The Gimghoul Conundrum

January17/ 2000
 Like a Downeast Shriners Fishfry; The KKK Affair simmered over a white-hot flame all weekend … bubbling and regurgitating all manner of historical and hysterical hypotheses.  “KKK” is Kobe, Kupchak, and Krzyzewski of course.  BobLee ventured into “the belly of the beast” the 15-501 bypass and discovered, not unexpectedly, that his old adversary – The Gimghoul Starchamber – is in special session and burning the midnight bile.

   Longtime Swagger-ophiles are quite familiar with this sinister cabal that Swagger first exposed over four years ago.  See SwaggerSays Archives … October 2, 2002 (bottom of archive page)


NOTE:  Within seconds of the “K will Stay” announcement Monday afternoon, the whole mess was officially branded “a classless PR stunt” by a Gimghoul spokeman speaking on promise of anonyminity and  maybe a new high speed cable modem.

“Ya think we hated him BEFORE … just wait & see what this does …” screamed a head spinning goggle-eyed yahoo from the Gimghoul Castle turret.


   NASCAR – National Alliance of Silly Conspiracies And Rumors dispatched an emissary to Gimghoul notifying them that they were red-lining dangerously close to the Hate-cap.  Much like pro sports “salary cap” NASCAR’s Hate-cap measured the level of spittle spewing cross-eyed hatred within each institution’s fan base.  

   NASCAR is actually a US-arm of GASCAR (substitute Global for National – DUH!).  GASCAR’s World HQ is high in the Swiss Alps where it rents chateau space from The Rothschilds at their infamous Rancho Illuminati.  While we are primarily concerned with college fan base hate, GASCAR has a larger global view inspiring irrational behavior all over the planet from European and Latin American soccer hooligans to India and Pakistan’s notorious Cricket Crazies.

   To qualify as an International member, a fan base must submit notarized proof that a rival fan was actually killed at an event.  Two quadriplegics or three induced comas lasting at least six months can substitute for a dead body but the GASCAR membership board really prefers habeas corpus.

   Because “life and death” still enjoy a sentimental status within the largely Judeo-Christian America sports culture; membership in NASCAR is based more on the degree to which lunatic fans can laser beam their abject hatred for a rival team to slander as many innocent family members and bystanders as possible.  And this brings us to The Gimghoul Starchamber and the latest brouhaha in West Durham.

   For years, representatives of other NASCAR member institutions have visited Gimghoul’s “spring hate practice” to pick up their legendary techniques for slandering coaches AND their wives and children. The Gimghoul led Tar Heel attacks on Mickie Krzyzewski and her daughters won NASCAR’s annual Totally Disgusting & Repugnant Award for so many years, it was renamed in Mickie’s dishonor. (NOTE: Wuffies have never qualified for NASCAR All-Star status as their abject hatred for “anything to do with Chapel Hill” is simply too broadbased. Hating “everything” is too general … UNC’s K-Hate is the true laser beam “personal” level hatred that NASCAR prefers.)

   So it was no small matter when NASCAR recently notified Gimghoul that it was dangerously close to the Hate-cap … when an individual school’s fan base’s hate builds up such pressure it could explode which would shut down the entire national network of fan forum message boards … thereby causing 1,000s of pathetic lifeforms to seek real lifes … and there are not enough “real lives” in America’s real life reserves to meet that demand.  Gimghoul HAD to release “hate pressure” or it would be PANDEMONIUM!  

   BobLee had suspected something was “up” as soon as the K-Lakers story broke.  It had all the tell-tale signs.  A disguise was needed and the choice was “silver spoon frat boy” or “mangy pathetic Birkenstock wearing Greenpeacer”, Swagger opted for “frat boy” (recall the infamous “bad hair cut”).  But to check on Chapel Hill’s notorious counter-culture, he did visit Carrboro’s Annual 4th of July Flag Burning and HeteroSexual Bashing to see if he could pick up any intell. As usual Swagger’s instincts were right on.

   The greensward of Carrboro’s Carr Mill shopping center was full of Gimghoul operatives urging Carolina Fans to “Let Mitch have K … Hate W Instead”.  So a portion of the public speculation was true.  Ye Olde Legend In The Basement was indeed behind “Get Rid of Rat” codename GROR.  Heeding NASCAR’s warning, Deano, who joined The Gimghoul Starchamber on October 8, 1997 … the day AFTER his belly fire extinguisment caused The Laughter To Die on Franklin Street … was masterminding a shift of the tremendous K-Hate to Dubyah-Hate.  

