The Good, The Bad, The Coordinators

January17/ 2000

Did Knute Rockne have “coordinators” … how about Lombardi … Fielding Yost … Red Blaik … George Thompson … Duffy Daugherty … George Halas … Tom Reed?  Isn’t Football still  “our 11 against your 11” and who can block, tackle, kick, pass, and run “betterer” over four quarters.  The first “coordinators” I remember were Bobby “Death Penalty” Collins and “Papa” Lee Haley in the mid 60s. BobLee examines football’s “hot seat job”. 

   Debunking “the myth” … There are no such positions as “Offensive and Defensive Coordinators”.  These titles were simply created by Rick Brewer’s cousin, Marvin, a bored SID at Ogelthorpe College in 1962.  Marvin was a visionary and forsaw the development of the Internet.  He realized that the Lunatic Fringe would need as many straw dogs to hate and defile as possible.  Head Coaches and Athletic Directors can absorb only so much “pure undiluted venomous bile”.  Ergo, “the Coordinator” was created to siphon off a % of that venom.

   The term “Coordinator” was chosen because “poor sap”, “stoopid sumbitch”, “incompetent jackass”,  “N&O sportswriter” and “Dickie Baddour” were already taken.  Imagine the possibilities if Gary Tranquil was UNC’s “Offensive Dickie Baddour”.  But then Norm Chow would have to be “Southern Cal’s Dickie Baddour” and that hardly seems fair.

   Norm Chow is listed in Guiness’ Book as the ONLY “Coordinator” who has never had his mother’s marital status questioned on the Internet.  Mike Stoops shared that distinction on the defensive side until last year’s OU vs K-State game. A 14 y/o zit-faced gombah from Midwest City OK let Bob’s brother “have it” midway the 3rd quarter. Since Bob and Mike purportedly share the same mother, this begged the question if Mike is a “stoopid sumbitch” as Defensive Coordinator can Bob be “one smart sumbitch” since as brothers they sprang from the same “bitch”.  That question was made moot a few weeks later when the Sooners stunk up the SuperDome versus Lydia’s LSU Tigers.  

   Bob Stoops’ own stock fell precipitously for a 36 hour period.  Mother Stoops’ virtue was hung out to dry in SoonerLand.

   Tar Heel fans have become quite adept at hanging coordinators out to “twist in the wind” while pummeling their wretched bodies with arrows, barbs, and assorted obscenities. Franklin Street historians are still debating whether Dave Huxtable or Steve Marshall rates as UNC’s MOST HATED Coordinator.  The solution seems to be that both should have served on Dick Crum’s staff so “Most Hated Coordinators” and “Most Hated Head Coach” could have served together.  

   That Dick Crum was given his “lifetime contract” by UNC’s MOST LOVED Athletics Director (J Swofford) is the ultimate Tar Heel conundrum.  Surely The Dickster can somehow be linked to that world class personnel blunder.  Since “facts” are never a factor in these “hate’em fests” lets revise history and say it was “Dickie’s doing”.  There … I feel better already. Don’t you?

   As is so often the case, UNCers and Wuffies are alike in so many many ways.  Noel Mazzone and Marty Galbraith (now at Duke!) have been accused of every strategic malfeasance imaginable by disconsolate Lupine loyalists.  That Noel is personally responsible for TA’s endless assortment of “owies” and “dropsies” is befitting the plight of “the coordinator”.  My buddy Beowolf already has Mazzone along with Todd Turner, Larry Monteith, Pete Golenbock and MO’C in his Wuff Hall of Anti-heroes.

   Chuck did not have a “Defensive Coordinator” for several years until Reggie Herring rode in from his several dozen career stops (stops at which he was given “the Huxtable treatment” coincidentally).  Reggie is “the savior” today but this ain’t his first rodeo.  Ol’ Reg knows if Brock Berlin and/or Wyatt Sexton light up the C-F scoreboard over the next few weeks, Herring will be spelled M-U-D really quick.

   Apparently, in the deluded mind of the goggle-eyed, spittle spewing lunatic fringer, a “coordinator” has more power than a Duvalier in Haiti.  At UNC the Head Coach gets the Sallie Brown Memorial fish tank … but the “Coordinators” have total absolute control over every play, every defensive set, every personnel move, and every PMS color blue used in helmet and jersey design.  John is totally out of the loop; in fact, that headset that he wears on the sidelines is really connected to a walkman playing Pink Floyd’s “Wall” CD.  Yep, some fellow on TheTarPit swears thats a fact!

   Do ya think John Bunting even has a say so on which kind of Krispy Kremes they have at that early morning coaching meetings or is that totally a Tranq call too?  Do Gutekunst and Sanders have to agree on who sits where on the team bus … what with them being “Co-Coordinators”.

   I love these great ongoing debates … “Do we fire Bunting now or wait until the next commercial?”  The “wait until the next commercial” crowd keeps saying how much they “like John” … BUT “can’t stand his Coordinators” … some refuse to acknowledge that Dave Huxtable is long gone and prefer to blame ol’ Hux for the Utah record breaker.  “Tranq”, of course, is “too old” and has “funny ears”.  If John had had more head coaching experience he would have surely known that Off Coordinators with funny ears are waaaay too predictable in their play calling.  It’s a fact … look it up!       

   For the record, the buck stops in the office with the fish tank.  Pete Carroll is as responsible for USC’s offense as Chuck Amato is for NSCU’s defense as John Bunting is for every aspect of UNC’s football program.  Nothing happens on a Head Coach’s watch that he is not responsible for … shoplifting, dope smoking, Twinkie stealing, goal line stands, doughnuts, color blue, et al … The Good, The Bad, The Coordinated.      


Swagger’s Stumper

Sticking with the “Susie” theme …

What happened to “Ebony Eyes”?


“Where did “Little Susie” fall asleep?” has created bedlam in SwaggerLand.  I always thought it was “in a movie theater” but many interpreted the ambiguous lyrics as “a drive-in movie”, “lovers lane”, or (gasp) “on her boy friends sofa”.  Everyone did agree that Susie and her honey were “… in trouble deep”.

Oh … “George Thompson” listed in the opening paragraph was the legendary Head FB Coach at Kinston’s Grainger High School in the early 60s.  His “Coordinators” were North Carolina coaching legend Ed Emory and former Duke TE Zoph Potts.  As Head Coach, Coach Thompson received full credit for the exploits of phenom Leo Hart.

BobLee spent Monday with the delightful Nancy Lopez … the absolute NICEST professional golf legend in the history of Earth.  Mrs Ray Knight reaffirmed her annual claim that Mr Swagger knows more sports trivia than any body she has ever met.  Just because I knew that Nancy’s hubby, Ray, replaced Pete Rose at 3rd base for Cincinnati.

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