She’s From Around Here

January17/ 2000

… Everybody comes from somewhere.  If a someone becomes “somebody” and their somewhere is “where you are from” it gets exciting. … A young lady, multi-decades removed from me, has leap frogged from “local pretty girl” to Internet cheesecake to a bona-fide TV screen siren.  Jaime Pressley grew up in MY HOME TOWN.  Both of us born and bred among the hushpuppies and tobacco fields of the same “Downeast” town.  If you think that’s a hot topic for beauty parlors and back fences … YOU’RE RIGHT!

    Jaime Pressley busted out in primetime this Fall.  Up til then, our hometown’s most famous femme fatale  was the girl that married Lee Iacocca about 20 years ago.  With his first wife hardly cold in the grave, Lee, in his late 60s at the time, got himself hitched to our 30-ish “former flight attendant”.  The May-December nuptials didn’t thrill Lee’s grown children.  

   Around town. all this gal’s old beaus expected “the tabloids” to come acalling ready to pay for juicy background.  Apparently Lee’s blushing bride had not been “saving herself” for Mr. Right, Mr. Old or Mr. Rich.  If she had been, THAT would have been news-worthy.  As it was …. Yawn.  No windfall profits for the local bon vivants hanging around the putting green at the country club … DRAT!

Alas, before you could say “iron-clad pre-nup” it was splitsville.  Ol’ Lee did have a goofy grin on his face for 6-8 months after he changed the locks on his Detroit-area mega-mogul mansion.

The local community hucksters never got around to posting that city limits sign “The former Mrs Lee Iacocca was from Here.”  But it’s a possibility this time around with Jaime Pressley.

  It’s not a unique story but still special when it’s local.  Young girl grows up in sleepy Southern town dripping with middle class values and all sorts of Mayberry similarities.  (NOTE: Refer to BobLee’s all-time classic 2003 column “Pretty DownEast Wimmen”).  Her first magazine cover at 13 revealed that “she had IT”.  “IT” was oozing out all over her, bustin’ her buttons and straining the denim seams of her poured-in jeans.

… and the kinfolks said … Jaime you need to move away from there.  Said Californee is the place you oughta be.  So she loaded up the mini-van and moved to Beverlee.  Hills, that is … swimming pools, movie stars, cheesy agents, casting couches and video cameras.

    First thing ya know  Jaime’s a B-movie vixen of international repute.  Her au natural images appeared on dorm room ceilings and in those cinderblock XXX porno-palaces next to used car lots  Not to mention in the erotic daydreams of the Howard Spragues of the world … and even admired in lesbian love dens where “they do” whatever it is that “they do” with each other.  

  Get your picture taken striding a Harley Hawg wearing stilettos, a g-string, and a smile.  People are going to take notice.  They will have opinions about you doing it, especially in a small town.

  As you would expect, our small Southern town has a rasher of busybodies and nabobs.  I am related to some doozies.  Jaime did not seek my approval to do what she does.  Nor did I consult her about my lurid occupation.  

  The Tobacco buy-out is old news.  Jim Hunt’s Global TransPark scam made Jim Hunt’s cronies rich but left the community poor.   The beauty parlours and backfences were hungry for fodder.  The Pressleys went back 3+ generations so everybody claimed to know them and/or her.   Jaime was a mere nymphet when she separated from her parents at 15 and headed west.  LA eats up nymphets like Orca feeding on a school of herring.  Most disappear.  Some, like Jaime Pressly, emerge a few years later as  “screen sirens”.

A not dissimilar career path was followed by a pretty girl from North Myrtle Beach back in the 80s.  She has done OK wearing evening gowns and turning letters with Pat Sajak.

Jaime’s career percolated for a few years thru B-movies and “pictorials” in Maxim, FHM, Playboy and a few of those calendars you see hanging in auto repair shops.  She began doing TV including a “car crash and shoot’em up” series with Tiffany Amber-Thiessen in which she played a drug gang skank.  Their obligatory “lesbian kiss” ratcheted ratings 8 points with her target demographics.

She is now riding a rocket playing “Joy”.  Earl’s ex-wife on “My Name Is Earl” – the break-out comedy hit in NBC’s fall line-up.  “Joy” is a “trailer park skank with a heart of polyester”.  Jaime plays her in a hilarious over-the-top fashion.  Guess how she developed the character of “Joy”?

Her recent appearance on Fox & Friends created quite a local stir.  As millions gawked and leered she revealed that “Joy” was modeled after “the people I  knew growing up back in North Carolina” … especially their odd customs like “driveway tanning with baby oil and iodine”. The hommies were divided over whether she should be more specific about her “home town” and ID the specific trailer park skanks incorporated into “Joy”.

  Be Warned … the show is a tad “raw”.  Not for the genteel or easily offended (kinda like this website!)

   Carmen Electra was once Dennis Rodman’s arm candy.  Now she is co-starring in a new movie with Steve Martin.  In interviews Carmen and Jaime both project a street-savy and the rare capability of not taking themselves too seriously (Tar Heel fans take note!) despite the hubba hubba they generate by simply entering a room.  Sleek Ferraris chased by dirty old men and pimply-faced punks neither of whom would know what to do with’em if they ever caught’em.

   Jaime and BobLee might one day be co-Grand Marshals of the local Christmas Parade … side-by-side on a flatbed truck surrounded by runny-nosed elves and dodging incoming pea-shooters from the local miscreants.  I’ll be the one with the beard.  Jaime will be one with the 38-D cups.

Small Southern towns 

They are SPECIAL! 


Swagger’s Stumper

 What did The Clampetts use for “pot passers”?


    Vic Bubas’ Dukesters were narrowly defeated by Adolph Rupp’s “white boys” in 1966 prior to UK playing Texas Western in “the Black – White Game”.  Duke’s Bob Verga (think JJ with slicked-back hair and a Jersey accent) was slowed-down by a stomach flu, scoring only 4 versus his 20+ ppg average.  History really demanded that Ol’ Adolph be the “villain” in the final game.  Bubas would not have had the racist-cred for the role.

   Patriots lose … AND Ted Kennedy gets on national TV … rough week to be from Massachusetts, huh?

   Is Peyton now officially “best NFLer not to win a major”?

   NFL Referee in Steeler-Colt game cited by ACLU for “discriminating against Polynesian cornerbacks w/ really long hair”.  NOW gang demanding that JoePa fire that referee.

   “Jack Is Back” on “24” … Another day in the life of our boy Jack Bauer is off and running.  Bring out the body bags and ALWAYS “follow the protocols”.  

   QUANDRY:  Which am I more apathetic about … The Winter Olympics or The World Baseball Championships ???

[email protected]

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x