Rainy funerals and Bad Sandwiches

January17/ 2000

…. Commoners, kings or guys named Moe; the number of folks at your funeral will NOT be determined by deeds great or small but by the weather.  Hotel maids don’t care if you read smut.  The McRib sandwich will NEVER catch on.  Howard Stern must “matter” to a lot of people; but not to me….  I’m proud that Albert and Clyde are my friends.  PLUS **** AN AMAZING STORY! (really!)

    You can read today’s column from here on down or upside down or start in the middle and go either way.  It won’t matter.  This might be THE single most inspirational message you have ever read … or maybe not.

    I spent almost 20 years in the hotel business.  The two most salient lessons I learned were:

  • Hotel maids (“housekeepers”) make up anywhere from 12-16 rooms/day.  The morning of their first day on the job they face those 16 dirty rooms.  If they stay on that job for 20 years (and many do) with the same section assignment, the morning after they leave that job, those 16 rooms will be dirty again, just like they were 20 years earlier.  Why bother? 
  • A lot of business travelers (primarily male) will buy “dirty” magazines when away from home.  When it comes time to check out, they hide those “dirty” magazines between the mattress and box springs of their bed.  They don’t just toss them in the trash because then the maid will know they read them.  The maid doesn’t care.

    For sure, it was a rough life being a slave in “ancient Egypt”.  I’m glad I wasn’t one in an earlier life.  But think about this … looking at that giant pyramid getting bigger each day and thinking “I have a hand in building this.  Folks will see this pyramid for 1,000s of years and I helped build it.”  OK, they were probably too busy during the day and too tired at night to give it much thought. 

    Speaking of reincarnation … I had a roommate once, Weird Eric.  Eric thought he had been a Viking AND a Roman centurion in earlier lives.  His dad had a glass eye.  He used to take it out at night and set it on the kitchen counter.  I stayed at his house once and got up in the night to get a glass of water.  Scared the hell of me.  I never forgot it, obviously.

    Howard Stern is “going to satellite radio” and be paid A WHOLE LOT of $$$ to talk about stuff that nobody I care to know would talk about or care to hear him talk about.  I met Stern’s assistant, Robin Quivers, two years ago at a bowling alley at Chelsea Pier in Lower Manhatten.  She seemed like a nice person.  We did not discuss censorship or who should be the national censor.  Stephon Marbury and “Dr Malfi” from The Sopranos were there too.  I didn’t get a chance to talk to Stephon.  “Dr Malfi” was shorter than I expected her to be.

   I’ve never played a “video game” or eaten a “monster burger” at Hardee’s … but I have met Dr. Malfi and seen Eric’s dad’s glass eye … hummm.

    In all my traveling, I’ve never heard more than 20 minutes total of a Howard Stern radio show.  I have lingered over his TV show on “E!” a few times which is a telecast of that day’s show.  The show is always Howard “talking dirty” to two mostly naked bimbos while his posse of sideshow geeks leer and snort.  Sometimes the girls fit my definition of “pretty” but I find myself wondering “what do their daddies think about all this?”  Apparently most of their “daddies” are either drunk, drugged, or auditioning to join Howard’s geek posse.

    Technology eventually ensnares us all but, for now, Howard Stern being on Siris satellite will not cause me to even consider signing up.  Most SSays regulars probably aren’t Stern fans except for that quite odd faction of loon punks that are addicted to Howard AND BobLee and probably glue-sniffing, bicycle seat licking and Lord knows what else.

    My friend Prince Albert The Long spent 20+ years in a nationwide Christian youth ministry.  For simplicity sake “sorta like Fellowship of Christian Athletes”.  Neither Albert nor Johnny Evans will mind that comparison.  Albert is retired now.  He spoke to thousands of high school assemblies over the years with a message similar to the popular “A Purpose Driven Life”.  When Albert dies, as we all will, I hope the weather is nice so lots and lots of people will show up and say “Good life, well lived Albert.  You and Jackie enjoy your eternal reward, my friend.”   Howard Stern will “make more money” in a month than Albert, and many others of us, has made in a lifetime.  I won’t go to Howard Stern’s funeral regardless of the weather.  