   Unlike irrational hatred for sports related figures, irrational hatred for non-ultra left wing extremists political figures has no Hate-cap.  Actually it does in most normal communities in America but The Chapel Hill/Carrboro Conservative Defamation League had declared such restrictions as too mainstream and besides their reputation as “commie pinko hate mongering loonies” would suffer if they ever exhibited good taste … even if it was forced on them.

   So shifting Coach K hate to Dubyah would hopefully siphon off enough boiling hot hatred to get Gimghoul well beneath NASCAR’s Hate-cap thereby saving the message boards from total meltdown.  But a slight miscalculation was made … and that miscalculation could prove disastrous.

   Ye Olde Legend and his Gimghoul operatives had fallen victim to The #1 UNC Myth … that being that “all, or most all, of UNC’s students, faculty, staff, alumni, and fans are card carrying left wing fruitcakes, nuts, and squirrels.”  It never has been, and never will be the case.  Yes … the loonie lefties make a lot of noise and, like the bears in Yellowstone, are a favorite of camera toting touristas and TV satellite trucks filled with microphone waving infobabes … but alas they are a minority.  The majority of UNCers are either totally apolitical, interested only in “getting likkered up and getting laid” or (GASP!) proponents of dreaded capitalism and the Conservative spirit of Entrepeneurism … so shifting their K-Hate to Dubyah-Hate even temporarily thru November was not an option.  But there was ANOTHER option available … “cannibalism” – hating of one’s own species.

   UNC’s two divergent camps of loonie left wing squirrels and party hearty capitalists had developed one specific mutual hate target other than Coach K … The Tasseled One hisownself … Richard “Dickie” Baddour. Yep … as sad and as ill-targeted as it might be … Chapel Hill’s answer to Brian Cashman was poised to inherit another 16 tons of pure goggle-eyed spittle spewing irrational hate … that is IF Coach K had indeed headed west. 


Swagger’s Stumper

Who are

Red Adair … Homer Rice … and Althea Gibson

(another test of your powers of disjointed recall)



      Simply shifting K-Hate to Dickie-Hate will not effect the Hate-cap.  The 3rd option is Amato-Hate but that will not see any noticeable increase until mid-October at the earliest.  Someone has suggested Bunting-Hate but those folks don’t truly understand fan hate … Carolina fans do not “hate John Bunting” so much as they simply need Fall football victories to feed their vicarious self-worth cisterns.  If Bunting delivers, he is OK; but even football victories don’t affect Dickie-Hate.

   In an emergency move precipitated by Coach K NOT leaving … Gimghoul Starchamber officials are scouring the countryside for members of the All Time UNC Hate’em A Whole Bunch Club.  If enough of these “sorry, no-good, evil, despicable, vicious, lying, and otherwise pretty normal decent ex-coaches and players” can be brought to Chapel Hill and hung ceremoniously from Franklin Street lamp posts, it is hoped the Hate-cap can be stabilized.

   Norm Sloan and Jimmy V are unavailable but Terry Holland, Lefty Driesell, Rick Barnes, Danny Ford, Lou Holtz, Art Heyman, Christian Laettner, Tom McMillan’s Mamma, Steve Fisher, Joe B. Hall, and Rick Pitino have all been contacted about appearing.  Ol’ Roy has even offered to supply a video of him saying “I’m staying in Lawrence” from four years ago … generally considered the single most hate-filled bile boiling moment in Tar Heel sports history.  

   SwaggerSays is cooperating in this effort to remake Franklin Street into a living museum to irrational sports fan hate … we are trying to find John Roche.

   If anyone wants to donate a Honda to be overturned and burned at the dedication ceremony … leave your cell # and e-address in the mailbox at Gimghoul Castle.

Butch & Etta rode a bicycle while BJ’s Raindrops fell on their heads.


   A fine gentleman passed away this weekend in Charlotte – Carl James, former Duke AD in the mid 70s and later Commissioner of the Big Eight Conference.  BobLee had the pleasure of knowing Mr. James … a very fine gentleman indeed.


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