Sears Cup 2005

January17/ 2000

… Acknowledging the #1 Fan Golden Rule: “Rankings and Polls are only legit when MY TEAM is On Top”, check out the 2005 (Used To Be) Sears Cup measuring overall athletic excellence. Stanford won AGAIN for the umpteenth year in a row.  Carolina won it back in the PreBaddourian Era aka “The Golden Age of Swofford” (a mythical period when the sky was bluer, coeds prettier, beer colder, and Franklin Street more splendiferous).  UNC finished a credible 10th this year … but guess who finished 5th. … a four letter word ending in “uke”.

    The Sears Cup started 20-some years ago because Sears wanted to be known for something other than aluminum siding and Lady Kenmores.  Schlitz was already “The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous”.  Some pimply faced intern at the NCAA HQ decided how about something that “Stanford is pretty much a lock to win almost every year?”  Tom Watson and John Elway thought that sounded good so the Sears Cup was created.

    It is no longer The Sears Cup.  It is now The US Sports Academy Directors Cup however sports fans employ a 3-year “lag behind reality” factor so we’ll call it the Used To Be Sears Cup for another two years.  The 3-year lag stretches to 8-years for Internet fans.

    Either Carolina or Soviet Russia invented everything first of course.  Liking the sound of Carmichael Auditorium, the Carmichaels decided having “a cup” was the logical progression so 30 some years ago they created The Carmichael Cup using the same logic as that NCAA intern would later use. “Let’s create some silly ranking that Carolina is pretty much a lock to win almost every year” but lets make it just for the ACC (so Stanford couldn’t win it!).

    Ergo The Carmichael Cup was created and sure nuff it became a annual “Wow, we won the highly prestigious award AGAIN … are we freakin’ cool or what?”

    Like the Sears Cup, The Carmichael Cup measured which school in the ACC finished higher overall in more different sports each academic year.  If a school fielded a team in a sport it earned a participation point.  If a school did not participate it did not earn a participation point.  This was well before the current trend in academia that “we can’t have people feeling inferior so lets eliminate achievement”.  Cutting to the chase … UNC has always fielded more total sports teams than any other school in the ACC so even teams that had poor seasons had better seasons than schools that had no teams ??? Today that logic is illegal.

    UNC fielded like 20+ teams while State and Wake Forest together maybe fielded a dozen.  That had a guaranteed cul-de-sac gloat factor that was off-the-chart. 

    I think it is a notable point of pride that UNC offers so many diverse opportunities for student-athlete participation.  It takes $$$ to fund any program and allocating $$$ for Fencing or J. Crew or Chick Air Hockey or Sophomore Dwarf Tossing takes $$$ from other more prominent sports.  I’m OK with that as it is consistent with how I would run a college.  Most of the non-revenue producing student athletes are actually students – WHAT A CONCEPT! Only 3% of Internet howler monkeys are “OK with that” which confirms “it’s a good thing”.

    After Carolina won like 15 straight years two things happened … (1) absolutely no one including Rick Brewer cared any more; and (2) the Carmichaels decided the concept was too ludicrous for them too.  They ended up storing the leftover cups in the basement of Dean’s Dome next to Coach Gut’s Eternal Office where Bill uses them to hold his popcorn.

    Hey, I got off my original topic which was the NCAA conspiracy to give Stanford a bunch of cups. 

    Stanford is a lock to win The Used To Be Sears Cup because (1) They have a funding endowment from Old Man Leland Stanford that is even more than a typical John Edwards punitive damages settlement … and (2) They use a fraction of that bottomless vault to fund a team in every sport known to man or ESPN.

    Stanford’s Boogie Board Team finishes 2nd to Pepperdine every year but scored more Sears points than Anson’s Amazons did this year.  Stanford and Pepperdine are the only schools than have intercollegiate Boogie Board teams so actually Stanford finished last but 2nd sounds so much better. (see Note below)

    Every year Stanford runs away with The Used To Be Sears Cup and the usual gaggle of large state universities clamor for the right to brag “we finished ahead of almost everybody but Stanford”.  These perennial also rans are Michigan, Texas, Florida, UCLA, Tennessee AND North Carolina. 

