January17/ 2000

…. Marvin The Messiah IS STAYING generated an orgasmic euphoria in Chapel Hill not seen since Ol’ Roy buried his monkey last April.  As delirious Tar Heels looked for a Honda to torch on Franklin Street, BobLee imagines Mrs Hal Hunter, Mrs Brad Lawing, and Mrs Andre Powell dreaming of 100% raises for their hubbies too …. no?  The Little Prince does his Sallie Fields impression … Mizzus Swagger reminds us “it’s just play money” … and a comment about “my hero” – STEVE LOGAN.

    You may not know that they are holding historical elections in Iraq on Thursday … you may not know that Stanley “Tookie” Williams was finally toe-tagged (while the Hollyweirds lit candles) and will not be blowing away any more innocent victims … you may not have even heard that Ron Artest wants to be T.O. when he grows up … BUT I bet you have heard that Prince Tassel Loafer convinced Meezie to “pay whatever it takes” to keep Marvin Sanders as UNC’s Defensive Coordinator for the next three years.  

That “whatever” is $250,000/year for a guaranteed three years.  Meezie originally had authorized $170,000 for 3 years.  Marvin was making $140,000.  Kansas State said Marv was worth $300,000/year to them.  Who knew that Kansas State was the Allan Greenspan of assistant coaches salaries.  If “they” think he’s worth it … he must be.  ERGO Meezie acquiesced and anted up.

NOTE … I have met Marvin Sanders briefly and quite superficially on two occasions.  He seems like a VERY fine fellow.  I do NOT begrudge him one penny of this windfall.

Salaries for assistant coaches are a budget line item for the University of North Carolina.  Assistant coaches are NOT hired guns on the secret payroll of selected members of The Gimghoul Starchamber.  Paul Fulton, Johnny Harris, et al have not adopted Marvin Sanders to raise.  Yes, the Fat Cats did pass the hat to facilitate Ol’ Roy moving from Lawrence on a sticky little “buy-out” issue but that’s another story altogether.

The monies that Meezie OKed for Marvin came out of a shoe box labeled “Athletic Department salaries”.  Dickie reaches into that shoebox to pay all the coaches for all the sports at UNC.  It comes out of his budget which indirectly comes out of the overall operating budget for “the University”.  

Following the above “money trail”, arbitrarily giving $100,000/year more to Marv generates major angst among the hairy armpitted, flag-burning goggle-eyed faculty bizarros.  And THAT IS a very good thing.  Maybe a VW bus fulla the nuts will leave … ya think?  Yes, Marv’s defense giving up 69 to Louisville and two 4th quarter bombs to Maryland was a bit “embarrassing” to the University, but, unlike the faculty bizarros, embarrassing the University was NOT his intention.  The visual of Susie “Racquetball” Estroff and her academaniacs hearing about Meezie opening the secret salary stash for Marv had to be a hoot.

   If this dramatic increase for Marv did not effect the overall administration of the University, then Dickie would not have been required to have Meezie sign off on it.  Meezie knows it will generate repercussions just like “installing Jumbo” had repercussions.

Is Marvin Sanders “worth” $250,000/year for 3 years.  A quick sociological comparison … He is A FOOTBALL COACH.  He is not a marine on patrol in Falujah.  He is not a fireman running into a burning building to save strangers.  He is not an EMT treating a sucking chest wound from a “drive-by” in an urban back alley.  Marvin Sanders is “an Assistant Football Coach”.  When desert island castaways assign responsibilitiess in survival societies “assistant football coach” is rarely on the first page.  Neither is porsche mechanic or “raconteur” for that matter.

I hear “the players really like Coach Sanders”.  That’s nice.  Buy each player an anatomically-correct Beyonce blow-up doll @ $75/ea.  They’ll really like that too.  That’s $6,000 leaving $94,000/year.  Blow-Up Beyonce doesn’t require F.I.C.A. or health care benefits.  Just a thought.  Include the trainers and support staff.  They have feelings too.

Marvin did his very best this past season helping UNC to a 5-6 record.  None of the players under his direction over the past two years have received all-star recognition.  Marvin Sanders will now be making more money than Randy Shannon, Bud Foster, and Mickey Andrews.  Randy, Bud, and Mickey are Defensive Coordinators at Miami, VaTech, and FSU respectively.  Randy and Mickey wear National Championship rings.  Bud has coordinated defenses in two BCS games.

It’s not “my money” that Dickie and Meezie will be paying Marvin.  I will invest the same amount of my time and money in UNC Athletics for the next three years as I did the past dozen.  I assume Marvin will invest as much of his time and expertise towards being successful as he has done the past two seasons.  Which brings us to Mrs Hal Hunter and the other assistant coaches wives.

