Saint Ol’ Roy Got Roved!

January17/ 2000

… The Tsunami surge from the Rove-esque attack on Ol’ Roy has subsided.  It won’t EVER “go away” because nothing ever “goes away” in ACC scandal lore, but NCAA goons did not show up to shackle the now sainted coach and force him head first into the backseat of a black federal issue sedan.  It was a wild and wooly weekend fer sure.  BobLee presents his “SWAGGY” awards for Ridiculous OverReaction To It All.

    Let me first thank The Academy and all you little people out there in the SwaggerNation for your cards and e-mails.  Saying that my “Gallagher watermelon” analogy was the single best zinger you have EVER read was humbling.  I try.  

    In the pantheon of Rogue Journalism a day like Friday is like a “No School Snow Day” for a 5th grader.  I felt like the Okeefeenokee Swamp boy who upon falling into the vat of molasses, rolled his eyes heavenward and prayed to da Lord to “give me a mouth to fit the occasion”.  The only way it coulda been any better woulda been if The Meez had announced he was leaving UNC to become John Edwards’ lawn jockey at The Edwards Family Compound.

    Before we get into bestowing the awards for Ridiculous OverReactions don’t forget that Destiny’s Child will be performing at the end of this column.  ESPN used that ploy to keep viewers last night. Why can’t I?

SWAGGY AWARD FOR Supreme Hypocritical Idiocy:

This one was easy and goes to every Blue SupraLoonie who admonishes Jayhawk fans because they “can’t get over” Roy’s leaving; after all, it’s been over 2 YEARS.  This coming from a fanbase where no Carolina mother is allowed to name her baby “Mack”.  “Reverend Brown” has been gone EIGHT FREAKIN’ YEARS.  It’s a rule that every UNC fansite must begin each day with a “I hate Mack Brown because …” thread.  Kansas fans have another 6 years just to catch up in the sour grapes department and UNC loons will be in Year 14 of Mack-Hate by then.

   To the everlasting credit of WuffWorld, except for their hardcore maggot faction, most Lupine Loyalists quickly realized this hiccup was not going to bring down The House of Roy and have gone back to hating Jim Knight and Peter Golenbach.  They simply “blame the media” which is also their explanation for Why The Dinosaurs Died and the rings of Saturn.

SWAGGY AWARD FOR Supercillious Sanctimony:

Score one for our favorite verbose chipmunk on this one.  I really do keep hoping that predicting The Little Dickster’s actions will somehow cause him to prove me wrong.  Nope!  After Roy’s Official Contrition Statement, Little Dickie could not leave well enough alone and publicly canonized Ol’ Roy to the level of a 13th Disciple.  Even the aforementioned John Edwards’ “I’m just a humble little mill boy from Robbins” speech is not as gaggy as Dickie got in saintifying Ol’ Roy.  

   According to Dickie, Roy not only ain’t never ever done nuthin’ wrong he ain’t even lusted in his heart like Peanut Jimmy Carter admitted to.  Never jaywalked, never tipped less than 25%, never goes over the speed limit unless he’s late to choir practice, and not only has “he never” there ain’t nary no chance that he EVER will … so there.

   By the time Dickie ran out of effusiveness, all Bob Fredericks could say was “I never caught him cheating EXCEPT that one time in 1998 on the 12th green at Lawrence Country Club.  That gimme WAS outside the leather.”

   Wanda Williams had a case of the vapors when she read Dickie’s comments.  She promptly composed a list of times Ol’ Roy didn’t take out the garbage, didn’t lower the toilet seat, used the guest towels, and drank orange juice straight from the carton and put it back in the refrigerator.  She is threatening to release her list to the NCAA if Ol’ Roy even thinks about taking an NBA job.

   The UNC Sports Marketing Dept is rushing to create little Saint Ol’ Roy die-cast dashboard ornaments.  Stick Saint Ol’ Roy on the dashboard of your Lexus and it’ll protect you from Devils, Wolves, Deacons, and Myles Brand.

SWAGGY AWARD FOR Administrative Bungling

This one goes to the Poobahs of THE Kansas University @ Lawrence.  Apparently they use the same executive search firm for Athletic Directors that the DNC used to find Terry McAuliffe and Howard Dean.  After Bob Fredericks The Great left they fell on hard times.  Al Bohl came from Fresno State where his resume’s shining star was “I hired Jerry Tarkanian the most notorious corrupt coach in basketball history”.  This galoot promptly fired Ol’ Roy’s buddy the KU FB coach and thoroughly pissed off Ol’ Roy making “I’m leaving” really easy the 2nd time around.

