Make Me An Offer

January17/ 2000

… What “disgusts” me the most? … If you said message boards or Barbara Boxer – WRONG! …I withhold my utmost contempt for the “recruiting process” whereby semi-literate high school “phenoms” have 50 y/o coaches kissing their rear ends while dim-witted fans further fuel their already monstrous egos… Top QB phenom Ryan Perrilloux and “the next Labron” illustrates the sad state of this sicko-preoccupation.

   Two fellows I count as friends make a portion of their living as “recruiting gurus” – David Glenn and Miller Safrit.  With due respect to these two entrepreneurs I am reminded of an old saying paraphrased … “Don’t tell my mamma I’m a recruiting guru. She thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.”

(NOTE:  Within just a few hours of being “up” this particular column is getting an INCREDIBLE # of views.  Which indicates its linked somewhere.  To 1st Timers … Welcome to SwaggerSays. Check out our archives. This is not your garden variety website)

   Cleaning up “Big Time college sports” is a more insurmountable task than counting chads in the upcoming Iraqi elections.  If anyone really cared about doing anything other than sanctimonious jaw flapping, “recruiting” is the first septic field to attack. The January 24 edition of Sports Illustrated had two glaring examples of how waaay beyond absurd this aspect of sports has dissolved.

   Ryan Perrilloux from Reserve LA is one of this year’s “super Phenoms”.  He is a QB and has the usual Carl Saganesque statistics inherent with each year’s cast.  He starred in the recent National High School All Star game – The U.S. Army All American Bowl.  The concept of that game alone is sad enough.  Young Ryan “verbally committed” to Texas back in August but TAA DAA has now “changed his mind” and will entertain “any offers anyone wants to make” … “offers” ???  All that is missing is super agent Scott Boras at his side and a starting point of $80,000,000 for 8 years with a no-trade clause.    

   I bet you thought all “football scholarships” were alike (room, board, tuition, books, and fees) and all that varied was the GPS coordinates of the preferred academic institution and the jersey colors.   Apparently not … super phenoms like Ryan Perrilloux can say “make me an offer” in a national publication and everybody just smirks.  Except Ol’ Mack who has to go back now and “sweeten” his original offer.

   Ryan’s got his requisite “do-rag” and urban swagger vocabulary.  As his coach says “he’s got the world by the butt.”  His long standing “commitment” to Mack Brown will not prevent him from taking “official visits” to Florida State, Miami, and Mississippi State.  One has to figure Ryan read about Willie Williams’ whirlwind “how bad do you want me Tour” last January.  No doubt he has a vociferous appetite for lobster, prime rib, and nymphomaniacal coeds and is anxious to watch Mssrs Bowden, Coker, and Croom play “Gorge yourself Ryan. Want some more?”.  If he does end up in Austin one can bet he arrives with cases of gout and the clap.

   A final word on this particularly pompous punk … as he watched 17 other “phenoms” pull caps out of bags to announce their choices, Ryan noted “this really isn’t my scene.  When I announce , I want it to be more lowkey. Like SportsCenter, maybe.”  That “pull the cap out of the bag” skit is rapidly catching “pour Gatorade on the coaches head” for the Tiny Tim Lame Stunt Award.

   So you think Ryan is pretty bad huh?  Meet Demetrius Walker from Fontana CA.  Demetrius got his own seven page story in SI.  Not bad for a high school phenom … except for one detail … Demetrius is only in the 8th grade.  6’3”, 175 and traveling the country on those insipid AAU sham squads.  The article mentions he already has a hand written note from Mike Krzyzewski so you gotta believe Ol’ Roy is grabbing his ankles too. Even the Dr Frankenstein that created this monster – Sonny Vacaro – admits “it’s getting ridiculous”.  Ya think, Sonny?

   “D’s” AAU coach says “He’s beyond where LeBron was at this age, where Tyson Chandler was.  He’s so athletic that he can dominate without developing the fundamentals.”  And then there’s this little quote … “Having to accept a basketball scholarship to a D-1 powerhouse would be viewed as a disappointment.”  Ol’ Roy PLEASE don’t waste a phone call to this one.

   The word “scholarship” needs to be changed.  Nothing these phenoms are engaged in has a whiff of “scholar” in it.  I love it when “the little fog people on the message boards (you remember George Costanza, Al Bundy, and the fuzzy cheeked perverts) said XYZ “phenom” should come to UNC because they can get a quality “education”.  Two problems with that … (1) they can get fine “quality educations” at 100s of institutions if that was even on their radars … (2) getting an education in the traditional sense has nothing to do with their decision.  No matter where they go, they will be steered into useless “eligibility majors” loaded with bogus electives.  Only 50% will graduate even from the institutions that pretend to care … and of that 50%, damn few will have a major that has any commercial value whatsoever.

   The coaches and the phenoms know how “this game” is played.  The loonie fans stumble along in their dillusional stupor singing their alma mater and saddling their high horses.

   When high achieving non-athlete “real students” investigate a potential college of choice, the emphasis is rarely on “the really cool video games at the sports bar” or “seeing a locker with their name on it”.  One fuzzy cheeked perv on a fan forum told local phenom Jon Hannah that he “should come to UNC instead of “MooU” because the clubs and parties are better in Chapel Hill”.  Bless his heart, Hannah used his own priority criteria and selected Blacksburg VA.  At his announcement press conference, young Mr. Hannah made no reference to getting drunk, high, or laid on his visit to Va Tech. 

   I realize the recruiting toothpaste was long ago squeezed from the tube.  If Dave Glenn or Brick Oettinger or Miller Safrit or Dave Telep stopped publicizing this Dance Macabre, other bloodsucking pimps would quickly fill the void.  Since I know Dave, Brick, and Miller I would rather they be dealing this dope to the dopes than the alternatives.  At least they use clean needles. 

   If the ethical folks like those noted above were the extent of the “recruiting gurus” it would be bad enough.  Unfortunately there are 100s of these bottom feeding carp getting to these kids and pumping their heads full of themselves.  One Carolina premium septic tank had a catatonic meltdown last week when their resident “expert” paraphrased a conversation between a coach and a prospect.  That the quotes were factual or not was irrelevant.  All facts are irrelevant in these forums … but it had the loonies in full pitchfork and torch riot mode.  Relax … a fan forum “meltdown” registers the same on the Richter Scale as a hummingbird’s hiccup. 

   As “Signing Day” approaches (February 2), remember the cardinal rule … How many “stars” a recruit has only matters if he signs with your school.  All highly rated prospects who sign with a rival are OVERRATED.  Low rated prospects who sign with your school have ENORMOUS POTENTIAL.  And EVERY COACH is “excited about this group of outstanding young men blah blah blah…”

   … Recruiting is to college athletics what a prostate exam is to an annual physical.  Otherwise legitimate academic institutions grab their ankles and take it up the butt for Saturday Braggin’ Rights.


Swagger’s Stumper

“Mindy” had a cool house …

what city was it supposedly located in?


   The Proesser Problem got bazillions of pass alongs, as we expected.  No one came up with anything to HATE about Skip though.  I have confidence in ACC fans however … they will.

   The Mahaffey Brothers were Clemson’s “fraternal order”.  Randy, Richie, Donnie, and Tom I believe all played for Clemson in the late 60s, early 70s.

   Upcoming BobLee ALIVEs in Henderson and Rocky Mount.  Contact TheGuys below if you would like BobLee to appear for your club or organization.

   Big Doin’s underway for Swagger’s next media triumph.  The “suits” are working out the details with a big announcement coming in February.

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