One Jock, One Blond, … … … No Towel!

January17/ 2000

That old Mod Squad opening line now modified for MNF.  ..I didn’t see “The Ad” when it originally ran Monday night.  I haven’t watched MNF in years.  ..Does Dandy Don still do that “Party’s over” bit?  .. Nicollette Sheridan becomes the first SSays trivia skank to go “prime time” as the frat boys at “a mainstream network” piss in our cultural punchbowl ONCE AGAIN!  I will NEVER run out of material for this column!

   As ALWAYS happens with these Sodom & Gomorrah brouhahas … the aftermath debate attracts mucho more attention than the original sin itself.  Which, DUH, ABC absolutely knew would happen.

   For those of you with productive lives who missed it … ABC ran a promo ad for its current “hit” show Desperate Housewives just prior to Monday Night Football earlier this week.  It involved Nicollette Sheridan wearing naught but a towel in the Eagles locker room with Terrell Owens.  Following a modicum of double entendre banter, Nicci drops the towel (wardrobe malfunction) and jumps into Terrell’s arms.  NOTE: Terrell did not pull a Sharpie out of his sock and autograph Nicci’s cosmetically augmented rack.

   Surely you vividly remember Nicolette’s first cinematic crossover role into sports … “Strip Croquet”.  Yes, as a Knots Landing’s bimbette in the 80s, Ms Sheridan (Paige) played William Devane (Greg Sumner) in a lascivious version of that stately old lawn game.  

   Viewers expecting to see Bill Devane do the Full Monty were foiled.  DUH! … as Devane cleared the final wicket, Paige’s panties nestled gently around her shapely ankles.  As a “milestone in TV” it ranked right along with “the birth of Little Ricky”,  “Barney and Thelma Lou’s honeymoon”, and “The Beav’s first zit”.  Other than Abby’s eye makeup, what else do you recall about Knots Landing? … I rest my croquet mallet. 

   The ensuing years since that sporting date with Devane have been lean for Nicci.  A few low-rated TV movies and the occasional walk-on as “socialite tramp” and/or “hot-bloodied skank” have been about it.  She married a few times and broke up another 3-4 marriages but nothing out of the ordinary for a woman of her talents.

   Then along came Desperate Housewives, which we quickly learn is essentially Sex In The City Moves To (you got it) Knots Landing.  Hey, whatever happened to that Strip Croquet sleazette … Yo, Nicci … Lights, Camera, Pout!

   Now Nicci ain’t the Ho Diva in this one … not by a longshot.  You got your basic Terri (Lois Lane) Hatcher and Marcia (Melrose Place psycho) Cross getting top billing.  Terri’s career peaked that first season with Dean Cain in Lois & Clark not to discount her cute Radio Shack commercials with Howie Long.  Marcia Cross always struck me as that lonely neurotic that haunts every Ramada Inn cocktail lounge in America looking for Mr. Right Tonight.

   The breakout star in this ensemble erotica will surely be Eva Longoria as “Gabrielle”.  Eva is THE #1 REASON that so many young men in testosterone overload choose “residential pool cleaning” and “lawn maintenance” as career paths.  Standing on her patio wearing a diaphanous teddy and holding a frosty glass of lemonade, Ms Longoria (see right!) is incentive aplenty to cause any virile young heterosexual to discard his leaf blower.

   The current story line has “Gabrielle” getting it on with the 17 y/o lawn boy unbeknownst, of course, to her dutiful success-driven husband, Carlos, and live-in mother-in-law.  In one episode, Gabby has mom-in-law arrested for shop lifting at Victoria’s Secret so she can slip away for an afternoon delight w/ “Slater”, her boy toy.

(OK, it’s not actually “Slater” (Mario Lopez) who was married to Ally (Doritos Girl) Landry for 3 weeks before Ally learned that Mario banged the hooker at his bachelor party.  How do you know all this crap BobLee?  “Mr. Belding” is a friend of mine, Silly.)

   Nicollette’s primary role in this Southern California-based “cul-in-de sac” sex romp seems to be washing her car wearing Daisy Dukes, flaring nostrils, and lots of soapsuds.  She’s not as fetching at it as that gal in Cool Hand Luke … but I digress.  You get the picture. This is NOT Seventh Heaven!

   Lets get back to Nicci and Terrell in the Eagles lockerroom.  This one breaks new barriers for sexual innuendos as we add a titillating racial component into the sensual mix.  We have the Mandingo Warrior and the helpless blond ingénue in, of all places, a men’s lockerroom.  As visions of O.J. and Nicole come into view, since “good taste” is on vacation anyway, lets have Kato Kaitlin show up selling Ginsu knives.

When you saw the ad, what really “grabbed” you … simply the “nakedness” OR the very blond white woman w/ the very black man PLUS the nakedness?  Did you think “Kobe & The Concierge”?  Would Nicollette w/ Tom Brady have elicited the same reaction? … just a rhetorical question to enliven your water cooler debates.

   Leave it to the “suits” at ABC and the NFL to be the comic relief in all of this.  Get this … “NO ONE knew about the commercial until it actually ran on the air … NO ONE”.  We are suppose to believe ABC had planned a PSA on “Adopt a Biafran Orphan” and those scamps from Delta House – Bluto, Otter, and Flounder impishly substituted the Nicci Drops Her Towel tape.


 Paul Tagliabue is playing the Dean Wormer role … FURIOUS and threatening “Double Secret Probation” for ABC.  Do you get this image of “suits” around the conference table at ABC “demanding an explanation” while giggling into their lattes as Bluto, Otter, and Flounder tip toe by the window in “Mr Grinch steals the Whos’ toys” mode?


Cut to the chase … MNF ratings will continue to tumble (“turn out the lights …”) … Desperate Housewives will run hot and steamy for two seasons max … Nicci Sheridan will never reach Elke Sommer heights of pulchritude … and American culture spirals ever downward into the septic abyss.

Is this “Ad” any worse than the booty-shakin’ cheerleaders, the endless ED ads, the suggestive beer ads, etc etc etc?  Probably not; but we are hanging by a gossamer thread from on-screen copulation and “snuff films” … anything that moves us inexorably closer to that fateful day is probably worth public debate and a little “whoa” from us “religious fanatics”.


Swagger’s Stumper

What did Knots Landing “spin off” from?


WHY would you name anyone “Vallene”?


   1,000s of SSays readers were just waiting for a Wimpy question … they were all over this one.  That the question aired on a “Tuesday” was no coincidence.

   How come … ??? … Wuffies were ready to behead Herb for finishing 2nd in the ACC … but profess undying love for Chuck who has never finished higher than 4th, and not nearly that high this year. Hey, Coach Sendek, try wearing Groucho glasses and one sequined glove.

   PLEASE DICKIE DON’T call a press conference to announce you are NOT firing John assuming he beats Duke.  Just take your Leadership Development gig and fade away PLEASE!

John Thompson fired at ECU … one less anonymous middle-aged bald white guy stalking the streets of Greenville.  Will Terry Holland go after Spurrier, Jimmy Johnson, or Jerry Faust?

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