Mr BobLee Goes To Washington

January17/ 2000

… Yours truly was summoned to Foggy Bottom on Monday to confab with “The District’s corporate glitterati”.  A follow-up report is attached. …. Jackassity and a Visceral Vacumn combine in Chapel Hill.  …. Huzza Huzza to Mavs and Spurs!  Boston College joins “the new ACC” in a oh-so-familiar fashion. …. As our busy road warrior heads to Beale Street and Graceland.

Leadership of Greater Washington invited “The Johnny Appleseed of The Baby Boomer Generation” to their May get-together in Bethesda MD on Monday.  “Leadership of (fill in city name)” is a nation-wide program in which area “fast-track” executives are given extensive exposure to behind the scenes elements of their community to enhance their ability to contribute with their individual skills and interests.

In the early 90s, during my ill-fated “Poseidon Adventure” to “pretend to be respectable”, I went thru Rawlee’s similar “Leadership” program.  The program is hardly geared to “rogue curmudgeons” and for damn good and valid reasons.  My most vivid memories was the group’s visit to Central Prison.

Our “class” of 20 or so included 8-9 lady “fast track” executives each of whom carried a pastel leather Day-Timer and wore “sensible shoes” as I recall.  As we toured “general population” it was noted that the toilet stalls had “no stalls”, simply a row of commodes.  As our distaff members remarked on the “icky factor” of such an arrangement, the inmates began a “hey chicky chicky chicky” chant.  It’s funny the things you remember from your past.

Arriving “on the beltway” Sunday night, I had neglected to make advance hotel reservations … NOT a smart move.  A three hour futile search for an inn w/ a room lacked only a donkey carrying a pregnant virgin to be historical.  When all alone and dealing with such futility I resort to the time-honored male practice of shuffling thru my entire profanity vocabulary.  My personal such file is about 25 minutes long before I enter “unknown tongues” aka “Pentacostal Profanity”.  It’s not my most admirable trait as Mizzus oft reminds me.  She is correct.

I had Alan Jackson on the SwaggerMobile CD but I pretty much drowned him out.  At 11:40 PM I found “the last room in Washington” … a Comfort Inn near Tyson’s Corner.  A Comfort Inn for $166/night … can I bargain shop or what!

Monday’s sunrise brought “a new day”.  Like the proverbial “goose” I awoke with no bitter memories.

“The District’s” Leadership Class reflects the demographics of the area … 65% African-American participation.  Unlike the Amos ‘n Andy vaudeville troupe in Derm, these were accomplished achievers who had poly-syllabic vocabularies properly used.  Did I deign to bring up “Duke Lacrosse” for group discussion?  What do you think?  Hell, yeah!

The first opinions from everyone were “that idiot prosecutor created this mess”.  While “the facts” are still “murky” with opinions tending to skew along racial lines, and did with this group, it was unanimous that (1) it is a grandly unfortunate trainwreck, and (2) Nifong is soooo far out of his league, if it was a Little League game the 10-run rule would be invoked.

One lady at our table knew “Malik” as he had worked for the company she is with at one point.  She recalled him as “one good-looking hunka man”.  My comparison of Malik to Dwayne Wayne of “A Different World” was not shared but no argument insued over the difference of opinion.  It was an enjoyable day and no one threw anything at me, nor me at them.

I knew I would get home too late for the two-hour “24” finale but Mizzus and Kid had double-checked the DVR settings.  Beginning at 8:15, Mizzus called me with cryptic updates of “Oh my goodness, you won’t believe what just happened” but was carefully not to reveal what “what” was.

I stopped at a BP station in Ashland VA at 9:00 PM.  A fellow driving a Dodge Ram pick-up pulled in ahead of me and courteously pulled up to the far pump giving me access to the rear pump.  Pick-up truck drivers tend to show such natural courtesy to others pick-up truck drivers.

As I went in to give the snaggle-toothed C-store manager my “fleet card” I noticed a small 8” TV on her counter and heard the familiar “24” theme.  “24” addicts are a special breed.  I explained I “don’t want to know” as I would see the 2-hour finale in toto after midnight at home.  She understood.

She got so flustered that she mixed-up my pump with the Dodge Ram guy’s.  We all courteously sorted out the miscue and she rewarded me with a complimentary CountryTime lemonade for my patient understanding.  I figured this was another “road parable” I would have to share with Kid at some point.

