we been wearing for years.”

“What do we want?  Beer and BBQ!  When do we want it?  Right Now!  

Redneck Power … Redneck Power!”


Local Village Idiot Miffed At Lack of Personal Publicity

Local Derm village idiot Victor Peterpiper complains he has not gotten enough camera time during the hullabaloo over that lying skanky clogger’s false rape charges.

“Gosh darn it. It ain’t fair.  I weigh 400 lbs … I’m cross-eyed … I have a hare-lip … and I always show up riding a jackass backwards and waving ‘the Stars & Bars’.  What’s a village idiot got to do to get on Bill O’Reilly’s Show these days”.

Peterpiper has run unsuccessfully for various public offices a record 47 times without ever getting a single vote.  Asked why he doesn’t even vote for himself, Peterpiper laughed “I may be an idiot, but I’m not stoopid.”

So, there you go … The Great “What If” has been answered.

But wait a gosh darn minute there BobLee.  It’s still a bunch of cockamamie idgits all acting incredibly foolish.  Yeah, I know.  One key element did not change.

It’s still in Derm.

Until ONE level-headed local adult stands up and says “ENOUGH”, The City of Derm will continue to be “The Municipal Laughingstock of The Western Hemisphere”.

>>><<<  >>><<<  >>><<<  >>><<<

In an unrelated, but timely and embarrassingly TRUE, story … two former Derm Housing Authority officials” were found guilty last week of scamming over $2,000,000 from federal grants to purchase “gold rings, bouquets (bouquets???), and other personal stuff”.  This brings the total of corrupt (and/or incompetent) local Derm officials to “more than the grains of sand on the beach”.

Begging again the comparison of Derm to New Orleans (without the food, music, or any other redeemable features).

“Yes, but” boasted local spin-loonie Reyn Bowman “we have more skanky hookers per capita than they do.” 

Asked why he didn’t seem to care about “this case”, Mike Nifong chuckled “You’re kidding, right?” 


It is our sincere intent to leave Derm alone to wallow in its sordid mess for awhile.  Obviously “all hell” could break loose any day requiring a Swaggerian perspective.  If Mikey Nifong decides to leave Derm to be DA of Aruba and add additional incompetence to that Natalee Holloway sad mess we will let you know.


Swagger’s Stumper

Rowdy Yates was “Ramrod” … Who was the “Trail Boss”?


Claudine Longet (ex-Mrs Andy Williams) popped a cap on Spyder Sabich.

Want to e-mail BobLee?

[email protected]

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