    I am sure this is the first time in Internet history that Howard Stern and Albert Long have been mentioned in the same paragraph.  Flag it!

(The “Amazing Story” is at the end … keep reading.)

    We got a nice Christmas card from Clyde and Norma King.  Last year was the first time in 60 years that Clyde did not attend spring training with professional baseball.  He is 80 now and starting to “slow down” although George Steinbrenner won’t let him “retire”.  Clyde recommended George pick up Nomar for 3rd, move A-Rod to shortstop, and Jeter to center.  George decided to do the Damon deal instead.  I guarantee you George ran that by Clyde before he did it.  If Clyde had had strong reservations, George wouldn’t have done it.

    Clyde is a good friend of Albert’s too.  I’ve dealt with some low down dirty no-counts in my life.  “Quality guys” like Clyde and Albert help balance them out.

    I see that McDonald’s is bringing the “McRib” back again.  Every McRib revival (how many have there been?) I buy one, having forgotten I don’t like them.  They are awful.  I figure it must have been originally invented by Ray Kroc’s grand daughter and he stipulated it had to be regularly revived in her honor.  The final burial of the “McRib” will be another funeral I will pass on.

    It’s 5:00 AM on Christmas Eve 2005.  I woke up at 3:30 thinking – 

  • This time next year, Kid will have been “away at college” for four months.  
  • Mizzus Swagger will be a year into her real estate career.  
  • UNC will have had “a new OC” for a season.  
  • I will have paid back Swampy’s bank on my truck loan  
  • I’ll have 12 years to go on the mortgage.  

    I wonder if, over the next 12 months, I will be inspired to write an incredible column that will alter the course of, at least Western, civilization.  Like The Serenity Prayer.  That would be neat. You never know.

If I guaranteed umbrellas for anyone who will show up at my rainy day funeral, I wonder if that would boost attendance?  Suppose they were those really good golf umbrellas and attendees could take them as a souvenir?  

    “Hey, where did you get that really nice umbrella?” … “At BobLee Swagger’s funeral.” … “Who was he?”… “Beats me, I heard they were giving away umbrellas. I figured ,what the heck, I can always use a good umbrella.”


 Swagger’s Stumper

 What does every kid do with a Red Ryder BB gun?


  BobLee was on WPTF last week with RickandDonna Martinez talking about that Victoria Secret column.  BobLee said “French whorehouse” over the public airwaves.  Is that how Howard Stern does it?  Probably not … Donna was fully dressed and Rick is definitely not a retarded midget.

THEAMAZING STORY … The first Christmas BobLee ever spent “away from home” was December ’69.  He was on Dan Devine’s FB staff @ Missouri.  They were in Miami for the 1970 Orange Bowl vs an independent school from the northeast with a rather odd looking young coach.  36 years have passed, BLS has done all sorts of stuff.  That “odd looking young coach” got stuck at the same job and, guess what, he’s STILL IN MIAMI getting ready to play in the 2006 Orange Bowl … Eyetalian fella name of Paterno……… You won’t get that story on Sportscenter. 

    Rough week on Franklin Street … (1) Heels lose to SoCal … (2) Rasheed Wallace’s cousin killed in drug bust … (3) Shav Randolph doing very well w/ Sixers.  Bah, humbug!

   That stuff about the dirty magazines between the mattress and box springs is absolutely true.  You thought you were the only one to do that … didn’t you?

    David Seville created The Chipmunks … Theodore, Simon, and ALLLVin!  He also recorded The Witch Doctor – ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang.  He died in 1972.  I wonder if people at his funeral dressed up as chipmunks and sang that Witch Doctor song.  That would be a cool funeral I think.

   Don’t worry that BobLee is despondent with all the morbidity.  We creative sorts are just weird this way.  Many “creative sorts” are also Liberal Democrats … BobLee’s not THAT weird.

[email protected]

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x