The Battle Of Bended Knees

January17/ 2000

… The dust is settling in the wake (County) of Apocalypse ’05. A lot of “of courses” have of course popped up.  So have a few “I never imagined that …”  For those of you near Ground Zero you can see it, smell it, taste it.  For our world-wide audience, we will try and fill you in.  Yes, of course … the website is up.  DUH, a given.  But there’s LOTS better silliness than that bustin’ out all over everywheres.

    Assuming you all have heard about that dastardly “pre-game incident” prior to Saturday’s annual Backyard Bragging Bowl  I resent it when amateurs try to muscle into my racket of exaggerated silliness.  Especially when their efforts are so much better than anything we could come up with.

 The Battle Of Bended Knees

   A group of especially compassionate headhunting UNC linebackers, moments away from one of the most significant gridiron battles in their careers, were overcome with effusive emotions for the victims of Katrina … hey, it COULD happen!  So overcome were they that they literally dropped in their tracks to lift up their sorrow to their Heavenly Father … unfortunately “their tracks” at that moment of divine communication had led them to the Mouth of Hell from where their mortal enemies were in the process of being belched forth.

   That the aforementioned “mortal enemies” were Satan’s sorriest spawn from Killian HS and various juvenile detention centers across Florida and the Southeast was simply coincidental. (NOTE: “tongue-in-cheek” for any puckered butt wuffs looking to get frisky) 

Yea verily, the Abjectly Godless Red-shoed Leader of those heathen charged headlong into that temporarily holy ground creating a fundamentalist religious faux pas on a scale not seen since Paris Hilton was appointed warden of Abu Greb prison.  Would both heaven and earth conflagrate right there, spewing pestilence and brimstone over one and all … no, it didn’t.

There is a general rule among “humorists” … ANY TIME you see a quote containing any version of “we were just praying when …” you know you’ve got yourself a “live one” … Quote UNC headhunting linebacker Larry Edwards … “We were just seeking a moment of pre-game prayerful reflection for the unfortunate Katrina victims, when all of sudden they …”

   Whatever comes next doesn’t matter.  You have “whacked-the-mole”. Call Leno and Letterman and tell’em we have a 5-Star Silly worth $250.  Call Calypso Louie Farrakhan too.  He might want to buy the screen rights to this one.  Video copies were sent to Little Johnny Swofford, The Pope, Pat Robertson and Mohammed Atta.

BobLee, nor Vince McMahon, could not have scripted this silliness any better than it did play out … but I would have ordered up a couple of cute kids undergoing chemo, maybe a puppy, and a cardboard cut-out of Cindy Sheehan.  Have an avengefully insane Chuck, dressed in jackboots and a Klan robe, drive a red Zamboni smack into the passive player-pilgrims trailing a banner saying I HATE BARBECUE & JAMES TAYLOR SONGS ! Somebody hit Manny Diaz over the head with a folding chair and throw Hal Hunter over the top rope. 

Ain’t Rivalry Games a hoot!  as my Lupine pal AlphaWolf sadly noted “this now joins ‘the parade that wasn’t’ on the mythical dead horse pile”.  Tar Heel howler monkeys searching for not-so-clever rejoiners will now cough up this hairball.  The over/under on the message board halflife of this non-event will be AT LEAST 5 years.  By comparison – “Ol’ Roy’s KU graduation gifts” have a 25 year life expectancy.  When a howler monkey gets a piece of gristle between his teeth he just gnaws it and gnaws it and gnaws it …   

   Based on Lee Pace’s eye-witness account … “something” happened (but not very much!) and there seems to be ample evidence of mutual minor malfeasance.  One side yells “religious persecution” while the other side screams “trespassing on private property”.  BobLee yawns.

Pious UNCers anxious to play the “our good little Christian boys” card better BEWARE!  By Sunday morning, organizers were canvassing Franklin Street enlisting foot soldiers for a crusade to Raleigh to smite the red-clad sacrilegious infidels … BIG PROBLEMO! … a requirement for enlistment is an affirmative answer to “have you ever heard of The Lord’s Prayer?”.  It’s the Carolina Catch-22 … if anyone admit they’ve heard of it, Jonathan Curtis, UNC’s Assistant Dean for Heterosexual Christian Persecution, scampers out of South Building and throws them out of school on the spot.

   John Bunting lost three players to marijuana after last year’s State victory.  How many might he now lose to “excessive public religiousizing”? The Indignant Special Interest Groups e-mail folder at the Daily Tar Heel is overflowing with obligatory concern that: 

   “Student-athletes wearing university property were praying in a public place. It was NOT an Islamic prayer.  THIS MUST STOP. Please fire that burly ex-linebacker like you fired that nasty little reporterette.  Signed: Chapel Hill-Carrboro Support The Terrorists & Any Other Anti-American Crap We Can Dig Up Society.


    Many of you have asked “what’s next with F-Bomb Alley?”  Well, of course, the whole campaign including the audio from my “Live From Ground Zero” report will be in my next book and on the “Best Of …” CD.  That was pretty much the reason for the whole thing … that and trying to make civilization just a smidgen less barbaric.  