   NOTE:  Stanford also wins the Poulan Chainsaw Cup for “Best School with a Tree as a Mascot”.

    Legend has it that North Carolina won this every year during The Golden Era of SwoffordThe same Legend also has it that Dean Smith was born in a manger … Dick Crum was a space alien … and Dick Baddour wrote the laws for public consumption of alcohol on state property.  In truth, UNC scored very high in the early years of the Sears competition because it was a front runner in fielding Title lX sports for Women which is a very credible kudo for UNC.  As other schools began to field women’s teams UNC’s built-in advantage lessened.

    When it became apparent that Carolina would not likely beat Stanford, the Cohen brothers of Greensboro pulled a Carmichael and created The Carlyle Cup.  They own Carlyle Jewelers. Since beating hundreds of schools was risky, they narrowed it to one – 15-501 Championship – Carolina vs Duke.  Every time any Carolina team plays any Duke team there are Carlyle Cup points to be had.  The Cohens, being good Tar Heel boys, figured The Dickster would come out of this smelling like a rose.  Sure. Unfortunately the creation of The Carlyle Cup coincided with The Little Prince beginning his infamous Blind Hog Coaching Shuffle.

    Next time you visit Eddie Cameron’s Indoor Stadium check out the trophy case.  You will see at least two Carlyle Cups that neither God Almighty or The Cohen Brothers figured would be anywhere but in “the Southern part of Heaven”.  Fanatical Tar Heel loonies quickly decided The Carlyle Cup don’t mean s**t … that is until this year when Carolina won the silly thing … signifying, of course, that Carolina is THE Greatest University in The Milky Way Galaxy.  Even The Cohen Brothers of Greensboro felt that was a bit of an over-statement. 

    But it gets crazier.  Carolina indeed won the now oh-so-prestigious Carlyle Cup yet Duke finished 5th in the Used To Be Sears Cup to UNC’s 10th.  Listen up young grasshoppers and Daddy Swagger will explain how this could be.  Duke has quietly built national dynasty level programs in Women’s golf, women’s tennis, men’s and women’s lacrosse, and men’s soccer.

    UNC defeated Duke head-head in all the “water cooler bragging” sports (FB, Men/Women Basketball, and Baseball), but the Blue Devils piled up points in the other Olympic sports. Had Anson’s Amazons won their annual NCAA Championship in Soccer UNC would have earned an additional 36 points putting them in 7th place with 976 points to Duke’s 5th with 1021.25.  

   In order for UNC to have passed Duke, thereby making UNC’s Used To Be Sears Cup standing something to tout, either of two things had to happen … (1) Dickie needed to recruit Michelle Wie and Paula Creamer to beat Duke’s Nat Champ Chick Golfers … (2) Dickie needed to boobytrap the Duke Men’s Lacrosse team’s bus before it got to the Lacrosse Final Four.

    For sure IF we were still in The Golden Age of Swofford, one or both of these would have been properly attended to.  Damn you Dickie Baddour.  


 Swagger’s Stumper

 “Hey, Ray; is this Heaven?” … “No, it’s _______ .”


    Molly McGee’s hubby was “Fibber”.  This one separated the old dogs from the young pups.  Fibber McGee & Molly was a famous radio serial that had a short run as an early TV situation comedy.  The standing gag was a jam-packed hall closet that would explode when a harried Fibber went to open it.

    Dickie has a secret plan to win next year’s Used To Be Sears Cup.  He is scheming with his pal Myles Brand to declare “Obsessive Paranoia About Mike Krzyzewski” as an intercollegiate sport.  That’s a annual Title no one will EVER take away from Chapel Hill!

    BobLee was clearly King of All Media this week with appearances on both radio AND TV.  Thanks to Rick at WPTF and Jim and Mike at News14 for inviting Mr Swagger.  In reality it was “Sweeps Week” and all the local kindergarten call girls were already booked!

    Stanford and Pepperdine do NOT field Boogie Board teams … IT WAS A JOKE!

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