Lets assume that Hal, Brad, Andre and the rest of the staff all work hard, arrive early, leave late, and think UNC Football 24/7.  I don’t include the “old guys” in this … Ken Browning and John Gutekunst.  Their kids are grown and their lifestyle are well-established.  Ken could live well off his pension from the NC Teachers Fund having been “vested” when he left Northern Durham.  Until this week, the salary structure around Kenan Field House “made sense”.  The vagarities were insignificant.  Now “one of’em” gets a $100,000/year raise to do the very same job he did this past year.  Same 24/7 “bleed Carolina Blue” that his fellow assistants all do.  Let’s assume the “guys” can put it aside and live with it.  You just have to wonder what their wives are thinking.  I suggest Marv at least agree to spring for the doughnuts for those early morning meetings.

Is there more in the secret stash shoebox to soothe the bruised egos of the rest of the staff?  Has Dickie inadvertedly opened a Pandora’s Box of discontent.  We’re not even counting what happens if an outside Offensive Coordinator is hired.  “Tranq” was making modest “Tranq” dollars.  A semi-marquee name now knows that $250,000/yr for 3 years is the baseline for a “coordinator” at UNC.  Methinks Susie Estroff and her faculty bizarros “ain’t seen nothing yet”.  And I repeat my question from a past column … what about Jared and CB?

As the Queen of Sports Apathy herself – Mizzus Swagger – noted … “It’s not like this is a real business even pretending to use common sense.  It’s not even “real money”.  If they run out they just beg for more.”  … like Freddie Frat Boy when the ATM machine says “sorry Freddie, you’re tapped out”.  Just call Daddy on the cellphone and hang a guilt trip on the old man until he transfer the funds. 

   Tar Heel fans are not insensitive to this sizable hit to the UNC Sports coffers.  Three “real fans” already ran down to Johnny T-shirt’s to buy new ballcaps.  Hey, those licensing pennies add up. 


    And what about Dickie?  Here’s the scenario of Dickie’s discussion with The Meez to “do whatever it takes” to keep Marv.  “PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE Mr Chancellor Sir.  The Lunatic Fringe will REALLY hate me if Marv leaves.  This might be my only chance to ever “get them to like me”.

    Giving Meezie credit for a modicum of executive insight … I picture Meezie coming out from behind his big fancy Chancellor desk (unstapling his tie from the desk blotter, of course) and placing his gentle organ-playing hand on Dickie’s shoulder.  “OK, Dickie, I’ll give you the money for Marv and I’ll endure unbelievable sh*t from the faculty squirrels … but, Dickie, there ain’t nothing that I nor God Almighty can ever do that will cause the Lunatic Fringe to EVER “like you”.”

The Little Prince looks up at The Meez and nods … “Yes sir, I know that; but could you at least ask Marvin to give me an attaboy in his “I’m staying” speech?”

“Yes, Dickie, I think I can do that.  Now run along.  I have a meeting with the Bi-sexual Bush-hating Islamic Dwarfs Coalition about their new “Cultural Center” … and they get feisty if I’m late.” 


    What’s all this about Steve Logan and UNC?  Well first, Steve Logan is my hero.  I flat LOVE THE GUY.  He is THE best thing to hit sports talk radio since that picture of Amy The Buzz Babe on her knees holding the baseball bat.  The only way I “let him” take a position as UNC’s OC is that he can keep the 850TheBuzz gig.  He truly is INCREDIBLE on the air … and, best of all, he has even less respect for the Lunatic Fringe than BobLee AND Dave Glenn do combined (and that’s a LOT of disrespect).  Steve Logan is a football coach with a brain AND a sense of humor.  Trust me, that makes him an “endangered species” for sure.

Dickie leaked on Wednesday that Steve was “advising” John Bunting.  Why Dickie felt he needed to “leak that” is unclear. No doubt part of his ill-fated “please like me” campaign.  Poor little fellow.  He doesn’t get it that “irrational Dickie-hate” trails only Basketball in fan appeal at UNC.  We get Carlyle Cup points for it.


 Swagger’s Stumper

 What gun did Dirty Harry carry?

HINT: “the most powerful handgun made” 


    SLIM PICKENS (and not Gabby Hayes) “rode the bomb” in Dr Strangelove.  I didn’t realize how many Strangelove addicts we have around here.

    Quinn Snyder Update … Mizzou officials claim their new “Not Paige Anymore” Arena is “the finest on-campus sports facilty” in America … yawn, EVERY facility ever built claims that in order to squeeze more $$$ from their gullible fan base.  Anyway … Quinn’s Tiger cagers are averaging 6,000 and comps per game in the 15,000 seat building.  Quinn gets a $200,000 bonus if they average 11,000.  Maybe Mizzou’s “no-account, incompetent AD” will use those bucks to outbid Big 12 rival K-State for a hot-shot DC!

   Gotta feel sorry for Mike Mason … the Marv Media Tsunami completed obliterated his departure … Andy Warhol owes him 13 minutes.  

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