   The Perfect Storm has passed thru not to return for two years. Can we expect on-site security to revert back to “two guys named Moe with a water pistol and a pair of plastic handcuffs from Bondage Toys-R-Us”?  Will the “new policies” get winks and nods from bored parking attendants … will the post-adolescent vermin slither back into the area.  Thats what happens if I discontinue my quarterly pest control service.  It’s a basic law of nature.


Dive Bombed By Ben Done

    For two+ weeks BobLee pounded the crap outta Wuff Punks about “F-B Alley” … right?  I carpet bombed the sumbitches 24/7.  If there is a disparaging name I didn’t call’em its because I was using an abridged insult thesaurus.  I expected and received a fair number of “TO: That BobLee Jackass … FROM: TedWolf Kazinsky with Love …”  e-mails.  If the e-letter had less than 5 obscenities and quoted me accurately on at least one minor point, I tried to reply.  

   We also impose a “no single paragraph can contain more than 750 words” rule.  This column is about 1,000 words so imagine it as one paragraph!!  Apparently they teach that method at Cuss Out A Columnist Camp. … All that oratorical ordenance directed at the hooligans in the basement of WuffWorld and what provoked the single most BLISTERING “reader mail” of the week?  … my two brash statements: 

  • (1) Saturday’s game was “one of the most enjoyable games I’ve ever attended” and 
  • (2) “The Buntings immediate future has stabilized”   

   Just when you finally train Pavlov’s dogs to turn backflips and fetch your slippers they develop a new strain of rabies.  My attacker was quite well-known to all our staff … it was our bombastic buddy – Ben N. Done – aka “Greatest Tar Heel Fan EVER and Authority on Everything”.  

   You know “Ben” and his ilk if you’ve ever belonged to a civic club, country club, church, or professional association.  No matter what anyone else has accomplished, this dude has Been There, Done That, (get it … “Ben Done” !!).  He’s Got The T-shirt and is Best Friends With The Mayor.  Until I e-met him about a year ago I would not have believed anyone has actually been very best friend and confidante to every single football and basketball player at UNC since 1964.

   I always felt, rather than e-jawing with me, he should be auditing the World Bank, solving famine in West Africa, and figuring out how to reduce the fizz when you pour a can of Diet Coke.  

    He has been present at more great historical events than “Mr. Peabody & Sherman”.   He must have his very own “WayBack Machine”?

   The UNC Board of Governors has a standing offer for “Ben” to be Chancellor, Athletics Director AND Chief Meter Maid on Franklin Street … but he would rather memorize the halftime scores of every game Dean Smith ever coached on a Tuesday.  He’s up to 1987 already.

   He went froth and fume bonkers that I enjoyed the heck out of the game Saturday.  Mistakes and all it was one heck of an exciting football game IMO. Winning this game means Bunting will not be fired THIS week. That what Ben wishes for EVERY week. That and Dickie stepping on a rusty nail and dying of typhoid fever in a Carrboro back alley.

  This catbird recently won ESPN’s World Series of Dickie-Hating and the opportunity to punch out John Feinstein.  Enrage … this guy is a Grand Master.  He won’t even eat Krispy Kremes because they begin with “that certain letter”.  It’s Dickie, Coach K, and Amato at the top of his list in revolving order depending upon the season.  

   He dive bombed me with an insult-loaded e-diatribe of 700+ words in two paragraphs. “Getting the gist” of his screech I quickly scanned to the bottom for that magic phrase … 

“it’s people like YOU ( “moi” ) that keep Carolina from 

its rightful position as GREATEST FOOTBALL PROGRAM ON EARTH.” 

   He tied it creatively to my having served briefly under Jim Hickey in 1966 ????  

  All this doesn’t make much sense to us mere mortals but I couldn’t help thinking … Ben Done needs to hook up with Fruitcake Freddie.  They would be a lock for World TagTeam Know-It-Alls.  The problem would come with which one got to wear the crown of Exalted Grand Tar Heel Know-It-All which carries with it the right to give Ye Olde Legend a pedicure each year on Robert McAdoo’s birthday. 

   This gig is soooo much fun I’d almost do it for nothing.  There are some weeks I deal with more fruitcakes than UPS and FedEx handle in the whole month of December.  


 Swagger’s Stumper

What was Tony Lema’s celebratory nickname?


     Gil Thorp has coached Milford High forever.

    Speaking of Defensive Geniuses … if Jon Tenuta and Reggie Herring were co-Defensive Coords could they hold South Florida under 75 points?  The mantle of “Genius” sits precariously upon the head that wears it.

    It’s started … the “If Lee Fowler and those other idiots REALLY cared about being a Football Power they’d go get Bill Cowher RIGHT NOW” Club is having a membership drive. Dial 1-800-OVER-THE-EDGE.  Lots of nasty yadda yadda about all the “wasted” $$$ raised for the Carter-Finley enhancements and even some yadda yadda from folks who actually contributed $$$.  Just like at UNC … usually the less one actually contributes the louder one screechs.  

   We welcome over 100 new subscribers to SSays in the past 10 days … SALUTE! … that’s “net 100+” less Ben and a few suicidal Wuff dolts.  This site probably is not what you might think it is.  Wander thru the 700+ archived columns to get a feel for what happens here.  We endeavor to do TWO things … 1- make you LAUGH … and/or 2- make you THINK.  If we fail to do either consistently you should, alas, unsubscribe

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