No More Red Shirts or Green Bananas

January17/ 2000

… College Football underwent a major “epiphany” this week.  It wasn’t WHAT but WHO did it that is significant.  No academic institution likes to admit it’s a shameless whore to the rude, crude, and boorish Fat Cats and flapdoodles in its fan base.  They wait for someone else to officially lower the bar … then the other 116 schools que up in the limbo line. How low can we go?

   When something “outrageous” happens at “a football factory” the rest of the sports nation giggles, rolls their eyes proclaiming “things like THAT don’t happen at dear Ol’ WhatsAMatter U … we have OUR priorities in line don’t you know!”  

   The standard definition of “football factory” is “any school in the SEC not known as Commodores” or “any school in the Big 10/11/12 not located in Evanston IL” … and throw in ANY school located in Florida including the Appalachicola School of Auctioneering and Toe Nail Art (ASATNA).

  The state of Alabama is perceived as “the other side of the tracks” when it comes to pure unadulterated adulterous behavior … Auburn and U of Alabama have always been Div 1-A’s 6-toed cross-eyed cousins.  Whether its Auburn’s Bobby Lauder (THE most disgusting Fat Cat since UCLA’s Sam Gilbert drowned in his hot tub), Mike Dubose (diddling his secretary), Mike Price (the Pensacola Prevaricator), or that clodhopper that flung the brick thru Bill Curry office’s window … every other school uses AU and UA to excuse their own sordid behavior … at least we’re not low rent trailer trash like THEY are.

   Move over Red Elephants and War Eagles, here comes The Cardinal & The Leprechaun and throw in those sanctimonious Mormons too.  Leyland Stanford, The Pope, and old Brigham Young hisownself just got down and dirty with college football’s skankiest trollops.  I can’t begin to imagine how dear lovable Ol’ Bill Friday is handling this latest news.

   Stanford, Notre Dame, and Brigham freakin’ Young just reordered their once lofty and meritorious institutional priorities … giving thumbs up to 114 other coeds at the BCS prom to slip off their panties and crawl in the backseat for a ménage a trios with Mr Fat Cat and the Internet Loonies.

   EVERY Div 1-A Head Coach is now officially “temporary help” on day-day employment contracts.  Well EVERY one but ONE – Joe Paterno.  In the wake of college football latest “what have you done for us lately (with lately defined as “that last offensive series”)” what is going on high atop Mount Nittany is beyond comprehension.  Bless his heart, the one guy that should be shown the door isn’t going anywhere until HE says it’s time … and he ain’t wearing a watch.

   I must give my Deacon friends a hearty SA-LUTE … they do love Jim Grobe and his 4-5 Ws each year and all those 4th quarter “almosts”.

   That clichéd phrase “a full recruiting cycle” just joined “scatback”, “jump pass”, and “quick kick” in college football’s lexicon memory trunk in the attic.  

   “Grandpa, what was ‘a recruiting cycle?” … 

   “Why, Johnny, that was a term used way back at the turn of the New Millenium for allowing a coach to actually unpack and tour the campus before the first “” website goes on-line.”    

   With 3 years now the official “BCS or Bus Ticket Outta Town” standard endorsed by “legitimate academic institutions” like Stanford, Notre Dame, and Brigham Young; all the various diploma mills are free to tar and feather their slow producing coaches immediately following his introductory press conference.  

   “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are proud to introduce the next savior of our tradition riddled football program … Coach WhatsYourName Again… Ready – Aim – Fire his Ass!”

   Those aforementioned trendsetters in Tuscaloosa of course hold the record by firing Lap Dance Mike before he ever coached one game.

   “Five Year Plans” are Out … “Two Minute (to Keep My Job) Drills” are IN.

   Consider this:  WHY in the name of common sense and Beano Cook’s chins will ANY coach ever “red shirt” any kid from now on?  Any coach that does not pull out every stop to win every game every Saturday is just plain stupid.  “Red Shirting” from now on makes less sense than George Burns buying Green Bananas.  

Memo to Skip Holtz:  Rent, Don’t Buy!

   We have now entered the wild and wooly world of “Quick Fix Football”.  It’s an “Urban Culture” now … JuCos and whoever you can slip past the Admissions Director for this coming Saturday.  So the kid only hangs around one semester, hell, he might make a saving tackle and buy the coach an extra week’s pay.

   The NBA has these 10 day contract things … Yo, David Stern fax a copy of one of those to Miles Brand % NCAA.

   Spare me the sanctimonious blather about UNC being “above all this”.  John Bunting is the head coach at UNC today because a zebra saw (or thought he saw) TA McLendon’s knee touch the ground at 10:00 PM on October 9.  If TA gets that TD then John Bunting is checking the waiver wire for NFL assistant jobs today instead of backflipping over Cameron Sexton and breaking down Boston College game film.  One eye blink on One play in One game is all that separates “The University of The People” from sending whoever was all set to replace “Dickie” on some frenetic coaching scavenger hunt.

   If John Bunting is 1-2 in mid-September in 2005, the goggle-eyed lynch mob will reassemble.  I sure hope John realizes that.  This past October 8, John Bunting’s rotweilers didn’t want to get their pictures taken with him … and Chuck Amato was primed to challenge Guv For Life Jim Hunt’s longevity record for employment by the State of North Carolina.  TWO MONTHS later the axles are sagging from all the new jumpers on The Bunting Bandwagon and Reggie Herring is skipping out of West Raleigh because pigs suddenly look better than wolves … Go Figure!

   Good Ol’ Carolina was a pacesetter in the 3 & Out game … ask the Dohertys and the Torbushes. Oh, but that was DIFFERENT BobLee … sure it was … and shoplifting X-boxes from Wal-Mart is “different” from swiping Twix bars from vending machines.

   There is no difference … once an institution says Winning Is Our Top Priority … it really doesn’t matter what the 2nd and 3rd priorities are. Kinda like names on Kevin White’s list other than “Urban” … there weren’t any … Ouch!

   Don’t think Ol’ Swagger is distraught about this.  I’ve been in the belly of this ravenous beast too long.  The next pompous jackass that mentions graduation rates and “character development” in the same paragraph as Big Time College Football better be talking about the Army – Navy Game.

   There is one part of all this that does bug me a bit … I understand how blowhard Fat Cats can swing their weight around and intimidate linguine-spined ADs and University Admin nerds … but I just can’t believe anybody takes these Internet Lunatics seriously.  Remember that bar scene in the first episode of Star Wars?  Didn’t you ever wonder where George Lucas found that crowd?


Swagger’s Stumper

Who was “the cooler” at The Double Deuce?


   Roxanne Melman was Arnie’s long suffering “assistant” at Brachman & Brachman. Yes, she married a flim flam huckster who is now on Law & Order.  Harry Hamlin married our favorite skank “Nico” Sheridan but “Nico” was not on the show.

   Score Updates … Jeremy Foley – 1 … Kevin White – 0.  If Kevin gets summoned for an audience at the Vatican it won’t be for a photo op.  Nick Saban sure was hoping Urban could squeeze 2.5 or even 3 out of Jeremy … hehehehe!

   Our companion website is kicking major butt from sea to shining sea.  It’s pretty short on “nuance” and certainly not for everyone, but an audience of 60,000,000 ain’t too bad. That’s more folks than can spell or care about “Dickie”, Chuck, or Meezie.

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