   KU fired this clown then hired the scourge of The Not Big Anymore East … Lew Perkins from UConn.  My Big East insiders have yet to say anything even “OK” about this guy.  Not only was this Ol’ Roy expose a calculated leak by Lew, it is linked to a Machiavellian plot allowing him to fire current KU FB Coach Mark Mangione.  Mangione has three negatives in Lew’s eyes … (1) He’s fat … (2) He’s loud … (3) Lew didn’t hire him.  Not much Mangione can do about any of those in time to save his fat, loud butt from Lew’s ax.  

   Tar Heel zealots are incorrect that Lew has a vendetta against Ol’ Roy.  Lew could care less about Roy he was just trying to create an image for himself as a cleaning house AD.  Lew will be gone within 3 years … mark it down.  Continuing their track record, KU will promptly replace him with either Ken Lay or Bernie Ebbers.

   Personally I think they should hire Shannon the Queen of The KU Hotties.  She used to work for Ol’ Roy and she gives incredible photo op.

   Tar Heel fans need to note here … sure Dickie is a duffusy little chipmunk but the little fella is “honest”.  Sure his coaching searchs have been a Mr Dickie’s Wild Ride but he is an honest little goof.

SWAGGY AWARD FOR Goes Around Comes Around

This goes to all UNCers who are saying “it was JUST $1.45 … just a donut … just a graduation gift … just a pair of tennis shoes (oops, wrong sainted coach!) … just a … etc”  It doesn’t matter.  It was a minor violation and Ol’ Roy has so admitted.  YES, every program continually commits “minor violations” and when they are periodically uncovered our oh-so-pompous Tar Heels fall all over themselves screaming “Tip Of The Iceberg – Death Penalty!”  

   98% of the NCAA Rule Book is silly.  Always has been … always will be.  Social Security and The Federal Tax Code will be cleaned up before any common sense is uncovered at the NCAA Hall of Horrors.  University presidents and terminal bureaucrats are in charge.  Most of them, like Dickie, have never stood nekkid in a gang shower room filled with sweaty athletes making “shrinkage” jokes.  A recent poll showed that 87% of University Chancellors hid in toilet stalls to dress for PE in high school.  This is their revenge.

   What will the future wrought?

   No harm will come to Ol’ Roy, or to UNC, or to Karl Rove for that matter.  HOWEVER, the moment that scandalous headline hit the newswire on Friday it became a part of Ol’ Roy’s permanent record.  It is now ACC Rival Lore and nothing ever gets erased from that ledger.

   In the 11th grade I stuffed Billy Stadium in a trash can in the student lounge in front of Teena and Dottie and Phyllis and everybody.  Billy was kinda like Dickie so you can understand what came over me.  Go to a musty corner of Jesse W. Grainger High School basement and its still there along with a notation from Frank L. Mock, Principal … “keep an eye on this kid. He ain’t wired like most folks”.  Mr Mock was a wise man.  It’s on my “permanent record”.  If “W” nominates me for a Supreme Court vacancy it will have to be dealt with. 

   Saint Ol’ Roy “tongued his secretary” but just once and he will live to average 25-30 Ws a year for the next decade.  Meanwhile UNC fans will have learned absolutely nothing from this experience and will continue to lobby that (1) Chuck Amato should be fired for poor fashion sense and (2) Coach K should be shot for “cussing” … neither of which are mentioned in the NCAA Rule book.

I promised you Beyonce … Here!


 Swagger’s Stumper

 Where was Larry Brown’s shortest coaching stint?


   Candice Bergen’s wooden brothers were Charlie McCarthy and Mortimer Snerd.  Both of whom are on the short list to replace Molly Broad as UNC System Grand Wizard.

    BE VERY AFRAID TRIANGLE … my recent passing reference to “THE Pirate Captain” of NCSU has brought the esteemed President of The NC State Student Government into SwaggerNation.  The potential mayhem to be caused by TPC’s scurvy band of post adolescent marauders and BobLee’s Baby Boomer Army is awesome to contemplate.   

    The Peter Pan of Basketball is writing yet another verse to his 45 year career.  Larry Brown will never grow up, no never grow up, no never grow up … even a misfiring gall bladder couldn’t stop this sanctimonious gadfly from movin’ on.  Will he take the Lost Tar Heel Boys with him to KnickLand?  Probably. 

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