sa-TIS-fac-TION for Bill Cowher

January17/ 2000

… “If this is THE ULTIMATE GAME, why will they play it next year?” so queried former Cowboy running back Duane Thomas.  Among the XL “Super Bowls” it might rank in the top XV or so depending upon your partisanship.  The former Wuff LB stomped his monkey just like Ol’ Roy did last April.  One Wuff and three Tar Heels “get rings”.  Mick Jagger played the role of Mick Jagger and a little horse won the award for Best Ad Featuring A Horse.  None of which was seen by Grandpa Munster or Betty Friedan.

A year ago how many folks would have bet that 

Willie Parker will set a Super Bowl record the same week

 that Heather Locklear divorces Richie Sambora?  

I bet fewer than one.

    Within 60 days BOTH Valerie Bertinelli and Heather Locklear divorce their rock star husbands.  What were the odds of that happening?  Lance Armstrong splits with Sheryl Crow with both pledging their undying friendship to each other, but both stopped short of saying what a fine young man Marcus Vick is.

Why were The Rolling Stones the featured musical act in The Home of Motown?  Did it not occur to anyone that a medley of Doo-Whoppers would have been sort of appropriate?  In Mick Jagger’s first two songs I could not decipher one single word he screamed.  I’m sure glad Keith Richards did not bare a breast.  ….. IF “Feminism was created to give really ugly women access to the mainstream”? … was Rock N Roll created to do the same for really ugly men?

During the introduction of former Super Bowl MVPs where were Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana?  Randy White does not look like much of a “Manster” any more.

Another monkey was stomped with Bill Cowher finally “winning the Big One”.  He had only been in one other SB but he had lost four conference championship games.  He seems like a very likable guy.  I wish I knew him.

I recall Willie Parker having a really long TD run versus Maryland about three years ago.  This latest one probably meant more.  Bill Cowher wins a ring and John Bunting’s “reject” does too … despite John’s stellar recruiting haul earlier in the week, I’m pretty sure this proves unequivocally that NC State University has a taller Bell Tower than UNC does.

   BUT BOBLEE … what about Willie Parker saying he was “from Clinton High School” and in so doing insulting Charles Kuralt’s University?  Oh for Heaven’s Sakes … 20% of the players use their high school/hometown these days. Putting a bounty on Willie’s head for that is BEYOND LOONEY!  It meant so much more to folks in Clinton the way he did it than mentioning UNC would have meant to anyone else.



UNC Off Line Coach Hal Hunter resigned on Monday for position w/ San Diego Chargers.  Expected fall-out from recent staff additions.  Wuffs quickly predict this spells end of recent domination by Tar Heels.  UNC loons blame Dickie, but speculate that every great line coach in America will want to come to Chapel Hill because “Franklin Street is soooo cool“!


    The Budweiser commercial with the little Clydesdale wins the best Super Bowl commercial for 2006.  Am I the only one who was thinking “why were 50% of the commercials hyping upcoming ABC shows”” … has the American marketplace finally figured out that Super Bowl commercials are over priced?  The girl in the spots was NOT the same bimbo as last year.

Mike Holmgren did win the award as “Super Bowl coach most closely resembling Craig Stadler AND Wilford Brimley”.  Speaking of look-alikes … Al “Grandpa Munster” Lewis and Betty Friedan looked like twins in their side by side obituary pics.

    With Super Bowl XL now “belonging to the ages” we are all left to ponder the same question we face every year at this time … WHY would anyone with a sock drawer to sort bother to watch “The Pro Bowl”?  Surely I can find some obscure cable channel showing Clear & Present Danger.


    The REAL Ultimate Game comes up this Tuesday … Carolina v Duke in The Legend’s Lair.  As has been the case for easily the past 10 years, Rosemary’s Other Baby has burrowed himself deep into the mind of most every Tar Heel fan.  I’m sure you all saw that spoof about ACC Calls First Foul on Duke.  I received 23 copies myself.  22 of the senders thought I had written it.  I suppose that is a compliment.

One enterprising moron has already established the benchmark for loonacy in declaring 4 days in advance that UNC should go ahead and forfeit “because those no-good crooked ACC refs are all on the take from Krzyzewski”.  This particular moron could not spell Clougherty so he just used Barakat as “the head crook”.  Remember BobLee’s “three year lag time” rule.

Yep … as we approach the halfway point in this year’s ACC BB season … “all the refs AND all the announcers HATE Carolina especially (________) … he’s THE WORST.”  

I’m all for strong partisan fan support BUT … PULEEZE don’t tell me that any one above the age of 23 with the slightest modicum of “sense God gave Kleenex” believes The K-Myth.  Imagine going under anaesthesia for delicate heart surgery and your cardiologist blurting out “that damn Ratface is a lying no-good eeeeevil man who cheats …”

J.J.’s final game in Chapel Hill.  Having declared his full support for any/all sexual preferences other than hetero, ya think Meezie will present JJ an award? Homophobia is still the “PC insult of choice” for any group of fan loonies.  The Meez might be “an ally” for “non-traditional sexual couplings” but fan rank and file still do so love their “faggot” inferences. 


    Since recommending 7 Deadly Wonders, I have read four more Matthew Reilly adventure yards.  I liked the others but “7 Deadly …” is by far his best.  Like most writers of this gendre, he has a formula that is predictable after you’ve read a few.


    In case you missed it … after noting in the last column why Harry Carson was not getting into the NFL Hall of Fame (he invented The Gatorade Dump) apparently Harry read the column.  Saturday morning he issued an apology to sports fan everywhere for inventing “the Dump”.  Saturday afternoon Harry was voted in.  Coincidence … yeah sure!


 Swagger’s Stumper

 Grandpa Munster may be dead but 

who played Uncle Fester?


    Schlitz was “the beer that made Mel Famous Walk Us”.  Not Miller High Life, which was “the Champagne of bottled beer”.  Schlitz was last brewed in the late 80s. 

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