The next big decision was the I-85 or I-95 dilemma at Petersburg.  I opted for I-85 aka “the darkest stretch of highway in America”.  I’ve studied this situation.  From Petersburg VA to Henderson NC, the ONLY illumination other than vehicle headlights is one 40 watt bulb at a rest stop outside South Boston.  That stretch of highway is darker than Teddy Kennedy’s colon.

Oh, oh, oh … BIG NEWS!  I actually saw a road sign announcing Saint Paul’s College in Lawrenceville VA.  Beneath the standard VaDOT sign there is now a cardboard and magic marker sign “The Soon-To-Be Alma Mater of Coach Sid”.  I wondered if anyone will put such a sign on the Chapel Sign highway sign … Bunny Hole Ho #2 (“Kim The Embezzler”) Went To School Here For Two Years … I doubt it.

I did stay up until 3AM watching “24”.  I am NOT happy with the way it concluded.  I do suspend belief with 90% of how Jack and his pals save the world but much of the finale was even too much for “24”.  Mizzus put a stop watch to “the Logans” little sexual dalliance and even with the benefit of doubt, it came in at 12.7 seconds.   Foreplay isn’t exactly “Jellyfish Logan’s” strength.  The quite evil Chi-Comms have our boy, Jack, on the quintessential “slow boat to Shanghai” from now til January.  Be brave Mr Bauer, be brave!


    The rabid burgomeisters of Chapel Hill have taken time out from issuing proclamations calling for President Bush’s impeachment, towing away any vehicle with a Bush-Cheney bumpersticker, and renaming streets for “people they like”, to demolish another “Carolina tradition” … no more Franklin Street celebrations EXCEPT “when Carolina wins National Basketball championships”.  Ya gotta love their pretentiousness to actually allow for that “exception”.

I cannot bring myself to ever agree with any elected official within 10 miles of  The Old Well but this decision was inevitable.  The “jackassity” of “the great unwashed” has reached the level that no matter what rules are in place for general public welfare, the jackasses will exceed them in their wanton destruction of property and need to publicly display their “jackassness”.  Actually punishing public miscreants would be a nice touch but “you know Chapel Hill” … let’s not hurt the feelings of Mad Mohammed The Self-Admitted Psycho SUV Driver by calling him “a name”.

The response from the South Building “brain thrust” was predictable!  “The Meez” has ordered 50,000 Carolina Blue votive candles and thinks one of his whizbang “silent vigils” would be cool stretching from Eastgate Shopping Center to Carr Mill.  “We beat Dook … everyone light a candle and hum.”  When is somebody going to drop the hammer on that loonie?


 Boston College Passes Another ACC Litmus Test

    Let’s hear it for those disrespectful academic nitwits on Chestnut Hill.  Secretary of State Rice agreed to speak at the commencement.  Oh so predictably BC’s cadre of “never had a real job” constipated academaniacs rounded up their usual gaggle of disenfranchised flat-chested ugly girls and pimply-faced boys who couldn’t climb the rope in PE to publicly disrupt Secretary Rice’s appearance.  Wonder if UNC sent a busload of its legendary ugly girls and pimply-faced boys to augment BC’s supply?


    No doubt about it … that Mavs vs Spurs series was compelling basketball.  One of sports most endearingly trite clichés is “the NBA isn’t worth watching until the playoffs”.  I had mixed feeling.  I love Tim Duncan and Manu but I like Mark Cuban too.  If the Suns had Amare how good would they be?


    BLS is off to Memphis for five days.  Corky’s is on the menu itinerary.  Maybe I’ll drop by to see “Calimari” and find out why he “really” turned down “the best college BB job in the history of THE WORLD!”

You get in touch with Paladin via “Wire Paladin – San Francisco”.

        Ooo, ooo … speaking of cool awards … our Bunny Hole column earned BobLee his first comparison to Carl Hiassen, fabled gonzo novelist from Miami.  Grizzard, Hiassen and Swagger … STRONG company to be sure.

   NOTICE … If you have EVER be seen with Jim Black in public, please turn yourself in to Jones Street authorities for immediate disembowlement.  The “round-up of Black’s co-conspirators” has begun … hang’em!


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