Memo To Myles Brand

January17/ 2000

…The Swaggers experienced their first “High Def” March Madness Weekend.  Well fortified with plenty of tuna fish, Triscuits, peanut butter, Chocolate Mocha Fudge ice cream, and a 55 gallon drum of Diet Coke; yours truly joined most of civilized North America and a great deal of very uncivilized North America in this most special of annual sports festivals.  BobLee kept copious notes and passes his observation on to NCAA Czar Myles Brand … the Bud Selig of Intercollegiate Athletics.


  To: Myles Brand  

  From: BobLee Swagger 

   We had a blast watching the games.  I have to admit I did not watch every minute of every game or even every minute of every ACC team’s game. Unlike “Heel4Ever”, “Pack4Ever”, “Dook4Ever”, “Deac4Ever”, “PhogMan”, and “CatamountCathy” and their assorted Loons-A-Million fellow inmates, I do have a life.

   Santa brought us a fancy “High Def” TV for Christmas.  We watched the Super Bowl on it but really enjoyed it this weekend.  With “High Def” we can actually read those scores up at the top of the screen.

   The tournament, of course, goes on for two more weeks but this opening round with 64 teams is really special. Those dozen or so odd bizarro schools with their cute little fans that actually appreciate all the national exposure are fun to watch.  Of the 64 teams in your Battle Royal Over-The-Top-Rope Texas Chainsaw Death Match I counted 6-8 schools that, although now eliminated, seem to have made it a positive experience.  The other 58 or so, of course, feel it is their divine right to win the whole darn thing because, well because they ARE “whoever they are” and have this grand tradition yadda yadda yadda.  Of those 58 with rather inflated views of their self-importance, only one school and one gaggle of goggle-eyed looney fans will survive.

   The 63 eventual “losers” will slink back to their caves, burrows, and assorted campus compost heaps to disparage their vanquished combatants and debate whether their no-account leader, aka Coach Choke Again, should be shot, beheaded, or forced to make monkey love to David Spade.

   Oh … speaking of David Spade.  That Capitol One “No” commercial is, BY FAR, the most obnoxious piece of commercial fecal matter ever produced.  Our family voted it so the first time we saw it.  987,000,027 viewings later we still think so.  Every time it came on I reminded Kid “THAT is what those anonymous message board loonies look like”.   

   Some great games … the best by far was Wake Forest v West Virginia.  I hated to see the Deacons lose but it’s hard to imagine a more exciting sports event.  Where did you find that goofy Mountaineer player that was a dead ringer for Clay Aiken?  That geeky sumbitch hit some incredible pressure shots.  He and that scary Villanueva goon for UConn were our choices for “hey, come look at this funny looking guy!”.

   High Seeds that lost early like Syracuse and Kansas basically have no reason to exist any longer and should be bulldozed into land fills … except for Kansas which still has “Shannon” the INCREDIBLE calendar girl. We are invoking the Incredible Shannon Rule and sparing KU.

    After each set of games, I went to the websites of the participating schools.  One element was very clear.  You really should build a permanent arena for this event.  Call it Section 51 Arena and build it outside Roswell, New Mexico.  According to the losing fans … there are more conspiracies and nefarious skullduggery afoot than a 1,000 presidential assassinations and a dozen Florida elections.  Woweeeee there are some sad sick paranoid puppies out there.

   Thirty seven schools fanbases are certain that “the NCAA is out to get us!” and put them into unfairly loaded brackets.  The coach of Oakland, who was a dead ringer for “Flounder”, was just happy to be there.  I liked him.  Speaking of coaches … looks like a lot of African American head coaches now which is good … there will never be “enough” of course until “whitey is run out of basketball” except for that Clay Aiken kid from West Virginia and those “ferriners” that play for State. 

   The best “conspiracy” I read was either from a Wuff pup or a deluded Deacon … I believe it was a Deacon.  the nearest I could figure, Billy Packer, Larry Rose, or the aforementioned David Spade had “loosened the rims” on his team’s end of the court … not the opponents end. Just his team’s end.  He came to this conclusion by analyzing the sound of the caroming ball.  He was trying to organize a busload of fellow loonies to grab Phillips-head screwdrivers and head to the arena to “right the wrong” … but by the time they could get there the teams would have reversed ends of the court and it wouldn’t matter.  I am not sure if this fan has children or not … let’s hope not.

   There were, of course, multiple conversations among fans about boycotting American Express and Chevrolet for using Coach Satan HisOwnSelf in commercials.  Nearest I could figure on this one is the loonies, realizing that dog ain’t hunting anytime soon, were uniting with the KCan’tBreakDean’sRecord loonies to burn their AMEX cards and Chevy S-10s in protest.  This protest failed to get off the ground when the KCan’tBreakDean’sRecord loonies said their mammas would only let them burn Hondas.  That was OK since none of them had AMEX cards either … would burning their DMV learners permits count?

   Speaking of potential doom, gloom, and destruction … you might want to alert the National Guard about next weekend.  There is a possibility that UNC and NCSU could meet in the finals of the “Syracuse Regional”.  There is also the possibility that as well as NCSU is playing right now … they “could” win albeit UNC is playing MIGHTY well too.  Just the slimmest possibility that the Wuffies could get to The Final Four by beating the Tar Heels is more than the area within a 50 mile radius of the Intersection of I-40 and Miami Blvd can handle.  

   For sure Hillsborough Street would look like downtown Fallujah but it pretty much looks like that now anyway.  I’m more worried about “beautiful Franklin Street”.  I fear it might just fall into a giant sinkhole and the sun might never ever shine in Orange County again.  Given the option of “losing to State in a REALLY big BB game” or “appointing Jesse Helms as Chancellor For Life”, UNC might decide to give Ol’ Jess a call.  Just for safety’s sake, please assign Jim Knight as the referee for that game.  Yes, I realize he is a Football official … JUST DO IT … trust me.

   If UNC survives that far and God, who is officially recognized by UNC officials as “one of many possible creators but nothing special”, is indeed merciful; then UNC could meet Duke in St Louis in the semi-finals.  That perverted possibility has been predicted by biblical scholars and soothsayers for decades.  IF we get that far we might need more than Jim Knight especially if Ol’ Freddie Barakat somehow has Larry Rose show up in a striped shirt.

   Yes, I realize Freddie Barakat has nothing to do with assigning referees for NCAA games but reality “left this building” years ago.

   Oh, Myles, about that Most NCAA Tournament Wins Record that Coach Satan HisOwnSelf supposedly now has instead of Ye Olde Legend.  Give my UNC loonies 48 hours to come up with 1,853 completely ridiculous reasons why he should not be allowed to have that record.  You do know Myles that HE CUSSES don’t you?  Isn’t there a “no sideline F-bomb” addendum to that record?


Swagger’s Stumper

Who was Colonel Tom Parker


   Keith Smart hit the buzzerbeater when Indiana defeated Syracuse.

   We had 18 readers write us with the first assault wave of “why Winningest Coach Ever only counts if Dean holds the record”.  As Bob Knight wins 25 more games that number of “say it ain’t so” Deano Disciples will build … trust me … UNC fans are as predictable as … well, as Wuffie, Duke, and Deacon fans.  Probably as predictable as Golden Grizzly fans but I’ve never met one of them.

   Bob Huggins could have 900 wins and not one diploma.  Wonder how Myles will deal with that one?

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